tonight

You know what, I'm going to bed happy tonight.

Really, I just realised this hasn't happened in a while.
That it's 0:38 and I'm in bed and ..smiling!!
So cool!
Excellent.
I'm really really liking this.


Oh, AND, I MOVED!!!
The same flat I helped move E. into some time ago and now the Penthouse is mine! :)
I'm renting for a few months, I decided to spend my spring-summer with circus, ease and happiness.
Therefore, I moved.
And Pisces is joining me soon!!
We're gonna have 2+2Fish=4Fish joint affair for the summer months.

For those who didn't know - I'm also a Piscean.


And now I'm here, in bed.
I've got a window open and the birds are singing.
Why, crazy birds? It's just past midnight!
So I'm in bed, listening to birds singing.
Some candles are burning and I'm drinking coconut water.

I finished some programs today, for Thursday concerts.
Tomorrow I'm going for a walk in the morning, then seeing a run through of this new Donizetti production at the National.
Then dad has offered to get me some stuff I need for the flat - a kettle, a pan so I can cook something, and something to cover the sofa with.


And so, good night.
I'm gonna smile some more and go to sleep.

Yours truly.
Love, always.
M.

8/03

Hello, guys.

I didn't find my jumper today, and I got so annoyed.

Like, angry.

Part of this magic is that the flat is still up on the real estate website, and we're waiting for the buyer. 

So I still don't have proper storage space for my clothes. 

And today I got so inhumanly annoyed, and I really didn't enjoy it.

So.

Big clothes clear out coming up. 

I realized rummaging through everything today, looking for my jumper, that I don't like half of what I have and another 25% just either is too big too small or too something.

An easy deduction and voila - I actually want to keep a quarter of everything.

And this is just clothes.

Too much STUFF clouding my space.

Even if I don't have it in my immediate surroundings, it's still there.

The energy of too.many.things.

I once told my dad that I'll want space and order to surround me once I feel ordered on the inside.

And I guess we're here then..

Just this unstructured mess and disorder annoyed me so so much.

I never gave a crap about anything like that.

So yay! 

P for Progress.

With love.

M.

ability

It's quite odd.
How my ability to marvel, anything and everything, which I usually hold as my favourite characteristic about myself, just kind of disappears into the cracks in Tallinn.
God knows why.

It's getting REALLY BORING.

Maybe once I get a new flat.
And have a vinyl record player.
And I can play old recordings of Beethoven, and Rachmaninov, and Gershwin.
From that shop.
The shop we went to.
(..good god, I was happy)
Maybe when I have my own kitchen.
Where I can cook all the things I want to cook.
With my music.
And my books on a shelf.
The way I want them.
And my things.
My things in their places, and my order.
My scores, and learning the scores.
Painting, and drawing, and dancing, and laughing or crying.
Just BEING. Like I want to be.
And my cigarette breaks, on the window sill.
With really cold air.
My my my my my my.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
Mine.
Just unwatched, unmeasured, unassessed.
Unobserved.
Free to create through just being.

All of the things that I've seen this year:
All of the things that I've felt this year.
This has been quite the year.
I need to take it easy, so so easy.

I suck at seeing the larger context.
I just forget.
I really should keep that in mind.
The larger context.
Of everything.

How much change, and disappointment, and then growth, and Love can a person digest, without any side effects, in less than a year.


I'm a master of painting over and painting over and over, things with things.
Painting over, and deceit.


In other news, however, some hair colour inspiration.

Yours truly.
M.

Серге́й Васи́льевич Рахма́нинов

This day has just been "ugh"

It's been a fabulous-fabulous day really, from beginning to afternoon, then to the middle and the evening, to the very pleasant female-filled end.
Dad made some sweet food, then went and saw the fire-lights-candle-whatever show in one of the beautiful parks in Tallinn with some friends, and then ended up on M's sofa chatting, eating chocolate. I mean, sweet. A sweet day.
But there's still been so much "ugh" seeping out, from everywhere.

My head feels like Rachmaninov's 3rd piano concerto (which in itself is nothing new at all). No movements in particular, just all of it. From beginning to end. If by any chance anyone who will ever happen to read this will have listened to the whole thing, you can relate.
To those who haven't (and I recommend it soooo hard if you can stomach classical music, not all recordings are good though...), it is brilliant and great fun (if it can be called that), but it's intense. And somewhat, like, thick. Over-filled.
It is my absolute favourite piece of classical music or just music or anything ever, but I don't really fancy my own brain feeling like that, from cell to cell.

So that's where we're at.
I wish I had some aloe-vera juice which makes stuff so much better.
But I don't have any.

And I wish I would know a few things which I don't know at the moment, and can't really find out either.
Or maybe I could, but I'm just reluctant.

I want to game. My PS2 and Lara Croft would do.

And I want this flat so much I could actually weep. It is so perfect, for me. It's tiiiiiiiny. Tiny tiny tiny. But what else would I need? I only need a tiny amount of space.
And I don't want to post any pictures because that would only make it worse.
And I'd like to curl up there, in my one room of 26 sq m, and eat ice-cream. Estonian ice-cream. Jesus this is getting so so so
But I can't get it right now, and I really wish, really hope it will not be gone in a few months or so, when I could actually start looking at it properly, but. "ugh". You see? "ugh" crept in.

So.
I wrote a letter. Which in a perfect-hypothetical world would have a use. But in this one it doesn't.


There are so many good people, and I like that.
But I don't like unpredictable behaviour. I ♥ control, or whatever.
No, actually, I don't heart control. It's not control, it's just, with some things I prefer knowing where I stand.
The rest of it can go however it wants to go and three cheers and an absolute whatever to it.

Letters and Rachmaninov.
I ♥ my cat.
Head ööd.
M.

going, going, gone

I saw the MOST AMAZING thing yesterday.

I was flying home from Stockholm, and we were already flying across Estonia, when we got to some clouds. They were beautiful, some light, some rainy ones.
I looked down and I saw one of the best things I had ever seen in my life.

The sun must have been directly above the plane, because when I looked down I saw a perfect plane-shaped shadow. But the real amazing thing was - the sun was shining onto a rainy cloud, and therefore the plane shadow was surrounded by a perfectly spherical rainbow. And it moved with us. The shadow, and the spherical rainbow.
Perfect and round. It was just extraordinary.

I made a drawing of it, in Paint. Just to explain it a little better. I mean, it truly was, one of the best things I have ever seen. I think it almost felt like magic. And I felt like I was 5. And that too was a little, tiny tiny tiny little bit like magic.

(oh heavens, i LOVE Paint.)

Estonia looked so powerful.
Flat, stable. Really strong in its flatness, this ongoing strength. Just geographical royalty almost. So balanced. And humble. And so beautiful in all its quiet wisdom.
And you can really see it from above, that the land is still allowed to breath, and feel. Humans have not broken and torn the land, the look of the land.
It still feels something, really on its own accord. And that really was quite something. Just so pure. Seeing that.

Things happening, allowing things to happen. quite on their own.

Autumn's coming. I really looked forward to the last one, but not this one. This one is different. Summer's gone too quick and I'm not ready for the cold. And stuff dying. I would rather not. And I'm not really one of those people who can just enjoy the lovely aesthetic of autumn and the leaves and go "Aww". It is beautiful, but just not it.
Summer's over.

But spring will come soon. As it always does.

A's flat is lovely.
I want to nest.
I really do. So much.

Love, M.