understand

So this is what I've been thinking.

All I need, is for my person to understand me philosophically.
All the rest can be overcome and whatever, doesn't really matter.

What I mean by this is - if I have to justify myself or over-explain myself, that is a no go.
If I have to justify why I believe that things WILL be better, and life CAN just go the way I want it to go, if I commit and make a plan and work for it, if someone makes me justify all this - the answer is NO.
If someone wants to question my enthusiasm for the future that I want -  S C R E W    Y O U.


Do not question my faith in a future of my own choosing!

Do not. question. my faith. in a future of my own choosing.
Just. Do. Not.

Therefore - NO.


I'll take my future, I'll take my belief, and faith, and hope, and screw you.
I am a realist.
Just in my world, this does not mean being an asshole pessimist.
It means helping and nourishing my own enthusiasm and the enthusiasm of others.
That TOO is realistic.
So f_ck you.

And THAT, my dears, is what I've been thinking.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

steady

The power of rocking steady.

I'm getting my bus at 10am tomorrow.

RIGA-TLN.

Next week is going to be so so interesting.

So many challenging things, so many new things. 

But I will tell you more once I reach my laptop.

For now, I'm watching Poirot in bed.

I sat in a rehearsal today, Wagner, which I don't usually like. 

I did today.

I'm mellow and relaxed and balanced, I think.

Have a really good evening.

Yours truly.

M.

plug

Life is not Sunday on a park bench.

I need to stop watching my life go by.
I need to stop watching it all go by.


This is going to ramble-y.


I'm not a child, and the world is not them.
All those situations that made me feel unnecessary, unimportant, powerless.
Basically for all intensive purposes invisible.
So I duplicate this in my life.
Like a magnet, I pull from the Universe the situations, the people who make me feel like that.
Like a magnet, a really strong magnet.
Cause we are, super strong magnets.
Who pull, and pull, and pull, and pull, and pull, and PULL.
Relentlessly pulling, until we die, and the magnet stops.
Unless we become a different magnet.
No matter what, the only thing we cannot stop doing, is pulling.
And I have pulled the things that make me feel unnecessary, and powerless.
We duplicate.
And I have and am making my life a very long list of situations and environments where I feel powerless and unimportant.
And I do this to myself, unknowingly, again and again.
And feel this again, and again, and again.
Someone choosing someone else, me not measuring up, not being enough, feeling like leftovers.

And if the plug isn't in the drain, it will run empty, forever, until you just stick the plug in.
(Or the water runs out, of course..)

And the necessary anti-bodies for this, the plug in this instance is the understanding.
Understand the situation, deconstruct it, see it for what it is.
And understand that my worth is not equal to the situation.
Or maybe it's not even about the worth at all?
Maybe it's just a choice.
Choose different, want something different.
Make a decision.
Very powerful things, those.

And then give yourself the situations in which you feel necessary, important, and in control.
Opposite of powerless, and definitely opposite of invisible.
Make the opposite the mantra.

And fill it all up again.
Plug in, and everything.

this_is_where_i_come_to_think


Plug.
Yours truly.
M.

like the old days

The Friday just gone was a glorious, glorious, glorious day.

Even the weather was nice.

So much good was sorted, and realised, both by me and her.
And then we decided to have some cake to celebrate.
Which we did.
And then we decided to go to the 100th season opening at the National Opera house.

Which we also did.

And it was great.


Just the atmosphere.
Black-tie and red carpet.
The people and the whole set-up.
And the gala concert itself was excellent standard.
And the whole thing just made me very happy.

And afterwards we took photos outside the opera house, and just, that's what I want.
I want to sing, and I want to learn how to use my own voice, so much better than I can at the moment.
And I want to be the dedicated student, I want to excel at studying.
And I want to learn all the parts, and sing to all the people.
And just ..make music.
I think that's the highest purpose I have.
I just need to not stand in my own way.
As do most of us.

And I want to just embrace all of it.
As me and for me and you know..
Not pretend or try to be something for someone else.
'Cause that never lasts.

I want to excel.


Then we had Vapiano pasta and prosecco (dressed as shown below).
And then I went and (roughly) doubledd the happy-ness.
So much so, that I couldn't sleep till 5.10AM.
Adrenaline-cat was at work.

Interesting times are ahead, my darlings.

As ever.
Yours truly.
M.

sell all the things

Tomorrow, Saturday, it's time for a huge huge vintage/2nd hand sale in Tallinn!
And Spanish and I have bought a table to get our hands wet with the buying and selling madness.

So currently my room is in a state unlike any other, because for the first time in 7 years I have all my clothes in the same place and out at the same time.
But I'm powering through!

Gotta wash, gotta dry, gotta pack 'em - and then I'm all ready for tomorrow!

First wash (whites) is on.
Next on the agenda is putting the to-keep items into boxes, which will stay in my room.
And the rest of the stuff into the suitcase and huge Ikea bag.
I'm thinking of making "spring/summer" and "autumn/winter" signs, so it's easier for the people to browse through.
I think that would help.
And we're also planning on getting some biscuits - I'd rather haggle eating biscuits, than not, y'know.

Getting this done will be a big thing for me.
It's been on the want-to-do list for so long, and it will mark another step towards the place I wish to get to.

And I will.

Website handy in English.
http://kirbufestival.telliskivi.eu/en/


Gosh, I want to get to the end of this.

Yours truly.
M.


(Doutzen forever in thr backdrop haha)

honestly, and gently

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.

Pema Chodron

This quote is absolutely sublime.
The meaning, and the wording.
This quote is simply sublime.

And I absolutely agree with this.
More than I can possibly explain.

Lately there have been two kinds of people around me, with a very clear difference:
Those who are willing to do this, those who are not.
The first kind are currently excelling and moving forward with their lives.
The latter however are stuck, really stuck in past patterns, and honestly just really moving backwards.

And exactly this has also been the central point and meaning of all my wonderings/wanderings as well, for the past 6 months.
I had got to a point in my life where I was on auto-pilot.
So now the question is - if I look at myself "honestly and gently" - what kind of a life do I want to live?
And the second crucial question that goes hand in hand with this one is - what kind of a person do I want to be?

To answer both of these I'll definitely write more than this one post, but this serves as a beginning of deciding something.

Upwards, and onwards, and towards new goals and things.
To live the life I want, and need, and deserve.

AND ALSO, wherever you are in your life, take the time to be proud of yourself for how far you have come and what exactly you have accomplished, ESPECIALLY with the little things.
Not the home-job-man-woman-dog-whatever cycle.
That's super boring.
But the little things that no one else knows to be proud of, but you know.
You know, that those are really the things that matter. the. most.
They make you you and they are your true trophies and diplomas.
So pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high-five or a handshake.

Because that is the stuff that matters.

With love.
M.

today.

Today.

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for. Take a yoga class. Make a vision board for your dreams. Clean your house. Dance. Forgive someone. Forgive yourself. Go for a swim. Sweat. Stretch. Smile. Pour your heart into everything you do. Love."

And that's all.
Just something.
And then do that tomorrow as well.

With love.
M.

annoying

Okay.
I'm gonna stop being a stroppy asshole of a leftover-teenage now. And get the fuck over it.
Or at least explain it.

So, the reason I'm so annoyed.

A lot of things are shifting right now and it's really confusing the f_ck out of me.
I'm the kind of person who likes keeping a finger on the pulse of things, in my life. Because I don't have a manager or a management to sort my things, I'm so involved with figuring out "where" things are going, what projects to undertake, how to do and what to do and who to do it with.
Which is all fine.
Point is.
A lot is changing, a lot is happening, a lot needs to be decided.

WHICH IS FINE.

But you know, when it's just so much at the same time.
And I'd like someone to tell me anything, just anything at all. Any advice as to how to do stuff.

So far this hasn't explained why I'm so angry at all..
I don't like being angry and not knowing why.
I'm angry cause I'm frustrated, I'm frustrated cause I can't know what stuff is going to be like in a month or so.
Tomorrow I'm gonna make a plan. Sing a concert.
And then after my final gig is done tomorrow, I'm going to remind myself of all the things that are awesome.
And get. some. clarity.

And it will all be fine.
M.

Cloud Atlas

"It consists of six nested stories that take the reader from the remote South Pacific in the nineteenth century to a distant, post-apocalyptic future."

Reincarnations of the same soul in different bodies, according to the writer. 
M.

nostalgia

I've found so many nostalgia-inducing articles lately. Pictures, old posts on old websites that I've forgotten, old cards, from old friends, messages.

Nostalgia.
Not a frequent visitor in my head and heart.
I know it fascinates A., but it's never really been my cup of tea.

And then in the last week I've been neck-deep in it.

Funny feeling, isn't it. Nostalgia.

It's cold outside today. M.