thurs

Hey, sweets!!

Yesterday I did some work things I had been postponing and it was fine, no angst no nothing!
So I really really am so pleased about this.

Had some awesome vegan lunch and then went to see the newest arrival of our female army.
MY BABY GOT HER BABY!
So I'm paying both of them a visit again today, this time, armed with sushi.

And I'm gonna carry on doing the work things, a little here, a little there.
No BIG mountains of work to climb, no hundred emails at a time, no hundred thoughts at a time.
Just, a little at a time.

Also, as I was walking yesterday to Bébé-ville, I realised how much time I truly spend just thinking about work things.
And how counter-productive this is.
As opposed to think about it, and then feel tired when I actually start doing the work, I should learn how to really switch off, and then when I work, I work.
True, this "work" of mine is my true true passion. But still, come on, enough is enough.

So that's what I got to yesterday.
Today the skies are grey but I'm pretty peaceful.
My sleep and dreams are calm lately so this helps a ton.


So - half of the week gone.
The week of sorting unfinished business.
Am I actually doing it?
Kind of, but should make more of this, I'll feel better after.

Peace out.
Love, always.M.

transform

I found this article and I really like it.
I think Tantra has managed to get itself a bad name much thanks to people just seeing it as a way to lots and lots of sex.
And just, trivialising it.
So I like this article.

And this idea that one can go so deep into the heart of what it loves that it then becomes love itself.
What a nice idea.
And the idea that Tantra accepts everything as a part of learning, all of it. Everything that we might feel or meet - everything is a part of "embracing the path".
..which is more commonly called Life, y'know.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/the-yoga-of-tantric-love-7-reasons-why-its-not-just-about-sex/

To have Hope, Faith and Love.
The three Big Gangstas.

I happened upon the end of Shawshank redemption the other day.
What a glorious film.
And there was this quote at the end I'd never really noticed:

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And a good thing never dies."

Patience, and kindness.
Words into Actions.
I have a sneaky feeling this is quite literally the core and heart of this year.
My Quarter century year.

Actual harmony only lives inside.
With or without or whatever.
We are what we have.
10 points to me every time I remember this.

And I also like this idea about gratitude I read somewhere, that the reason why gratitude is so important, being grateful for everything you've got, is that sending this out as a signal, life and the universe gets a go-ahead for sending more stuff your way.

Trust in what you already know!


If you speak Estonian:
http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/10-tarkust-Buddhalt/l-12/c-1587/

So this is a reminder post.
About important things.

With love.
M.


And just THIS, you know.
By a Spanish poet Antonio Machado, translated by Robert Bly.
Last Night, As I Was Sleeping

(just one verse)
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt — marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Sweet honey_from my old failures.
So divine.

dreams

We don't need to know what we're good at to dream.
Maybe these crazy dreams we get every now and then are there to show us what we would be good at.
If we'd just give ourselves a chance.

Maybe that's what the dreams are for.

Take them seriously.
I mean, we gotta for it to work, you know?

Goethe on öelnud: "Sel hetkel, kui inimene ennast millelegi täielikult pühendab, tuleb appi ka Ettemääratus. Juhtuvad kõiksugu asjad, mis muidu poleks juhtunud, terve sündmuste vool, mis toob inimeseni kõik ettenägematud juhtumid, kohtumised ja abi, millest poleks osanud unistadagi." - See more at: http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/Unistamisest/l-5/c-1280/#sthash.LfbzKGEe.dpuf

Goethe has said: The moment when an individual commits themselves to something whole heartedly, predetermination steps into play. Allsorts of things start to happen, that otherwise wouldn't have, a whole flow of events, that brings unforeseen happenings, meetings and help, that one could not have dreamt of.

Goethe.

Yours truly. 

M. 

end of the comfort zone

30.12.2013

Penultimate day of the year has just drawn to a close.

We were walking with the Spanish one earlier. We had finished eating some pasta with the pretty one, and I decided to get some nail polish base coat. And off we went.

And so we got to this crossing right in the centre of town, across the street from the main concert hall, Estonia.

Long story short, I nearly fainted I think, or had some form of heart failure moment, because our tour poster aka my face, was on the wall of the concert hall.

Here's a fact about my life.

I have dreamt of the day when I am up there for as long as I can remember. 

Honestly.

And I really think some base soul level something took place looking at it.

I thought I had some time till I got to that?

I don't know, it was just so out of the blue.

Some sort of homecoming, a completion again, to wrap up 2013.

Ridiculous joy, like unhingedly euphoric.

It was strange, to try and say the least.

So now I'm in the Spaniards bed, because this is not a night to sleep on my own.

I need security tonight and she is after all my soul-mum, or some sh*t like that.

What happens at the end of our comfort zone.

Something very peculiar.

Comfort, so called "comfort", becomes very very uncomfortable.

This crazy itch, to do something, the discontent with the Self.

Literally, ants in your pants, wanting "something".

Usually the remedy is to go out, get way too drunk for any human need and party h-a-r-d.

But it won't fix anything.

The only thing to fix any of this is Action.

The remedy is Doing.

Doing what is right for you, for your Soul-Self.

So take action.

And I need to take action.

The thing is.

Healing doesn't happen over night. 

It takes time, it's a decision you make every day.

A choice to let yourself be happy.

So choose right, choose kind, and choose honest.

As always, yours truly.

M.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

brain

So, brain.
No, seriously.
My subconscious has really very strongly got into a habit of late of doing it's dirty dirty washing as I sleep. Of course this happens to all of us that sometimes we have unresolved crap which then goes into the wonderful subconscious.
But I'm genuinely bored of this.

Stuff that I don't actively think about.
Stuff that shouldn't be a negative thing.
Stuff that I don't want to think about.
Stuff that just doesn't belong, anywhere.

But last night was a great night. K and M-L are in town from TRT for the weekend, and I was so truly super excited! And so very pleased.
Like, just so fresh and like, I don't even know.
Awesome-sauce tripled.
So much dancing, and so much super fun. Seriously.
I'm super grateful for this.

And tonight plans to carry on this vibe.
E and I are joining forces later, to see what comes out of that egg-shell this time around.

Go rest, brain.
M.

cinematography

Buzkashi boys.

Link to the trailer.
http://vimeo.com/34778382

I just love films.
Films about something else.

Buzkashi.
M.

today.

Today.

"Do something today that your future self will thank you for. Take a yoga class. Make a vision board for your dreams. Clean your house. Dance. Forgive someone. Forgive yourself. Go for a swim. Sweat. Stretch. Smile. Pour your heart into everything you do. Love."

And that's all.
Just something.
And then do that tomorrow as well.

With love.
M.

what you imagine

What kind of a life did I imagine?
What if there was no fear?
What if I had no fear?

I mean, these questions are so interesting, I don't even know where to begin.

Lucky are those who dream a lot.
Because in dreams there are no boundaries and there is no fear.
We grow up with people giving us advice and warnings and cautionary tales and big bad wolves and the rest. So many limits, and so many boundaries.
Things you shouldn't do, words you mustn't say, ideas that won't get you anywhere.
And so on.
And so forth.

"Live the life you have imagined".
This life that sometimes shows itself in the deep deep warm darkness of your dreams. The one you don't ever voice because it's so secret and so precious, that merely talking about it might tarnish the purity of the divine dream.
The things you want, and need, and just thinking about it feels like drinking from the cup of unicorn paradise.
The dreams that sometimes get lost and also get forgotten.

Also.
Think of the word "imagine". Imagine the word "imagine".
It is just so huge, so huge and wonderful.
Imagining, and imagination.

I don't often entertain myself with thoughts like this.
Because I'm "rational", and "reasonable", and "logical", and I "listen to my head".
Whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Point is.
Dreaming is the steam and the fuel.
Fine, let's say you're clever enough to build a frikkin' train.
But if there's no juice in the tank, the train won't run, will it, smarty-pants?

So for all the glorious cleverness - I must dream.
And listen to the dreams I find.

And then, and only then, really truly live the life I have secretly imagined all along.

And be the person I have imagined I want to become.
M.

blackbird, fly

I don't know why but this song fixes something. Whatever the fracture, this fixes it.

Into the light
of the dark black night

And fly.
M.

dream big

Confession.
I haven't dreamt big in a while.
I don't think I've actually dreamt at all for a while.
I used to, a lot, and now it's just kind of disappeared or moved to the sidelines.
But I think it's absolutely, absolutely essential.

Dreaming is not a waste of time. Anyone who says so I simply have to disagree with, completely.
Dreaming is like, creating the winds for your own sails, you know?
You have dreams and then you can turn them into goals.
"Goals are dreams with deadlines."

Dreaming.
"Stop daydreaming". As if it's a bad thing. Of course, there's a time for everything and I'm not asking you or myself to daydream non-stop and in the process get hit by a bus or lose our jobs.
It's just - dreaming is so essential. And having dreams, however big or small. It is simply a force to drive us forward.
It is like that saying - shoot for the Moon, and even if you'll miss, you will land among the stars.
Besides, the power of a human brain once it sets itself to something, I mean, really commits to something, is absolutely a force of nature to be reckoned with.
So why not set it to something that our dreams are truly made of.

So.
Once I'm home I will -
dream a little
dream a lot
and then dream some more

Give myself a chance to open my brain to dreaming. Tune it to GoodTimes FM, or something.
Being present in the here and now is fine, but if a thing becomes a restraint, it's clearly time for a change.
Open my head to all the lovely things that are and will be and I can look forward to.
It is a great freedom, does marvellous things mentally and I just haven't allowed myself to relax, breathe and do it.
So go on, fill your lovely lovely heads.

Dream big.
M.

LDN

Yesterday was spent under the flag of getting here and then sitting. Quite literally, sitting.
I did start my packing - woo, look at me, not procrastinating! I give myself a point.

Today AEM and I went into town to meet one of his friends. Had some lunch, and then walked about for a bit, ending up in the Ice-cream parlour at Harrods. Yes, please. Had 2 scoops of ice-cream (can I just say, I LOVE ICE-CREAM) - one was orange-carrot-lemon (ish? it was delicious anyway) and chocolate and cookies. Yes, please x 10000000
Now I'm home cooking, and then some more packing.
I started making my "Goodbye, London" list today. You know, I was thinking about it the other day. That it was like not so long ago when I posted about thinking of moving and now it's actually happening. And I can't really believe it.
I mean, I'm very excited because this is so the right thing for me right now. Having said this, I'm so scared. I shall get over it, and embrace the excitement. And rinse this month dryyyyyyyy

And this is just soooo fitting with January being for "JUST DO IT". (More about this later)

All my love.
M.

...you see, the thing is

Ahh, I did some daydreaming today...

It will be called plan 43.

And it includes A., a NYC loft, or a townhouse, and the Met, of course.
And dogs who will have to stay in the servants' quarters (HA),
and cats who can remain in front of the fire.
Cats hypo-allergenic, and otherwise.

A. will be a professor of something ÜBERinteresting. And she will have just returned from an expedition to either Pole. Doesn't really matter which one.
On this expedition she will have met a guy, who turns out to be quarter-Icelandic. But a lifelong Newyorker. Doing a PhD in something ineffably cool. So her visit does not only include seeing me, but going on scarf-and-coffee filled walks with this guy, in Central Park. Of course.
And I will be in New York singing the Met Autumn/Winter season. Doing a REALLY good production of Lucia. And I mean, really good.
And we'll be there, in some sort of a rented accommodation. So we'll be there, in the library, which holds a fireplace and a grand piano, sitting on the sofa, napping. That is A. will be napping, I'll be sat behind the piano, going over some part of the score.
A's nap is due to the fact we will have just finished dinner, followed by cheese. And it's the cheese that will have created this nap-time.
And it will be nearing Christmas.
And I'll be wearing really world-class socks. This is of utmost importance.
And then some sort of a man, in a loose tie, will arrive home from whatever work business whatever, wherever. But he'll arrive.
And then after the opening night, we will all go to a Russian restaurant. It will have to be around midnight because I doubt I'll get out of the Met before that.
And I will order of course - cause it's from my hood.
And we'll walk home - cause it's just across the Park. Of course.

DAYDREAMING
M.