As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.
I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.
This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.
This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.
6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.
Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.
And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.
I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.
I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.
And that, is truly magnifique.
I'm going home.
With love.
M.
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