essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

MARVEL

Iron Man 3 and the second Thor.
Dying.

I mean.
Let's face it.
I am Nordic Warrior.
And therefore this Thor madness just tickles my soul.
And Iron Man is a  h e r o. I mean, the guy's an engineer.
And Robert is so cool.

Lots of Marvel excitement.

Geek-o'clock.
M.

cindy

Oh, Cindy.
Cindy
Cindy
Cindy

I can't even, I mean, yeah.

Cindy.
M.

kawasaki

Audrey Kawasaki.

There's just something really-really very-very in her images.

images. 
M.

bare

I just don't have the vocabulary to talk about how much I like this image.
I like how dynamic it is, the light and shade and the black-and-white-ness of the image.
It is bare and powerful and naked and cold and explosive in its warmth at the same time.

Great caption, superb shapes.

Bare.
M.

fitness

New goals!

If fitness stuff really really bores you, then this post will really really bore you.

So.
I've been on my fitness train since the 22nd of October. That's 3 months. That's all!? (Sorry, I have just realised that it is like nothing. 3 months, that is it. Moving on.)
My end goal is and was to get stronger, a lot stronger.
Physically and through that mentally.
3 months down the line and I've realised I need to start doing more weight training.

Now then, ladies. 
If you're anything like me you are inclined to believe that lifting any weights (heavier than like a banana or something) will make you bulky.
I have done a whole lot of reading about this.
For you to get "bulky" you would have to lift INSANE amounts of weights and eat more protein than you weigh yourself. The women who do dedicate their lives to bodybuilding spend crazy crazy amounts of work on this, so a session or two a week of lifting some weights is not going to bulk you up.
This should go hand in hand with a healthy, well-balanced diet (which includes carbs, protein, fats), and cardio (preferably high intensity interval training HIIT, rather than low-intensity. Having said this, it depends why you're working out/what you're training for).

This is what I have been doing for 3 months. I've done a lot of cardio (high and low intensity) and hardly any strength training at all. I eat well and often (3 meals, and like 3 big snacks).
Okay, I have lost weight - but do I feel stronger? Not really.
So therefore, my new fitness goal is to get over this silly myth than women immediately bulk up when they touch weights and start lifting.
If you just do cardio till you're purple in the face, all you're doing is losing the excess fat, however, you're not really toning and changing your shape. Weights are so good for this.
So, because I want to tone up and feel significantly stronger in my body, I am going to lift weights.
(And see how it goes.)

Also. I'm so fed up of this "what's your number on the scale" chat. I mean, what does it even matter? Unless you're very over- or underweight when the number is directly a matter of staying alive or not, it doesn't really matter.
So I've decided to start measuring my successes in like, reps and weights, and distance etc.
And since I can't do push-ups to save my life, this is going to be my new goal.

So, two brand new goals, for the next 3 months.
Weights and push-ups.

Do your research, guys.
This doesn't mean go psycho and get ripped. It means, if you're working out, and want to see any results at all, do your research. Simple as that. There's a lot of stuff going around that's just not true. Many "facts" that are passed around as truth but are really far from it.
And absolutely have lots of fun!
Because we can all do so much more than we think we can.

PS. I do not claim to have any special knowledge, or to have been educated in these questions. I am simply reciting what I've heard from other people who work in fitness, or my friends, and from personal experience. And from the reading I've done. And I absolutely do not claim to be right.

Strong is the new "skinny".
M.

And to finish this off, some mermaids, and a happy seal.

boring

I'm currently bored, by myself. As in, "I" am boring "me".
Hahahaa, such a ridiculous statement! But I mean, really. I can't even like, begin to describe. To be honest, you must have quite a good idea since you read this blog. But you know.
I haven't worn anything but my tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie for I don't even remember how long.

Tomorrow is a day off.
I will take one day, and I will refuse to think about moving.
I'm gonna meet H. in town, and we'll do something fun, exciting, and un-boring!

Current total is 8 boxes, and around 75kg.

Later on I think I need a good-long full-works bath, and to just sit, and watch TV or something like that. Keep up with some Kardashians, or watch the new Grey's anatomy. Or do my nails, some beautifying routines anyway. Something to remind me that there's more to life than dusty boxes, and trying to figure out whether I desperately need this one specific thing in my life or not.

I feel like a sock.
No, thanks.M.

human mind

the human mind fascinates me.
what tips us over, you know
what gets us over the bridge
and how random it is
having said that, i think the genders are hugely different here
either way
it's fa-sci-na-ting.



"why are you so blonde"
"why must you be so blonde"
"why do you have to be so blonde"


and we will never look back at the fading silhouette

Inside the Actors Studio is making my late-night.
M.