expressive

Okay, so.

I don't think I particularly struggle with self-expression.
However.
..and this is something I've spoken about before.

Clothes.

Spring is coming.
And I was reading Dani's blog, as I do most days, and she was saying how she's lost her expressiveness via clothes.
And I'm exactly the same.
I find it rather depressing - the idea.
Clothes are amazing!
And should be used to extend Yourself.
Everything, EVERYTHING is an extension of ourselves.

And it's a missed opportunity not to use clothes in the same fashion.


And then there's me moaning endlessly about being bored.
Yes, well WEAR something interesting - and then let's see how you feel.
Maybe it will work, maybe not.
However, it's worth a shot.
Not to look boring.

Okay then.

Yours truly.
M.

http://dani.metromode.se/


Here she supports a distinct lack of clothing, I just love the top left shot.

discontent

Discontent.
This post is about discontent.


So there.
Discontent.


Yours truly.
M.

STOP

Comparison is so boring.

Just saying.
Just saying.

99% of us do it. Why?
Seriously - to what logical, reasonable, or useful end?
It has none.
Like, none whatsoever, none at all.

So why?
Why torture yourself with the how much, how little, how big, how small, how tall, how smart, how blonde, how brunette, how rich, how poor, how emotional, how loud, how flexible, how multi-lingual, or whatever anyone is.
This who-has-less-who-has-more crap is so stupid.
It's useless and will never, ever, until the end of the burning Sun give any useful outcomes.
Ever.

So as opposed to listing all the things you are not (and in some cases can never be, ie. born Chinese, or have legs that are 10 inches longer, or be double-jointed, etc.), focus on what you are, and all the AMAZING things you can do with all of it.
(You don't lack, anything.)

And I should really do that too.

Trust the process.
Yours truly.
M.

purify

Dear souls.
It's time, to Cleanse.

cleanse

  [klenz]  Show IPA verb, cleansed, cleans·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to make clean.

2.

to remove by or as if by cleaning: to cleanse sin from the soul.

verb (used without object)

3.

to become clean.

pu·ri·fy

  [pyoor-uh-fahy]  Show IPA verb, pu·ri·fied,pu·ri·fy·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to make pure; free from anything that debases, pollutes,adulterates, or contaminates: to purify metals.

2.

to free from foreign, extraneous, or objectionable elements: to purify a language.

3.

to free from guilt or evil.

4.

to clear or purge (usually followed by of  or from  ).

5.

to make clean for ceremonial or ritual use.

verb (used without object)

6.

to become pure.

Really, mind, body and soul.
Proper deep-clean. A post-Solstice deep-clean purification.
I think it's only appropriate, y'know.

And it's so necessary right now, at this very point in time.
So, very, very, necessary.
Especially to get the clarity to see where my path is going.
I don't want to be weighed down anymore, by anything.
I want to have the clarity of vision to see freely where my life is going and is going to go.

Last Autumn I was doing so well, with the yoga and the eating and the reading and everything.
When was the last time I was consciously grateful for something?
When was the last time I made good food?
When was the last time I was mindful for like, half an hour?

Seriously.
So, therefore.
With the tour coming up, I've got the ideal opportunity to concentrate on this for a month.
Since we're constantly driving around the country, I won't spend any time in Tallinn.
Love my hometown as I do, it is the place where all the old patterns come barging in.

And so, here we go.
Let's cleanse.
Time for a plan later, but this is the journey.

Cleansed.
M.

blame

Placing blame makes no sense.
But I do.
I blame you.
I swear I'll stop.

But I do, I blame you.
And you, and you.

But the truth is.
The only, and I mean, the only thing I need to realise, is that this is not a competition.
Life.
No, seriously.
This is not a competition.
I'm not competing, nor do I have to prove, anything, at all. Ever.
Old habits die hard, but they too will die.
And disappear.

I want to forever be my own first choice.
And live accordingly.
According to this one very very very simple principle:
I will forever be my own first choice.

I think that is my biggest fear.

1st.
M.

men

So.
I mean, right.
This is the thing.
My friends often ask me for guy advice. Not necessarily advice but just to talk about it and you know, lend an ear. This is mostly because I get along with my dad in a way that we'll have deep and meaningful conversations about whatever, including guy/men behaviour. So usually I'm very at home with talking to guys, or whatever, you know. Dad was also a textbook playa d*ck-head (sorry, dad!) when he was younger. So he's the guy a lot of my friends and myself included often struggle with.

Now then.
With the past little while, however, my understanding of any kind of male knowledge has just gone out the window.
Maybe this is just a good life lesson about how I just can't paint everyone the same colour, ever. There are just as much different behaviour and characteristics for guys as there are for women.
I've never ever ever ever been one to brand "all men pigs" or whatever. I think that's simply hideously stupid, sexist, idiotic, and just downright wrong. It's like saying "all women are blonde".
Same difference.
No, they are not.
Seriously.
Come on.

ANYWAY.
I digress. So yes, I think we (including me) potentially underestimate guys somehow. I mean, yes, it's a fact that sometimes their funstick takes over (this is just down to a limited amount of blood in the body), and in these instances their reason too is limited (Thanks, biology). However, I think I've started to underestimate the rest of the time, when there is a steady blood-flow, to the head as well.

By the way, this is not going to be a post of any revelations.
This shall be rambly and incoherent.

So.
Maybe it was a case of underestimating.
(This is not me back-tracking, this is me learning.)
Well, whatever it was, a lesson is a lesson. Doesn't matter what the current topic is, as long as it's a lesson, it has inherent value.

So here's a toast to assumptions, and generalisations, and expectations.
And here's another toast to not listening to them, at all! Ever!

Hip-hip-hooray.
M.

So my question is.
Is this snap below real? If it's real, was this written by a guy, or made by a girl?
(ps, I don't know the answers. I'm just saying.)

yoga

I really miss moving.
(Moving my body, not moving country.)

I go through periods of not doing anything at all, because I get too busy, or too stressed, or too this, or too that, blah blah blah, so basically periods of lots of crap excuses.

But I've got to the stage of just missing moving for itself. 
Moving, and yoga, and tea.

Little things.
M.

external

So.

Don't pay attention to the external b*llshit someone might come out with.
About you, or your life, or your choices, or morals, or appearance, or anything at all.

I read some comments on this article about me that was in the papers over Christmas. A tiny little story, basically, talking about my typical day.
(Also, there were like 70% positive, 30% negative comments.)

So.
Two questions.
One. Why did I read them? Reading those comments only ever knocks my otherwise decent self-belief and confidence. Makes me doubtful. Makes me question my value and the value in my choices. Ugh.
Okay, I know this sounds dramatic but seriously! The comments are just so like, personal. And just nasty. So why read them? No one knows.
Two. Why care? This is the big one. Why care? Why care about what these people have to say? This is based on nothing. Nothing at all. They don't know me, know anything about anything to do with me. So why care?
And this goes for other situations are well. So often we just get hung up on what "he said, she said". Which just doesn't matter. I mean, seriously? We have like what, under 10 people in our lives that we actually trust and respect and listen to and turn to for advice? So why are we affected by the rest of the external voices?
If someone has time to criticise someone else, and base their chat on nothing, then I mean, come one, they honestly need to re-address their lives.

So, no thanks.
This is about me.
This is about you.
Silence.
Shush.
This is not their life.
These are not their decisions.
So take some time to listen to you. If in doubt, ask the people you truly trust and respect for help, or guidance, or a hug, you know.

Apart from that, listen to you.
Listen to your gut.

Do yoga and kick the bad thoughts out, just out the window, see you later.

Be honest, be kind and be brave.
And take good care of yourself.

With love.
M.

exhausted

Pretty simple - I'm exhausted.
Of this packing stuff.
Of thinking what I'm going to do with my life.
Of not knowing when I can move. Of not knowing when I can fly home.
Of not knowing anything apparently.
Just, no.

F*CK
THIS
SH*T

Night-night.

With love.
M.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)

snow day II

So once again, it's snow-day. An actual snow day, even to a Norseman.
Sunday, the Snow Day.

I am declaring today No-sh*t-Sunday.
The reason for this is simple - I have some crap with the moving business.
But I'm learning from my own mistakes and I'm not going to preempt and go crazy over something that hasn't yet happened, even remotely.
So I'm going to wait and see till I hear some more, and then decide how to proceed.

But for now, it's absolutely the super-official No-sh*t-Sunday.

And I really want to dye my hair darker.
All in my plan of becoming a Nordic Warrior, you know.
Obviously.

So for now I'm drinking coffee, and apple-raspberry juice, watching some Kardashians and staring at the snow.
This day still has time to become useful.

Happy No-sh*t-Sunday.
M. 

repeat

I think this is the first time I'm going to re-post something.
But I was going through some old posts, and this just popped up, and cheered me up.
Not that I particularly needed cheering up even.
It was just there, and so right. And I read it through, and decided I must re-post this.

With love.
M.



As long as there is the sea. The beautiful, beautiful, unforgettable, indescribable, beautiful sea. 
As long as there is sauce to talk about. Plenty of sauce.
As long as we have our health. 
As long as we will not say “no” to everything the universe has got to offer. 
As long as there is all this, it simply must be okay.



As long as there are iced coffees down by the harbour.
As long as there is someone to talk to.
As long as the summers will come again.
As long as there are books, and music.
As long as there's sand in your shoes and a map.
As long as there champagne and skinny dips.
As long as there is CHANCE, for whatever.
As long as there is room to breath and room to change.
As long as there are roots.
As long as there is strength to keep feeling.
The Devil (still) does not play fair.
But if we take a chance every now and then, we might throw him off. M.

growing pains

"No"vember is nearly finished.
And it's been a good month. A good month of many more to come.
I like the fact that it doesn't feel like a month just wasted, or time gone by. Because I find that so frustrating.
And I think the ball's rolling down the right slope. Scary, but exciting.
Like, unraveling, but then realising it's actually fine.

This is so tricky to write down, cause all of this is just so vague, and huge, you know?


So.
Growing pains.
It's not meant to be nice.
When do people stop growing?
I posted, a while ago, just this idea - when do people get too old to get lost.
Or like, when do people cross this barrier into adulthood that means no mistakes, no learning, no nothing. No growing.
Just nothing. Just repetition. Repetition of the same patterns, and same actions, and words, and people, and places. The same routine, and the same habits. The same signposts, and roads, and nooks and crannies, and no wonder, no surprise, no gawking at the miracle of life or staring into space thinking how is anything this wonderful. No chances and no fear.
Children are allowed to go through growing pains. You grow. It's what's meant to happen. Your bones, your teeth, your limbs, your lungs, your rib cage, your spine, your lips, your tongue, your fingers. Everything is stretched and distorted, beyond recognition.
The inconvenience of growing. Growing pains. But at the end of it, you're you.
When do we stop growing. Should we stop growing. Or is it just the fear of another set of growing pains? And then another?
People say you can't change. You don't need to. Just evolve. And let others evolve too.
Why should learning and shifting stop?

Growing pains. They indicate that something big is happening. Not that anyone's dying.
Just that big stuff is going down.

Embrace growing pains.
If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't affect you.
Wouldn't it be boring to stop growing in the early 20s? That you race down this highway of frikkin rainbows, and unicorns, and miracles upon miracles and then just stop?
How much more is there to find and discover?
Of course, this is not something that anyone has to do. It's something a lot of people don't want to do, which is fine. All of this is fine. Plenty of people are happy being comfortable, because comfort is nice, and this is logical and if it feels right, it feels right.
All I'm saying is, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. It's not that you "are not made for this", or you are not "made" for big things, or the little things, or happiness, or sadness, or love, or adventures, or being happy in your skin, or being on someone else's skin. It's that you aren't there yet. But if you ask the right question, the answer always comes.
So many people get scared. I'm one of them. The front-runner of the Fear Regiment. Seriously. But so what? All of this is scary.
But I won't be one of the people who just stops.
Life's too short, and the world's too interesting.
And there will always be people in your life to give you something for your gums, or then pick you up when gravity doesn't aid your attempt at walking, or help you when you feel dizzy cause your blood circulation can't keep up with your body, or when you're changing so fast, you don't really know what to cling on to.
But there will always be people.

If you're honest, you will always find someone to tie you up.
Or in this case, if you're honest, you will always find someone to listen to you moan about the growing pains.

Because truth be told - it's fucking cool.
M.




“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

i would like to

...have some shisha time with the pretty one (as she is known in my international community).
...go jogging somewhere cool with E. so we could prance around the place like kids.
...drink lemonade out of cans with K.
...get very mysa with A. and then be not so mysa and go reintroduce Galliano Sours into our lives.
...



I woke up too late. And it has made me very angry.
I'm really trying not to be angry about this, because I can't change it now.
It's done. I woke up late. Move on.
So please, let's not be annoyed about this.

I'm gonna try and have a very tiring day, so I'll be shattered by midnight and just fall asleep/into my bed.
To get up at a decent time.
Because this has really really started to do my head in.


Annoyed.
Plan of the day - not be annoyed.

PS: I can't even remember when I wrote this post. But I like the to-do list in the beginning. And just how much getting up toooo late pisses me off.
M.

"No"vember

Happy 1st of November, everyone!


I did some drawing today. In honour of having a brand new month, woo!
And I think the drawing does, quite successfully, sum up what I want this month to be(come).

"No"vember.
What are you saying "no" to?
What am I saying "no" to?

I'm a firm believer in saying "yes".
But sometimes it's okay to take a second and realise how great it is to still know when to say "no".
And what to say "no" to.


So.
There's this, and this.

The yoga-a-day challenge is such a good thing to do for actually getting to know some new poses, learning some of the names and just getting into a steady habit of doing yoga.
Not a lot, just a little, but every day.
(Sorry for the appalling yoga-picture below. It was way past midnight when I decided to get involved. Tomorrow's will be better.)

I don't really know why the photo-a-day appeals to me.
I was thinking some time ago (this was actually in a conversation with A.) that for "a creative person" I'm not really creating anything at the moment. And by that I don't mean physical, tangible things. For me it's more a way of looking at things.
And since I have time to do this at the moment - why not.

This photo-a-day just encourages to see, and notice. And look closer. And maybe assess a little differently than before. And to really pinpoint.
I'm hoping this will make autumn more palatable.
(Again, sorry for the photo - I'll get going with both tomorrow.)

And therefore, there's this, and this.

Happy "No"vember.
M.

fragile

As we forget how fragile we are.

Happiness, eh?

Showering and Radio Tallinn which is the best jazz station I think I've ever heard/found.
(It's currently giving me some very relaxed beats, sung in Swedish.)
And letting yourself dry off.
Just stand there, and dry off.

I mean. No guilt, you know.
No guilt.
Guilt is fine, when it's necessary. But too much guilt? When there is nothing really to be guilty for?
That's the thing.

It is Saturday.
It's 5:22pm.
And it is all fine.

NOTE TO SELF:
M U S T make more videos.

It's just that kind of a day. In a pink towel.

(And what an idea. Horizontal showering.)

M.

the rightest bit of wrong

 



As long as there is the sea. The beautiful, beautiful, unforgettable, indescribable, beautiful sea.
As long as there is sauce to talk about. Plenty of sauce.
As long as we have our health.
As long as we will not say “no” to everything the universe has got to offer.
As long as there is all this, it simply must be okay.



As long as there are iced coffees down by the harbour.
As long as there is someone to talk to.
As long as the summers will come again.
As long as there are books, and music.
As long as there's sand in your shoes and a map.
As long as there champagne and skinny dips.
As long as there is CHANCE, for whatever.
As long as there is room to breath and room to change.
As long as there are roots.
As long as there is strength to keep feeling.

The Devil (still) does not play fair.
But if we take a chance every now and then, we might throw him off. M.