hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.