1/04

Okay, so I'm trying this new thing.

And I present:
Working from home.



Basically, I have never been able to do this.
Home has never been a place for me where I can just calmly work (calm in terms of my inner feeling).
It's bizarre.
Working at home has made me so, jumpy is the word that comes to mind, and irritable.
And I'm really trying to change this pattern since town feels so loud.

I met the girls for lunch yesterday and stayed in the centre for about 5 hours.
(For comparison, I used to live in town, work in town, eat in town, town town town.)
So yesterday, I suddenly felt that it was too loud, too colourful, too busy, and TOO MUCH.
I came home and I realised how tired I felt, compared to how at peace I was at the fasting retreat.
This peace, birdsong, FRESH AIR, space to walk and move, grass and trees.
The things that make the world our world.
I felt like I had sat in a circus tent for hours - all this colour and movement.

So, back to my issue.
I wanna work.
If town is too loud, a simple deduction doesn't leave many options - home it is.

So I'm really gonna try this and untie this know that I have.

Work at home, since I can, and why not for now, you know? Just to come out of the post-fasting feeling of "too much".

So yep.
Home for now.
And so far, I'm sucking at working.


BUT.
This week following the fast is ALL ABOUT PATIENCE!!
This is realised yesterday.
The fasting itself takes so much patience, and now I'm back to the city-version of myself, the impatient, short-tempered one, who walks a little too fast, thinks a little too erratically.
So, coming out of fasting is the same - patience.
I want to live like that - patient.
I want to see myself like that - be patient.

That's all, happy Tuesday morning.
Peace out, all.

Love, always.
M.

soft

Hello, my darlings.

This is a post about "soft".


Right.
I don't know about you but I grew up thinking "soft" will never ever get you anywhere at allll in this life.
And then I grew.
Just became more and more, cold and rigid, and tank-like.
And I used to love this.
The worse it got, the "better" I thought it all was.
Ooooooooohh, look at meee, I'm like a tank.

Lo-and-behold, I turned 23 or something and realised none of this - and I mean, NONE of this - works.
Nor does it have any logic.

Tank.
Seriously.
What.
Why would that be a good thing.
How can anyone make music like that?
How can anyone love or make love like that?
How can anyone make art, or something new?
How could anyone create like that?

One word: ice-queen.



And yes, la-la-la, "invincible and Strong" and whatever.
Point is.

It's actually a living breathing walking suicide. 

And it's so addictive, as is everything, let's be honest here.
You do something enough times and it becomes second nature.
Pretty simple.
Repetition is the root-mother of every thing.
SIMPLE AS.
You do something enough, and BAM! you think it's "my character".
I've done it enough times.

It's the rule that makes nature wonderful and terrifying.

So repeat the RIGHT things.
RIGHT FOR YOU.
F*CK someone else's "rights" and "wrongs".
Pick and choose what you want to be, pick and choose what you want to be seen as.
Make your life.
Make YOURSELF.

God.
This is super to myself.
Screw them all.
This is what I think.
All of them.
And just make YourSelf.
Pick the people, embrace and love and keep the people who let you be You, and just don't expect anything more or anything less.
Just You, the You-est you and the You of YOUR own choosing.
Not someone's cat or Jesus Christ's grandma.
Just YOU.

Enough with the ice queen tendencies now.
I don't like people like that, why should I ever try to BE it myself.

I am the dreamer, the soft ripe giving thing, like spring and wet soil, y'know?
Muddy, dirty, bloody, like gawddamn Mother Earth.
So why, again, my favourite question of all existence, why would I then turn into ice, which is by its very definition the opposite of wet, warm and fertile?

And if we want to talk about strength, then what is actually stronger than the earth, the basis on which all of this motherfrikkin circus is standing on anyway.

So seriously.
I need to stop this infantile ridiculousness.
And just become the person I want to be.
And kick ass like that.
I don't know why this is taking so long....but hey. Patience after-all.

Patience.
Keep muddy, keep warm and keep wet.
Peace out, darlings.

Yours truly.M.

evening

So, today has been an interesting one.

Superb wintery weather.

Tomorrow is one for music things and singing things.

Right now I'm occupied with white wine and gherkins.

Trying to stay calm amidst everything that is happening right now.

Things are just moving very fast.

In a good way.

But very very fast.

I would like to have an evening at Spaniards, tomorrow. Sleep over with Pisces.

This weekend is going to be crazy busy. 

So I have to really stick with the girls, to keep grounded. 

Deed of the day: bought my cat a new scratching post.

He is so happy.

Work on ourselves, work on ourselves, work on oursves.

Till the cracks are gone.

And nothing leaks out.

This is the goal.

This is the aim and the mission for the near-future.

The true goal.

So let's get stuck in, deep and straight and true.

I send you Love, and Light.

It's time to work a little harder.

M.

Post interview today.

Smiling is nice.

 

ability

It's quite odd.
How my ability to marvel, anything and everything, which I usually hold as my favourite characteristic about myself, just kind of disappears into the cracks in Tallinn.
God knows why.

It's getting REALLY BORING.

Maybe once I get a new flat.
And have a vinyl record player.
And I can play old recordings of Beethoven, and Rachmaninov, and Gershwin.
From that shop.
The shop we went to.
(..good god, I was happy)
Maybe when I have my own kitchen.
Where I can cook all the things I want to cook.
With my music.
And my books on a shelf.
The way I want them.
And my things.
My things in their places, and my order.
My scores, and learning the scores.
Painting, and drawing, and dancing, and laughing or crying.
Just BEING. Like I want to be.
And my cigarette breaks, on the window sill.
With really cold air.
My my my my my my.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
Mine.
Just unwatched, unmeasured, unassessed.
Unobserved.
Free to create through just being.

All of the things that I've seen this year:
All of the things that I've felt this year.
This has been quite the year.
I need to take it easy, so so easy.

I suck at seeing the larger context.
I just forget.
I really should keep that in mind.
The larger context.
Of everything.

How much change, and disappointment, and then growth, and Love can a person digest, without any side effects, in less than a year.


I'm a master of painting over and painting over and over, things with things.
Painting over, and deceit.


In other news, however, some hair colour inspiration.

Yours truly.
M.

the Great

A friend of mine told me this story today.

This is a story about Alexander the Great.

Before his death, Alexander the Great asked his friends to place him in his casket with his hands by his sides, but his palms open, facing up, bare and showing.
His friends were confused at his request and asked him why he wanted his hands to be so exposed.

To which Alexander replied: "My friends, people from around the world will travel to see me before I am buried. I want them all to see that this is the man who owns the world, and yet he leaves with two empty hands."

(PS, I don't care whether this is true or not. Do not care.)
My friend went on to say, that this is how it is. All of this is borrowed. Throughout our lives, the houses, the cars, the everything. It's all borrowed. Because at the end of it all, we give it all back and then leave with two empty hands.
Even the man who had the entire world at his feet.

So don't sign your life away for a job you don't like, or values that are not yours, or to a whole life-time of doing things that do nothing for your soul.
Because at the end of it all, you cannot take any of this with you.

So why spend a lifetime chasing someone else's unicorns.

Yours truly.
M.

CHEERFUL

Whatever at all this moaning.
Jesus, girl, SHUT UP.

Concert number 5 was another sell-out.
And it was such a nice evening.
Then I came home to an awesome sunset.

Then walked to the foodshop, with Lana blasting away in my ear-holes. And bought some soy-everything and milk for the cat.
Oh and some rice-milk drink thing - which is SO DELICIOUS.
So here I am.

Here's one for cheerful.

Cat-milk.
M.

light the way

I must not forget this.



I don't believe in guardian angels really. Mum always has but they have never been my thing.
But many people along the way have said that I apparently have many.
As I said - it has never been my thing.

I now see it existed, for that reason.
As a guardian, to show me how exactly to carry on living my life.
Which is also why I saw the skies and the entire universe through it.
And myself, and my childhood, and the life I want.
The person I am, the person I could be, the person I do not wish to be.

And Love as I've imagined it.


Not to keep it this time, but to show me the way and path on which to carry on living my life.
Which is what I asked for.
Which is exactly what I asked for.
Direction and purpose.
For someone to show me the direction.

But I am only human so it has taken me this long to see it for what it was.
And as opposed to mourn the loss of something I thought I wanted to keep, I should rather be so grateful that I had this experience, this chance to shift my path.
To grow, and to change. Into someone a lot more like Me.

Because that's the greatest gift any one of us will ever receive.
And right now, I'm so grateful, it's stupendous.

And all this sense of loss or being deprived of something has gone, and all that remains is just gratitude, for having been given the chance to grow like that.
To have this reminder.
To have this sign-post.

It was never mine to keep, but it appeared to show me the direction.
Like in the folk tales.


And I have the Kaleidoscope to keep.
M.

paradise lost

Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.

Mantra.

I must not forget this.
Because everything that's happening at the moment is absolutely and I mean ABSOLUTELY following this pattern.

Everything.

Like, e-v'ry-thing.

"The things that are not right simply will not remain in your life. The Universe will not give them the chance."

So they will simply

....disappear.
Into nothing.

And that is good, in the end.
Just bare with Pluto till it's finished doing its thing.

And so just let them go.
This is the physicalisation of my "don't play god" project.
Just let these things go. Don't fight the ebb and flow.
Because we don't know anything anyway.
Trust life, trust the Universe.
Don't play god.
It's cocky and stupid.

And even if it's the very-very things that we want to keep so much and just breathe them in and press them against our cheek and our body, so tight, we cannot.
We can't keep those things.
If they go, they go.

Universe knows better.

It really, truly does.

So may we have the faith and belief and trust to go with it.

Peace and love, kids, peace and love.
M.

this

THIS
SONG

This serves as a reminder: I want/need to get my next tattoo done.

With love.
M.

lazy yogi

There's this guy on tumblr, calls himself the Lazy Yogi.
And he dishes out some wisdom alright.
His website is really good, too.
http://lazyyogi.org/

This was a response written to some babe, but there's a lot of clever stuff in there which applies to many many people I know.

Hope you are all going to have a peaceful Monday.
M.

Before you open up to others again, open up to yourself. It sounds as if you are still carrying around past pain. 

Instead of dwelling on and reliving how things went in the past, take your attention deeply into this moment. What traces of the past do you bring with you into the here and now?

You don’t need to fight it or change it but rather to become abundantly clear and aware of it. Then you can see it for what it is: past thoughts you are continuing to react to. If you continue to react to a past which no longer exists, there will be no end to your pain. 

Time erases the past on its own and you will move on, but you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Awareness practices such as the one I describe above in combination with daily meditation will help you to let go. 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The more you close yourself off, the more you will feel isolated. It is to your own benefit that you remain open and loving, of anything be it a flower or a puppy or another human. 

Just because things played out one way in the past doesn’t mean you should assume it will be so forever into the future. Although it may be worth re-examining the kinds of boyfriends you feel attracted to and why. 

Namaste :)

where to?

No one knows
and that's okay.

Ok.
M.

don't die at 25

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

—	Benjamin Franklin

This quote, is so true.
This happens (and happens visibly) so much.
You notice people around you, not growing anymore.
And this is me deciding, I won't do that.
I refuse to be safe, or choose safe.
I refuse to die this young.
This period of time is for choosing brave and showing some frikkin' courage.
I want to keep the trust of a child, for a long long time.
And the courage to go head first.
And to keep looking, for the thing that makes me happiest, in this world.
And believe that true love exists.
And fall in love with everything, all the time, every day, with no questions asked and no boundaries.
And eat ice-cream.
And run around.
Because when did having fun stop being a normality.

I won't die at 25.
I won't die at 35, or 45, or anything-5.

I will carry on developing, and seeing, and seeking.
And marveling.
And wondering and wandering.
And seeing magic everywhere.
Because otherwise there is no point.

With all the love I hold.
M.

out

Rainy-cat is going out.
In floral wellies.
And what.

Also, it genuinely looks like my webcam is dying.
I mean, what resolution is that.

But wellies make EVERYTHING awesome.

Rainy days.
M.

kaleidoscope eyes

I really, really like losing track of time with someone.

Completely.

I mean, so much.
This track below, Time by Pachanga boys, I mean, if you have 15 minutes of time to give your ears, head, heart and soul something pretty amazing, listen to it.

Losing

track

of

time

Yesterday was amazing.

Kaleidoscope eyes, baby.
M.

don't get greedy, kid

It is interesting how even the most seemingly positive things can draw out some negative patterns.
To be more exact.

This past week was absolutely spectacular.
I don't know what exactly I decided and when, but paired with Tuesday night, when I actually realised how ridiculously hindering my thought patterns were, something shifted.
And I was sliding on that wave for about 72 marvellous hours, when it was nothing short of audible how things were just somehow falling into place.
Sounds super, right?

It is, and was.
However.
An interesting side effect is that this gets almost addictive.
And so I decided to take a few days to calm down and prepare for the beginning of the week.
But I don't know. Now it's just a bit off.
Like, I got so used to "people" that now I'm a little --what? A little something.

So, in conclusion.
Don't be greedy, kid.

I suck at balance.
Always have.
And this same go-go-go-go-more-more-more-more-more-more-MORE-NOW thing got me to the point where I was in October, i.e. didn't want to do anything, at all.
This dance with everything and nothing.

Balance.
All of this is just a balancing act.
And what do you do if you don't know how to do something?
LEARN.

So I shall learn balance.

Greedy, greedy child.
M.

noisy

Self-explanatory.

Look at some trees, look at some clouds.
Spring is coming, so ground yourself in whatever makes you feel peaceful.

I'm planning everything on Monday.
And that's my plan for now.

Noisy-noisy.
M.

daily reminder

Just a little daily reminder.
Especially now that spring is coming, and the air is so different and fresh and new.

It's so tempting to run with the spring madness, which of course I plan to do, but sometimes it's nicer to stop and breathe.

Happy Saturday!

Always.
M.

this tree

Under this tree everything would be solved. 

Find yourself a tree.
M.

perspective

This is like the best thing known to mankind.

I would and could sit in a rehearsal room till I die. It is my ideal atmosphere. Not performances, the rehearsals. The space, the physical space for rehearsals.

There is something unbelievably great about sitting in a rehearsal room. To sit in the space where things are going to happen.
Music or drama or whatever. Theatre, or singing, or writing, or dancing.

 

It is all about perspective, M.