life

It's 0:26 right now, I'm in bed watching Twin Peaks, feeling like crap.

My voice is gone.

Why.

God this annoys me.

Something is clearly lurking somewhere and I can't find it.

Something is clearly troubling me, and it's showing in my voice.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Concerts coming soon. 

Where is excitement.

Upwards and onwards.

I do love you all.

With love.

M.

last year

I just revisited the writings pre-moving and also today, one year ago.


And this was quite the experience!Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it was this emotional.

I mean, pre-moving I was terrified! I was absolutely petrified out of my mind.
I can so clearly tell just by the way I was writing, I was just somewhere else. Eyes pressed shut, so I wouldn't feel anything, not feel the fear, feel the uncertainty.
Wow...
I don't remember the feelings at all so I'm grateful to have the writings.


Today a year ago I was back home, and had been home for almost 2 months.
I wrote about finding balance, and surrounding yourself with the "right" people - the people who fan your flame and give you courage to fight your battles and take your chances.
A lot of which I was talking about I have accomplished, tenfold.
Some of which I was talking about - I am yet to do.

But I'm just.......truly shocked at how much more aware I am.
Of life, of the sensory and the mental, the spiritual and the aural. All of it.
I was just, under a layer of polyurethane foam (I'll add a photo).
Just, a non-feeling, non-honest entity.
And to think I was torturing my brain asking why the singing won't go like I feel it could have gone?
Well that is exactly the answer.
God, I would just like to give myself-a-year-ago a HUGE HUG!


This just goes to show that whatever you think that there is or is not in your life, things can change so so so very dramatically, for the better.

If you only have the courage to follow your heart, and accept the challenges.


We can choose, we can take the time to MAKE UP our minds!
There is no rush, there is only an opportunity to grow and develop.
Don't be scared, you will always have someone to cheer for you!
Just make up your mind, honest and loud and brave!
You can lie to anyone, just please not yourself.


Take time and realise that all choices are yours.


I love, and love, and love you.
Times are getting interesting.
I will fight for what I want, I will fight for what is mine.
I will fight my own voices telling me "I can't" or "I'm not good enough".
I will fight them and I will win.


But I will NOT settle.


Yours truly.
M.

Polyurethane foam, a photo.



And what I looked like then.
Exactly a year ago.

freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

forza vitale

Hey, guys!

For starters, can I just say. Thank you for reading.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
My ins and outs, and seeing where this leads.
Tutto è amore.


(PS. I think it's time soon to complete some more blog-post-drafts.)

So.
I took my own advice and started filling this new found space (discussed in the previous post) with forza vitale.

Number 1 was Bellini.
Bellini is this brilliant Italian opera composer, was alive and kicking early 19th century.
And he has written this opera about this sleepwalking girl.
And I was rinsing my brain with this BRILLIANT aria from this opera on Friday.
And it helped eeeeverything.

Number 2.
Then, I got my hair done.
It's now the rust colour I was after.

Number 3.
And then Pisces picked me up last night and took me to see this woman who makes jewellery of semi-precious stones and crystals.
I had a concrete plan of just going.
Trusting my intuition and seeing which stone I find.
Just hearing what calls to me.

And so - there were loads of bracelets and necklaces and so forth.
Nothing.
No connections to anything.
Then I saw this wall with pendants.
So this was Call no1.
And as I started browsing I saw my stone - Call no2 - quite seriously.

I don't think I've ever had a moment like that, I just felt this energy.
I know I talk a whole bunch about all this, the energies and universe and so forth, but I had never even thought this possible with y'know..a rock.
But seriously, I was blushing my head off, so so much energy, and heat.
It just matched.

And so, I bought it, it's mine, it belongs with me.
The crystal is called Aqua Aura and apparently it is super intense.
The lovely woman-babe who makes these beauuutiful pendants and bracelets did say that I should only take this with me if I am "ready".
Ready to accept and embrace everything that will come my way, learn further, develop further, see more, hear more, trust more, love more openly and freely, restrict myself less, no boundaries, just following my soul, my freedom, my Heart and my own truth.

So I said yes, I'm ready.
Let's do this.

You know, I JUSTTT wrote about this in the previous post.
The space that Acceptance left.
And this crystal (photo below) just brings this all together.
Nature does not deal in empty space, I always say this.
Empty space gets filled with something.
And if we get to it quick enough, we can fill the gaps in our lives ourselves.
When the departure of something creates vacuum, just give it something, one push, apply the substance and it will be sucked in.
The vacuum pulls it in.

If we ignore this, the vacuum will suck in something anyway, but most probably unnecessary, or toxic, or and old pattern.
Help yourself.
I am helping myself with Italian, and more opera, and new hair, and new thoughts, and ....there's plenty space for something else.
Actually the woman yesterday suggested drawing.
Funny that, it's something I always forget even though I adore it.
Dancing.
Yoga?
A big big clean.
Out with the old energy, to further create more space, more vacuum.

And never to forget that everything, every single thing, every single pain and hurt and loss and emotion is a Teacher.
We learn something from every turn, we learn something from every experience.
The soul never loses, it only gains.

Tutto è amore.
Love, always.

Yours truly.
M.

the self

So the thing is.
Most of us grow up and end up compensating for some unfulfilled need or desire throughout our adult life.

The majority of what's missing can be summed up, I think, as an unbalanced relationship with the understanding of our own value, or something that is also known as "self-love".
I've found that people very often have an almost defensive reaction when someone mentions the notion of loving ourselves.
As if it's wrong, or faulty.
As if we shouldn't.

The truth is we need it.
I mean, it's just the way it is.
If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will.
Without loving ourselves, the chances of finding someone who truly loves us are slim.
Truly slim.
I've yet to meet someone who would prove me wrong on this one.
(If you do know someone, please tell me the story. I would love-love to know.)

So.
For those who don't speak Estonian, I'm truly sorry for the lack of translating.

But the bottomline is.
Compare yourself to yourself, the rest is empty and meaningless.

Build yourself stronger, because if we're honest, it's the only place we will ever find refuge.

Yours truly.
M.


These are taken and edited from www.alkeemia.ee 

Piisavas enesearmastuses elav inimene:

•    adekvaatne enesehinnang
•    ennast väärtustav
•    on võtnud 100%vastutuse oma elu eest
•    usub enda võimetesse ja vajalikkusesse
•    langetab otsuseid armastuse, usalduse ja rahu pinnalt
•    maailma suhtes avatud meeltega
•    tunnetab oma tegevuse väärtust ise
•    vaimselt ja füüsiliselt terve, positiivsust kiirgav, energiat andev
•    tunnetab armastust endas ja kiirgab seda
•    on ennast kehtestav
•    on orienteeritud koostööle
•    tajub ressursside paljusust ja tõmbab enda ellu kõik vajaliku

Kui olete seda tüüpi, et teil on just raske asju lõpule viia, siis loobuge meelelahutusest seni, kuni teete asja lõpuni-esitate ära-annate üle ja teadvustage eneses see tunne, kui saite tehtu valmis enne tähtaega, õigeks ajaks või saite positiivse tagasiside osaliseks.

Hakake end võrdlema endaga mitte teistega.
Kas te olete täna armastavam, hellem, mõistvam kui olite aasta tagasi?
Kas mõistate oma sõnade, tegude, suhtumise tagajärgi endale ja teistele täna selgemalt kui aasta tagasi?

Kas teete iga päev midagi väikest, mis näitab, et oskate ennast hoida – leiate aega korralikuks lõunaks, sööte tervislikku toitu, kannate õiget rõivastenumbrit ja teile sobivat stiili, kas väljendate nii oma sõnas kui mõttes tänulikkust selle kõige eest, mis Teie elus täna võrreldes eilsega paremini on?

Kui hakkate tegelema teiste inimeste asemel endaga, võite märgata peatselt kolme olulist muutust –
- teie enesetunne hakkab tõusma
- teie tervis muutub paremaks
- teie suhete kvaliteet muutub rahuldustpakkuvamaks.

See kõik tekib hetkest, mil te otsustate, et Teie ise olete oma elu peaosas, võimeline selle kõiki aspekte soovi korral muutma ning õpite nautima oma elu ilusaks loomise vastutust, millega kaasenevad suurenenud vabaduse-, õnne- ja rahutunne.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

home comforts

This and this.

Since two-thirds of the summer are over, there's a part of me that already has an eye on the coming of autumn.
It is forever on my mind.
Time for home comforts.



Another thing I found was this.
I really want a wall like this.
My homage to sea, which I love, all quiet, terrible and utterly free.
It is where I'm most at peace.



I feel really ..un-ordered.
In my thoughts.
Like, old baggage.
Leftovers.
But, nothing that pen and paper can't handle.

Work to be done.
M.

pure and free

“Remember that attachment is ignorance.
In reality, nothing is attached.
Everything is freely flowing and changing.
Attachment is purely a mental/emotional phenomenon.
It makes insecurity and fear possible.”

http://lazyyogi.org/

out out, anyone?

So, here I was.
On the trolly bus, on my way home. Thinking of the quiet Friday night ahead, spent analysing the poems that the tour-songs are based on.
All no-make-up, dirty hair, random flip-flops, having spent the day with the Spanish one, dumplings and sunshine.

So, as I said, here I was.
And lo-and-behold, one of my homies sends me a message saying that she absolutely wants to go out and no one's taking the bait.
To which my answer was: "Have I ever said "no" to you, my dear?"

I've now done my hair, my face, and I just need to get dressed.

THIS IS SO GOOD, let's be honest.

Why? you may ask.
Well, that's because the next time I have a free weekend the calendar says "3rd of August, 2013".

That's why.

So off I go, to Yolo- and Humourland.

Peace.
M.

b r e a k

Spring is here, it's official.
And with the arrival of actual spring comes the arrival of my need for interesting things, or new things, or whatever. Something to touch me and change me and entice me and so forth.
To shift, and shape, and just CHANGE, thanks.

Spring is prime time for the restless souls amongst us.
It gives comfort, whilst creating more of the restlessness.
Double combo.
But it's nice. (what a hideous word)
It's a time when being restless is okay.
Truly okay.
And settling has been forgotten for the season.
That is simply not an option.

No one asks nature if it wants to stay the same. It is not an option.
Spring just happens, and does its thing.
Perfect time for the restless to relish.

Actually, ..I've just thought of this.
Maybe that's why spring has always, always, always been my favourite season.
Not even my "favourite season" just, The Time to Exist, you know?
It's not about a favourite, not about preference.
It
just
is

And this is why autumn always makes me..twitchy.
Because the time for things to stop and freeze is coming.
The stagnation season.
It does horrible things to my insides.

But for now.
This is not the thing.
Spring is the thing.
And I get immense comfort from the true arrival of this Time.
The unstoppable melting, and breaking out, and the energy and the boundless freedom of changing.

b r e a k.
M.

the yes-cat

I think the Yes-cat just agrees with everything.
But like, in a fun way.
Like, look at his face.
Any idea you'll throw at him, he will do it and love it.
Adventure-cat.
Now THIS is the face of adventure-cat!

I wanna be the Yes-cat.
M.

are you a noun?

Or are you a verb?

Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.
- Stephen Fry

So, therefore - are you a noun, or are you a verb?

I absolutely agree with this.
I said to A. some time ago that I was finding saying "I'm a singer" really very problematic for some reason.

I much prefer.
i sing
i write
i observe
i teach
i dance
i act
i draw

i travel
i adventure
i see
i laugh
i make mayhem
i cut hair

Whatever.

Be verbs.
M.

what i want.

As if we had wings.
M.

cleanse

i am going to cleanse my space
which is what i'm currently doing

This was never ever a priority (I think I've mentioned this before). (I'm pretty sure I have, actually.)
But now because I feel that my mind's so much clearer and less cluttered I actually feel that I want the space around me to echo that.
So all of my hands on deck for this mission.

Cleanse.
M.

gypsy

I think in my heart I'm just a massive gypsy who is meant to sing and dance, drink wine, and travel the world.
This would also make sense in terms of my hatred for moving and getting settled in places. Travelling and roaming and adventuring, fine. So, so fine.
So I'm going to embrace my inner gypsy now, somehow.
I'll keep you posted, of course, as ever.

Run towards freedom as opposed to chasing all the restrictions and structures. And whatever, "proper" social conduct. Life's too short and the world's too colourful to be shoving yourself into the wrong shapes.

And besides, Maria is quite a good gypsy name as well, I think.

Cause I mean, why not, you know?
M.

(And I just really like Shakira.)

return

I wonder how long it's going to take me to catch up with myself.

As in, I'm here now! In Tallinn. Or like, physically in Tallinn but honestly my head is all over the place at the moment.
I've been back for 4 days now and they've gone by very suddenly and with little or no awareness at all really, of anything.
Hey ho, I needed to sleep which I did.
But I'm getting a little restless.
So very soon I'm going to do..something.

I think I'm going to clean my space first. Make sure that the room I have in Tallinn for my use is airy and clean and ordered and mine.
I never used to enjoy a clean space because I think my head was so cluttered. But now that I've done quite a lot of work on what is what, and why and where and who, and there's so much more clarity, I really feel like I need to be in it, need to have it around me.
So I think that's number 1 on the list.

...I haven't got to number 2 yet.

However, here is something I do know.
I've said this to my friends before - why wait till much later on to go through with what is known as "the midlife crisis"?
(Yes, I know not everyone goes through this. And I'm happy for these people.)
What does this even mean?
What this usually implies is people going through some quite dramatic and highly emotional times which more often than not ends up in them re-evaluating and/or questioning their life, purpose, meaning, et cetera, add whatever else.

So my question is - why wait till then? 
If you feel that something I just not right, or just not clicking, PLEASE, DO NOT WAIT.
Sort it now, look at this today.
The sooner you shift what's misplaced and mend what's broken or discover what's lost and so on the better. Because these things do not just vanish and go away, they usually get stronger, even when hidden, and therefore harder to change or let go of.
Think of weeds. I'd rather get them out today than wait till they've stuck their roots really deep under all the nice patio tiles, ya know.

So, whatever it is, please, please have the courage to look it in the eye and see it for what it is.
It could be something small and rather simple.
If it's not, don't be afraid to ask for help. (I really recommend good, loyal friends. Love my parents as I do, they are just too involved.)

Don't look away from what you could be at your free-est. 
And close your eyes and imagine how good it would feel.
This is not about living on a beach or not having a job or eating chocolate cake every day, this is about you being the most you.
I don't yet know, I can but imagine, but it's about a thousand-fold better compared to where I was before, following a path, not knowing who's it is or why or what or where or HUH?
Where is the sense of waiting till I'm older if I can change this now, and take responsibility for my choices?
Makes
No
Sense

So.
Please, give yourself a chance to be the you-est you.
Some things end and their time runs out, so let them go.
Don't hang on if you know in the pit of your stomach or back of your mind it is really over and finished and outlived its natural life.

Spring is coming.
Have some serious courage, breathe deep and go be YOU - whatever that may mean, to you.

With love.
M.

the one to set you free

The amount of love I have for this tune is crazy.
M.

I could be the one to make you feel that wayI could be the one to set you free

l'été

And as usual, I miss the summer.
But it's coming.

Slowly, but surely, it will come.
M.

raging nights and sun-kissed mornings

a literary cat is free

a literary cat is free


May this quote, for ever, offer everything and anything that the recipient needs.
He who seeks shall find.
And be an infinite source of universal knowledge and the purest of all truths.
It's just one of those.

I mean.
A literary cat is free.

I can see some deeper meaning in anything at all, but I mean, this one takes the ultimate biscuit.

Courtesy of A.

A literary cat is free.

You know?
M.