hole

I really need to drill a hole into my head so all this negativity and stuff can come out.

Seriously.
I'm so tired and so fed up with fighting this, this pressure, but I don't know how to release it, for good.
Just the same themes keep swimming up, and I feel like I'm drowning under them.
And every time this feeling gets stronger.
Hardly riding the wave.

I'm sad, and scared and unsure.
It feels like I've lost, at something, already.
It is like the score is 1-0 to someone else.
Best I can do to describe the feeling.
And then people go, oh but singing comes so easy to you.

I wish I didn't see the mountain I have to climb, but I do.
I'm ignoring starting the climb (..this might actually have a HUGE part in my current state of .....this), but I can see it in the background, constantly.
It's like the Alps.
Once you're there you cannot overlook the fact that they are THERE.

And meanwhile I'm crumbling, and crumbling.


Happy Friday.
I have love for all of you.
I hope you are doing what needs to be done, before it starts weighing heavy.

I hate making myself sad.


Yours truly.M.



And you know what.
Nothing external can cure these rips and tears in the system.
No love can work as glue, no gentle care and affection can melt it back together.
This is only a process for the Self and the Love from this Self.

freaking out

Today is Sunday. I'm leaving on Wednesday.
I am freaking out.

In other news, we had another super fun day today. (Yesterday consisted of good lunch and gaming at my old friend's house.)
We started off being really useful and got stuff done. Then went for some coffee. Came home, went for bowling (I won, yay!) And then came home to eat stuff in our den (yes, we built a den yesterday) and watch BAFTAs.

And now I've realised that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be "I'm moving the day after tomorrow" which is freaking me out.

The massive saving grace of this evening is the fact that J. decided to give me her jumper that says "YAY!" on it, which I think is pretty fitting. And apparently it works really well in either inappropriate or really stupidly stupid situations, or just in a crap mood.
And I love this jumper.

Happy Monday morning that's around the corner. 
M.