spring

Spring is coming.

And my birthday, on Saturday.

25.

I was just saying the other day, that these two years 24-25 and 25-26 will turn out to be the most pivotal.
I feel it with some certainty.

Because I'm IN this right now, I can't yet see it all clearly, nor do I have to.

But I can sense, the magnitude, of this period of time, on my life, the rest of it.

Spanning and unravelling like great Siberian plains.

Ending in the glorious nothingness of everything.

Understanding that makes all this easier.

Swimming in the middle of the ocean you can't see the size.

Once you zoom out, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom...then you realize.

The size.

This is what it feels like now.

These are my plans for the birthday week:
singing lessons
listen to a lot of opera
choose new arias to learn
wear lots of eyeliner

So as you can see, lots of celebration plans - l o l

:D

I mean.
Yep.
This is the first time I've ever used a smiley in the blog.
But there's a first for everything.

Actually, I do want to add to my body ink this week.
I got the first one for my 20th and adding to this for my 25th seems fitting.

Apart from that - I will celebrate, with good thoughts, or something.
I don't see much meaning having a party.
Gosh, I sound like I'm 400 years old or something.
But seriously.
I see my dearest all the time.
And the rest of the people I'd love to celebrate with are not in the country.
I would much rather spend the money I'd spend on some useless cocktail on a singing lesson - and suck in their amazinggg-ness.
The teacher is just, yep, that - a Teacher.

I think I'm gonna get myself a good language set for my birthday.
I'm going to start ploughing through Italian opera and the Italian teacher returns on the 16th of March.
And I think it would be super beneficial.
Super super.

And there's some talk of a summer course in Florence so I'd love to rock up and be like - hey, I'm gonna order my ham in Italian, and the wine to go with it.

I had a concert on Saturday and two yesterday.
And I want to Go, and Do, and Be.
Life is not for imagining, it's for doing.
Imagination - fine.
But if all we ever do is sit and imagine and cry about things, nothing ever happens.
And I want things to happen.

E for EMOTIONS.
F for f* it.
S for SPRING.

Yours truly.
As always.
M.

новый

NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW

This is the one pull that I feel most.
The call of New-ness.

nuovo
ny
neu
nouveau
UUS


I hear it all the time.

I get bored so easily.
And how ridiculous is it then to try and mimic someone's ideas.
Someone else's life.
Surely this just makes more boredom.

Always.
Always, just more boredom.
More boredom.
For life.

And this is not what I want.

Maybe that's why I like New Year's so much.
The idea of a NEW year.


Not to give any f*cks, but hear what I hear.
See what I see.
Do what I do.
Follow what I follow.


Here's the thunder.
With love.
M.


I'm thinking of a new photoshoot.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

sthlm

Okay, I simply must get this off my chest.

I LOVE STOCKHOLM.

Seriously.
It's a little bit stupid.
How much I love spending time there with A.
And how much I love that city.
And how much I enjoy feeling how I feel there.

Just how much I love Stockholm.
Stupid.

Yours truly.
M.

home

I'm home, and watching the new Elementary.

Sherlock and Watson.

Didn't do too much of the to-do list, but I don't care. The new task is to stay calm and Happy as much as possible. 

I mean seriously.

I just can't be bothered.

With this waste of time, this fuss, that doesn't carry me upwards and onwards.

I truly truly tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot be bothered. 

Anymore. 

To stop the positive changes, to slow the current for something useless.

I know too much, I've come too far, and the time I have in this body, on this planet  is far too precious and magical.

So therefore.

I will work towards stopping this crap.

Because I'm bored.

And I truly TRULY appreciate magic.

F*ck this.

Love and light.

M.

this

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”

—	Rumi This, a hundred times. Yours truly. M.

January 4, 2013

With the new year kick-starting, I seem to just forget to take a moment and breathe.
I won't do New Year's resolutions because they are not my style really - as in, I don't really like them.
So this year I will simply take time.
Take time to be. Cause there's such joy in being! And keep reminding myself. New habits are hard to start, but once we start a habit, the habit carries on and then forms us.
So, I will create a habit of taking time.
Taking time to make time.
I don't wish to live another year so that I get myself into ridiculous over-worked dead-ends. It's just an unpleasant waste of time, counter productive, so I am very much looking forward to saying, "yay! got rid of that".
So therefore, find an hour a day that is not tied to a laptop, or a phone, or a TV-set. 
I know I will. Just a little time to switch off.
And I am absolutely dead-certain it will make a huge difference.
I like being busy, but busy and busy are different. Once I'm so busy I would like to slice my eyeballs open - I mean, where's the fun in that. But with a little time for breathing, the busy becomes a nice busy. Like, waves. Being caught in it, buried under it, or riding it. The wave, after-all, is the same.

Ride your wave.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

15 days till HK

So this is how long I have left of September that I will actually spend in Estonia.

What.

Therefore I'm just going to re-cap some ideas from August.

And remind myself that I promised to get some stuff done before I leave.
And I truly plan to take this rather seriously.

I want to get balls rolling in September, so I can coast along in October.
This leaving-things-undone is giving me some anxiety and that is stupid.
So therefore, get all balls rolling in September.

Ie, 15 days.

Doable.
Tight, but doable.
Focus.
The perfect exercise in focus.

First of all, tomorrow morning, I need to get cat food.
And after that, the rest can follow.

15 days.
Of focused.
And measured.
Productive.
And effective.
Action.

I, too, wish to be effective.

Yours truly.
M.

---
Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)
Acceptance.
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy. 
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.
Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Earn your own approval.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

I would really like a shower room like this.

I love doing stuff!
Efficient Maria.

And a full English the following morning.

today

Sooooo today we're literally driving to the other end of the country.

But I'm armed with fresh peas, blueberries and raspberries.
We'll get back to Tallinn just before 2AM.

BUT, this is all fine.
Because this is the countdown of the last 5 gigs!
So I'm really going to make the most of them.

Adventure-cat time!

Happy Wednesday.
M.

shine

Good morning, everyone!

It's breakfast time for me, and then packing all my stuff, ready to hit the road once more.
Gig-time tonight, and then staying South of the Estonian equator for 3 days.
Which will be lush!
Latenight swimming is my hands-down favourite thing to do after a concert.

I really hope you're having the most amazing Wednesday.
It's got the potential - so why not?

Sending you all loads and loads and loads of love and positive vibez.

Project love. Like Rachel Brathen says, everydamnday.

Happy mid-week.
M.



Packing gear.

This song is incredibly beautiful.
Rudimental and Becky Hill.
Give it a listen.

water for the thirsty

I had the most amazing conversation yesterday.

I met up with the pretty one, for a catch-up, as we do.
And then we started talking about her work stuff, which doesn't happen very often.
But we somehow got onto the topic and I asked her to tell me stuff.

And there I was, sat next to one of my dearest and closest friends, and had my mind blown to stardust.
The way she was talking about her work things, her ideas, the way she carries them out, her focus, the impeccable focus and dedication.
It was just absolutely incredible.
I don't remember the last time I was that inspired by anyone.

And I just sat there, thinking, "what a Marvel of a Woman".

That clarity of thought absolutely hit me in the face, like a ton of angel bricks or something.

And I mean, we spend so much time together, all the time, and chat so very much.
But somehow we've never had a conversation quite like this.
Just before meeting up yesterday, I had a chat with Pisces-2, saying that I lack focus.
And then this conversation followed.
It's just like I had been looking for water, sitting next to a well.

What a marvellous human being.

And the thing is.
With all the business talk, and the "idea" what a "true" business woman "should" be like, she is genuinely one of the nicest people I know, in the whole world.
Just the kindness and generosity knows no bounds or measure.
As a human, as a friend.

Seriously.
I was so inspired by this conversation.
The focus of thought.
If I would have 10% of the clarity she has, I don't even know where I'd be.

Glorious.
I am so grateful this happened.
So grateful that I have her in my life.
All I need to do now is apply this, grab it by the reigns, and apply this.


I have to be honest with you.
None of what I've written is forwarding just how much the conversation moved me.
In some strange way.
But yes, I'm really not doing it justice.


In addition to this I realised I'm turning 25 next March.
Since I decided to live to a 100 years, this marks the first quarter.
And it's always been a thing for me for some reason.

So.
Focus and clarity.
If it doesn't nourish your soul, get rid of it.
Whatever you can come up with that you want to get to, you can get to.

And keep the people who fan (the f_ck out of) your flame!

Back
on
track

With so much love.
M.

artwork

The thing is.
I've completely gone off track with the eating and nutrition and moving and working out, moving, whatever.
I miss feeling that active, and light, and responsive.
These past few months have just been a pause.

However, after "pause" you can absolutely press "play" again.

I think it's time I start taking my body for granted quite this much and consider it something much more special.
Strength, endurance and flexibility.

Artwork.
M.

out out, anyone?

So, here I was.
On the trolly bus, on my way home. Thinking of the quiet Friday night ahead, spent analysing the poems that the tour-songs are based on.
All no-make-up, dirty hair, random flip-flops, having spent the day with the Spanish one, dumplings and sunshine.

So, as I said, here I was.
And lo-and-behold, one of my homies sends me a message saying that she absolutely wants to go out and no one's taking the bait.
To which my answer was: "Have I ever said "no" to you, my dear?"

I've now done my hair, my face, and I just need to get dressed.

THIS IS SO GOOD, let's be honest.

Why? you may ask.
Well, that's because the next time I have a free weekend the calendar says "3rd of August, 2013".

That's why.

So off I go, to Yolo- and Humourland.

Peace.
M.

imma upgrade

what kind of a person do i honestly want to be?

i seriously plan to upgrade.
seriously

and that's the question, rather than anything else

down to the little details

the V-Maria
the version
can do the splits
wakes up early to have a lovely breakfast time
has a positive future vision
does not postpone anything at all to the last second
keeps a clear structure of what she needs to do (to-do lists)
works out, because she loves it
knows when to ask for advice
makes her intuitive ideas a reality
takes time to meditate
works on her yoga practice
plays the piano
makes time for herself
dedicates time to living her life as herself
doesn't forget her drawing and photography
doesn't waste time on empty worrying or anxiety
keeps positive reminders in her space
eats good food
works at her languages

this
signifies
living
my
life

So that's what and who i actually want to be.


GO BE IT.
M.

STHLM

Here
we
go
..
again.

I fly today at 6pm, and then only the Lol-god knows what will happen next.
A. and I are back on Friday - I'm in STHLM till Friday, she's in TLN till next Tuesday.

I'm currently eating watermelon and packing. After having disappeared into the Scaffolding concert madness this comes at a ridiculously appropriate moment.

BRING
ON
ADVENTURES
With love.
Mayhem.
Of Chaos and Mayhem.

Friday

Well this weekend brought lots of new ridiculousness!
I'll have to post this in several goes.

Friday was lots of scaffolding stuff, of course.
But the evening brought with it "Tour de Night" (Tour d'ÖÖ in Estonian) - one of the main events of Tallinn Bicycle week.
It was basically wayy over a 1000 cyclists cruising around Tallinn. The Spaniard and I went along as well.
AND IT WAS AWESOME!

The beginning was fairly slow, cause there were just so many cyclists.
But as we got going it was so much fun it was ridiculous!
And I was so happy Spaniard came with me so we got a chance to share all the fun.
Afterwards we went to McDo on our bikes, Drive-In, thank you very much.
And then into town - on our bikes.
Seriously - this Friday was so golden!
We biked back around 2am. We took hold of the bus lane because why not. We were singing our hearts out and seriously, it was one of the best Fridays I can remember.
Spanish one went to her friends and I went home.
GOLDEN, I tell you.

And all of a sudden I've really fallen in love with this whole cycling thing. The city just shows a really different face when you're a cyclist, and it's a very very nice face.

Stay cycling, boys and girls.
M.

(I love the plastic bag. This was the very beginning of the night and I was on my way to dad's to pick up a bike lock and a backpack which is now my new friend.)

A pap from the Tour d'ÖÖ in May.

nighttime

I completed my Wednesday to-do list!
I did all of that.
And that's pretty sweet.

Then went to stay with the Other Pisces, with the Spanish one. She lives 40 minutes out of Tallinn and it was absolutely more divine than I-lack-the-word.
We got there just in time for sunset, watched the sun go down down down on a beach. Then ate some smoked fish and watermelon and ice-cream, and then chatted about life and the universe. And got tucked into our mega-snug beds.

Morning time brought breakfast and sunbathing and more chats about life.
The energy is so good with those two - good to chat spiritual stuff. I don't think I've ever had that. So my gratitude goes out to the Universe. Muchos gracias.

And back to the capital I came, riding on a jolly yellow bus.
Did a soundcheck, saw a dance-puppet piece with E. (which was pretty super), had a rehearsal and sorted some other stuff for the Scaffolding gig (which is in TWO days?!).
AND I borrowed a bike from the pretty one and rode that home which made me happier than a pup with two tails.

Over-all, busy-Maria.
And I cannot wait to get away again.

With love.
M.

spring

And so spring continues, with ever-growing steps.
I don't really understand that June is 2 weeks away.
When
and
how
did
this
happen

It was cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, and now it's two weeks till June.
And I really need to kick this real estate thing into gear.

And these flowers below are amazing.y

Spring, time for doing things.
M.

don't i know it

His voice.

End up where you really belong.
M.