home

You can have the home you want.
Even if you're technically not a million miles away from civilisation.
You can still have the life, the atmosphere.

I saw it today.
Went to a rehearsal.
The guitarist who's summerhouse I was at for a while, this August.
And today we had a rehearsal at his house, technically in Tallinn.
But to the quieter, seaside suburb.

And Jesus wept, what a house.
The same atmosphere as in the summer house.

That's what I want.
I'd never seen anything like that.
That sort of atmosphere, not somewhere far far far away.

Magic.


Yours truly.
M.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

brain

So, brain.
No, seriously.
My subconscious has really very strongly got into a habit of late of doing it's dirty dirty washing as I sleep. Of course this happens to all of us that sometimes we have unresolved crap which then goes into the wonderful subconscious.
But I'm genuinely bored of this.

Stuff that I don't actively think about.
Stuff that shouldn't be a negative thing.
Stuff that I don't want to think about.
Stuff that just doesn't belong, anywhere.

But last night was a great night. K and M-L are in town from TRT for the weekend, and I was so truly super excited! And so very pleased.
Like, just so fresh and like, I don't even know.
Awesome-sauce tripled.
So much dancing, and so much super fun. Seriously.
I'm super grateful for this.

And tonight plans to carry on this vibe.
E and I are joining forces later, to see what comes out of that egg-shell this time around.

Go rest, brain.
M.

balance

Unproductive Friday alert.

I think the thing is that my decisions are finally sinking in.
The fact that I'm here in TLN, that I'm home, and that I have no clue about anything - that is finally sinking in.
And of course rationally I know this is super positive. And super brave.

But on the other hand, I am so used to living my life according to plans and schedules and deadlines and goals. Which is good. But if you start following goals for the sake of following goals things become very hollow.
So no more goals for now. Personal goals yes, career goals, I'm going to calm down. Or have already calmed down.

And so, it is sinking in. This new, completely alien way of being and breathing and thinking. And these things come in waves, as always.
This is the way it always goes.
It gets easier, it gets harder, then it gets easier again, this is the way the cookie crumbles.

But for some reason riding the wave this time is harder than before.

What I really want is to find a place, get away and find peace. Re-find the peace and balance.

But.
Spring is coming.
And with spring comes the ideal time to melt. And melting is hard.
So I will keep my eyes on the prize and I will keep my belief that things will get better.
Because that is all anyone can do, ever.

I hope you're peaceful and balanced and having a lovely sunny Friday.

Melt.
M.

what you imagine

What kind of a life did I imagine?
What if there was no fear?
What if I had no fear?

I mean, these questions are so interesting, I don't even know where to begin.

Lucky are those who dream a lot.
Because in dreams there are no boundaries and there is no fear.
We grow up with people giving us advice and warnings and cautionary tales and big bad wolves and the rest. So many limits, and so many boundaries.
Things you shouldn't do, words you mustn't say, ideas that won't get you anywhere.
And so on.
And so forth.

"Live the life you have imagined".
This life that sometimes shows itself in the deep deep warm darkness of your dreams. The one you don't ever voice because it's so secret and so precious, that merely talking about it might tarnish the purity of the divine dream.
The things you want, and need, and just thinking about it feels like drinking from the cup of unicorn paradise.
The dreams that sometimes get lost and also get forgotten.

Also.
Think of the word "imagine". Imagine the word "imagine".
It is just so huge, so huge and wonderful.
Imagining, and imagination.

I don't often entertain myself with thoughts like this.
Because I'm "rational", and "reasonable", and "logical", and I "listen to my head".
Whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Point is.
Dreaming is the steam and the fuel.
Fine, let's say you're clever enough to build a frikkin' train.
But if there's no juice in the tank, the train won't run, will it, smarty-pants?

So for all the glorious cleverness - I must dream.
And listen to the dreams I find.

And then, and only then, really truly live the life I have secretly imagined all along.

And be the person I have imagined I want to become.
M.

ourselves?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while now.
And had this draft written but never finished.

I think this started when I was thinking of this idea of "working hard" at something. I've always been proud of the fact that if I want to do something or want to get something, I work hard.
Which is great and fine.
However, what if we're working hard at things that just don't deserve it?
Or things which will not bare fruit, because they don't have the potential?


We should all aim at and try to have enough respect for ourselves to recognise the time to walk away.

Often the need to work hard at something is emphasised, over and over and over, and over, and over again. As if the process has inherent value, regardless of the end.
Fine.
I get it.
It's good to work hard, and it will get you places.
But.

Sometimes things just run out of inertia and what happens then?
They come to an end.
Simple as that.

So I really hope, that when the time is right, you and I will have enough bravery to recognise the "stop" point. To say "thank you, this was great", and to walk away.
From anything at all - actual and tangible, or mental, anything.
Anything in your life.
Jobs, ideas, friends, partners, hair colour, your favourite pants, or the city you live in.
Anything at all.

Because at the very very very end of the day, this is your one life, and your own happiness. No one else's.
And even if holding on seems like a brilliant idea, it's not.

So I really hope you have the courage to recognise when it's time to walk away from something.
I'm really trying to start understanding which is which.

As ever.
With love.
M.

stuff

There's a chance that my stuff is arriving soon!
We're talking like a week. This would be such a load off my mind. At the moment it just feels like my poor boxes are hovering somewhere around the other end of Europe. And it's just so not pleasant.

So YAY! I really hope the rest of this runs smooth.

Boxes. 
M.

Luna

I would like to do this.


By Martynas Pavilonis.
M.

balance

Anger fascinates me.
It just. I don't really know where it comes from or where it wants to go, or what's the purpose or how to get rid of it.
It's tiring, and I'd like to be without.

Dear Anger,
Go away. For good.

Thanks.
With love.
Maria.

new

No-energy-Maria here.

New energy.
Where to get energy from.
Nutrition, obviously. Good nutrition.
Exercise. All the happy-hormones and stuff make you feel better and more alert (maybe not straight after).
(Also worth mentioning that I've had around 0.5% bothered-ness to do any form of moving/working out lately. Thinking I'll "save energy". Bulls*it. I'm just being lazy. I'd feel so much better over-all.)
Then, like, new hair, I think, gives energy, in a way. Or at least changing my hair does have a very positive effect on me.
I think I might cut it. Not off-off, but definitely shorter. Medium-length, rather than long.

And maybe dye it. Anything to shake my out of this rather apathetic state.

Explanation.

Packing.
Anyone who hasn't had to move, I mean, really move, does not know how exhausting this is. Not like, oh dear, boo hoo, you have to put stuff in boxes, cry about it. But rather, you have to sort through the things. Deciding whether this goes, that stays, sifting through your life.
Not the top of my list, if I'm honest. It's just a tiring process. I never got it, before I had to move out of my boarding house. Jesus.

So therefore, project. More energy! Woo! I'm not lethargic, or sluggish as a person, so periods of this piss me off. Okay, sometimes they mean I need more sleep, or more this, or more that, at the moment it is simply a matter of "Work out a gameplan to get more energy wooo and stop moaning wooo!"

I just googled it.
A 3-minute sing-a-long dance session. (Quite like this idea)
Snacking and chocolate. (Haven't done enough of that today. This might be low bloodsugar, you know?)
Playing. (I like this. Playing. Like, an online-scrabble session if others are out.)
Getting more organised. (I hear you, sister, from my pile of crap.)
Listen to tunes. (I need some more of those tomorrow, thanks.)
Dress up. (I might pack tomorrow, wearing jeans and actual clothes, and do my make-up.)

Okay, so I will do all of these things tomorrow.
For now, I've played some really cute games online (www.orisinal.com) and had some chocolate.
And changed my Google background.

And I've decided to post a few photos, of course.
The thumbs up is for all of you who are in a similar state right now. Of just, No, thanks, life.
Thumbs up, because crap-ness passes.
Then there's one of me and my naked Ryan Gos pillow. Birthday present, oh yes. I highly highly highly recommend you all get one. It solves many many issues.
And then the last one is of my chilli hot chocolate, and a peanut butter and banana sandwich on toasted rye bread with dark chocolate sprinkles. My soul needs it.

Lots of un-stressed love to all of you.
M.