essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

Last week in visuals

Down South.

I decided to pick some blueberries in preparation for the breakfast next day.

Our gig on one of the islands. Obviously an actual storm hit when we arrived.
Everything tried to fly away, from the music, to the music stands, to like, the sound stuff.
It was super. My inner storm wolf was pleased.

Beach attire. We stayed at my auntie's house, which is next to this lake.
Needless to say, I spent every minute I had to spare there.

The pianist dude we're driving around with said the other day that we've passed the 4000km mark.
Happy July!

We gigged at this manor house as well.
And the owner is a super cool man.
Best idea in the world - hammocks all around the place.

My auntie's house.

water for the thirsty

I had the most amazing conversation yesterday.

I met up with the pretty one, for a catch-up, as we do.
And then we started talking about her work stuff, which doesn't happen very often.
But we somehow got onto the topic and I asked her to tell me stuff.

And there I was, sat next to one of my dearest and closest friends, and had my mind blown to stardust.
The way she was talking about her work things, her ideas, the way she carries them out, her focus, the impeccable focus and dedication.
It was just absolutely incredible.
I don't remember the last time I was that inspired by anyone.

And I just sat there, thinking, "what a Marvel of a Woman".

That clarity of thought absolutely hit me in the face, like a ton of angel bricks or something.

And I mean, we spend so much time together, all the time, and chat so very much.
But somehow we've never had a conversation quite like this.
Just before meeting up yesterday, I had a chat with Pisces-2, saying that I lack focus.
And then this conversation followed.
It's just like I had been looking for water, sitting next to a well.

What a marvellous human being.

And the thing is.
With all the business talk, and the "idea" what a "true" business woman "should" be like, she is genuinely one of the nicest people I know, in the whole world.
Just the kindness and generosity knows no bounds or measure.
As a human, as a friend.

Seriously.
I was so inspired by this conversation.
The focus of thought.
If I would have 10% of the clarity she has, I don't even know where I'd be.

Glorious.
I am so grateful this happened.
So grateful that I have her in my life.
All I need to do now is apply this, grab it by the reigns, and apply this.


I have to be honest with you.
None of what I've written is forwarding just how much the conversation moved me.
In some strange way.
But yes, I'm really not doing it justice.


In addition to this I realised I'm turning 25 next March.
Since I decided to live to a 100 years, this marks the first quarter.
And it's always been a thing for me for some reason.

So.
Focus and clarity.
If it doesn't nourish your soul, get rid of it.
Whatever you can come up with that you want to get to, you can get to.

And keep the people who fan (the f_ck out of) your flame!

Back
on
track

With so much love.
M.

cindy

Oh, Cindy.
Cindy
Cindy
Cindy

I can't even, I mean, yeah.

Cindy.
M.

brutal

How one woman can be such a force of nature, just absolutely beats me.

Björk.
M.

bare

I just don't have the vocabulary to talk about how much I like this image.
I like how dynamic it is, the light and shade and the black-and-white-ness of the image.
It is bare and powerful and naked and cold and explosive in its warmth at the same time.

Great caption, superb shapes.

Bare.
M.