home

I'm home, and watching the new Elementary.

Sherlock and Watson.

Didn't do too much of the to-do list, but I don't care. The new task is to stay calm and Happy as much as possible. 

I mean seriously.

I just can't be bothered.

With this waste of time, this fuss, that doesn't carry me upwards and onwards.

I truly truly tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot be bothered. 

Anymore. 

To stop the positive changes, to slow the current for something useless.

I know too much, I've come too far, and the time I have in this body, on this planet  is far too precious and magical.

So therefore.

I will work towards stopping this crap.

Because I'm bored.

And I truly TRULY appreciate magic.

F*ck this.

Love and light.

M.

enough

How gracefully we let go of the things that are not meant for us.

Enough, child. Enough now.

Really, honestly - enough.
M.

hang on

..but then again.
Isn't organising something "creation" as well?
Isn't that creating something.
I'm creating an event.
Creating.
Creative.

Okay, just so you know - my days are currently passing under the "Scaffolding concert" flagship.
And basically, in a nutshell, I'm organising it.
So.
As opposed to moan about not creating or not being creative at the moment, I should see this as absolutely creating something!
I mean. How the hell not?

We've got the singers.
We've got the scaffolding.
We've got the posters (currently in print).

Now we need to focus on the media and what we're actually singing.
Both points largely to do with me.
So hey, as opposed to moan about what we DON'T have or what I have NOT done yet - let's concentrate on what we HAVE done and what is already there.
And that's pretty sweet.

Oh, also.
Got some solid advice from A. earlier.
She told me to do something I like.
Simple right?
Wrong.
Apparently I can't get this in my head.
"Otherwise its impossible to do the things you have to do without wanting to RUN AWAY".
I mean, seriously.
That's just what it is.

Sometimes we think it's productive not doing anything fun and only doing the things we have to do, and completing to-do list after to-do list after to-do list, but the truth is, once we forsake fun and actually having a great time, we completely lose productivity.
So in the midst of all the stuff you have to do and I have to do, it is absolutely crucial that we sometimes switch off, just send it all to hell and do something fun.
This weekend I plan to have FUN.
It's been too long.

Also. Without fun, all the positive cool projects will start feeling like a burden, and lose all the positive cool-ness they carry.
And where in the Jesus is the point in that?

So thanks, A.

Point to her.

I hope you're having a great Thursday.
M.


PS. Super sneak-peek. I hope these will be up eeeverywhere soon. So excited they're finished!!

bitch sharks

Enough said.

Bitch sharks.
M.

MUSIC

Oh my JESUS what new FRESH music does to me!
My spleen has been doing an excited dance for a few hours now!
And it's SO NICE.
Hello, spring, hello, doing things, and hello, no fear.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new ageI'm Radioactive, Radioactive

Radioactive.
M.

to my dear london

As I was walking from the plane through the Heathrow terminal towards the baggage reclaim, on the 11th of January 2013, I realised this was the last time I would be landing in London, for some time.
And then I got to thinking of reasons. Not that I need to, but it just happened. Reasons, and past times spent in London, and what I've gained here, and how this place has shaped me.

I arrived in London on the 2nd of September 2006. Spent 2 days in town and the quite literally headed for the unknown in Chigwell School which was the beginning of my road to independence.
I was always an independent young person growing up but there is only so much independence you can get whilst still living with your parents.
The school wasn't opened so it must have been a weekend. No, actually, I think we all arrived 3 weeks before the start of term, to get settled in.
I remember loving the house, seeing the house cat and struggling to sleep the first night. I used to be really very scared of darkness and therefore sleeping in unfamiliar places was a huge task. One which I didn't manage that night.

This was the beginning of two of the absolute best years of my life. I worked so hard, got so many friends, gained so so much ..everything. Just life experience.
Also, did a lot of less deep and meaningful things like, lots of football, eating cake, latenight chats with the boarding house girls who became my sisters, especially one of them, free long-distance phone calls, trampolining, playing polo in the swimming pool, watching sports in the big boarding house for boys, having 2 great house parties - and I mean great - and wearing suits and ties to school.

This was also the beginning of a process through which I would actually get to know myself. I was used to performing by this point so handling pressure was not the problem.
(Ps, I would usually apologise about how 'tacky' this is, but not tonight. I'm sat in my empty room, in a house full of my friends, who happen to be asleep. It's 1:23am and I'm blogging because this seems to be the best idea of how to say goodbye.)
However, living abroad, away from my family and friends at 17 was quite something, and something I am intensely proud of. For some people similar experience might be easy, easier than getting up and singing in front of a lot people, for example, but for me this was hard.

6,5 years on and I realised something standing on the escalator at Heathrow terminal.
I've racked up some serious air miles. I've flown back and forth between London and Tallinn for roughly 55 times and somewhere in between all this I've found me.

Feel free to sigh and roll your eyes a little, but honestly, I can't explain this any other way. It's like I landed here, already a grown human, having worked and having had responsibilities for so long. But in retrospective it feels like, I came here and I grew up, I grew down and then I re-grew. I literally at some point must have decided - hey this is not you, now change. Take all these things that are broken, or misplaced, or wrong, or make you sad, and face them, do something about them. Take the bits and re-work yourself.
Because it's not like I don't have the time.
We all have the time.

And now, 6,5 years on I am sentimental at the thought of what I've gained here, and what I'm leaving here.
Somewhere on the football pitches in Chigwell I got a bit closer.
Somewhere in a dark corner of the Studio Theatre at Royal Holloway, I found something.
And somewhere in the cracks of the Covent Garden pavements.
Somehow in the freeing air of the big city atmosphere I realised in order to grow up I need to grow down.
Somehow I was lucky and blessed enough to find people in this city who inspire me, again and again and again, people who change me and challenge me.
People who would sit up till early morning hours to look after me, and people to look out for me.
People who for some reason really care about whether I will get to places in this life, and would help me get there.
So I'm sat here, very happy and very sad, and as excited as I am anxious. And proud and grateful and blessed.
I am so thankful for the steps that lead me here and for the ones that will lead me home.

I love you, London. And for being my Adventure Land you will forever have my respect.


I think I'm ready to go for the next step now.
And oh holy heavens, it's as exciting as it is scary.


And that, is truly magnifique.

I'm going home.
With love.
M.

external

So.

Don't pay attention to the external b*llshit someone might come out with.
About you, or your life, or your choices, or morals, or appearance, or anything at all.

I read some comments on this article about me that was in the papers over Christmas. A tiny little story, basically, talking about my typical day.
(Also, there were like 70% positive, 30% negative comments.)

So.
Two questions.
One. Why did I read them? Reading those comments only ever knocks my otherwise decent self-belief and confidence. Makes me doubtful. Makes me question my value and the value in my choices. Ugh.
Okay, I know this sounds dramatic but seriously! The comments are just so like, personal. And just nasty. So why read them? No one knows.
Two. Why care? This is the big one. Why care? Why care about what these people have to say? This is based on nothing. Nothing at all. They don't know me, know anything about anything to do with me. So why care?
And this goes for other situations are well. So often we just get hung up on what "he said, she said". Which just doesn't matter. I mean, seriously? We have like what, under 10 people in our lives that we actually trust and respect and listen to and turn to for advice? So why are we affected by the rest of the external voices?
If someone has time to criticise someone else, and base their chat on nothing, then I mean, come one, they honestly need to re-address their lives.

So, no thanks.
This is about me.
This is about you.
Silence.
Shush.
This is not their life.
These are not their decisions.
So take some time to listen to you. If in doubt, ask the people you truly trust and respect for help, or guidance, or a hug, you know.

Apart from that, listen to you.
Listen to your gut.

Do yoga and kick the bad thoughts out, just out the window, see you later.

Be honest, be kind and be brave.
And take good care of yourself.

With love.
M.

va-va-voom!

If you want it, I'm gonna be Va-Va-Voom.
I like "too much".

M.

pull

I truly, truly wish we could all be quiet enough to recognise it.

Pull.
M.

anger management

So, let's say you find yourself in a situation, where you have 2 simple options.
A) you break a lot of things that you would not like to get rid of
or B) find a way to NOT do this.

I would personally recommend B.
I mean, yes, it can feel superb, but trust me, the annoyance at having broken your own belongings that arrives after is dull as dishwater. So, stick with B.

My form of anger management.

Obviously followed by the 2nd movement (which is enough to literally tear your heart out with the bittersweet sounds, turn it into and pie and eat it with some vanilla whipped cream), and then the 3rd.

And/or cut your hair.

Nothing that Shostakovich can't fix.
M.

enough

i've been chewing, and chewing, and chewing AGAIN this personal statement. again, and again.

so, i've decided to go from an A4 to 5 sentences.

I live for opera theatre.
I have a career spanning over 15 years.
I'm talented, hardworking and I look good on stage.
I think your course and myself would have the most fruitful time together.

With love,
you-may-call-me La Listra


THOUGHTS?
4am banter.
M.



i want to finish this thing.