work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

gioia de vivere

Hey, guys!

So.
This Italian teacher is currently in Tallinn, and the past few days we've had crazy emotional lessons.
Yesterday I was so...under pressure, that I couldn't really sing.
The Italian pointed out that there's so much muscle tension and just control and pressure, that the voice doesn't sound free.
(Let's just tie this is with me not feeling free lately, in general...)

Anyhow.
So.
Today he basically said that he doesn't think I have a clear understanding of how to enjoy life.
And the problem, my dear darling friends, is I have to agree.

And this needs to be changed.

And the funniest thing is - it's so evident in my voice.
The weight of what I think and how I perceive myself and this life on this planet sounds in my voice - it simply "sits" too low. The placement needs to be higher. It's like......okay, take a balloon right? It's full of helium, but if you add a small bag of rocks to the string it cannot take off.
It simply cannot do what it is supposed to do.
And this is what it's like with my voice.
How fascinating that my job, my "work" is showing me how to live.
Giving me guidance.

So.
Gioia de vivere, joy of life.

And so I got to thinking about this.
What does this mean, what does it mean to really enjoy life?
I mean, number 1, no one can be happy ALL the time. It doesn't work like that. So "Be happy" is not what I should be thinking, that's stupid.
And then I got to thinking..
Earlier on I was in a rehearsal, and I wasn't feeling good. I was sad, and angry, and a little disappointed, so I said this to my Pianist (the biggest sweetheart on the planet). I said, I am sad, and angry, but we will have this rehearsal and it will be good.

And it was.

And all the time when I was there I didn't lie to myself, I didn't pressure myself into being less this or more this or whatever, less sad, more happy, I just...WAS.
Exactly what I was, felt what I felt, and experienced what I experienced.
No "keeping it together", no deceit, no faking of anything.

And you know what?
Something changed.
EVERYTHING BECAME EASY.
This honesty in being meant I didn't suffer anymore.
I was still sad, I was still angry - but I didn't suffer.

I just was what I was.

And all of it became Enjoyable.

Unforced, honest, raw and truthful.


And that's when I realised that for me, to enjoy life, all I have to do is not lie to myself.
And I think this will be true for a lot of people.
I can allow myself to have the complete and utter freedom to be and feel and experience exactly what I'm experiencing.
All necessary for growth.
BUT if I slap my wrist every time I feel something negative, chances are I'll never truly enjoy the process.
Isn't that what Enjoying Life is about?
The process.
You can't throw yourself off the cliff on bad days.
When life gives you lemons, you can still juggle with the goddamn lemons, and have a great time!!
THAT IS Gioia de Vivere, Joy of Life, Joy of Living.

Freedom.
Freedom to be, freedom to feel and experience.
And when you're having a bad day, say you're having a bad day!!!
When someone has hurt you, say someone has hurt me!!!
Don't wipe it under the carpet and pretend "you're happy" and that this feeling doesn't exist! How can you be free?

So that's me today.
I am currently sat on my sofa.
I'm tired, sad, and a little angry, but so what?!
I'm experiencing these things, and the sunshine is still warm, and stars still shine bright!
I'm sad, yes, but I'm also feeling the Joy of Living, and that is pretty awesome.

SO BE SAD, BE ANGRY, BE WHATEVER YOU ARE.
Just be honest to yourself!!!
And even in the darkest deepest sadness and despair, chocolate will STILL taste wonderful, art will STILL comfort your soul, your friends will STILL shine brighter than all the suns and moons, and life will STILL be marvellous!
JUST
STOP
LYING


Have fun with being free, I love love love you all.
Have fun being sad, have fun being lost, have fun being angry.

I know this sounds super odd, but it makes life easier, more fluid, forever in motion, and full of Joy.

Gioia de vivere, even when skies are gray.

Love, always.

M.