weekend

Again, completing an old draft.
This was started in the beginning of May.

SO!

My Italian teacher was here end of April-beginning of May and at the end of his teaching period we had 2 concerts.
In addition to individual lessons we had a bunch of rehearsals with the other singers who had flown to Tallinn from allsorts of places around the world.
Croatia
Serbia
Latvia
Lithuania
Japan
Italy
I think I've forgotten someone.
But anyway - a real mix.

And my spring has been truly the one of a hermit.
And it was the most wonderful weekend!
We had our first rehearsals on the 1st of May and the last concert on the 6th of May.
And I just cannot explain how inspired I was by this bunch!!


First of all, the levels of talent, and more importantly, hard work and focus and persistence and consistency these (young) people showed was incredible.
The voices were absolutely mind-blowing.
And secondly, how incredibly nice and generous they were as colleagues!
Just crazy.
And how much fun!
I mean, because a lot of them were from the sunnier sides of Europe their attitude was very different.
So fabulously open and sincere.
Singing on the streets in the Old Town at midnight, the rehearsal fun, and working together, the post-concert meals. All of it.
I am so pleased and grateful that I met this teacher and through him met this bunch of people and got to share that amount of time with them.
It just gives you such energy to focus and work and have fun!

It takes all the work out of work.

Incredible.

I really hope I will get to see at least some of them if not all of them again some time.

And we could all carry on where we most certainly left off.


Here's to inspirational people.
I often forget how much it means and matters, the people who surround you.
It's not just about having people you spend your free time with.
This is all the people, all the time.
People you discuss your passion with, people you work with, people who drive you further, and upwards, and onwards, and give you speed speed speed and fire and life, and make you vivacious and ambitious and joyous, and any other word ending in "-ous", frivolous even.

Just their generosity, blew my mind.

I mean, I have so much performance experience it's crazy, but technically I need to grow in confidence, in terms of opera.

And the attitude of other singers was just so supportive and amazing, again, blew my mind.

I was freaking out before concert number 2 and one of the singer guys just said, "why would you worry. Sing for yourself and god."

None of them added fear, none of them made me feel like I was doing or choosing wrong.

Just an abundance of love and care.

Spectacular.

That's what life is about.
I saw this quote today, that if you cannot find people who help you on your road, walk it alone. I believe Buddha said something along these lines. And I believe this so much.
But I would like to add, once you find the people who Do help you, like you, guard you and keep you, keep them too. Make sure they know you like having them around, share with them, and help them too.

It's cool.
A life-shared.
That's one of the few things I think I truly believe in.
So I think it's time for me to start living by this as well.


Pisces and I celebrated moving in with planting some herbs, and one of them is RISING!
I'm so excited I can't even describe.


Happy Sunday, and Happy Monday!

Yours truly.

As always.

With love.

M.

home

Happy Tuesday night, everyone!

Pisces has joined me in town today so this is our first official night in the pad.

I've been here a little over a week.

So far we've had a celebratory cider, planted some herbs and listened to the crazy loud birdsong.

I think it's a mix of having a park right behind the house and also being on the 5th floor - the birds stay at the very tops of the trees and therefore the clarity of their sound from here is crazy.

It's the most divine soundtrack. 

I unpacked my books today and spoke to dad about the need to celebrate.

Anything. Everything.

Life.

He agreed and said he'd come for a flat-warming party as soon as possible.

I loved his enthusiasm!

So now I'm in bed, ready for sleep.

We will see what tomorrow brings exactly but today I will sleep easier.

Peace and love, darlings.

Yours truly.

As always.

M.

unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

..

the last poem:
Shiva's dance


i keep using the word "last"
the last time
the last second
the last thought
the last lie
the very last
no the very last, really
no the last after last
no the lastest
a barren echo
and all i know is
it has no meaning
it almost mocks me
my impotent declaration
any strength it once held
now drips out like oil
constant
i stop
and all i see is
sometimes "last" will not exist
i read you my last poems
you didn't know i write
and you liked them
and you laughed
listened
it didn't make them better
it created another poem entirely

do you write poems
Shiva


unrelenting fireworks
of the past present future
all changing
and shifting face
replacing my neurons
my truth is not my truth
it stands as a stranger
my truth is just as true as the word "last"


sometimes i actually feel
like I really am Shiva
dancing
annihilation in one eye
and birth
in the other


i mean
nothing has changed.
apart from
everything that once was, is no longer
polarities shaking hands
they seem amused


and this is where the first summer sunrises
find
me
as unravelled
as i am whole


Shiva
how do you still dance
...

right now

This is what I want.

And this is all if I'm honest.
All the work and projects and ideas, nope.
I want to be topless, somewhere in Italy, drinking wine on a balcony.
Or by a pool.
Or whatever.
That's what I want.
I want some Italian man with a love of opera to call me "bellissima" and that's it.
That is all.

Thanks, byyye!

Yours truly.
With love.
M.

break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

dance, shiva

Shiva and Shakti.


They say the world will stand as we know it until Shiva carries on dancing.



SHIVA symbolises consciousness, the masculine principle.
SHAKTI symbolises the feminine principle, the activating power and energy.

SHAKTI, the feminine (or Prakriti) means energy, power, movement, change, nature. It is the maternal principle – the provider, abundance. In the human as well as in the animal kingdom the mother offers nourishment, warmth and security. There is no greater love than the love of a mother. The mother carries and nourishes the child in her own body. When it is born she provides it with mother’s milk and raises it at the sacrifice of her own self until it becomes self-reliant.

SHIVA, the masculine (or Purusha), on the other hand, is pure consciousness – the unchanging, unlimited and unswayable observer. Purusha has no desires whatsoever; these are inherent only in Prakriti. Purusha is the empty, clear screen onto which Prakriti projects her colourful film.

Shiva and Shakti are manifestations of the all-in-one divine consciousness - different sides of the same coin. In many pictures these two primal powers are each depicted as being one half of the same image; one side female and one side male. The left side is the Divine Mother, Pārvatī, the “feminine” energy, and the right side represents Shiva, the “masculine” consciousness.

Happy Wednesday night.
Happy end of April!
May the month of May be divine, and flowing and full of the best energy.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsYxLG5G6P0

waves

"If someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

I don't know whose quote this is.
But this is the greatest truth.

If someone doesn't believe in me, I do not and will not - no, scrap that - Cannot believe in them.




Bring peace to my waves.
Bring peace.
I weather enough storms on my own.
I must give my Love for peace.
Child of storm, it just comes slowly.
But I must learn.
And I will.



Maria Listra, 35, -...and now fill this gap-
Writer?
Actress?
Anthropologist?
Humanitarian?
Educator?
Poet?
Artist?
Who?

Who.



A perfect stranger gave me a big bunch of flowers today.
And this made me very happy.


I want my ideals and my philosophy to drive my life.
Hand myself over to my soul.
In my heart I am a philosopher, therefore, I should live like one.


I love all of you.
This week, I'm taking everything very slow.
Babysteps.
I have time.



Seek beauty.
In everything.
Do no harm.
Make your heart happy.



So.
YOUR NAME. COMA. YOUR AGE IN SOME TIME. COMA. WHO? WHO? WHO?


Peace, always.
Yours truly.
M.

understand

So this is what I've been thinking.

All I need, is for my person to understand me philosophically.
All the rest can be overcome and whatever, doesn't really matter.

What I mean by this is - if I have to justify myself or over-explain myself, that is a no go.
If I have to justify why I believe that things WILL be better, and life CAN just go the way I want it to go, if I commit and make a plan and work for it, if someone makes me justify all this - the answer is NO.
If someone wants to question my enthusiasm for the future that I want -  S C R E W    Y O U.


Do not question my faith in a future of my own choosing!

Do not. question. my faith. in a future of my own choosing.
Just. Do. Not.

Therefore - NO.


I'll take my future, I'll take my belief, and faith, and hope, and screw you.
I am a realist.
Just in my world, this does not mean being an asshole pessimist.
It means helping and nourishing my own enthusiasm and the enthusiasm of others.
That TOO is realistic.
So f_ck you.

And THAT, my dears, is what I've been thinking.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

visuals

Hey, guys!

Happy spring!

I hope it's spring where you are.

Anyway. Life's been a general mumble-jumble for the last few days, so here's a visual catchup for you, instead of a written one.

Short version:

Had a gig on Thursday, then changed the backgrounds on my phone, always a big thing, and now I'm off to the National to practice (a friend of mine works there and she hooked me up with a PRACTICE ROOM). 

Message of the day: Give up.

Really - Give. Up.

We don't know anything, and we cannot control anything.

The sooner you give up, the sooner you can start enjoying life and just seeing where life takes you. 

Have faith in the good to come, but Just. Give. Up.

Stop fighting the current, give up and see where the forces carry you. 

Adventure, right?

Love, forever and always.

Yours truly.

M.

eclipse

This full Moon and red eclipse situation is such fun....
Literally, today has been crazy!!
The energy is just insaaannne.
But hey, all this Moon drama comes bearing good news and positive changes, so a-okay!
Bring it on, let's do it.
Out with all the old, IN WITH ALL THE NEW.


I want to fall in love with actions, not words.
I want to fall in love with reality, not ideas and wishes.
Reality, not fiction.
ACTIONS, not words!!

Seriously, sometimes I wish I just wrote about everything, names and all just how it is.
I know I won't, but sometimes I would really like to.


So.
I really need to be kinder to myself, respect myself more, love myself better.
This is really a task.
A real real task, a big task.
And this needs a plan.


Out with the old, out with all the old.
Time for ALL the new!

This is what full Moons and especially eclipses are about.
Cleansing, and purifying.
Jamming people into dead-ends so they would have to get rid of the crap.
Claw out.


Red is the colour of love and hate.
Red is the colour of blood and blood is life and death.
All the dualities.


If I could I would put some heads on spears.
Really.
Instead, I'm watching Vikings and thinking of starting Thai boxing on Sunday.
It's been a while coming.


Forever soft, forever strong.


NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Please-thanks.
Yours truly.
M.

belong

This man said something really nice yesterday.


He believes that people are born where they are born for a reason.
And I really like this thought.
I like this thought of our souls being where we are for some reason.
Because we could do something here, or help with something or better something.
I like this idea, of placement.
I really like this.

There's something really beautiful and serene about it.


So I was placed here.
And truth is, there IS a lot I could do here.
And I've always said what I'm most interested in is not people looking at me as I sing and then clapping, but rather making a difference.
Doing something and therefore leaving something behind.
I care about legacy.
And other people, especially young people.


This will not be very water-tight with some of you, and yes, travelling and searching and yearning, I know this too.
But I really, really like him saying it.
It somehow struck some chord or another.


Where do we belong.
What could we do.
Why are we where we are.
With love.
M.

direction(s)

First of all.
Can I just say.
I know most of this makes me sound like an actual psycho, all this emotional instability et cetera.
BUT. It's not like I'm moaning or whatever because I think it's super nice.
This is just a by-product of what happens when a person undergoes some serious changes.
And these changes are positive!
But GOD it's hard sometimes.
Hard and BORING.
But whatever.
I much prefer being what I'm like right now, than what I was like before.
So I'll take the sh*t parts with a big pinch of salt, and on we go.
**

Well, well.
All this just keeps going up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down.


Same with today.
Everything is up and down.


Mid-April.

God, what/such confusion.


I really want something to hold on to in this current madness.
And so I shall hold on to the idea that this will pass, and the seas will most definitely calm down.



Peace and love.
Yours truly, always.
M.



Two photos below.
One from yesterday, one from this TV show from 2010.

midnight

Hey, guys!!

Can I just start with saying that the past few days have been really truly wonderful!

First of all, a very unexpected message from a dear acquaintance and a colleague I reallly respect, then some super excellent baroque concerts, then some work meetings with like-minded people, talking about exciting ideas about new projects, and then another super lovely meeting.
It's so nice to receive a hand from the Universe when stuff gets really crap.
I'm so grateful for this pick-me-up.


So the storm has passed I think.


I'm looking forward to doing things.
And I'm feeling nice in my bones.
I don't have many thoughts to share with you this Friday night.
But what I can say is this - I'm feeling steady, and pleased, and happy about the way this energy is moving.

I'm throwing a bunch of stuff out tomorrow, dad's coming to help.
We're dropping them off at this second hand centre where they relocate your things and clothes to people in need.
I've filled a big IKEA bag and my big suitcase.

That's a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff = a lot of new space.
And this makes me exited!

Upwards and onwards, let's keep our flames burning.


Tomorrow I am doing some shopping in town, I've got a charity concert on Sunday so I need some stuff for that. Then dad and getting rid of the clothes. Then I'm getting my nails done, I'm really starting to enjoy it! And then perhaps a little sunbed - the dress for Sunday is white.
So that's my very simple Saturday.

Love to all of you!
I'm grateful about feeling happy, I'm grateful for making new space and I'm grateful that I feel like I'm making progress.

Follow your truth.
Yours truly.
M.

reminder

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

—	Margaret Atwood

meaning

Making meaning.
Meaning into the meaningless.


I found some today.


I was talking to a friend of mine, about all this.
And all I did was come back to the same conclusion, again and again, that if I and we are VERY honest, none of this has any meaning.
Truly.
At all.


And this is fine, and I accept this.
This is not a matter of changing my mind about this - this is not what I'm after.
I see this as a fact and truth, and I am okay with this.

The challenge now becomes making meaning into the meaningless.

The point is, I accept that it does not have any true meaning, any wider purpose or whatever.
BUT.
The true meaning is doing what we enjoy.
And through this, as a result, exuding our love into the atmosphere.
That's it.
That's all.
The only meaning, in any of this, at all, ever, is just doing what makes our hearts happy.



And so I went to this concert tonight.
It was baroque.
And I felt a want, I felt that I wanted to sing, again, to get up and share and do.
And give.


So this was really something.
It was as if I found a piece of myself I had given away, or something that had got stuck somewhere, in the twigs and thorns, my hemline stuck on some roots, something pulling me back.
And it felt like I got it back.
Like a bit of me flew back into me.


FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE.
FIND IT, FIGHT FOR IT.
AND DO IT.

It will be the thing that feeds you, and covers you, and protects you, and saves you from drowning.

Find it, look for it, love it.


So I count this as a good day.

Love, always.
Yours true-true-truly.
M.

“I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.”

—	Roald Dahl