fear

So, first of all.
Lately, in my life, I'm scared a lot.
Of everything.
Moving, not moving, singing, not singing, theatre, these school concerts, writing up some things, attention, heartbreak.
You name it, I'm scared of it.
I mean, at some point, I became terribly scared of my email inbox.
To the point of panic.

But then I realised.
This fear is not mine.
I've never known fear.
Really.
Like, really, truly, never known it.
I learnt it at some point in my life.
But it's not mine.

And now I've realised I don't like seeing fear, it makes me very .....annoyed.
Watching it. Witnessing it.
Watching people get frightened, over the things that should not warrant fear.

Let's differentiate between fear and fear.

The primal fear one would feel when faced with a giant bear monster thing, waiting to eat you?
Yes, fine. That can stay.

But the kind of fear, this helplessness in the face of something new?
No.

Also, let's just say. There are some people for whom either social situations or lighting a candle or going to the store or blah blah blah is very difficult.
But let's be very honest here.
For most of us, we have been taught to fear things.
To be helpless, and to feel scared, in the face of something new.

I saw that today in the face of my nephew.
This taught sense of helplessness.
It makes me so angry.

Because it hinders life.
Do more of what scares you.
Because chances are, this fear isn't yours.

It was given to you, like unnecessary legacy.
Yours truly.
M.

new

Hi, readers from new countries! This is so exciting.

However, something not so exciting is the fact that my laptop charger has just stopped working, completely. So I'm currently on AEM's laptop.
The only "pro" of this situation is that I might get more packing done. So I'm really really really really going to try and concentrate on the positive aspects of this stupid stupid situation.
Since my laptop is a Dell I can't just walk into a shop and buy a new charger cause everything is done online. AEM's brother is some tech-genius so I'm going to see him tomorrow.

I'm sorry we've just been discussing my charger.
But hey, it hit me hard.
And I want to blog on my own laptop, where all my photos are saved.
Whatever.

What would significantly cheer me up right now is some ice-cream.

I hope all of your chargers are working.
M.

annoying

Okay.
I'm gonna stop being a stroppy asshole of a leftover-teenage now. And get the fuck over it.
Or at least explain it.

So, the reason I'm so annoyed.

A lot of things are shifting right now and it's really confusing the f_ck out of me.
I'm the kind of person who likes keeping a finger on the pulse of things, in my life. Because I don't have a manager or a management to sort my things, I'm so involved with figuring out "where" things are going, what projects to undertake, how to do and what to do and who to do it with.
Which is all fine.
Point is.
A lot is changing, a lot is happening, a lot needs to be decided.

WHICH IS FINE.

But you know, when it's just so much at the same time.
And I'd like someone to tell me anything, just anything at all. Any advice as to how to do stuff.

So far this hasn't explained why I'm so angry at all..
I don't like being angry and not knowing why.
I'm angry cause I'm frustrated, I'm frustrated cause I can't know what stuff is going to be like in a month or so.
Tomorrow I'm gonna make a plan. Sing a concert.
And then after my final gig is done tomorrow, I'm going to remind myself of all the things that are awesome.
And get. some. clarity.

And it will all be fine.
M.