forever

I wrote this draft a forever ago.

And now's the time to complete it.

tank and water spirit
what do both want
how do both get their goals
what are both rooted in

i want to be held, and loved.
but its easier to be a tank cause then i dont make myself vulnerable.

i am gentle.
very strong, but gentle

tank and water spirit.
women need fluidity.
they are the water, and the energy, and the flow.

So, that.

I don't think I see myself as a tank at all anymore.

I once thought this impossible.

I feel gentle. And soft.

Obviously fragile due to this, which is still taking a lot of getting used to.

But I am water, not a tank now.

And this for me is something worthy of my Quarter Century that's coming up.

It is something to which I can say I am proud of myself, and what I've accomplished within myself.

It still comes with the Lows, but I think I'm getting somewhere. 

A heart that never hardens.

That's what I want to have.

Forever soft, forever strong.

With love, always.

M.

 

what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

mood board

Also, where in the 7 heavens is my mood board?
That A. and I started making in AUGUST?

Pro
cras
ti
na
tion

na
tion


No.
Refuse.
Refusal.
I mean, REALLLLYYY.

Do the things you need to, now.
Do the things you want to, now.
Do the things you are thinking of, now.

Now-now.
Yours truly.
M.

like the old days

The Friday just gone was a glorious, glorious, glorious day.

Even the weather was nice.

So much good was sorted, and realised, both by me and her.
And then we decided to have some cake to celebrate.
Which we did.
And then we decided to go to the 100th season opening at the National Opera house.

Which we also did.

And it was great.


Just the atmosphere.
Black-tie and red carpet.
The people and the whole set-up.
And the gala concert itself was excellent standard.
And the whole thing just made me very happy.

And afterwards we took photos outside the opera house, and just, that's what I want.
I want to sing, and I want to learn how to use my own voice, so much better than I can at the moment.
And I want to be the dedicated student, I want to excel at studying.
And I want to learn all the parts, and sing to all the people.
And just ..make music.
I think that's the highest purpose I have.
I just need to not stand in my own way.
As do most of us.

And I want to just embrace all of it.
As me and for me and you know..
Not pretend or try to be something for someone else.
'Cause that never lasts.

I want to excel.


Then we had Vapiano pasta and prosecco (dressed as shown below).
And then I went and (roughly) doubledd the happy-ness.
So much so, that I couldn't sleep till 5.10AM.
Adrenaline-cat was at work.

Interesting times are ahead, my darlings.

As ever.
Yours truly.
M.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

friends

This is just the period of time when I guess the lesson is to learn who my friends are.
The ones I can really really lean on, if necessary.
And just in general, what do I have.

And I mean, yes, it's hard, understanding just how little solid ground we are all actually on.
But isn't that what I bargained for?
A quarterly life assessment?
So I got what I wanted.

It's just hard.
Not starting to feel lonely, and whatever.
But.
This is for a goal! This is what I need to keep in mind.
This is what I wanted.
A new, solid solid beginning, new foundations.

These are the roots.
These are the roots, and the foundations, and the beginnings of the rest of my life.

With love.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today.

Oh, today.
What shall we do with you.

I mean, either I'm weird, or this is some sunshine disorder, or whatever.
Yesterday I was so full of everything, life and energy and desire to do stuff, mainly.
None of which is here today.
And neither is the sunshine.

Actually, the sun was so lush yesterday, I caught a bit of a face-tan.
I mean, mega.

But today is not yesterday.
Today is gray and real quiet, and a little somber.
A somber Friday.
I do have quite a lot to do, but somber-ness and me don't make for a very good working combo.
Besides, Place beyond the pines (yesterday) really put me in a little hole.
I think I'm partially still in it.

But no, today has potential to be very very excellent indeed.
So let's turn this around, very soon, and properly.

I think this is the biggest thing that has changed.
I used to think that I can't and therefore didn't want to change my "bad" days.
But that is so different now.
I don't enjoy this anymore, at all.

Which means I have a choice.

And today, I choose to have a "good" day. No, really, a good day.
And see the people who want to see me, and I want to see.
Do the things I need to do.
Do the things I can do, and want to do.
And live a little you know.

I choose.
M.

as you are

Come 
as you are.
as you were.
As you want to be.

I don't know and maybe never will know why these words mean so much to me.
Or what they mean exactly.
But hey, maybe I won't know and don't need to know.
Bottomline is they really mean something.
Really mean something to me.

So hey.
Whatever.

Come as you are.
And I will always accept you and not judge you and love you like you are.
Come as you are, as you were.
Come as you want to be.
I don't want you to be anything, I just want you to be.
So come as you are.
And I'll take you in, just the way you want to be.

Come
as
you
are.

Always.
M.

taste

The taste that your lips allow.

What a funny life.
M.

what i want.

As if we had wings.
M.

back

Hello, sweets, I'm baack!

Back from some super springtime travels.
Which were super.

Just, I'm not feeling this vibe, you know. As in, I'm not feeling any vibe at the moment, to be honest.
I don't really know what this is, but honestly, I have to get to the bottom of this because it's like eating me inside out. Not very pleasant.
Especially after 5 awesome days in STHLM which the most brilliant spring weather.

I don't know whether this is growing pains (http://marriiialistra.blogspot.com/2012/11/november-is-nearly-finished_5928.html) or what? If it's growing pains, I'll take it, embrace it and run with it. If it's something else, I'm confused.
This better be the end of Mercury being in Retrograde.

And now E just changed the GAME!
So my crap-est day of this year so far (I kid you not) will now end at her penthouse heaven, with a 6-pack of Corona beers, 2 limes, tortilla chips and garlic dip, and Macdo. YES.
I mean, YES. If in doubt, get this plan out!
I mean, life saving SWAT-team, 1-2-3.

And now, it's magically midnight. And the day is officially over.
I started this post this morning, and I've successfully made it through this day. With no fights, no bleeding or broken bones, no loans or car crashes or anything, or unnecessary questions.
So pleased.

E. has gone to sleep and I'm all tucked it, writing.
I feel so relaxed that it's almost divine.
And so, once again, the saying comes to mind that "everything passes". At the times when everything is exceptionally good, this is a hard thing to think about. However, under the opposite circumstances, this is nice and balmy.

So, as I said, I'm back.
I'm back from my travels and I'm going to hold on to my STHLM energy with teeth and nails and not let it slip away into nothing. I want it and I need it and I deserve it and I owe it to myself.
Armed with this I could get stuff done, and that is what I want.

My STHLM adventures and photos coming soon.

I truly hope you've had a more peaceful time with the old Mercury.

With love.
M.


Something from A. to bring cheer to my day.

theatre

jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus


I want to have my hands and forearms elbow-deep in theatre.

Elbow
Deep

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
M.

bare bones

I don't like Rihanna's image and I don't like the vast majority of her music.
This, however, is not in that category, at all.
On the contrary.

I threw my hands in the air I said show me something

Something in the way you move.
M.

va-va-voom!

If you want it, I'm gonna be Va-Va-Voom.
I like "too much".

M.

i want my hat back

say my name

At some point in my life, I want someone to throw a ball, for me. (By ball, I do not mean a basket ball. I mean, a ball, a dance, a party. Could be a masquerade. That would be so much fun.)
I don't really mind the occasion, I don't think there has to be a big occasion for people to want to throw dances and dance with masks on.

And a waltz, in itself. Such a brilliantly ominous and/or seductive form. (And i think it often doesn't get the credit it deserves.) I would like to waltz. But to good waltzes, I shall post some later, not the flippant kind. This doesn't mean flippant isn't good, just it could be so much better in my books.

Devil's ball.
M.

♎

A perpetual search for balance.

Maybe that's the reason why?M.