essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

gay

I'm currently watching a documentary called "Out There".
It's a BBC doc by Stephen Fry.
It's a doc about homosexuality, or rather the stupidity it encounters and meets all around the world.
The stupidity and brutality and violence and just, no.
But I won't pause on this now.

Still, here's a link to part 2.
Do watch it, it's worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc19KxerK7U

There was this guy who used to be in a boy band, was told to suppress being "too gay" by the manager, and then it kind of stuck with him, for decades.
This habit of hiding, or pretending.
"Fake" as he called it.
A duplicate of himself.
A cheap copy.
Now he is an actor making his way in Hollywood and still is struggling so so much with being free, being himself and being honest.
Just the very way he is.

Well, anyway, this isn't a post about homosexuality, but this is a post about freedom.
Personal freedom.

This we must value most, personal freedom.
And all we can do is respect others, do no harm.
To get rid of this blind violence.

We can only do our part.
Hear others, really hear them out.
Try to understand.
The only force to reverse any of this is love and love and more love.

There is so much pain in the world, so much anger and so much blindness.

Seriously.
Just watch this documentary.

It's just about freedom, and love, and understanding.
And compassion.

We can never run out of compassion, it costs nothing, at all.
It requires no age, no sex, no religion, or geographic placement.
Compassion and kindness - it just is.

I just watched a bit of the documentary, where a Brazilian mothers recounts the death of his 15-year-old son.
Tortured and murdered by a bunch of guys who abducted him.
Just because he "looked gay".
Such hatred shocks me to such an extent.

The freedom to love, whom we love, how we love.

Yours truly.
M.

flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

time for business

So.

This is the scariest feeling I've ever felt in my life.
I think.

And I said once, I want a heart that never hardens.


So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes

And then.
Just like "something happens".
Something arrives.
Something arrives your way, something wondrous.
Something extraordinary is given to you.
It's like.
You are walking a road.
And when something happens - it kind of, disrupts your road.
It's like an earthquake.
But when "something arrives", it just.. arrives.
Slow and lovely and kind and WONDERFUL.
And natural.
That it just makes sense.
Like breathing.
And ... let's say you're breathing, yourself, for the first time in your life.
Just imagine, right?
That there's been these machines, for example.
Breathing, for you.
And then, all of a sudden, you breathe.

All by yourself.
You just breathe.
In, and out.
And it's fresh and divine and raw and Right, and it just makes sense.

But how do you trust your own lungs?
How do you get used to the idea, of your own breath, soft and secure?

I think Love is like that.
That you, just, you just .. it just is.
No effort. There is no effort.
Trust in your own heart beat.
Trust that you will keep standing up.
Trust your lungs, trust the air.
Trust life, and trust Love.

Trust Love.
Surrender to hope, and the faith, and the love.

And making love through seeing love, above and below.


Love is what we all are.

It's so natural.

We just need to tame a few steps back, mend our bones and take the jump.

We are Love.

And this is all I know right now.

Yours truly.

M.

crow

I can't remember when this was exactly, but somehow the crow as a symbol appeared in my life.

Firstly, I really like the idea of totem animals.
Native Americans, according to my readings, don't have animals set in stone. For example, you are Pisces, you are Taurus.
But rather, your totem animal can arise out of a strong connection with a certain animal, both a positive connection, or potentially one of fear as well.
Either or, bottom-line remains - an animal that you could learn from.

And so, the wolf had made it's appearance in my life some time before.
I have absolutely no idea how this happened, largely because I've always been petrified by big dogs.
Like, to the point of crying.
Not all dogs though. I can judge and see their character really well, and it's the unpredictable ones I used to be completely terrified of.
So to this day I can't remember how the wolf made it's appearance, but it did.
And so the wolf became my own, personal totem animal.

Some time later the crow appeared.
AGAIN, a bird that I have never-ever felt anything for.
Birds in general.
I like the idea of flying, but anything other than that never existed.
But this is what I found out about the symbol of the Crow.
---

You can rest assure whenever crows are around, magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. The crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.

The home of all that is 
not
yet
in
form

Things to come.

The striking black color of crow represents the color of creation. It is the womb out of which the new is born. Black the color of night gives birth to the light of a new day. Crow is a daytime bird reminding us that magic and creation are present in both. Their ability to shift between the known and unknown world indicates new journeys.

Crow is associated with magic, unseen forces and spiritual strength. If crow flies into your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to its caw and act accordingly.

It is the power of the unknown at work, and something special is about to happen. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.They are territorial and won't give up an area without a fight. They are loners, seeming to like to spend time to themselves.

If you have a crow as a totem, you need to be willing to walk your talk and speak your truth. You must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and "caw" the shots as you see them. Crow is an omen of change. If he keeps appearing to you he may be telling you that you have a powerful voice when addressing issues that you do not quite understand or feel that they are out of balance.

When you meet crow, he could be telling you that there will be changes in your life and that possibly you should step by the usual way you view reality and look into the inner realms …walk your talk…be prepared to let go of your old thinking and embrace a new way of viewing yourself and the world.

When you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish. Your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth. The prime path of true Crow people says to be mindful of your opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self.




http://anasopiah.blogspot.com/2009/02/crow-raven-wolf-totems.html


So.
The Crow.

Look for symbols, and look for the bits and pieces, you know.
There are so-so many interesting things in the universe to find.
Waiting for you, to find them.

Of course I'm not asking anyone to burn all the incense or not brush your teeth and live in a mud-hut, et cetera, et cetera.
But there are interesting things, for you to find.

Especially when you need some answers.

Yours truly.
M.

to my dear london

As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.

I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.

This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.

This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.

6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.

Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.

And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.

I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.


I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.


And that, is truly magnifique.

I'm going home.
With love.
M.

control

Okay.

Right now I'm going to make a promise to myself.
And it is pretty simple.

I will never ever again let things grow over my head. 

I will stay on top of the little things, the communicating, and talking, to seeing, the telling.
And I will not let myself bury myself under this pile of stuff, that otherwise would be nice and/or exciting.

The wave is the same.
It is up to me to ride it, or get crushed under it.

I will stay on top. 
M.

your head and your heart

live with peace in your heart

and fire in your eyes

With love.
M.

human mind

the human mind fascinates me.
what tips us over, you know
what gets us over the bridge
and how random it is
having said that, i think the genders are hugely different here
either way
it's fa-sci-na-ting.



"why are you so blonde"
"why must you be so blonde"
"why do you have to be so blonde"


and we will never look back at the fading silhouette

Inside the Actors Studio is making my late-night.
M.