break

So.

Where am I up to so far.

Spring is here.
And I plan to have May (and June definitely as well) as months where I don't worry about "the future". The ever elusive entity.

Months where I let the beginning of this year, all this so far, sink in, slowly and softly, steadily, and calmly.
Just. sink. in.
And this plan is solid.

I want to calm down.
I want to not-stress and I want to not-worry.


There's this idea swimming around at the moment of enrolling at the Academy here.
I wasn't sure at first but I'm really really warming to this idea.
I went out last night with Keiu, to this old shipyard, where house music legend Marshall Jefferson was hitting the beats.
The whole place looked amazing and the crowd was really excellent.
Really a different side of Tallinn and new to me.
And as I was there, dancing away, I thought of the Academy and all these other things I could do in Estonia.
And suddenly it just felt so right, and awesome, and excellent.
I've had my heart set on staying home for some time now, but I haven't really understood....the hows and whys and wheres and you know. The rest of it.
And now I feel like Reason has caught up with Intuition.
Welcome onboard, son!



I want to enjoy the fact that I'm alive, I want to enjoy that I have this mind and spirit and body, and I want to enjoy that I'm home and it's spring.

I want my insides to feel happy.

That's all.

Oh, and I want this dress below.
Thankxxx.

Peace out, all your lovely people.
Follow your own measures of right and wrong.
Necessary and unneccesary.
And when something doesn't feel right - DON'T DO IT.
When something is giving you crazzyyy fear or panic - DON'T DO IT.
Just stop for a bit, figure out what is causing you all this pain and suffering, and then carry on.
There is no deadline, no opinion or no anything more important and valuable than You and your health and your well-being.
Keep your heart strong, keep your heart happy and the rest will work itself out.
But with a fearful heart, with a sad heart you cannot get to the right things anyway.
Stop jumping over your own shadow.

Here's some photos of Slavic babes.

Love, always.
Yours truly.
M.

costume

Hejj!

✿ It's May!! ✿ ♥ ☼


So.
I've got this big gala coming up on Sunday, YAY!
The teacher I'm working with, Paolo, it's an opera gala with a big bunch of his super awesome students singing at it.
And me.
Like people from the Latvian National, and these awesome competitions, et cetera.
And me.
SO COOL!
I just started studying with him beginning of December and he is amazing.
And this concert is gonna be so much fun!
I was so stressed about it and un-zhuzhed beginning of the week but the excitement has returned.

So I'm still ill, but I had our first lesson today (Paolo lives in Italty so he comes here every few months) and it was super awesome!
And now I'm going to google-inspire myself in terms of the costume for Sunday.
Basically - I've got two outfits.
_one is just a concert dress, formal.
_second is a more casual costume for Zerlina, the peasant girl, who ends up getting quite down and dirty with Don Giovanni - and this I currently don't have.

Therefore I'm channeling cute milkmaid.
Or like, lolita-esque free nature spirit girl.
Simple.

So inspiration away, ahoy!

Peace out, happy first of May!
Yours truly.

M.

giving life

I'm working through my old drafts.
And this one I wrote in May.

I guess there was always gonna come a time for these thoughts.

I've always lived a very career-driven life.
If life would've been a little different somehow, family would've been the thing to drive me.
It was just such an unexpected feeling.

**
..And it was good for me to finally say it out loud, that I want a family, I want children and that I want to be a mother.

And then one of my Ones got pregnant, which literally shifted so many things.

So.
All I'm saying is, I think giving life is a wonderful thing.
A wonderful potential spinning at the very core of all things.
A wonderful space, a potent void for SOMETHING, you know.
Something where there was nothing.
So therefore we can never really run out of hope, I think.

Magic.
That is actual magic.

(I'm just going to carry on browsing my old post drafts.)

Be kind.
With love.M.

An illustration from a book of songs.

spring

And so spring continues, with ever-growing steps.
I don't really understand that June is 2 weeks away.
When
and
how
did
this
happen

It was cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, and now it's two weeks till June.
And I really need to kick this real estate thing into gear.

And these flowers below are amazing.y

Spring, time for doing things.
M.

b r e a k

Spring is here, it's official.
And with the arrival of actual spring comes the arrival of my need for interesting things, or new things, or whatever. Something to touch me and change me and entice me and so forth.
To shift, and shape, and just CHANGE, thanks.

Spring is prime time for the restless souls amongst us.
It gives comfort, whilst creating more of the restlessness.
Double combo.
But it's nice. (what a hideous word)
It's a time when being restless is okay.
Truly okay.
And settling has been forgotten for the season.
That is simply not an option.

No one asks nature if it wants to stay the same. It is not an option.
Spring just happens, and does its thing.
Perfect time for the restless to relish.

Actually, ..I've just thought of this.
Maybe that's why spring has always, always, always been my favourite season.
Not even my "favourite season" just, The Time to Exist, you know?
It's not about a favourite, not about preference.
It
just
is

And this is why autumn always makes me..twitchy.
Because the time for things to stop and freeze is coming.
The stagnation season.
It does horrible things to my insides.

But for now.
This is not the thing.
Spring is the thing.
And I get immense comfort from the true arrival of this Time.
The unstoppable melting, and breaking out, and the energy and the boundless freedom of changing.

b r e a k.
M.

today

Always with dem boxes.

It's time to write up some concert programs, like a bad-ass.

Peace.
M.

pink

Pink wine and pink whatever.
Good food and great company.
And great conversation.

The cat's still struggling and I'm still worrying. And trying not to.

Fingers crossed for more sleep than 49 minutes last night.
Send all your love to my cat, please, please.

Thanks.

Pink.
M.

engine

A while ago I started this post about feeling like I turned the engine off.
I mean, a long long while.
It's a shame I don't remember the date, I like to place these things in a linear context. (Way in 2012 I think. October, November?)

And let's be honest - I'm still here. I'm still at a place where the engine is still off.
Like, I used to be SO driven it was crazy.
I don't necessarily want to be like that again, but I want some of it back, so so bad.

I'm not even going to try and figure out what happened, or where did it go.
Did i get scared? Whatever.

Truth is, everything we either look forward to, or everything we are afraid of, it all comes from within ourselves. So it's pointless running.
Cause it's based right here, in my pasty-looking pretty little head.

We project and we receive.
Project different and you receive different.

So why don't I want anything?
You see the thing is, it's really really starting to annoy me.
I want to do things, and look forward to things, but something is not clicking to place.
And it's making me sad, cause it's spring and you know. Spring yayy! Should be the time everyone usually gets super excited.

Ramble-y Tuesday lunchtime.
But whatever.
Where there's a question, you'll receive an answer.
I hope.

Turn. 
it.
on.
M.

spring

Happy spring, guys!
1st of April always marks the actual arrival for me.
Even if the weather this year is really not communicating spring in any way, 1st of April means business.

And so, my sweets, I wish you a super 1st of April.
I hope you get nice jokes and pranks, that include getting chocolates, or compliments, or surprises.

Spring is coming, ride the wave, trust the process.

Peace and love.
M.

today

And today my lighter brown hair with ginger ends is going!
I'm going to the Spaniards now to dye some hair. I'll do hers, she'll do mine.

And the ginger ends will be no longer.
Not till summer at least.
I need some contrast around my face.

Somehow this makes me feel like I'm battling the elongated winter better.
We shall see in a few hours - fingers crossed I'll emerge a new warrior lol-cat wolf.

Have a happy Saturday!
M.

noisy

Self-explanatory.

Look at some trees, look at some clouds.
Spring is coming, so ground yourself in whatever makes you feel peaceful.

I'm planning everything on Monday.
And that's my plan for now.

Noisy-noisy.
M.

balance

Unproductive Friday alert.

I think the thing is that my decisions are finally sinking in.
The fact that I'm here in TLN, that I'm home, and that I have no clue about anything - that is finally sinking in.
And of course rationally I know this is super positive. And super brave.

But on the other hand, I am so used to living my life according to plans and schedules and deadlines and goals. Which is good. But if you start following goals for the sake of following goals things become very hollow.
So no more goals for now. Personal goals yes, career goals, I'm going to calm down. Or have already calmed down.

And so, it is sinking in. This new, completely alien way of being and breathing and thinking. And these things come in waves, as always.
This is the way it always goes.
It gets easier, it gets harder, then it gets easier again, this is the way the cookie crumbles.

But for some reason riding the wave this time is harder than before.

What I really want is to find a place, get away and find peace. Re-find the peace and balance.

But.
Spring is coming.
And with spring comes the ideal time to melt. And melting is hard.
So I will keep my eyes on the prize and I will keep my belief that things will get better.
Because that is all anyone can do, ever.

I hope you're peaceful and balanced and having a lovely sunny Friday.

Melt.
M.

sthlm

So, here are some photos from my adventurous travels to STHLM.

My trusty trusty friend!!!
A. found this as we were eating some delicious soup, with her dad, in Sturekatten,
STHLM's oldest cafe. And me and this map didn't part ways from that moment on. I LOVE MAPS.

Such divine springtime it was craaazy! King's Castle on the left (out of the shot).
Ooh, I also saw the King, driving by. I waved. 

Bromma is my absolute favourite STHLM airport.
It's small, very quiet and it's a 17 minute bus journey to the very centre of town.

Frozen frozen frozen (view just before landing in STHLM)

A's DIVINE pad, and I mean, DIVINE.

Me and A accidentally wearing the exact same outfit.
Because why not. Different clothing is over-rated.

Basically all I did in town this time was walk about, a lot.
A had her lectures and stuff, so I took the time to get to know STHLM.
I don't know about you, but I find walking around in a new city so relaxing and equally as exciting.
Lana was keeping my ears company, and the weather was just ridiculous.
Me and the ducks had a great time.

The textbook STHLM centre-parting that I always go for - I just heart blending into the local crowd.
And A's parka, that just makes me feel like I'm on a mission, or being highly useful.

Do you not like a plane that looks like a private jet?
Just me and my 10 friends..flying to TLN.
"Holla!" for short Nordic flights.

daily reminder

Just a little daily reminder.
Especially now that spring is coming, and the air is so different and fresh and new.

It's so tempting to run with the spring madness, which of course I plan to do, but sometimes it's nicer to stop and breathe.

Happy Saturday!

Always.
M.

cape

A. gave me a cape.
I literally felt like Batman.
It was pretty awesome.

Can't wait for spring to find a Batmobile and hit the town.

Cape.
M.


Sorry for the marvellous quality.

back

Hello, sweets, I'm baack!

Back from some super springtime travels.
Which were super.

Just, I'm not feeling this vibe, you know. As in, I'm not feeling any vibe at the moment, to be honest.
I don't really know what this is, but honestly, I have to get to the bottom of this because it's like eating me inside out. Not very pleasant.
Especially after 5 awesome days in STHLM which the most brilliant spring weather.

I don't know whether this is growing pains (http://marriiialistra.blogspot.com/2012/11/november-is-nearly-finished_5928.html) or what? If it's growing pains, I'll take it, embrace it and run with it. If it's something else, I'm confused.
This better be the end of Mercury being in Retrograde.

And now E just changed the GAME!
So my crap-est day of this year so far (I kid you not) will now end at her penthouse heaven, with a 6-pack of Corona beers, 2 limes, tortilla chips and garlic dip, and Macdo. YES.
I mean, YES. If in doubt, get this plan out!
I mean, life saving SWAT-team, 1-2-3.

And now, it's magically midnight. And the day is officially over.
I started this post this morning, and I've successfully made it through this day. With no fights, no bleeding or broken bones, no loans or car crashes or anything, or unnecessary questions.
So pleased.

E. has gone to sleep and I'm all tucked it, writing.
I feel so relaxed that it's almost divine.
And so, once again, the saying comes to mind that "everything passes". At the times when everything is exceptionally good, this is a hard thing to think about. However, under the opposite circumstances, this is nice and balmy.

So, as I said, I'm back.
I'm back from my travels and I'm going to hold on to my STHLM energy with teeth and nails and not let it slip away into nothing. I want it and I need it and I deserve it and I owe it to myself.
Armed with this I could get stuff done, and that is what I want.

My STHLM adventures and photos coming soon.

I truly hope you've had a more peaceful time with the old Mercury.

With love.
M.


Something from A. to bring cheer to my day.

sthlm

So it's my last night in Stockholm and I'm watching Lord of the Rings, the first one, and A's making vegetable soup.
Tomorrow, my flight leaves at 3pm and then it's back to TLN.

This has been an awesome visit, and a strange one at the same time.
But the awesomeness outweighs the strangeness ten-ten-ten-fold.

The awesomeness.
IT'S SPRING HERE.
I mean, honestly.
There's a photo below of one of the bridges in the centre of town, going towards Gamla Stan, the old town. And the sea/river thing is free of ice! I mean, free of ice! As a Norseman, this makes me so happy I was just stood there yesterday, staring like a seagull or something.
And A's flat is like, beyond superb. It's white, and practical, and cosy and just like, SUPER. Honestly. Again, Maria wants a nest, vol. 2000.

And it's been a highly highly educational visit, in so many ways. But more of that later on.

You live and you learn. And the important things anyway are friends, and homes and spring!! Which will always come again.
And feeding ducks, and parks, and music, and smiling at strangers, and being open to stuff, and seeing the King (which I did, by the way), and I don't even know.
The important things which we sometimes think about.
But that's stupid.
And a waste of time.

So as spring approaches, I won't forget.

With love.
M.

les femmes

Women, I think you are all magnificent creatures. 

Happy your day to you, women here and there!

Mothers, and sisters, and daughters, and wives, and girlfriends and girl friends, and teachers, and lawyers, and busdrivers, and waitresses, and singers, and dancers and leaders and followers and CEOs and builders and women with lots of children and no children and women who like staying home and those who like going out, women with sweet natures and women with crazy ambitions.
Just
all
women

A tank, a fire and a fountain rolled into one.
Especially now that spring is coming, don't sell yourself short.
If you won't listen to you, no one else will.
If you won't respect you, no one else will.
Spring is such a feminine season so ride it like a pony, or a wave or whatever you fancy, point is, ride it.

Quote of the day, from A.
"Ditto to you wolf woman!
Lol coach of the female universe."

I think you are all awesome, in how much power you all carry, and for just being so HAWT.

Congrats.

Les femmes.M.

Super tacky, but you get the point.



This is what I was actually looking for.

spring

My mega Soviet romantic nostalgia photo, from yesterday.

I love it.
It reminds me of my childhood.
I like the sharp lines (maybe that's why I'm a fan of them anyway).
(And no, it doesn't actually look like that, the suburbs are really green.)

Just so much sky.

Happy spring.
M.

change

Patterns.
We need them, they are in our veins because it is simply good for survival.
But sometimes our human nature doesn't understand whether a pattern is good or bad. A pattern is a pattern and if you repeat it enough times, it becomes us.

It's good to notice patterns. Some of them we could do without, others are quite useful.
But I think it makes life a whole bunch easier and more satisfying in the long run to recognise our own patterns.
Patterns of speech, patterns of behaviour, emotional patterns that we sometimes believe is actually our "character". This is messy work at first, but doable.

Of course you can ask, why? Why would anyone want to do this?

For those who are really truly inherently happy with the way your lives are going and your everyday being, the answer is, you don't need this, and feel free to scroll down.
However, from personal experience, I was doing well and I was "fine", but then I decided "fine" isn't good enough. I want to live my life in a way that makes me feel that I'm in the drivers seat.
Of course there are other people in this traffic madness, so I will simply never know everything. But when it comes to me, and my decisions, I now know they are mine. Not habit, not safety, not what I'm used to.

Noticing our own patterns eradicates this sense of "someone" being mean to us, or "life being unfair" or "fate dealing a crap hand". This external force that (it sometimes feels) we are fighting against becomes much more manageable, and not so gloomy and vast. Yes, life is unfair, and yes, sometimes the universe does deal a very very crap hand. But now it's our turn to play those cards and could still come out on top.

So for those of you who feel that you could be better at being you, go for it.

After all, that's what spring is for.

With love.
M.