work

Okay, expansion of the same themes.

*Warning: If you are growing tired of my personal what-looks-like-moaning, then please, this post is most probably not for you. Sorry.*

Singing.
For the past years, and this only applies to Estonia, I have starting getting serious work anxiety.
This does not apply to performing - when I'm on stage life is a daisy and I do what I do.
However, the pre-work period is hell.
My language skills of any language are not good enough for explaining to you just how unpleasant this is.
I'm talking constant underlying panic and genuinely just wanting to projectile vomit, mainly.
It's tiring, and idiotic, and I've grown SO TIRED of this crap.

And also, these options do not work: think less. stop worrying about it. let it go. just get over it. cheer up. calm down.
My simple answer to these is - f_ck you. This is not a solution.
Surely, I am intelligent enough to have figured any of these out myself.
Anyone who has ever had similar troubles of Da Mind will understand this well.
And anyone who hasn't, "just cheering up" is not an option.
Sadly.

Anyway.
I've got work stuff coming up, and this is so boring, so I thought I'd write about this.
And maybe I'll feel better and I could actually do my work prep without wanting to cry and die with a heart rate of 3000.

The thing is, I don't give myself credit for what I do.
And instead of understanding that people what to get in touch with me because they like me and like what I do, I feel like. Like.
Like it's a negative thing.
Instead of "YAYYY look at these amazing work e-mails and calls AWESOME, I am good at what I do YAY work YAY passion HELLO happy hormones!" my brain has SOMEHOW (!!!??) opted for the option of "NOOOOOOOOO why WHY! i'm going to die, they hate me, everyone, AGAIN these emails and things, i can't pick up the phone i can't i can't, i want to hide away in a hole so no one can see me".
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Truly, it bends my mind.
I am a clever girl, and this only emphasises the stark understanding of just how ridiculous all this is.


Hello, dear Brain.

I am a big fan of your work.
However.
Could we somehow solve this issue and could you somehow give my central nervous system the Happy command upon receiving contact from interesting, inspiring people who want to give me work because I am excellent at what I do and doing it gives me great joy.
Lay off the Panic button.
You might be drunk.
(If this is the case, go sleep it off, and resume duty.)

Yours truly.
The person for whom you should be working for.
THANXXXX.



I have got SO many excellent and super cool things coming up Jeeesuuussss and I am dying under the weight of my..(what?)..panic? fear of?
Blah blah.
Get over it, something.
I want to feel like a rainbow, not a pit of snake poison acid thunder blizzard hole.

This is my mission.
Or those of you who watch the New Hannibal: "This is my design".
(I LOVE this show.)
Or it WILL be my design once I kick this asshole out of my life.
This is what is preventing me from being Italian.
Italian's don't deal with this bullshit.
They enjoy, life and love and music, and wine and BEING.
La vita Italiana.


Seriously.

Well.
I feel much better.
I need to get all cognitive-behavioral-therapy on my own ass.
I am yet to figure out the exact actions, but I understand that this is how I'll kick it.

Yours truly.

Absolutely always.

M.

reading list

...from Rachel Brathen.
If you don't know her, go check her out.
http://www.rachelbrathen.com/

Anyway.
A super short reading list I plan to come back to after Finland and Midsommar.
Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks.
And also some Eckhart Tolle. I think this has been a long time coming.

I hope I get along well with these books.
I want some reading to really, really shake my brain.

And it's also time to update the blog appearance once more.
This always means a time to get back to writing and drawing and doing creative things a lot more.
Cause it annoys me to no end when I realise that I've been in a non-creative hole for a bit.

Oh, also, I realised the tour is starting soon so I want to start practising the piano, ready to utilise the grand pianos in the concert places.
So excited. For this.
Seriously.

And so here I am, downloading some music, drinking tea, and getting ready for my Fin-dventure a la Midsommar-madness.
Packing list also includes:
Swimsuit (for the forest lake YES)
Drawing pad (I need to sharpen dem pencils)
"Women who run with the wolves" (Recommend strongly)
And of course, in true Nordic style, mosquito repellent.

Have a super awesome weekend everyone.
I plan to return on Monday night having spent time drawing, swimming, breathing, meditating, probably skipping over some meadows, and just resting. Fingers crossed I get to row a boat. That would simply be nothing short of ideal.

So.
Not to underestimate the weekend ahead.
Not only is it the turning point in the year, and the seasons, plus it should also be some crazy moon situation, as I've heard.
Think good thoughts.
The shortest night of the year is so good for this.
And those Nordic ones reading this, go into a forest and see what's going on.
I mean, there's a reason our ancestors did that. Go find your luck and good fortune.
Spend some nature time. Get muddy and dewy and wet.

HAPPY SOLSTICE.
I'll leave you with Lana.

Peace.
M.

brain

So, brain.
No, seriously.
My subconscious has really very strongly got into a habit of late of doing it's dirty dirty washing as I sleep. Of course this happens to all of us that sometimes we have unresolved crap which then goes into the wonderful subconscious.
But I'm genuinely bored of this.

Stuff that I don't actively think about.
Stuff that shouldn't be a negative thing.
Stuff that I don't want to think about.
Stuff that just doesn't belong, anywhere.

But last night was a great night. K and M-L are in town from TRT for the weekend, and I was so truly super excited! And so very pleased.
Like, just so fresh and like, I don't even know.
Awesome-sauce tripled.
So much dancing, and so much super fun. Seriously.
I'm super grateful for this.

And tonight plans to carry on this vibe.
E and I are joining forces later, to see what comes out of that egg-shell this time around.

Go rest, brain.
M.

tactile

I like touching.
I think it's a nice idea to trace our lives with our fingertips.
Because truth is, our skin remembers.
And I think our skin has a slightly different memory than the one belonging to our brain. Yes, I know, technically they are all tied to the brain, but you know what I mean.
The skin remembers.
So trace and touch and enjoy the quiet and overwhelming whole-ness of touch.
This doesn't have to be sexual, though of course, that would have its perks.

But no, touching is simple. It's cotton fabrics, or sunny skin, or hot or cold or smooth or whatever, or moss or berries, or water, or sand, or pages of books or holding a pencil, or whatever. I mean, skin gets the point here, but over-all, everything is nice.
Tactile lives are so much richer I think. And sometimes when a whole wintertide has been spent wearing mittens I forget how divine it is to touch.

Tactile.
M.

brain

So many things in my head today.

Where do they fit?


And just how? How how how how how how how how how?


Tomorrow I shall go into London Town and look pretty. Potentially sunbathe in a park, and read a book, and eat a cinnamon swirl that I intend to buy from the Scandinavian kitchen. Because that is what life is about.

As ever, M.