work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
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what...
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

52

52 days left of 2012.
fifty
two
days
a lot of days that is


These past couple of years and this one included are turning out to be big ones. Not anything particular, just personal developments of all kinds.

I realised I hadn't challenged myself in so long
(so that's why I'm now supplying challenges left, right, and centre.)
(...not really that many. just enough to get some inertia going)


mistakes.
making mistakes
and learning from mistakes
...mistakes are good.


Also. Like, "am I proud of myself", is an interesting question. 
So often the pride-o-meter is applied by us from an outside angle. I used to be terribly concerned with whether person A is proud of me, or person B, and so forth. 
This is fine.
But I mean, what about me? What about you? What about, "are we proud of ourselves"?


Pride. 
Pride is an interesting one.
Taking pride in what you do.
Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. (This is somewhat beside the point, just an interesting digression.)

Measuring myself according to my own scales of pride, not someone else's.



Failing, as well.
What is that about? This fear of failure b*llshit?
It is so common, but also, such a massive load of crap.
Failing at what? And why should anyone be scared?
(Please note that I'm talking here more about myself than anyone else.)
(And I'm also going to come back to this topic, soon.)
There's a thing, a way of working out, apparently, called "Failing".
So the point is, you do something until you physically "fail" - your body gives out.
You don't count.
You don't measure the distance.
You go till you fail.
You go till you go.
I'm not going to go into the physical benefits of this or the lack of, that's for other people to discuss who know much more about this, but.
The reason I find this interesting is that failing itself becomes a thing. A thing that is fine, all the time. Not THE thing you fear most.
You workout, till you fail. Only to workout again, to fail, again.
It sets up quite a healthy relationship with the term.
So, let's fail.
And then fail again.




so Yoga Neil and Mermaid A. will rave through the universe, only drinking shots, with REALLY great abs. 
drunk and fit. rowdy, a little slutty and SO MUCH FUN.

you will eat msg noodles and be great at tap and swimming and riding,

i will eat tubs upon tubs of icecream and i'll be good at yoga and kickboxing.

we will create fear and chaos in the heart of every swede and Adam Levine (RHYME HO) and it will be glorious.

Chaos and Mayhem, + abs.

52 days left.
Make
them
count.

i want sushi.
M.

pride and prejudice

He walked, to Longbourne, at dawn. He walked.

And I have absolutely nothing else to say about the matter at hand.

"I love, and love, and love you", M.

dignity

honour, and valour. and pride and justice. and love.

"It's good to feel something."
A.S.