flame

Everything for the creative flame.

This is what my attitude should be.

This does not in itself warrant much.

It just means that I need to follow the path of my passion.

Or rather of the many many passions I have in this life.

I often look at these portraits of artists, photos right, and I think, they look so alive in being themselves.

That's the main vessel and weapon and mother and child of any creator.

The Self.

It's the deepest rabbit hole.

The smoothest sea and highest wave.

Not to follow every crumb of this would be idiotic.

Let's not do that, shall we.

Creator, mother, giver, taker, do-er, planner, executor, savior.

Now run.

M.

roads

So. 

This post is actually more about foundations than roads.

But I prefer it as the title.

So.

Foundations.

I was just thinking.

About preconceived ideas, about right and wrong, and all the shoulds and shouldnts.

And how terribly terribly hideous it is, to even think of building your foundations upon someone else's.

That would work like quicksand.

It comes to a point, or there should be a moment of realization, when a person understands that it's either themselves or nothing.

What I mean is - unless you get Yourself working, unless you commit and dedicate yourself to yourself, and face yourself as what you are, "nothing" follows.

What I mean by "nothing" is the void.

The convenient void in which so many people live their lives.

I'm not patronizing, or implying that I'm free of this, because I'm so not. 

But lately I've just really understood how take-no-prisoners it is - it really is yourself (balls to the wall fearlessness) or nothing (the numb void of structures created by someone other than yourself).

In between the two there's a million variables but in terms of attitude it honestly is This or That.

You can't be a tiny bit brave or somewhat partial to the mundane social constructs.

You either are or are not. 

Pick one. 

And then let it roll according to that.

I know what I'll decide, which I'll pick.

But I just have to do it.

Really do it.

And commit to myself tooth, claw and nail.

And not let it slip away into what someone else thinks or expects or wants.

Because that simply does not bring happiness.

And why waste this life we have. 

In other news, I'm going home today, from STHLM.

If I'm honest I'm not ready.

Or maybe I am. 

I don't really know.

It's rather - it's been super being here, to calm down.

But now I'd like to stay here for some more time and refocus my thoughts.

But hey.

It is what it is.

Home awaits.

And everything it holds.

Yours truly.

M.

January 25, 2013

Something happens.

You follow your path. You wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep.
You go through the steps and the motions. Think your thoughts and do your thing.
Swim and swim, and it's all fine.
You walk the path.
And then something happens.
Suddenly something just happens.
Something happens to you or around you that just flicks a switch.

Something
happens

And then you kind of, notice. 
Suddenly you notice the path, the track, the flow, the motions, and the steps.
Then after that you see what's happened.
You see you, on this track, that is not even yours.
You see the steps, that are not even yours.
And then you see, that this you is not even you.

All because something happened.
A little insignificant something that should've been added and drowned in the white noise that is life.

But it doesn't.
It won't fade out. This feeling stays with you.
It won't disappear, because it made you look up and see that this is not your path.
It nudged you off this course, that only you know how you got onto anyway.
It gives you back the greatest gift, the belief that you can do anything.
You can do what you choose. Become what you choose.
It gives you back your fire.
And oh my, it makes you so grateful.

Something
happens.

So have the courage to go again.
Throw the dice, again. Start, again.
Have the courage to tread a new path.
Because it will pay off.
And you will have people to help you and to care about you.
And at the end of this you will be a more balanced, grateful, content version of you.
The you that is strong and not scared and doesn't just dodge. But instead faces things head on, because why not. Because being a frikkin pirate of life is great, and courageous.
And so much better than being like a halfway version of yourself.
Because let's be honest, that can go and suck d*ck.
Be the pirate, be the Beyonce, be the adventurer, the traveller.
The poet, the painter, the dancer, the singer.
The child, the successful business woman.
The linguist, the acrobat.
The warrior and the wolf.

Because, WHY NOT.

The Devil still doesn't play fair.
M.

the self

So the thing is.
Most of us grow up and end up compensating for some unfulfilled need or desire throughout our adult life.

The majority of what's missing can be summed up, I think, as an unbalanced relationship with the understanding of our own value, or something that is also known as "self-love".
I've found that people very often have an almost defensive reaction when someone mentions the notion of loving ourselves.
As if it's wrong, or faulty.
As if we shouldn't.

The truth is we need it.
I mean, it's just the way it is.
If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will.
Without loving ourselves, the chances of finding someone who truly loves us are slim.
Truly slim.
I've yet to meet someone who would prove me wrong on this one.
(If you do know someone, please tell me the story. I would love-love to know.)

So.
For those who don't speak Estonian, I'm truly sorry for the lack of translating.

But the bottomline is.
Compare yourself to yourself, the rest is empty and meaningless.

Build yourself stronger, because if we're honest, it's the only place we will ever find refuge.

Yours truly.
M.


These are taken and edited from www.alkeemia.ee 

Piisavas enesearmastuses elav inimene:

•    adekvaatne enesehinnang
•    ennast väärtustav
•    on võtnud 100%vastutuse oma elu eest
•    usub enda võimetesse ja vajalikkusesse
•    langetab otsuseid armastuse, usalduse ja rahu pinnalt
•    maailma suhtes avatud meeltega
•    tunnetab oma tegevuse väärtust ise
•    vaimselt ja füüsiliselt terve, positiivsust kiirgav, energiat andev
•    tunnetab armastust endas ja kiirgab seda
•    on ennast kehtestav
•    on orienteeritud koostööle
•    tajub ressursside paljusust ja tõmbab enda ellu kõik vajaliku

Kui olete seda tüüpi, et teil on just raske asju lõpule viia, siis loobuge meelelahutusest seni, kuni teete asja lõpuni-esitate ära-annate üle ja teadvustage eneses see tunne, kui saite tehtu valmis enne tähtaega, õigeks ajaks või saite positiivse tagasiside osaliseks.

Hakake end võrdlema endaga mitte teistega.
Kas te olete täna armastavam, hellem, mõistvam kui olite aasta tagasi?
Kas mõistate oma sõnade, tegude, suhtumise tagajärgi endale ja teistele täna selgemalt kui aasta tagasi?

Kas teete iga päev midagi väikest, mis näitab, et oskate ennast hoida – leiate aega korralikuks lõunaks, sööte tervislikku toitu, kannate õiget rõivastenumbrit ja teile sobivat stiili, kas väljendate nii oma sõnas kui mõttes tänulikkust selle kõige eest, mis Teie elus täna võrreldes eilsega paremini on?

Kui hakkate tegelema teiste inimeste asemel endaga, võite märgata peatselt kolme olulist muutust –
- teie enesetunne hakkab tõusma
- teie tervis muutub paremaks
- teie suhete kvaliteet muutub rahuldustpakkuvamaks.

See kõik tekib hetkest, mil te otsustate, et Teie ise olete oma elu peaosas, võimeline selle kõiki aspekte soovi korral muutma ning õpite nautima oma elu ilusaks loomise vastutust, millega kaasenevad suurenenud vabaduse-, õnne- ja rahutunne.

my day

I'm so pleased with myself right now.

With love.
LOLCATS.
M.

linear lives

I wrote this in August.

The Universe is so giving.
It’s us that choose wrong.
We ask for things we don’t need, or think we want but don’t. Things we might have been conditioned to want, but we want them anyway. And the universe will provide. Of course it will provide, because how could it not. It’s the universe, man.
And then we sulk, and despair, and the rest. But not because fate or whatever is cruel, but because we chose wrong. We asked wrong. Like a fairytale.
We chose wrong.
If you want something enough, you will get it. So how do you know what you actually want?
Or is it like bingo?
You gamble.
Trial and error.

Well this deserves nothing but a big, fat, LOL. Trial and error. That can’t be right, can it?
Hey, mighty universe, I’m just gonna TRY OUT these few things.
Thanks. Wink. 

And now spring is coming.
And I'm home.
And I'm really in a very different place compared to August, which was big big hot mess, let's be honest. Everything just ground to a halt and the mill for some reason stopped turning.
But I am so so balanced where I am now, compared to then.
And for this, I am grateful.

I don't yet know what anything means to be honest, but I'm really learning to like it. And considering the fact I have always been the girl with the plan, I'm proud of that.

Because if I don't yet know what to ask from the Universe, I'm better not going to ask anything at all.

Careful what you wish for.
M.

nature

“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.”

—	Sri Ramana Maharshi

lemon jelly

Absolutely in love right now.
This is exactly the sort of beat I need in my life currently.
Thank you to the music list the pretty one wrote for me in 2006.

The right thing, at the right time.

Lemon jelly.
M.

i know you're right behind me

Lykke Li, again, and again, and again.

Yesterday the night before tomorrow.
M.

turn right, or turn wrong

i've been thinking about this wrong
i've been thinking about singing wrong
cause i've always thought that at the point where i would rather not breathe, singing is not gonna improve anything, that it will just highlight what i can't do, or what i should be doing better.
BUT.
it's wrong.
singing is just the thing i'll need to do then, because all i need to do is follow what's already been written down for me.
that's all.
so simple, so clear-cut, so straight, in every way. so comforting, so steady and stable.
so clean. so clear.
so transparent.
so sure. and unchanging.
feet on the ground, something to latch on to.

i've been thinking about this wrong, i think.
M.

surround

the right people
the power of surrounding yourself with the right people
the right people for you
the people who make you feel something
the people who inspire you
or that you admire, and/or respect
one would be a colossal idiot to underestimate that power

and all those things we'd like to be or do, or even look like, but don't because of outward disapproval, is just bullshit.
there's a line between consideration and bullshit.

inspirational people.
who are my inspirational people?
who inspires me?

if you'd observe your life, as if it's not yours, what would you say to you?
as that person, as that surrounding factor, as an inspiration - what would you say.
what is that advice or the influence that is lacking.
and why not be that for yourself.
external, outward

i am not my mother
i am not my father
i am not my siblings, or my friends
all i am is me, whatever that is
i am me

I don't like being toned-down.
M.


ps. if I'd be that external influence, I'd say not to be scared of making decisions, and being in charge of a decision.
make my own decisions
not float along with other people's decisions, or wait for them to make one.

 

9 good reasons

Saturday morning made me laugh.
I got a trolley bus home from town, at 08.03am, clear as a sunshiny day.
And it made me laugh, so very much. That whole situation.
And I think I giggled the whole way.
I was wearing a hat, and I wasn't cold.

The whole night was meant to end at 2am, when the right person asked me why I'm going the wrong way.
And then the smoky chats about the state of the arts, specific advice how to further my career, suburban slang, who would eat cats or dogs, how to raise your pigs, benefits of working in a gold mine in Australia, what makes an Estonian, lovely kind people, double-straws, wet feet dancing, shouting "SAY MY NAAAME!" whilst dancing with said wet feet, then the bean bag jumping, and the squealing, and the Cosmos, and the leftover Cosmo shots, and the morning, and the "Ich liebe" to Tallinn, and the 7.30am empty bottles to the bins.
This week just gone was incredible.

(Friday. what is that sparkle?
Ps, I promise I don't actually have a facial expression as unpleasant as that. My Dell snapshot central does that to me. And it's slightly hideous.
So for now, for the lack of a better face/expression, my apologies.)

 

And now I made pasta for dinner. I don't make good pasta and this was good.

And I replaced my old phone that just refused to work anymore.
And out of love, the old one is being repaired.
And the new one is nice.
As was the pasta.
So much nice, it's coming out of my ears.

I want to be a man, and I want to be the Count of Monte Cristo.
M.

the rightest bit of wrong

 



As long as there is the sea. The beautiful, beautiful, unforgettable, indescribable, beautiful sea.
As long as there is sauce to talk about. Plenty of sauce.
As long as we have our health.
As long as we will not say “no” to everything the universe has got to offer.
As long as there is all this, it simply must be okay.



As long as there are iced coffees down by the harbour.
As long as there is someone to talk to.
As long as the summers will come again.
As long as there are books, and music.
As long as there's sand in your shoes and a map.
As long as there champagne and skinny dips.
As long as there is CHANCE, for whatever.
As long as there is room to breath and room to change.
As long as there are roots.
As long as there is strength to keep feeling.

The Devil (still) does not play fair.
But if we take a chance every now and then, we might throw him off. M.