flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

gun

i'll be the smoothest thing to touch your skin

Emiliana Torrini and Gun.

Musique.M.

first

First morning, and first evening.

Let this year unravel.

Exactly two months till I turn 25.

And I have every intention of taking this by the balls.

Let this year bring Light.

Imma sleep now, last night was madness, today was Joy and now I'm just calm.

Good night, darlings.

Yours truly.

01.01.2014

M.

perfect

This is a post about perfection.

Okay, so when I was a 5-year-old, my dad asked me why I use the word "hate".
You know, like kids do it, "I hate this", "I hate that", "I hate peas", et cetera.
So he said, why not say "dislike".
He told me the word "hate" had a lot of negative energy, for me and for others, using a word that strong, that powerful.
So I dropped it, and I don't use it.
I just don't.
I rarely, rarely - rarely - close enough to almost say "never", feel strong enough to "hate" anything, at all.
Strong dislike? Sure.
Hate? No.

I will now.
I hate this search for "perfect", or "perfection".
I hate it.
The Perfect Wedding, the Perfect Man, the PERFECT holiday, the PERFECT dress, the PERFECT hair, the PERFECT PERFECTION.
Seriously.

(.. keep going with me.)

The thing is.
To seek perfection or to seek The Perfect person or state, implies that at some point we get to stop working, and stop growing.
It implies that at some point change will stop occurring.
Therefore, it implies the arrival of stagnation.
Blissful (I'm sure), yet stupid stagnation.
Almost like a catatonic state.

The question is not whether "perfect" exists in this world or not.
I don't care.
The point is that we simply do not - and honestly do not - need it.
We don't need it.
It does us no good.
No good, at all, as living, breathing, sweating, bleeding human beings.
We are alive.
This implies not being stagnant! Ever.
Stagnation in human beings implies a flat-line.
No heartbeat, no blood pressure, no cells growing, and renewing.
Perfection makes us strive for a goal, an end-point, when we really should have two eyes focused on the journey.
This magical, awesome, brilliant journey.
Also called Life.
There is no "perfect", there is no end point.

There is just the boundless giving random-ness of the great Universe kaleidoscope.

Perfect has nothing to do with it.


It's like this phrase: Picture Perfect.
But you know what? It's also un-alive.
And I come at this as someone who has the highest regard for the art of photography, photographers and photos.
I really do value it as an art and respect it, but real life?
Real life is not picture perfect.
This endless talk about - this looks perfect, and that looks perfect.
Fine for selling something, an advertisement, or dolls, and of course snapshots of our memories.
But we cannot be Picture Perfect because we are alive.
And that is magical.
And I don't see why anyone would ever want to change that.
Change the magic of being alive for giving into the hunt for this rigidity.

We are alive, so alive.
Perfection cannot be duplicated.
Maybe newborns are perfect?
Maybe the fact that the sun rises and sets, is perfect?
Maybe flower-like frost on a window, is perfect?
Or maybe laughing till you cry with friends?
But it cannot be manufactured.
It happens.
Maybe it exists after-all.
But to chase it would be certain death for the living cell.

It just Is.
We just Are.

So let's just Be.

Yours truly.
Love and light, as always.
M.

always this way

And may I   a l w a y s   be this way.

I hope you've had a most lovely weekend.
I know mine has been.
(Covered in paint and loveliness.)

Tomorrow is a day to get over being snotty, sort some stuff for a work meeting on Wednesday and you know. Blah blah = life.
Point is, I wanna be covered in paint some more, and I wanna sing.

Yours truly.
M.

cake joy

I feel this truly is one of the purest forms of joy.

Cake.
M.


This was with E.
She didn't have cake tho.
Otherwise it would have been DOUBLE-cake-joy.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

in your nature

Baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you

Let's have fun, kids.
M.

MUSIC

Oh my JESUS what new FRESH music does to me!
My spleen has been doing an excited dance for a few hours now!
And it's SO NICE.
Hello, spring, hello, doing things, and hello, no fear.

I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new ageI'm Radioactive, Radioactive

Radioactive.
M.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.

are you a noun?

Or are you a verb?

Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.
- Stephen Fry

So, therefore - are you a noun, or are you a verb?

I absolutely agree with this.
I said to A. some time ago that I was finding saying "I'm a singer" really very problematic for some reason.

I much prefer.
i sing
i write
i observe
i teach
i dance
i act
i draw

i travel
i adventure
i see
i laugh
i make mayhem
i cut hair

Whatever.

Be verbs.
M.

kawasaki

Audrey Kawasaki.

There's just something really-really very-very in her images.

images. 
M.

retrograde

So, apparently Mercury has been in retrograde for quite a while now, and shall remain like this until the 17th of March. (Potential after-effects till the 6th of April.)

This is meant to come with a period of high intuition, lots of awesome coincidences but also the chance of our plans not working out the way we hoped.
This period is good for rethinking, rewriting and reviewing. Not good for big solid decisions.
And it usually comes with a big old sprinkling of chaos.
So basically, don't take things personally, meet up with old friends and - as a dear, dear, dear friend said to me years ago - trust yourself to chance, and see what happens.

This blogger/designer/persona Audrey Kitching has written an article about how to ride this wave.
For those of you who feel it, read it.
I'm gonna figure out whether I sense it or whether is it just the fact that it's the time around my birthday.

Either way, makes for an interesting google session.

http://audrey.buzznet.com/photos/20waystosurvivemercu/

Mercury.
M.


And a shot of Audrey.

clear out

Today I am being productive and doing something that I've been putting off for a while - the "big clear out".

My boxes should be arriving from LDN today so I'm equally super excited but also aware that I was to make a lot of space. So I'm just sorting through all my belongings in TLN to see whether I actually need any of them. And so far so good.
The bin bags are filling and it honestly feels like it's easier to breathe.

And of course my favourite t-shirt with Edward Cullen is helping me out.
Thanks, clothing item.

Make your own air.
M.

5 years of blog

Happy birthday, my blog!

5 years ago on the 19th of February I wrote my first blog post on this address.
And it was so very different.

The first post was called "raindrops and moonlight", and back then I was writing in Estonian.
I was feeling unwell and reading some Estonian poetry.
Not very different, apart from just how melancholic the tone is. Just crazy, imagining thinking like this now.
I'm ecstatic to realise that some of the things I really yearned for back then, I've reached by now. Kudos, self.
And I was eating this chocolate. I think dad sent it from home.
And I was looking forward to the arrival of spring.

So some things never change.
M.

bare bones

I don't like Rihanna's image and I don't like the vast majority of her music.
This, however, is not in that category, at all.
On the contrary.

I threw my hands in the air I said show me something

Something in the way you move.
M.

useful

I really really really should get one of those parka things. They just really really inspire me to feel useful, yet comfy. What an awesome mix of feelings to have.

Today is for lunch. AEM and I are going to this fancy pub place, that looks like a pub but the inside is everything but. We used to go quite a lot when we were still at university. We always sit at the same table. It's such a nice understated setting and then the stuff that leaves the kitchen makes you go - whaaat? Cause it's just immaculate. So he decided to get us a table for 1:30pm today and since we're in the area we're gonna go see some friends at uni. So hooray, for a nice day!





I've also been a good little cookie and almost sorted my UK-phone/phonenumber issue. Hopefully I'll get that battle over tomorrow which will be a huge tick in a huge box.

Happy Saturday, everyone!
M.

miss

I will miss my life here so much.
I will miss the people.
I will miss AEM so much it feels like I'm going to crack a rib.

I will miss.

But life is all about choices, and I'm making mine.
M.

time

I have time.
Okay, yes, it's constantly reducing, but still, I have time.

I have time.
To live a life that I've chosen for myself.
To do the things I want to do.
To decide
To change
To learn
To grow
To laugh
And dance
And travel
And adventure
To see
To hear
To taste
To touch

And I can only do this for myself.
I cannot convince anyone else of anything, unless they want to do it or want to be convinced.
February is for making sure I do the best I can with me, and leave others to do their own growing, and whatever.
And there's plenty I want to do with me. Things to decide and find out and explore and, just so much.

I have time.
Use it well.

Here's to time.
M.

(I think I dreamt something weird.)