poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

always this way

And may I   a l w a y s   be this way.

I hope you've had a most lovely weekend.
I know mine has been.
(Covered in paint and loveliness.)

Tomorrow is a day to get over being snotty, sort some stuff for a work meeting on Wednesday and you know. Blah blah = life.
Point is, I wanna be covered in paint some more, and I wanna sing.

Yours truly.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

new hair

That would be SO FUN!

Peace.
M.

walls

It's funny how there are two kinds of walls.
The walls which feel like walls, concrete, and cold and have absolutely no life in them.
They keep you from the light, keep you from air. Keep you from your dreams, buried and out of sight somewhere in cement.

Wall type number 2, however, is very different. These walls don't actually feel like anything. It's rather a safe and sound environment. They protect and keep safe. They are there, of course, but they don't feel like stone. They feel like, the palm of a hand.
Warm and protected.

Currently I'm residing between wall type no1.
Oh, joy, upon joys.
And this is also where a lot of my angst comes from.

I want my own HQ, you know?
Head Quarters where I can plot and scheme and plan my life.
A place that serves as inspiration, not hindrance.

UGH.
M.

break

Just finished the rehearsal.
I am supremely happy with how it went.
My 8AM alarm paid off, big-time.

In my head I'm always in Paris.

A celebratory coffee.
M.

enough

How gracefully we let go of the things that are not meant for us.

Enough, child. Enough now.

Really, honestly - enough.
M.

gracefully

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

HOW GRACEFULLY
YOU LET GO OF THINGS
NOT MEANT FOR YOU

Let's, PLEASE, just let this sink in. Please.
Because all truth and happiness is in that.

How gracefully you let go of things not. meant. for. you.

Measuring, and hearing, and understanding what is meant for us and what isn't and listening to our intuition.
Because your intuition is always right, always.
Your intuition already knows everything.

So let's just remember this, right.
Let go of things not meant for you.

And so. Every day start again.
Because nothing matters apart from what you do today and how you live today.

What we do today, matters most.
M.

lazy yogi

There's this guy on tumblr, calls himself the Lazy Yogi.
And he dishes out some wisdom alright.
His website is really good, too.
http://lazyyogi.org/

This was a response written to some babe, but there's a lot of clever stuff in there which applies to many many people I know.

Hope you are all going to have a peaceful Monday.
M.

Before you open up to others again, open up to yourself. It sounds as if you are still carrying around past pain. 

Instead of dwelling on and reliving how things went in the past, take your attention deeply into this moment. What traces of the past do you bring with you into the here and now?

You don’t need to fight it or change it but rather to become abundantly clear and aware of it. Then you can see it for what it is: past thoughts you are continuing to react to. If you continue to react to a past which no longer exists, there will be no end to your pain. 

Time erases the past on its own and you will move on, but you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Awareness practices such as the one I describe above in combination with daily meditation will help you to let go. 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The more you close yourself off, the more you will feel isolated. It is to your own benefit that you remain open and loving, of anything be it a flower or a puppy or another human. 

Just because things played out one way in the past doesn’t mean you should assume it will be so forever into the future. Although it may be worth re-examining the kinds of boyfriends you feel attracted to and why. 

Namaste :)

morning

I think every day would start just that little bit better (apart from Sunday mornings, which are just another thing entirely), with a mug like this.
Also, not every morning. But just those mornings when you need the world (or your mug) to tell you to get off your ass and do stuff.

Get shit done.
M.

don't get greedy, kid

It is interesting how even the most seemingly positive things can draw out some negative patterns.
To be more exact.

This past week was absolutely spectacular.
I don't know what exactly I decided and when, but paired with Tuesday night, when I actually realised how ridiculously hindering my thought patterns were, something shifted.
And I was sliding on that wave for about 72 marvellous hours, when it was nothing short of audible how things were just somehow falling into place.
Sounds super, right?

It is, and was.
However.
An interesting side effect is that this gets almost addictive.
And so I decided to take a few days to calm down and prepare for the beginning of the week.
But I don't know. Now it's just a bit off.
Like, I got so used to "people" that now I'm a little --what? A little something.

So, in conclusion.
Don't be greedy, kid.

I suck at balance.
Always have.
And this same go-go-go-go-more-more-more-more-more-more-MORE-NOW thing got me to the point where I was in October, i.e. didn't want to do anything, at all.
This dance with everything and nothing.

Balance.
All of this is just a balancing act.
And what do you do if you don't know how to do something?
LEARN.

So I shall learn balance.

Greedy, greedy child.
M.

what i want.

As if we had wings.
M.

now what

So, now what, boys and girls.
Now what?

Uneasy. 
M.

all the f*cks

Oh, look at all the f*cks i don't give!



So.
I used to think this kind of attitude was in some way negative, or not really advancing anything at all.

But.
After giving this fairly significant amounts of thought time, I have now come to the conclusion, that actually it is fine.
This does not mean I don't like people, or I don't care about people.
This doesn't imply arrogance in the slightest.
This only means I don't go crazy over what people necessarily "think" about me. My clothing, or my career, or my manner of speaking. Which is all matter of subjective opinion.
And once I managed to kind of start letting go of this I was so much freer just to enjoy people as they were, not be so hung up on what I thought other people thought of me.

"Caring" too much also leads down a really evil path - perpetual competing, with other people.
If you are constantly trying to please everyone and make sure you are to everyone's taste all you are really doing is ripping yourself apart, because let's be honest here - it's impossible to please everyone.

Look in the mirror.
That's your competition.

And I don't say this as a person who wants to achieve nothing or for whom being successful is not important - on the contrary. This kind of attitude - push yourself, not compete with others - will lead to success. (I am still really very much trying to make this attitude natural and easy, so I don't have to remind myself of where to place my pinpoint of emphasis. But so far, so good. And seriously, everything comes so much easier.)

If you really work at trying to become the very very best version of yourself you can possibly be, you won't have time to judge others, therefore good things will happen, you will go far and you will succeed in whatever field you are active in.

Change your mind, and you can change anything.

With love.
M.

knitting

So last night I stayed up knitting till 6am.
No, this is not a normal occurrence. It's just I hadn't done any knitting in so long and I really like it.
It's like, so so good. Seriously.
And I was watching Downton Abbey like there's no tomorrow.
And so I ended up being awake till 6am, as opposed to getting home after the gig and going to sleep.
Why the heck not.

Oh, and I decorated the tree today. Mum was flexible so I thought we'd go for a New-York-City-toy-store-dreamland vibe. Which basically meant, really simple lights, and these tiny tiny wooden Christmassy toy figurines. I'll post a pictures of the finished tree later.

It's so weird, whenever touring comes round again. My life boils down to eating, sleeping, singing, sitting in a car, and then repeating that. Which is great, don't get me wrong. Just means I don't ever think any interesting thoughts at all.
So therefore I knit, and watch Downton Abbey, and you know.
But it's nice.
I must not forget Christmas is nearly nearly here!

WOO FOR KNITTING.
M. 

saturday night

So.

We went out last night.
I'd spent the whole day in town (surprise-surprise) so I was a little knacked.
So what ended up happening was this -

No, actually, I thought that if I'd do this to my face I'd actually get up and get ready.
Which I did.

People were coming round - girls, to get ready at ours - and I was just sat there, top of the stairs, with an eyeliner pencil in my hand, just seeing what I can do.
I was quite pleased.
Then I put on a coat, backwards, and starting waltzing with AJ. She said: "I suddenly had the urge to kiss you." With my face, LIKE. THAT?
So it was an interesting beginning to a Saturday night.
The rest of it wasn't nearly as interesting.

But there.
Make-up.
M.

i would like to

...have some shisha time with the pretty one (as she is known in my international community).
...go jogging somewhere cool with E. so we could prance around the place like kids.
...drink lemonade out of cans with K.
...get very mysa with A. and then be not so mysa and go reintroduce Galliano Sours into our lives.
...



I woke up too late. And it has made me very angry.
I'm really trying not to be angry about this, because I can't change it now.
It's done. I woke up late. Move on.
So please, let's not be annoyed about this.

I'm gonna try and have a very tiring day, so I'll be shattered by midnight and just fall asleep/into my bed.
To get up at a decent time.
Because this has really really started to do my head in.


Annoyed.
Plan of the day - not be annoyed.

PS: I can't even remember when I wrote this post. But I like the to-do list in the beginning. And just how much getting up toooo late pisses me off.
M.

"No"vember

Happy 1st of November, everyone!


I did some drawing today. In honour of having a brand new month, woo!
And I think the drawing does, quite successfully, sum up what I want this month to be(come).

"No"vember.
What are you saying "no" to?
What am I saying "no" to?

I'm a firm believer in saying "yes".
But sometimes it's okay to take a second and realise how great it is to still know when to say "no".
And what to say "no" to.


So.
There's this, and this.

The yoga-a-day challenge is such a good thing to do for actually getting to know some new poses, learning some of the names and just getting into a steady habit of doing yoga.
Not a lot, just a little, but every day.
(Sorry for the appalling yoga-picture below. It was way past midnight when I decided to get involved. Tomorrow's will be better.)

I don't really know why the photo-a-day appeals to me.
I was thinking some time ago (this was actually in a conversation with A.) that for "a creative person" I'm not really creating anything at the moment. And by that I don't mean physical, tangible things. For me it's more a way of looking at things.
And since I have time to do this at the moment - why not.

This photo-a-day just encourages to see, and notice. And look closer. And maybe assess a little differently than before. And to really pinpoint.
I'm hoping this will make autumn more palatable.
(Again, sorry for the photo - I'll get going with both tomorrow.)

And therefore, there's this, and this.

Happy "No"vember.
M.

remember

"remember,
you're in charge."


I always say, in an ideal world.
Why not though?
What does that even mean?
What does it mean, in an ideal world?

And why is this one any less than ideal?

M.

beat 2

i just got so excited
about theatre (?)
but not, it as such, about doing it.

the feeling of doing it, came back. and excited me so much

weird that

is it realistic?
why not to be honest.
I am a massive chicken, and always have been.
but if i want something, why not stop being a chicken.
if i ask, and not get anywhere, why is that a bad thing?
at least i tried, you know.
maybe i should...just make a few inquiries.
thats all i can do really cause i dont even know what im asking

the prospect.
fuck.
so excited



WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?
..okay, good.
so go for it.


with love
You


All naked and the dead should hold each other hands /S.Walker/