loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)