freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

STOP

Comparison is so boring.

Just saying.
Just saying.

99% of us do it. Why?
Seriously - to what logical, reasonable, or useful end?
It has none.
Like, none whatsoever, none at all.

So why?
Why torture yourself with the how much, how little, how big, how small, how tall, how smart, how blonde, how brunette, how rich, how poor, how emotional, how loud, how flexible, how multi-lingual, or whatever anyone is.
This who-has-less-who-has-more crap is so stupid.
It's useless and will never, ever, until the end of the burning Sun give any useful outcomes.
Ever.

So as opposed to listing all the things you are not (and in some cases can never be, ie. born Chinese, or have legs that are 10 inches longer, or be double-jointed, etc.), focus on what you are, and all the AMAZING things you can do with all of it.
(You don't lack, anything.)

And I should really do that too.

Trust the process.
Yours truly.
M.

Samsara

For the purpose of lacking the human vocabulary, all I'm gonna say is - just watch it, please.
And watch Baraka, the previous one, for that matter as well.

Samsara meaning "continuous flow", is the repeating cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth (reincarnation) within Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Yoga and Taoism.

Thank you, Ron Fricke.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today.

Oh, today.
What shall we do with you.

I mean, either I'm weird, or this is some sunshine disorder, or whatever.
Yesterday I was so full of everything, life and energy and desire to do stuff, mainly.
None of which is here today.
And neither is the sunshine.

Actually, the sun was so lush yesterday, I caught a bit of a face-tan.
I mean, mega.

But today is not yesterday.
Today is gray and real quiet, and a little somber.
A somber Friday.
I do have quite a lot to do, but somber-ness and me don't make for a very good working combo.
Besides, Place beyond the pines (yesterday) really put me in a little hole.
I think I'm partially still in it.

But no, today has potential to be very very excellent indeed.
So let's turn this around, very soon, and properly.

I think this is the biggest thing that has changed.
I used to think that I can't and therefore didn't want to change my "bad" days.
But that is so different now.
I don't enjoy this anymore, at all.

Which means I have a choice.

And today, I choose to have a "good" day. No, really, a good day.
And see the people who want to see me, and I want to see.
Do the things I need to do.
Do the things I can do, and want to do.
And live a little you know.

I choose.
M.