poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

release the swag

www.polyvore.com

So.

With the arrival of autumn, my annual feeling of being the most boring person in the country has returned.

So this has created my joint project with A. for turning on the outer swag.
The pretty one suggested going on polyvore.com, which might change my life.

Also, just to be clear, this boringness is absolutely external.
I don't feel interally boring.
I just think I look ridiculously boring.

Also, adding some boyfriend jeans to my wardrobe.
And using Kandee Johnson's videos to learn some new make-up tips.

Because this is where my head is at.
And apparently I consider this very important.

Yours truly.
M.

external

So.

Don't pay attention to the external b*llshit someone might come out with.
About you, or your life, or your choices, or morals, or appearance, or anything at all.

I read some comments on this article about me that was in the papers over Christmas. A tiny little story, basically, talking about my typical day.
(Also, there were like 70% positive, 30% negative comments.)

So.
Two questions.
One. Why did I read them? Reading those comments only ever knocks my otherwise decent self-belief and confidence. Makes me doubtful. Makes me question my value and the value in my choices. Ugh.
Okay, I know this sounds dramatic but seriously! The comments are just so like, personal. And just nasty. So why read them? No one knows.
Two. Why care? This is the big one. Why care? Why care about what these people have to say? This is based on nothing. Nothing at all. They don't know me, know anything about anything to do with me. So why care?
And this goes for other situations are well. So often we just get hung up on what "he said, she said". Which just doesn't matter. I mean, seriously? We have like what, under 10 people in our lives that we actually trust and respect and listen to and turn to for advice? So why are we affected by the rest of the external voices?
If someone has time to criticise someone else, and base their chat on nothing, then I mean, come one, they honestly need to re-address their lives.

So, no thanks.
This is about me.
This is about you.
Silence.
Shush.
This is not their life.
These are not their decisions.
So take some time to listen to you. If in doubt, ask the people you truly trust and respect for help, or guidance, or a hug, you know.

Apart from that, listen to you.
Listen to your gut.

Do yoga and kick the bad thoughts out, just out the window, see you later.

Be honest, be kind and be brave.
And take good care of yourself.

With love.
M.

right here

Again, an old post draft. 


i realised, all of a sudden, that for my entire life i've been looking for balance in all the wrong places.

and i realised, whilst having a shower, that all the balance a person needs (to begin with) is from the person. so from me. and then the rest of the stuff will follow.

okay this might seem like a very captain obvious thing to say, but aren't most things?
i mean. if you really simplify it (by it, i mean everything) down to its core, then everything is so simple.

I'm so outward looking, all the time. just, in creating a life, if i can say that. and then most people say, oh why is this not happening, and that not happening. well the answer is not far, is it.

and i think this is the one thing i've learnt with the excessive amounts of yoga i've been doing. that i've been looking way too far. better just roll dem sleeves up, and get cracking with myself. be what i want to be like, and the rest will follow.

starting the other way around is a bit of a waste of time. (again, this might not work for everyone, but i've realised this works for me.)
i need to start from right here, to get anywhere. basic logic.

and the rest will follow. like karma.

because balance isn't outside, it's inside. a balanced life doesn't equal what's going on around us. it's a way of looking at things. there is as much or as little balance as we allow there to be.
i will now start testing this out.

and remember to breathe.

if it works i will genuinely do a dance of utter..like, relief.

because since i am, and have been, on a perpetual quest for balance for so long, it's a good little nugget. 

YAY!

and f*ck, it feels nice.
M.

surround

the right people
the power of surrounding yourself with the right people
the right people for you
the people who make you feel something
the people who inspire you
or that you admire, and/or respect
one would be a colossal idiot to underestimate that power

and all those things we'd like to be or do, or even look like, but don't because of outward disapproval, is just bullshit.
there's a line between consideration and bullshit.

inspirational people.
who are my inspirational people?
who inspires me?

if you'd observe your life, as if it's not yours, what would you say to you?
as that person, as that surrounding factor, as an inspiration - what would you say.
what is that advice or the influence that is lacking.
and why not be that for yourself.
external, outward

i am not my mother
i am not my father
i am not my siblings, or my friends
all i am is me, whatever that is
i am me

I don't like being toned-down.
M.


ps. if I'd be that external influence, I'd say not to be scared of making decisions, and being in charge of a decision.
make my own decisions
not float along with other people's decisions, or wait for them to make one.