midnight

Hey, guys!!

Can I just start with saying that the past few days have been really truly wonderful!

First of all, a very unexpected message from a dear acquaintance and a colleague I reallly respect, then some super excellent baroque concerts, then some work meetings with like-minded people, talking about exciting ideas about new projects, and then another super lovely meeting.
It's so nice to receive a hand from the Universe when stuff gets really crap.
I'm so grateful for this pick-me-up.


So the storm has passed I think.


I'm looking forward to doing things.
And I'm feeling nice in my bones.
I don't have many thoughts to share with you this Friday night.
But what I can say is this - I'm feeling steady, and pleased, and happy about the way this energy is moving.

I'm throwing a bunch of stuff out tomorrow, dad's coming to help.
We're dropping them off at this second hand centre where they relocate your things and clothes to people in need.
I've filled a big IKEA bag and my big suitcase.

That's a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff = a lot of new space.
And this makes me exited!

Upwards and onwards, let's keep our flames burning.


Tomorrow I am doing some shopping in town, I've got a charity concert on Sunday so I need some stuff for that. Then dad and getting rid of the clothes. Then I'm getting my nails done, I'm really starting to enjoy it! And then perhaps a little sunbed - the dress for Sunday is white.
So that's my very simple Saturday.

Love to all of you!
I'm grateful about feeling happy, I'm grateful for making new space and I'm grateful that I feel like I'm making progress.

Follow your truth.
Yours truly.
M.

fear

So, first of all.
Lately, in my life, I'm scared a lot.
Of everything.
Moving, not moving, singing, not singing, theatre, these school concerts, writing up some things, attention, heartbreak.
You name it, I'm scared of it.
I mean, at some point, I became terribly scared of my email inbox.
To the point of panic.

But then I realised.
This fear is not mine.
I've never known fear.
Really.
Like, really, truly, never known it.
I learnt it at some point in my life.
But it's not mine.

And now I've realised I don't like seeing fear, it makes me very .....annoyed.
Watching it. Witnessing it.
Watching people get frightened, over the things that should not warrant fear.

Let's differentiate between fear and fear.

The primal fear one would feel when faced with a giant bear monster thing, waiting to eat you?
Yes, fine. That can stay.

But the kind of fear, this helplessness in the face of something new?
No.

Also, let's just say. There are some people for whom either social situations or lighting a candle or going to the store or blah blah blah is very difficult.
But let's be very honest here.
For most of us, we have been taught to fear things.
To be helpless, and to feel scared, in the face of something new.

I saw that today in the face of my nephew.
This taught sense of helplessness.
It makes me so angry.

Because it hinders life.
Do more of what scares you.
Because chances are, this fear isn't yours.

It was given to you, like unnecessary legacy.
Yours truly.
M.

being pisces

So I read this thing somewhere.
About how each of us have something to learn from our Zodiac sign.
How the negative aspect of it is a vessel for learning, your own personal lesson.

I am Pisces.
The double-fish.

"Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves.
Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan."

This is so very much like me.
From all angles.

Therefore - I need to learn how to sink my claws into something solid.
Something that doesn't shift and would therefore give me the stability that I'm so very much yearning for.
All the time.

It's true that this moaning thing sometimes becomes a juicy bone for Pisces. Self-pity has no benefits, let's get this straight.
The thing is, I really feel like I've grown out of this enjoyment of the mutable state.
Life is mutable enough. We can't foresee the choices and actions of other people, or the weather for that matter, anything, so truth be told, we control very little.
But we can choose for ourselves.
So why not do that.
I used to be a big fan of letting things go, just unravelling, my things, and therefore miss opportunities, really positive ones. Miss people, miss chances, miss life.
And that's as boring, as it is stupid.

I'm yet figuring out what the answer is.
Something physical would make sense.
I find that some kind of movement grounds me in the body, which is a really easy, "normal" thing, to sink your teeth into.
So even if you can't control A, B or C, you sure as hell can control your arms and legs.

Learn from your sign.

Trust
the
process

Yours truly.
M.

days

Every single day when I don't write anything on this very blog, is a day when I don't focus my thoughts.

So this was 4 days too many.

I really have to write, every day.
It just helps.

So, do it, Maria.
Thanks.

You are the priority.
I am the priority.

Write.
M.

today

And today my lighter brown hair with ginger ends is going!
I'm going to the Spaniards now to dye some hair. I'll do hers, she'll do mine.

And the ginger ends will be no longer.
Not till summer at least.
I need some contrast around my face.

Somehow this makes me feel like I'm battling the elongated winter better.
We shall see in a few hours - fingers crossed I'll emerge a new warrior lol-cat wolf.

Have a happy Saturday!
M.

hamsa

Just saying, thanks for reading.
(I mean, really really thanks for reading.)

Some helping hands. I like the image of open palms and hands showing "no harm".

Show an open hand.
M.

friends

Friends.
Today I'm just really grateful, for having people in my life.
For having people who care about me.
And people who care about how I'm doing.
And what will happen to me.
And people who wish to push me and challenge me, and help me challenge myself.
And help me see myself the way they see me.Which sometimes is so very very important.

So today is for gratitude.
I am grateful for the friends, I am grateful that they care and I'm grateful that I have many more times with these lovely people to look forward to.

Thank you.
M.

singing

So.
I use this blog as my personal wall space.
If I could actually use the 4 walls in my room, and write on those, I would. But that would be a bit annoying afterwards.
So I use this as my personal space where I blurt out whatever needs blurting out.
And this has helped me a lot, in terms of getting clarity and staying on top.

So now I thought, if I've managed to help myself through this blog, why not see whether I could do the same in terms of singing. This won't mean loads of technical boring stuff. But rather more of the same, but with a singing angle.
Singing for me is the most psychologically charged subject matter. I think it's partly because I started singing so young and kind of grew up judging myself. So now, whenever I sing I can just feel that voice in the back of my head start to criticise again. Criticism is good. But not when all you do is just bash yourself in the face with it.

Cause I do worry a little, about my singing stuff. The line between working on actual issues but then just steering away from hard work is so thin I think. But I might apply my workout logic with this: "If it's hard, to more of it."

I'll see how this goes, or doesn't.M.
My absolute favourite 'work' photo of me, ever. Ever.
And the second one is a bunch of flowers that this old man gave me after one of my summer concerts. These simple simple flowers were just so sincere and therefore, a photo of them.

lessons we need to learn

Each has their own.
Everything is different
Men are different from women
And women different from men
And then each is different from the next
And every day is different
Every life
Every second
And what people do
And what they don't
And why they do what they do
And should they have done it
Should anyone do anything, at all
Or should we just not
Blah, blah, blah
I mean, really

Co-exist and co-inspire
That's all anyone can do
We see things and we can't act on it
Because these things are not our things
They are someone else's
So all we can do, is co-exist and co-inspire
And make sure we don't waste
Waste our time
Waste our talent
Waste our breath
Waste our sunrises and sunsets
And waste our joy
Because life is hard enough for us not to corrupt ourselves
So get on a swing
Laugh too loud
And delight in the ridiculous
Find someone to marvel with
Because everything is too serious anyway
Too serious and too sad
And too tragic
And too unfair and unjust
So keep hold of your own joy
Make sure you keep your shine
Be kind to yourself
And let others live through their own mistakes


D for December is for Damage control.


i've almost got rid of it
the bullshit of needing to get acceptance, or you know
"self-worth" from outsiders
almost

We each have our lessons to learn.

I have a hyacinth in my room.
With love.
M.

"the sun and the stars"

do we have time
to go for the sun and the stars
like
do we have any time
at all

should we ever think we have the time
but maybe we do
so let yourself burn
and let others burn too

because whether there's a lot
or a little
point is
time flies

With love.
M.

if in doubt....

...GET SOME EXCITING PLANS OUT.
(This is currently the stage of unofficial excitement.)

But more about this later on.


So.
I noticed that for some reason I have started giving myself the worst possible chance of success.
Because "if it's easy, it's not worth it"? (big fat whatever, doesn't actually matter "why", to be honest..)

one day.
it would take me one day to catch up with everything that's lagging right now.
just one day.
and I've been putting off this one day for like, what, a week? More than a week?
It's ridiculous. and just a whole separate level of sheer stupidity.
and if I don't catch up, it will give me more reasons, more excuses later on, to say why something didn't go like this or like that.
it's like I'm cushioning my own failure, ALREADY.
So as opposed to saying "heck, I tried, I really tried", I'd have to opportunity to say "weelllll, there was thiiiis, there was thaaaat... blah, blah, blah"
Madness.

Why not have a fresh cup of screw-you, aaand actually help myself?
Why not just for once give myself the ultimate best chance of success? And not turn myself into this pitiful charity case? (which I'm SO not.)
Why not?
What is this fear of failure?
Cause surely, every goal is just a step in itself, not a finite point. So okay, yeah, whatever, you failed at point A, but then there's point B, and point C, and point D, and (surprise-surprise!) point E, you catch my drift. So surely, preparation for each point only makes it better for the next one. And these points don't end at Z. They end when our lives end, because that's the point. You go, go, go, go, go, go. You do things, until you don't.
Fear of failure... Why? And failing at what?
(loads of noises indicating "being irritated".)

So fear of failure is just so. f*cking. stupid.
(and also very aggravating stuff.)

ps. I'm going to read this tomorrow morning. Maybe out loud, for good measure.
Peace out.

helping yourself
M.