exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

wealth/health?

This is brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mS0YA465ts

BRILLIANT documentary.


And seriously, please watch this amazing documentary called "Food INC".
Please, watch it.
It's truly a well-made documentary.
And the topic is crazy.

Just seriously, it's not that long, make some tea, and think about the world a little.
Seriously, seriously.

This
is
ridiculous
and
really
disturbing
about
the
world
we
live
in
.


Happy Sunday night!
Love to all of you, always.
M.

gioia de vivere

Hey, guys!

So.
This Italian teacher is currently in Tallinn, and the past few days we've had crazy emotional lessons.
Yesterday I was so...under pressure, that I couldn't really sing.
The Italian pointed out that there's so much muscle tension and just control and pressure, that the voice doesn't sound free.
(Let's just tie this is with me not feeling free lately, in general...)

Anyhow.
So.
Today he basically said that he doesn't think I have a clear understanding of how to enjoy life.
And the problem, my dear darling friends, is I have to agree.

And this needs to be changed.

And the funniest thing is - it's so evident in my voice.
The weight of what I think and how I perceive myself and this life on this planet sounds in my voice - it simply "sits" too low. The placement needs to be higher. It's like......okay, take a balloon right? It's full of helium, but if you add a small bag of rocks to the string it cannot take off.
It simply cannot do what it is supposed to do.
And this is what it's like with my voice.
How fascinating that my job, my "work" is showing me how to live.
Giving me guidance.

So.
Gioia de vivere, joy of life.

And so I got to thinking about this.
What does this mean, what does it mean to really enjoy life?
I mean, number 1, no one can be happy ALL the time. It doesn't work like that. So "Be happy" is not what I should be thinking, that's stupid.
And then I got to thinking..
Earlier on I was in a rehearsal, and I wasn't feeling good. I was sad, and angry, and a little disappointed, so I said this to my Pianist (the biggest sweetheart on the planet). I said, I am sad, and angry, but we will have this rehearsal and it will be good.

And it was.

And all the time when I was there I didn't lie to myself, I didn't pressure myself into being less this or more this or whatever, less sad, more happy, I just...WAS.
Exactly what I was, felt what I felt, and experienced what I experienced.
No "keeping it together", no deceit, no faking of anything.

And you know what?
Something changed.
EVERYTHING BECAME EASY.
This honesty in being meant I didn't suffer anymore.
I was still sad, I was still angry - but I didn't suffer.

I just was what I was.

And all of it became Enjoyable.

Unforced, honest, raw and truthful.


And that's when I realised that for me, to enjoy life, all I have to do is not lie to myself.
And I think this will be true for a lot of people.
I can allow myself to have the complete and utter freedom to be and feel and experience exactly what I'm experiencing.
All necessary for growth.
BUT if I slap my wrist every time I feel something negative, chances are I'll never truly enjoy the process.
Isn't that what Enjoying Life is about?
The process.
You can't throw yourself off the cliff on bad days.
When life gives you lemons, you can still juggle with the goddamn lemons, and have a great time!!
THAT IS Gioia de Vivere, Joy of Life, Joy of Living.

Freedom.
Freedom to be, freedom to feel and experience.
And when you're having a bad day, say you're having a bad day!!!
When someone has hurt you, say someone has hurt me!!!
Don't wipe it under the carpet and pretend "you're happy" and that this feeling doesn't exist! How can you be free?

So that's me today.
I am currently sat on my sofa.
I'm tired, sad, and a little angry, but so what?!
I'm experiencing these things, and the sunshine is still warm, and stars still shine bright!
I'm sad, yes, but I'm also feeling the Joy of Living, and that is pretty awesome.

SO BE SAD, BE ANGRY, BE WHATEVER YOU ARE.
Just be honest to yourself!!!
And even in the darkest deepest sadness and despair, chocolate will STILL taste wonderful, art will STILL comfort your soul, your friends will STILL shine brighter than all the suns and moons, and life will STILL be marvellous!
JUST
STOP
LYING


Have fun with being free, I love love love you all.
Have fun being sad, have fun being lost, have fun being angry.

I know this sounds super odd, but it makes life easier, more fluid, forever in motion, and full of Joy.

Gioia de vivere, even when skies are gray.

Love, always.

M.

freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

forza vitale

Hey, guys!

For starters, can I just say. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
My ins and outs, and seeing where this leads.
Tutto è amore.


(PS. I think it's time soon to complete some more blog-post-drafts.)

So.
I took my own advice and started filling this new found space (discussed in the previous post) with forza vitale.

Number 1 was Bellini.
Bellini is this brilliant Italian opera composer, was alive and kicking early 19th century.
And he has written this opera about this sleepwalking girl.
And I was rinsing my brain with this BRILLIANT aria from this opera on Friday.
And it helped eeeeverything.

Number 2.
Then, I got my hair done.
It's now the rust colour I was after.

Number 3.
And then Pisces picked me up last night and took me to see this woman who makes jewellery of semi-precious stones and crystals.
I had a concrete plan of just going.
Trusting my intuition and seeing which stone I find.
Just hearing what calls to me.

And so - there were loads of bracelets and necklaces and so forth.
Nothing.
No connections to anything.
Then I saw this wall with pendants.
So this was Call no1.
And as I started browsing I saw my stone - Call no2 - quite seriously.

I don't think I've ever had a moment like that, I just felt this energy.
I know I talk a whole bunch about all this, the energies and universe and so forth, but I had never even thought this possible with y'know..a rock.
But seriously, I was blushing my head off, so so much energy, and heat.
It just matched.

And so, I bought it, it's mine, it belongs with me.
The crystal is called Aqua Aura and apparently it is super intense.
The lovely woman-babe who makes these beauuutiful pendants and bracelets did say that I should only take this with me if I am "ready".
Ready to accept and embrace everything that will come my way, learn further, develop further, see more, hear more, trust more, love more openly and freely, restrict myself less, no boundaries, just following my soul, my freedom, my Heart and my own truth.

So I said yes, I'm ready.
Let's do this.

You know, I JUSTTT wrote about this in the previous post.
The space that Acceptance left.
And this crystal (photo below) just brings this all together.
Nature does not deal in empty space, I always say this.
Empty space gets filled with something.
And if we get to it quick enough, we can fill the gaps in our lives ourselves.
When the departure of something creates vacuum, just give it something, one push, apply the substance and it will be sucked in.
The vacuum pulls it in.

If we ignore this, the vacuum will suck in something anyway, but most probably unnecessary, or toxic, or and old pattern.
Help yourself.
I am helping myself with Italian, and more opera, and new hair, and new thoughts, and ....there's plenty space for something else.
Actually the woman yesterday suggested drawing.
Funny that, it's something I always forget even though I adore it.
Dancing.
Yoga?
A big big clean.
Out with the old energy, to further create more space, more vacuum.

And never to forget that everything, every single thing, every single pain and hurt and loss and emotion is a Teacher.
We learn something from every turn, we learn something from every experience.
The soul never loses, it only gains.

Tutto è amore.
Love, always.

Yours truly.
M.

accept

Hey, guys.

So.

Today has been a day of Acceptance.

It feels like I've finally given in to the flow of the wider universe, the constant motion of life.

Not gonna lie, it feels like giving up in a way..

But I think this feeling exists in a way which in the long run will only serve me towards the positive end. 

However, right now, it feels a little.....hopeless.

Correction: very hopeless.

I guess the point is, we give up, stop fighting all the goddamn time, Accept what Is.

And then, sure, a little hopelessness is fine. I effectively have just created a void of some kind, y'know?

However, now it's up to me to fill it.

Fill this void.

With Love, inspiration, and kindness.

The space which was filled with fighting and holding on, is now empty. 

Acceptance and Accepting makes new space.

Creates new space.

Which today, right now, right here, feels EMPTY.

Emptiness, void void void.

Dark matter.

But this is okay.

This is okay.

Let go of what was.

Be grateful for what is.

And have hope for what is yet to (be)come.

The third one has to now become a huge priority.

I have chosen this direction, I've started discovering and searching and looking and questioning, and the "stop" button doesn't exist.

So all I can do is hold on, keep my focus, ride my wave, and have hope for what is yet to Be.

Oh, and definitely have to give praise where praise is due for how far I've got.

So, here's to you, Acceptance!

I've met you, I'll keep you and the stuff that's gone - well, I'll replace it with something that gives me FORZA VITALE - life force.

Peace and love.

I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, however far you still have to go - that you always have someone to turn to for guidance, a hug, or just company.

A shared life.

With love, always.

M.

gay

I'm currently watching a documentary called "Out There".
It's a BBC doc by Stephen Fry.
It's a doc about homosexuality, or rather the stupidity it encounters and meets all around the world.
The stupidity and brutality and violence and just, no.
But I won't pause on this now.

Still, here's a link to part 2.
Do watch it, it's worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc19KxerK7U

There was this guy who used to be in a boy band, was told to suppress being "too gay" by the manager, and then it kind of stuck with him, for decades.
This habit of hiding, or pretending.
"Fake" as he called it.
A duplicate of himself.
A cheap copy.
Now he is an actor making his way in Hollywood and still is struggling so so much with being free, being himself and being honest.
Just the very way he is.

Well, anyway, this isn't a post about homosexuality, but this is a post about freedom.
Personal freedom.

This we must value most, personal freedom.
And all we can do is respect others, do no harm.
To get rid of this blind violence.

We can only do our part.
Hear others, really hear them out.
Try to understand.
The only force to reverse any of this is love and love and more love.

There is so much pain in the world, so much anger and so much blindness.

Seriously.
Just watch this documentary.

It's just about freedom, and love, and understanding.
And compassion.

We can never run out of compassion, it costs nothing, at all.
It requires no age, no sex, no religion, or geographic placement.
Compassion and kindness - it just is.

I just watched a bit of the documentary, where a Brazilian mothers recounts the death of his 15-year-old son.
Tortured and murdered by a bunch of guys who abducted him.
Just because he "looked gay".
Such hatred shocks me to such an extent.

The freedom to love, whom we love, how we love.

Yours truly.
M.

I = my life

Let's cut to the chase.

We all consist of parts.

The entity, the individual, we are made up of ingredients.

I seem to frequently F*CKING forget mine.

And this makes me angry.

If you couldn't tell.

My task at hand is this.

Live the life I want.

Simple.

I'm tired of this mindless procrastinating only to find it makes things worse. Of course.

Why not just live the life I truly want.

The only difference between not doing and doing is,.. well....DOING.

That's all.

I'm tired of disliking my life.

I'm tired of disliking.

The inner the outer the flow and speed and action and reaction real and imaginary.

So this is me giving up and giving in, in a way.

Give up, already.

Stop fighting.

And all that then remains is the life I want.

So that I will feel fulfilled and proud and IN MOTION.

Stagnation is death to creativity and creativity is my core.

Do the math.

Books and air and motion and power and heart and passion and juices.

Give.

Up.

Imagine a life I want.

Someone said, "worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want".

HOW correct is that.

Why ever imagine a future other than exactly the one you want.

Truth is.

I've never known how to do this.

Maybe I did at some point.

But I'm turning 25 in 2 weeks and this is getting ridiculous.

Pure and simple.

Make up my own reality.

Make up my own reality.

Feel like I want to feel.

For realz.

This force could be my greatest drive and engine.

If left undealt with, works like corrosive acid.

I'm free when I can run fast and run far.

Run fast.

And run far.

25.

This feels like a breaking or shifting point.

Finally.

Breaking open.

{I need to buy a kaleidoscope}

Fear is there for me to stare it in its FACE.

With love.

M.

what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

freedom

From http://lazyyogi.org/
Love him.

And I love all of you right now.

Light.
Yours truly.
M.

“Discipline, as understood by a warrior, is creative, open, and produces freedom. It is the ability to face the unknown, transforming the feeling of knowing into reverent astonishment; of considering things that exceed the scope of our habits, and daring to face the only war that is worthwhile: The battle for awareness.” ~ Castaneda

Discipline has a negative connotation to most people. It definitely had that connotation for me in the past. Meditation changed that for me. 

On the outside, it looks very disciplined to sit for an hour each day in absolute stillness and silence. But on the inside, it is incredibly freeing. 

Take the idea of focusing, for example. When your mind is scattered in several different directions, then it seems like it takes effort to focus. But when you are entirely present in this moment with what you are doing, then focus is natural. It is effortless. How hard do you have to focus when doing something you love? The focus comes spontaneously. 

Well, when you are always present with what is going on, that focus is natural to you. The same goes for discipline. It is a matter of clarifying your aspiration and aligning your desire in every moment. 

If you are always battling with conflicting thoughts and feelings, you will only succeed in making yourself exhausted. Recognize what you really want and need and how those two are one. Then sacrifice all of your urges and desires that stand in the way. 

Self discipline means to remain unmoved by the transient and unimportant things that crop up on a moment to moment basis. This comes with practice and familiarity. 

But it is also worth noting that the discipline is only thought of as such when those conflicts are there. Once distraction and inner conflict hold now power over you, then there is just peace and the natural way of going with the flow of your life, the Tao. Not resisting what must be done and not avoiding anything. 

Namaste

monologue

(Excuse the language.)
(Didn't wanna delete it though. It adds to the tone.)

[2/24/2013 10:42:40 PM] ML: oh yes
[2/24/2013 10:42:49 PM] ML: f***ing jesus. this is gonna be so weird
[2/24/2013 10:42:56 PM] ML: F**K i want to work in theatre
[2/24/2013 10:43:41 PM] ML: so why not?
[2/24/2013 10:44:04 PM] ML: lol, i just had an internal A. go - well whats the f***ing problem then ASSHOLE? (less aggressive than that but you know)
[2/24/2013 10:55:48 PM] ML: okay
[2/24/2013 10:56:02 PM] ML: emotions. lots of fear. that i would like to "release" into the universe. and replace with excitement, thanks.
[2/24/2013 10:57:23 PM] ML: i hope youre sleeping. im still gonna carry on
[2/24/2013 10:57:40 PM] ML: f**k this is so exciting
[2/24/2013 10:59:50 PM] ML: i might vomit
[2/24/2013 11:00:51 PM] ML: i havent been this excited in so long. and i will do my f***ing utmost not to bury this under "expectations" and "fear" and "brand" and "image"

[2/24/2013 11:02:06 PM] ML: and i will write this monologue down


I've come back to the drawing board, and this idea is always there.
Always.
So why not.
I always say this, but these things take time.
As long as we are talking, and thinking, it is fine.

Yours truly.
M.

ability

It's quite odd.
How my ability to marvel, anything and everything, which I usually hold as my favourite characteristic about myself, just kind of disappears into the cracks in Tallinn.
God knows why.

It's getting REALLY BORING.

Maybe once I get a new flat.
And have a vinyl record player.
And I can play old recordings of Beethoven, and Rachmaninov, and Gershwin.
From that shop.
The shop we went to.
(..good god, I was happy)
Maybe when I have my own kitchen.
Where I can cook all the things I want to cook.
With my music.
And my books on a shelf.
The way I want them.
And my things.
My things in their places, and my order.
My scores, and learning the scores.
Painting, and drawing, and dancing, and laughing or crying.
Just BEING. Like I want to be.
And my cigarette breaks, on the window sill.
With really cold air.
My my my my my my.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
Mine.
Just unwatched, unmeasured, unassessed.
Unobserved.
Free to create through just being.

All of the things that I've seen this year:
All of the things that I've felt this year.
This has been quite the year.
I need to take it easy, so so easy.

I suck at seeing the larger context.
I just forget.
I really should keep that in mind.
The larger context.
Of everything.

How much change, and disappointment, and then growth, and Love can a person digest, without any side effects, in less than a year.


I'm a master of painting over and painting over and over, things with things.
Painting over, and deceit.


In other news, however, some hair colour inspiration.

Yours truly.
M.

the self

So the thing is.
Most of us grow up and end up compensating for some unfulfilled need or desire throughout our adult life.

The majority of what's missing can be summed up, I think, as an unbalanced relationship with the understanding of our own value, or something that is also known as "self-love".
I've found that people very often have an almost defensive reaction when someone mentions the notion of loving ourselves.
As if it's wrong, or faulty.
As if we shouldn't.

The truth is we need it.
I mean, it's just the way it is.
If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will.
Without loving ourselves, the chances of finding someone who truly loves us are slim.
Truly slim.
I've yet to meet someone who would prove me wrong on this one.
(If you do know someone, please tell me the story. I would love-love to know.)

So.
For those who don't speak Estonian, I'm truly sorry for the lack of translating.

But the bottomline is.
Compare yourself to yourself, the rest is empty and meaningless.

Build yourself stronger, because if we're honest, it's the only place we will ever find refuge.

Yours truly.
M.


These are taken and edited from www.alkeemia.ee 

Piisavas enesearmastuses elav inimene:

•    adekvaatne enesehinnang
•    ennast väärtustav
•    on võtnud 100%vastutuse oma elu eest
•    usub enda võimetesse ja vajalikkusesse
•    langetab otsuseid armastuse, usalduse ja rahu pinnalt
•    maailma suhtes avatud meeltega
•    tunnetab oma tegevuse väärtust ise
•    vaimselt ja füüsiliselt terve, positiivsust kiirgav, energiat andev
•    tunnetab armastust endas ja kiirgab seda
•    on ennast kehtestav
•    on orienteeritud koostööle
•    tajub ressursside paljusust ja tõmbab enda ellu kõik vajaliku

Kui olete seda tüüpi, et teil on just raske asju lõpule viia, siis loobuge meelelahutusest seni, kuni teete asja lõpuni-esitate ära-annate üle ja teadvustage eneses see tunne, kui saite tehtu valmis enne tähtaega, õigeks ajaks või saite positiivse tagasiside osaliseks.

Hakake end võrdlema endaga mitte teistega.
Kas te olete täna armastavam, hellem, mõistvam kui olite aasta tagasi?
Kas mõistate oma sõnade, tegude, suhtumise tagajärgi endale ja teistele täna selgemalt kui aasta tagasi?

Kas teete iga päev midagi väikest, mis näitab, et oskate ennast hoida – leiate aega korralikuks lõunaks, sööte tervislikku toitu, kannate õiget rõivastenumbrit ja teile sobivat stiili, kas väljendate nii oma sõnas kui mõttes tänulikkust selle kõige eest, mis Teie elus täna võrreldes eilsega paremini on?

Kui hakkate tegelema teiste inimeste asemel endaga, võite märgata peatselt kolme olulist muutust –
- teie enesetunne hakkab tõusma
- teie tervis muutub paremaks
- teie suhete kvaliteet muutub rahuldustpakkuvamaks.

See kõik tekib hetkest, mil te otsustate, et Teie ise olete oma elu peaosas, võimeline selle kõiki aspekte soovi korral muutma ning õpite nautima oma elu ilusaks loomise vastutust, millega kaasenevad suurenenud vabaduse-, õnne- ja rahutunne.

crow

I can't remember when this was exactly, but somehow the crow as a symbol appeared in my life.

Firstly, I really like the idea of totem animals.
Native Americans, according to my readings, don't have animals set in stone. For example, you are Pisces, you are Taurus.
But rather, your totem animal can arise out of a strong connection with a certain animal, both a positive connection, or potentially one of fear as well.
Either or, bottom-line remains - an animal that you could learn from.

And so, the wolf had made it's appearance in my life some time before.
I have absolutely no idea how this happened, largely because I've always been petrified by big dogs.
Like, to the point of crying.
Not all dogs though. I can judge and see their character really well, and it's the unpredictable ones I used to be completely terrified of.
So to this day I can't remember how the wolf made it's appearance, but it did.
And so the wolf became my own, personal totem animal.

Some time later the crow appeared.
AGAIN, a bird that I have never-ever felt anything for.
Birds in general.
I like the idea of flying, but anything other than that never existed.
But this is what I found out about the symbol of the Crow.
---

You can rest assure whenever crows are around, magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. The crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.

The home of all that is 
not
yet
in
form

Things to come.

The striking black color of crow represents the color of creation. It is the womb out of which the new is born. Black the color of night gives birth to the light of a new day. Crow is a daytime bird reminding us that magic and creation are present in both. Their ability to shift between the known and unknown world indicates new journeys.

Crow is associated with magic, unseen forces and spiritual strength. If crow flies into your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to its caw and act accordingly.

It is the power of the unknown at work, and something special is about to happen. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.They are territorial and won't give up an area without a fight. They are loners, seeming to like to spend time to themselves.

If you have a crow as a totem, you need to be willing to walk your talk and speak your truth. You must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and "caw" the shots as you see them. Crow is an omen of change. If he keeps appearing to you he may be telling you that you have a powerful voice when addressing issues that you do not quite understand or feel that they are out of balance.

When you meet crow, he could be telling you that there will be changes in your life and that possibly you should step by the usual way you view reality and look into the inner realms …walk your talk…be prepared to let go of your old thinking and embrace a new way of viewing yourself and the world.

When you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish. Your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth. The prime path of true Crow people says to be mindful of your opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self.




http://anasopiah.blogspot.com/2009/02/crow-raven-wolf-totems.html


So.
The Crow.

Look for symbols, and look for the bits and pieces, you know.
There are so-so many interesting things in the universe to find.
Waiting for you, to find them.

Of course I'm not asking anyone to burn all the incense or not brush your teeth and live in a mud-hut, et cetera, et cetera.
But there are interesting things, for you to find.

Especially when you need some answers.

Yours truly.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

home comforts

This and this.

Since two-thirds of the summer are over, there's a part of me that already has an eye on the coming of autumn.
It is forever on my mind.
Time for home comforts.



Another thing I found was this.
I really want a wall like this.
My homage to sea, which I love, all quiet, terrible and utterly free.
It is where I'm most at peace.



I feel really ..un-ordered.
In my thoughts.
Like, old baggage.
Leftovers.
But, nothing that pen and paper can't handle.

Work to be done.
M.

bridges

This is going to be a post about bridges.

Sometimes in our lives we get to a point where our projects stall, our exciting new beginnings just fizzle into nothing, and slowly but surely we start fizzling into nothing ourselves.
This does not mean that we stop living all-together, or quit jobs or stop brushing our hair or washing our faces, you know.
This means something different.
It just means that we stop living as ourselves. As the You-est You.

That connection fizzles out.
It's like we can see our bridges burn, and we just let them.
We let this happen.

This includes wrong relationships, the ones where we can see ourselves shine dimmer and dimmer.
Or the wrong jobs.
Or the wrong places where we shouldn't live.
And so on, and so on, and so on.
This list goes on.

But the bottomline is, we let this happen.

The "how" doesn't interest me that much.
These vary for everyone.

But if I could know one thing, I'd know the "why".
Why would we stand in our own way?




We have every single opportunity to live out this life in the most glorious of ways.
And yet we choose to just stand there, and watch our bridges burn.
The bridges between you and YOU.

Which at the very end of the day are singlehandedly the most important ones.

Live the right life, for you.
Wake up following the schedule that is right, for you.
Work the job that's right, for you.

And for the sake of Jesus, TAKE YOUR TIME to find out.
Because truth is, we live and then we die.
It's pretty simple.

Why waste this sublime time.
On people who makes us less.
On clothes that are boring.
On places that stifle.

Why?

(I am asking myself to answer this.)

Why let the most important bridge burn.
Truth is, the sooner we notice this, honestly, look at this in the eye, and catch it mid-flame, we can put it out, find some new stone and wood and rebuild it.
But stand there and watch it go up in flames.
No.

Just, no.

Life is too short for that.

Bridges.M.