always this way

And may I   a l w a y s   be this way.

I hope you've had a most lovely weekend.
I know mine has been.
(Covered in paint and loveliness.)

Tomorrow is a day to get over being snotty, sort some stuff for a work meeting on Wednesday and you know. Blah blah = life.
Point is, I wanna be covered in paint some more, and I wanna sing.

Yours truly.
M.

last days of summer

Hello, 4th of September.
The nights have got really cold, but today was super nice.
So we were pretending it's still summer.

Happy pretend-summer.

Yours truly.
M.

Tuesday

This was "Tuesday".

My mood carried on being so good, it was a little bit criminal.
And it has kind of spread its tentacles into today as well.
Which is nice, of course.

So today is gig-time!
It's almost 2:30pm, so I have 2 hours to sort my stuff.

I need to pack, make sure I have everything, and shower.
And eat.
After yesterday I literally looked like I genuinely live inside a cave-hole-thing.
It's time to sort that.

Happy Wednesday.
M.

my visuals

So far, so good.
These are just a few photos from the past few days.

Sunday was the Estonian Independence Day so a big national celebration here. And so me, and dad+Mrs went to see the flag raised at sunrise (7:33am) and then because I am just so full of good ideas we ended up going for breakfast at like, just before 8am. Pancakes, juice and coffee. And had some really lovely chats.

And then today, because it was sunny, I wore sunglasses (E. reminded me of this option. And that suited me juuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.)

(And there's two more pictures from Sunday. One is this fit chocolate cake I made, that had our "Tall Hermann" tower on it. So proud of my artistic flare, a la mothertrucking icing sugar. And I loved mum's table setting colours so papped that too.)

Visuals. 
M.

morning

It's been a good slow morning. And the weather is really nice, so I would like to go out for a walk, but I do have some boxes to weigh.
So I'm still trying to figure out what to do with today.

But for now, it's a giant breakfast and Grey's Anatomy time.

Have a nice Friday.
M.

Maria's day out

Yesterday.
It was lovely to be out and about. Seriously lovely.
AJ and I went for some lunch in Vapiano, which is my fave in Tallinn, Stockholm and London. And then for some tea and cake.
I got a new mascara which I've been meaning to do for about, 2-3 weeks. It's a Rimmel one so all new for me. It's meant to be "extremely black" so we'll see.

Town was nice, nice and wintery. But it just reminded me why I want to move. The actual mass of people just tired me out so much. The pace, and the noise, and the amount of people.
I bumped into one of my mates from school right outside Oxford Circus station, which is actually like a needle in a very large haystack.
So pros and cons, you know. Seeing him just reminded me how many people I know in this city that I haven't seen in so so long, but then the place itself has kind of lost its magic for me. For now.

I have an actual to-do list today.
And I plan to do all those things, with the help of AC/DC.

Hooray for to-do-lists.
M.

breakfast

I stayed over-night at E's. Which meant getting up with her, which meant getting up at 7AM.
Okay, for those of you who have actual jobs that follow an actual schedule, this won't sound ridiculous.
However, I don't have that schedule. Last time I would've followed something like this was school. And not even my banterous London highschool days, but we're talking back before 2006.
Also, I'm not one of the early-bird people, I don't think. I like being up late. But then again, everything's a habit. Regardless of whether this is habitual or natural, I'm not a morning person.

Due to all of these reason, this morning is absolutely out of the ordinary. The 7am, the 8.50 breakfast and you know. The fact that I feel like I've been awake for quite some times at 9.40 (when I wouldn't usually be even up yet).
I'm sat in this place called Reval Cafe right in the heart of Tallinn. Some trivia for ya: Reval is the old name of Tallinn.
And I've had an omelette which was great and some green tea, infused with some fruity stuff, I think.

So there you go.
My breakfast time, in town, early morniiiing.

And as always I'll say, I will do this more often, and as ever, I won't.

But I'm always really hopeful.
M.

(y'know, just chilling with some limestone walls, some tea, and my trusty, trusty reindeer.)

if in doubt....

...GET SOME EXCITING PLANS OUT.
(This is currently the stage of unofficial excitement.)

But more about this later on.


So.
I noticed that for some reason I have started giving myself the worst possible chance of success.
Because "if it's easy, it's not worth it"? (big fat whatever, doesn't actually matter "why", to be honest..)

one day.
it would take me one day to catch up with everything that's lagging right now.
just one day.
and I've been putting off this one day for like, what, a week? More than a week?
It's ridiculous. and just a whole separate level of sheer stupidity.
and if I don't catch up, it will give me more reasons, more excuses later on, to say why something didn't go like this or like that.
it's like I'm cushioning my own failure, ALREADY.
So as opposed to saying "heck, I tried, I really tried", I'd have to opportunity to say "weelllll, there was thiiiis, there was thaaaat... blah, blah, blah"
Madness.

Why not have a fresh cup of screw-you, aaand actually help myself?
Why not just for once give myself the ultimate best chance of success? And not turn myself into this pitiful charity case? (which I'm SO not.)
Why not?
What is this fear of failure?
Cause surely, every goal is just a step in itself, not a finite point. So okay, yeah, whatever, you failed at point A, but then there's point B, and point C, and point D, and (surprise-surprise!) point E, you catch my drift. So surely, preparation for each point only makes it better for the next one. And these points don't end at Z. They end when our lives end, because that's the point. You go, go, go, go, go, go. You do things, until you don't.
Fear of failure... Why? And failing at what?
(loads of noises indicating "being irritated".)

So fear of failure is just so. f*cking. stupid.
(and also very aggravating stuff.)

ps. I'm going to read this tomorrow morning. Maybe out loud, for good measure.
Peace out.

helping yourself
M.

maybe

Maybe it's too much - these big cities.

I mean, why are all these people here?
I went down to the shops today, and on my way to our microcosm I must have seen at least 20 different nationalities?
Not an anthropological experiment, but a trip to the bank, and then to the shops.
20 nationalities. At least.

Why are they all here?
I know why I am here.
Why are they all here?
But it was nice today.
I decided to smile at everyone basically. Not annoyingly though - just had a look about me that implied that I was not going to stab or shoot anyone at all (that is what "smiling at people" means here, most of the time. And okay, it depends where you are, and everything. Whatever.)
I had a chat with this girl, about her coat. (Leopard print. Turned out it was from H&M.)
Then I went to some Polish shop that I passed and got some nice tomato-and-pepper sauce.

There is an interesting play called "San Diego", by ...I've completely forgotten, and for the sake of this argument doesn't really matter (David Craig maybe?), anyway - an interesting play, "San Diego".
Amongst other things, it talks about ideas of belonging, and placement/displacement.
There's a bit in it where he discusses the amount of people a human mind can actually fully comprehend, as a microcosm of living together.
I seem to remember the number was 250.
Two hundred, and fifty.
That's the number of people at which the human mind still fully grasps its community.


Maybe it is too much.
M.