weekend

Again, completing an old draft.
This was started in the beginning of May.

SO!

My Italian teacher was here end of April-beginning of May and at the end of his teaching period we had 2 concerts.
In addition to individual lessons we had a bunch of rehearsals with the other singers who had flown to Tallinn from allsorts of places around the world.
Croatia
Serbia
Latvia
Lithuania
Japan
Italy
I think I've forgotten someone.
But anyway - a real mix.

And my spring has been truly the one of a hermit.
And it was the most wonderful weekend!
We had our first rehearsals on the 1st of May and the last concert on the 6th of May.
And I just cannot explain how inspired I was by this bunch!!


First of all, the levels of talent, and more importantly, hard work and focus and persistence and consistency these (young) people showed was incredible.
The voices were absolutely mind-blowing.
And secondly, how incredibly nice and generous they were as colleagues!
Just crazy.
And how much fun!
I mean, because a lot of them were from the sunnier sides of Europe their attitude was very different.
So fabulously open and sincere.
Singing on the streets in the Old Town at midnight, the rehearsal fun, and working together, the post-concert meals. All of it.
I am so pleased and grateful that I met this teacher and through him met this bunch of people and got to share that amount of time with them.
It just gives you such energy to focus and work and have fun!

It takes all the work out of work.

Incredible.

I really hope I will get to see at least some of them if not all of them again some time.

And we could all carry on where we most certainly left off.


Here's to inspirational people.
I often forget how much it means and matters, the people who surround you.
It's not just about having people you spend your free time with.
This is all the people, all the time.
People you discuss your passion with, people you work with, people who drive you further, and upwards, and onwards, and give you speed speed speed and fire and life, and make you vivacious and ambitious and joyous, and any other word ending in "-ous", frivolous even.

Just their generosity, blew my mind.

I mean, I have so much performance experience it's crazy, but technically I need to grow in confidence, in terms of opera.

And the attitude of other singers was just so supportive and amazing, again, blew my mind.

I was freaking out before concert number 2 and one of the singer guys just said, "why would you worry. Sing for yourself and god."

None of them added fear, none of them made me feel like I was doing or choosing wrong.

Just an abundance of love and care.

Spectacular.

That's what life is about.
I saw this quote today, that if you cannot find people who help you on your road, walk it alone. I believe Buddha said something along these lines. And I believe this so much.
But I would like to add, once you find the people who Do help you, like you, guard you and keep you, keep them too. Make sure they know you like having them around, share with them, and help them too.

It's cool.
A life-shared.
That's one of the few things I think I truly believe in.
So I think it's time for me to start living by this as well.


Pisces and I celebrated moving in with planting some herbs, and one of them is RISING!
I'm so excited I can't even describe.


Happy Sunday, and Happy Monday!

Yours truly.

As always.

With love.

M.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

sthlm

Okay, I simply must get this off my chest.

I LOVE STOCKHOLM.

Seriously.
It's a little bit stupid.
How much I love spending time there with A.
And how much I love that city.
And how much I enjoy feeling how I feel there.

Just how much I love Stockholm.
Stupid.

Yours truly.
M.

love

Last night I was sat in a sauna, around 2am.
I was there on my own, which hasn't happened in a very long time.
I used to do that all the time in our old house but ever since it's always either with friends, or at the gym. All good options.
But it used to have a very different effect and meaning for me.
A semi-meditative almost-ritual, just some purifying time alone.
And a time for good thoughts, lots of new, good thoughts.

And so I sat there, late last night.
Spanish and CH were sat outside, and I was in the sauna thinking my thoughts.

And out of nowhere sprang these ideas about love.
And what makes "it work".
I've seen so many people, find love, fall in love, experience the feelings.
And then something happens.
And so I ask, what happens?

And the more I looked at this the more I realised that love is everywhere.
We find it everywhere.
As a race, you know.
And there are so many people we could connect with, given the circumstances.
So love happens, everywhere.
But that's not It.
"It" is a decision.

When a person decides, "yes, I choose you", and coincidentally the other person decides just the same, "I choose you too", then "It" happens.

I've seen so many of my friends choose.
But one of them.
As in, they choose, but the other one simply doesn't.
And that's how far it goes.
This is nothing about, value, worth, or "if I would've had better hair", or "laughed at his jokes more".
Et
cetera

It's not a game of what-if-i-could-persuade-someone-to-appreciate-me-please-please.
It's choice+choice.
(Or very often, choice+not choice.)
Point is.
Don't fret, darlings.
Just make sure you make your own choices, make them right and make them in time.

Yours truly.
M.

In other news - I miss the Christmas tour. Good sign!

glasses

Spaniard's glasses.
Because today was a day for this.
However, I did not wear them. She did.
I simply entertained myself for a little while.

Today was a good day and now it's time for some Australian Masterchef, or the Great British Bake-off.

Tomorrow, is Wednesday.
Some emails, then "Searching for Sugar Man", and then off to see a friend, for some cooking time, sauna and just general relaxing.
I like this pace, main thing is to keep doing.

Yours truly.
M.

travel-cat, again

Hello, all of you!

So I'm back from my gig on Saturday, and one of the islands.
I'm currently in Tallinn, getting ready to go to Finland, and see A. again.

I mean, it's pretty evident Tallinn is not the place I want to be right now.

Love it as I do, it does something weird to me.
I've got my family and my DEAREST friends here, but there's something about this city.
Rather - there's something about me in this city.
That I dislike.

I've got some unsolved problemos with anxiety, and they seem to get worse here, to be honest.
Rather, I can't seem to be able to get it under control here, as well as elsewhere.
And being on the islands, or at A's "mökki" in Finland - there's just more space to breathe and it's so peaceful.
Nature is good for stuff like that.
A very calming effect, which is what I'm after lately.

So for now I'm running around, practising escapism as hard as I possibly, humanly can.

However, the only (and I mean, the only) true downside to this is the lack of blogging.
For which I'm terribly sorry!

I'd love to write more and keep you updated with all the adventures and awesome things that are happening on my manic bouts of running around, but sadly my phone is not smart enough and the laptop isn't light enough to carry around.
So for now, my bits of writing are massively all over the place.
But I will try and make it better, soon.

I hope you're still reading and following.
And as soon as I have anything of value to share with you - I shall.

With love.
M.

Friday

Well this weekend brought lots of new ridiculousness!
I'll have to post this in several goes.

Friday was lots of scaffolding stuff, of course.
But the evening brought with it "Tour de Night" (Tour d'ÖÖ in Estonian) - one of the main events of Tallinn Bicycle week.
It was basically wayy over a 1000 cyclists cruising around Tallinn. The Spaniard and I went along as well.
AND IT WAS AWESOME!

The beginning was fairly slow, cause there were just so many cyclists.
But as we got going it was so much fun it was ridiculous!
And I was so happy Spaniard came with me so we got a chance to share all the fun.
Afterwards we went to McDo on our bikes, Drive-In, thank you very much.
And then into town - on our bikes.
Seriously - this Friday was so golden!
We biked back around 2am. We took hold of the bus lane because why not. We were singing our hearts out and seriously, it was one of the best Fridays I can remember.
Spanish one went to her friends and I went home.
GOLDEN, I tell you.

And all of a sudden I've really fallen in love with this whole cycling thing. The city just shows a really different face when you're a cyclist, and it's a very very nice face.

Stay cycling, boys and girls.
M.

(I love the plastic bag. This was the very beginning of the night and I was on my way to dad's to pick up a bike lock and a backpack which is now my new friend.)

A pap from the Tour d'ÖÖ in May.

gap

Whenever there's a gap in my blogging I can tell (and probably so can you) that it's a tricky patch.
But my tricky patches used to last months, now it's a few days - YAY!
I award myself a point.

But the main thing is that I'm moving, and things are moving.
And as opposed to digging myself into a deeper hole (which we all love doing), I'm getting myself out of it.
With the help of some trusty trusty, trusty friends.
Shout-outs from the heart go out to:
(in alphabetical order)
A.
E.

the Pretty one.
And last, but so not absolutely no-frikkin'-way last, the Spanish one.

Thank you.
I know I've said this to you each, at random times, but it's true.
And I don't expect you to help me so I'd thank you and fall over in gratitude, but I am, so truly grateful.
Because without friends like you I would never in a trillion years have the courage to do or decide the way I've decided. (So cryptic, ha!)

So.
Happy Saturday to all of you.
I'm off to see some friends.

With love.
As always.
M.

alone

Over the past few years, I've started doing things by myself.
I guess I've always been cool with playing on my own, but I've started doing it consciously.

I told A. last autumn that I'm scared of being alone and all this crap.
And I think that because of this I've started doing more and more things by myself.
The little things.

Like, Saturday evening I went to see this awesome theatre company, their piece called "Rave", and it was awesome.
And I think it was even more awesome because I was there on my own.
It's just liberating, you know.
You no longer look at yourself through the aspect and lense of your friends, and all that's familiar, but I felt quite free to just Be.

Obviously, there are so many things that need to be shared and should be shared.
Eating for example is one of the things that is only magnified if shared.
Share a meal and it transforms from just putting fuel into your body to a ritual, of people sharing nothing short of love.

But yes.
Doing things on my own.
It just offers up surprising things and new people and twists and turns.
Sometimes it's scary, but it's so worth it.

Expand and explore.
M.

lights off

And if you can, tonight, then please turn off your lights.
Get some candles.
Think some thoughts, or chat to your friends.
And turn off the lights.

http://www.earthhour.org/

Earth hour.
M.

thursday

Today is going to be a good day.
And tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And Saturday is going to be a good day.
And Sunday is going to be a good day.

So these are my weekend plans in a nutshell.
Simple, huh?

And to celebrate Thursday, I shall post a photo of a beautiful white space, someone doing yoga and a puppy.
(By the way - I will absolutely learn how to do a handstand. This is fact. I just need patience. Keyword: PATIENCE.)

No but seriously - E and I lined up our plans earlier, and all-good everywhere.
Today I'm going for coffee with a friend in this super cozy cafe in the Old Town in TLN. And it's sunny outside. Then to dad's for boardgames.
Tomorrow I'm staying over at the pretty one's. Saturday is party night.
And I plan to use my new gym-membership (....yesssssssssssssssssssssss............) for some running and sauna time.

Just
peaceful
times
continuing

I hope you're all having a kick-ass Thursday.

Stay peaceful.
M.

TRT

I'm back! Again. My second return in a week, or something.

Tartu was super.
It's our university town in the south of Estonia.
I stayed with some old suuupper friends, and it was so lovely I could almost die.
Both nights revolved around food, tea, food, tea, and chats, more tea and lots more chats, and boardgames. In short, an ideal combo!

It's strange how you have some people with whom it simply doesn't matter when you saw them last, or where or why or whatever, point is, you gel, immediately.
And it's one of the basic fundamental joys of the human life I think. Or at least, I regard it extremely highly.

And so I'm back in the capital, where it's warmer and less snowy.
I got the 7:46am train back with K. which meant a 6:45am wake-up, and now I feel almost like I've never had any sleep ever.
But seriously, this was a super duper 2-night break. So much delicious food, and lots of good atmosphere.
Also, shoutout to "Jane" for being a wonderful-wonderful hostess lady person! (Pingviiiiiniiiiid)

And now my cat is licking his little cat balls in a patch of spring sunshine. (...Too poetic not to share, sorry!)

Now it's tea-time and food time, and then I'm going to the gym, to run on a sunny treadmill and pretend it's warm enough to do that outside.
And lift my weights, like a machine.

Happy Tuesday, guys!

Go, adventure.
M.

Central-Estonia on the bus journey to TRT and snow, snow, snow. Happy mid-March!

Groceries in the bike basket. Simple things

Evening walk last night in the freezing cold. I really liked the lighting on the bridge

Light work, "Snake". Fine by me

Morning train! Hello, TLN.

sthlm

So it's my last night in Stockholm and I'm watching Lord of the Rings, the first one, and A's making vegetable soup.
Tomorrow, my flight leaves at 3pm and then it's back to TLN.

This has been an awesome visit, and a strange one at the same time.
But the awesomeness outweighs the strangeness ten-ten-ten-fold.

The awesomeness.
IT'S SPRING HERE.
I mean, honestly.
There's a photo below of one of the bridges in the centre of town, going towards Gamla Stan, the old town. And the sea/river thing is free of ice! I mean, free of ice! As a Norseman, this makes me so happy I was just stood there yesterday, staring like a seagull or something.
And A's flat is like, beyond superb. It's white, and practical, and cosy and just like, SUPER. Honestly. Again, Maria wants a nest, vol. 2000.

And it's been a highly highly educational visit, in so many ways. But more of that later on.

You live and you learn. And the important things anyway are friends, and homes and spring!! Which will always come again.
And feeding ducks, and parks, and music, and smiling at strangers, and being open to stuff, and seeing the King (which I did, by the way), and I don't even know.
The important things which we sometimes think about.
But that's stupid.
And a waste of time.

So as spring approaches, I won't forget.

With love.
M.

v-day

Or Friends' Day! As it is known in the Nordic parts of Europe.
Cherish your friends and hug them loads.

We had fit breakfast today, and it was fit.
I stayed at E's place and we got up at 7am which translates to me as 5am London time. It was so much fun! I do like early mornings once I get up for one. And also, I must say, I'm exhausted right now. The past 3 nights have held no sleep so I'm really deprived.
Hopefully I'll shift back into a normal-ish structure with tonight.

Head Sõbrapäeva!
M.

tuesday

I've been very useful today. So I give myself a point!

And we've got an awesome awesome Tuesday planned! (Since it is my last official day. OH. MY. F*CK.)

AEM and I are gonna get up at 7AM and go to town for breakfast. We've got a table for 8.30 at this place http://www.gordonramsay.com/bread-street/
And I'm so going to have eggs benedict. Ahhh, eggy B, my old friend. (And probably some pink grapefruit.)





Then we're meeting J. at the Barbican tube station around half 9 to go to the Barbican for the Rain Room installation.
Rain Room is a hundred square metre field of falling water through which it is possible to walk, trusting that a path can be navigated, without being drenched in the process.
http://random-international.com/work/rainroom/
It looks absolutely incredible. Apparently the queues are like crazy (3-4 hours) so we're getting there an hour and a half before it opens. We're going armed with boardgames (connect-4 and battleship which I love) and I'll need a can of Sprite I think.
And then AJ is joining us a bit later.

Once we've seen the Rain Room and got our minds blown to particles AEM and I have some errands to run, after which it's PANCAKE DAY!
Since it's Shrove Tuesay it's time for some Pancakes. For the 5th year in a row I'll be making the pancakes. The thing is I don't really like eating them, but gosh, do I love making them.
And then we're going to the cinema to see Django.

And then I'm going to sleep, think some good thoughts and not freak out.
I keep swinging from loving everything and everyone to being so scared and anxious to back to this total sentimental love again. It's much like a rollercoaster, honestly.

But this is where I have to give credit to the girls at home, E., the pretty one, K. for their unfaltering excitement at my return and being so positive. Otherwise I just couldn't go through with this. So I'm just taking a moment to be grateful.
And of course, A. who's like a brother, a sister, a pet, and a grandad all rolled into one.

Here's to shifting yourself.
All my love.
M.

tulips

Every year for the past 6 I've have made sure there are tulips around on my birthday. At first I always use to buy some myself and then my friends started doing it.
And I can't remember whether there are any tulips about in Tallinn in the beginning of March.
Hmmmm...

Weird.
M.

friends

Friends.
Today I'm just really grateful, for having people in my life.
For having people who care about me.
And people who care about how I'm doing.
And what will happen to me.
And people who wish to push me and challenge me, and help me challenge myself.
And help me see myself the way they see me.Which sometimes is so very very important.

So today is for gratitude.
I am grateful for the friends, I am grateful that they care and I'm grateful that I have many more times with these lovely people to look forward to.

Thank you.
M.

loneliness

(This following post was brought about by the fact that I just saw an old friend who I used to be really close with in school, just when I moved here. And up until today, hadn't seen him in 4 years.)

Okay, so.
There's this thing that really confuses me. This thing that I do.

I make myself lonely.

Explanation.
I have lots of friends and lots and lots of acquaintances, that I've just gathered from Estonia and UK and all around the place, with these (almost) 7 years of travelling and roaming about the place.

Then I just seem to do my best not to see them.
And then I feel lonely.

Is it just me or like, this just does not make any sense, at all?

Okay, I would get it if I don't see anyone (apart from like my main 5-6 people) and then I'm absolutely jumping off the walls over the moon happy with this situation.
But this is not the case.

So therefore, through some logical-deduction, this makes no sense. At all.

If I don't want to be lonely, why do I make myself lonely?
Why do I cut myself off from all these people who would like to see me, or hear from me, or both?

Granted, I like solitude, form time to time. I like living in a serene, quiet surrounding - okay, fine.
But to self-create this loneliness? Think that I have to friends or people and almost envy those who do? When it's actually me who's creating this.
NON
SEN
SI
CAL

I mean, I have no idea.
M.


(If there is anyone else who does this, please please let me know why would anyone actually do this.)

friends

I like friends.
M.

Christmas + zen

I've heard so many people (more than usual) this year mention the holiday hustle, and how busy it is. So many people just saying how they don't really want to go into town, or go Christmas shopping, because everyone is acting fairly deranged, which I'm not debating.
All I wanted to say was that I just think it's such a shame that the Christmas holidays for the majority have become something that takes away their energy as opposed to giving them energy.

So since the holidays are now officially over I hope the end of the year will give you some time to gather some awesome new energy and recharge. Doesn't matter whether it's from your family, your friends, or the place you live, or the local Christmas market.
Light a candle, or whatever, and think some really nice, peaceful, happy thoughts.

A zen-ful end-of-the-old-year to you.
M.