chop wood

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” ~Zen proverb

Friday

Happy Friday, people!

I'm home, and Gordon is keeping me company, with Masterchef USA.
I love that man, and I don't even care.
Eating some cherries and chilling out, in preparation for the concert tonight.
Tonight we're performing in central Estonia, which is where my dad's side of the family is from.
So it's always a little bit like a real home-coming for me.

Last night was hometown gig.
We sung in this biiggg church in Tallinn and it went super well.
Then I ended up at the Spaniard's, asleep, filing my nails, which are now PINKKKK.
I also had some pizza.
And I also watched an hour and a half of the worst horror movie I have ever seen in my life.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995863/
Why I watched this, I cannot say.

Almost time to go and chit-chat with the pretty one, before heading off.

If I'm honest with you, I'm really looking forward to having the time to go and adventure freely.
I'm really, really enjoying the tour this summer. I've managed to steal some real relaxation time here and there, so it's so much better than last year.
When I officially turned into a psychopath.

So, happy Friday, everyone!
Have a super start to your weekend.

With love.
M.

And I want to analyse this and concentrate on it soon.

a lonely life

First of all, hello, all!
I'm back from "the South".
3 gigs later, I'm back.

They all went supremely well.
3 PACKED churches.
I'm so grateful, I truly am.
So the only thing to do is to stay super thankful, humble and work my balls off.

But I just have to say - it is a lonely life.
The guys I'm doing it with have wives and families and stuff.
I come home to the cat.
Love the cat as I do, but y'know..
It's just.
I'm not saying I want a family like tomorrow.
All I am saying is - touring gets sad, because I want to come home and SHARE this stuff you know?
With someone who cares about my existence.

AND I'm not moaning out of thin air - it is such a sharp contrast.
Having a fulll hall, with people literally loving what we're doing, or what I'm doing. You can see the emotion, we feel it and they feel it. And then coming home to nothing.
There was this little girl, who came up to the stage once we had finished just to hug me because "I was so nice".
I mean, seriously.
And then just four walls, my cup of tea and nothing.

This used to really really fuel the very unpleasant sides of my character back in the day.
Now I'm just better, I guess, at dealing with it.
Besides, I hear it coming way from the other side of the hill, which also helps.

And so, I'm going to power on.
Use some of the stuff the Spanish one recommended.
The nice stuff.


We had a picnic the other day, with the Tartu girls.
We chatted for a few hours, had some cheese and cherries and stuff.
It was so very nice.

Share, share, share.
M.

extraordinary

..guts.

I plan to live with extraordinary guts.

But for now, most of this is a mess.
Still.
Old patterns and stuff.
But at the same time I'm trying to be mindful of this mess.
And not think this is the way it's meant to be.
But rather understand that I can change most things, all of us can. (And oh my, I didn't believe this a few years ago.)

Moving home has been truly glorious, but truth is, old context carries old habits. A lot of which I'm not interested in, at all.

I need to remember to always look outwards. (When it's not time to look inwards and only inwards.)

The weather is divine.
I'm gonna go to my cousin's spiritual or just-Being place (whatever people need) and get my head straight.
Then back to Tallinn and I've got a wedding I'm singing at, in this big church. So wonderful that. A wedding. Two people ACTUALLY being brave enough to do it. I have so much respect for that.
Then later on I've got a super exciting meeting and the little opening of this low-key courtyard place.

Happy Saturday.
M.

This is where I'm going today.

this wolf thing

It has really stuck, you know.

And I quite like it.
Using a chosen totem animal, of sorts.
It's kinda weird that the idea of the wolf and I met. I never in a gazillion years would've chosen a wolf, or thought of a wolf.
But now the energy and the resilience it carries really seems to fit like a glove.
So I'm not saying that I'm now going to become a pack animal or a hermit or a whatever, it's just, it's nice to have a symbol. I like tattoos that are symbols, I like finding meaning and significance in things, so having an animal that for me symbolises something about myself is really great.

And again. There are charts with rough birth dates and Native American totem animals.
BUT. You can choose your own.
If there's an animal you have a very strong connection with (stronger than, "yeah, I like kittens") or the opposite - an animal you are afraid of - then there's probably something there.
And this is not about finding the space you fit into, but rather finding an animal that for some reason you share a similar energy with.

And I really like it.

Hooray for wolves.
M.

les femmes

Women, I think you are all magnificent creatures. 

Happy your day to you, women here and there!

Mothers, and sisters, and daughters, and wives, and girlfriends and girl friends, and teachers, and lawyers, and busdrivers, and waitresses, and singers, and dancers and leaders and followers and CEOs and builders and women with lots of children and no children and women who like staying home and those who like going out, women with sweet natures and women with crazy ambitions.
Just
all
women

A tank, a fire and a fountain rolled into one.
Especially now that spring is coming, don't sell yourself short.
If you won't listen to you, no one else will.
If you won't respect you, no one else will.
Spring is such a feminine season so ride it like a pony, or a wave or whatever you fancy, point is, ride it.

Quote of the day, from A.
"Ditto to you wolf woman!
Lol coach of the female universe."

I think you are all awesome, in how much power you all carry, and for just being so HAWT.

Congrats.

Les femmes.M.

Super tacky, but you get the point.



This is what I was actually looking for.

lemon jelly

Absolutely in love right now.
This is exactly the sort of beat I need in my life currently.
Thank you to the music list the pretty one wrote for me in 2006.

The right thing, at the right time.

Lemon jelly.
M.

growing pains

"No"vember is nearly finished.
And it's been a good month. A good month of many more to come.
I like the fact that it doesn't feel like a month just wasted, or time gone by. Because I find that so frustrating.
And I think the ball's rolling down the right slope. Scary, but exciting.
Like, unraveling, but then realising it's actually fine.

This is so tricky to write down, cause all of this is just so vague, and huge, you know?


So.
Growing pains.
It's not meant to be nice.
When do people stop growing?
I posted, a while ago, just this idea - when do people get too old to get lost.
Or like, when do people cross this barrier into adulthood that means no mistakes, no learning, no nothing. No growing.
Just nothing. Just repetition. Repetition of the same patterns, and same actions, and words, and people, and places. The same routine, and the same habits. The same signposts, and roads, and nooks and crannies, and no wonder, no surprise, no gawking at the miracle of life or staring into space thinking how is anything this wonderful. No chances and no fear.
Children are allowed to go through growing pains. You grow. It's what's meant to happen. Your bones, your teeth, your limbs, your lungs, your rib cage, your spine, your lips, your tongue, your fingers. Everything is stretched and distorted, beyond recognition.
The inconvenience of growing. Growing pains. But at the end of it, you're you.
When do we stop growing. Should we stop growing. Or is it just the fear of another set of growing pains? And then another?
People say you can't change. You don't need to. Just evolve. And let others evolve too.
Why should learning and shifting stop?

Growing pains. They indicate that something big is happening. Not that anyone's dying.
Just that big stuff is going down.

Embrace growing pains.
If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't affect you.
Wouldn't it be boring to stop growing in the early 20s? That you race down this highway of frikkin rainbows, and unicorns, and miracles upon miracles and then just stop?
How much more is there to find and discover?
Of course, this is not something that anyone has to do. It's something a lot of people don't want to do, which is fine. All of this is fine. Plenty of people are happy being comfortable, because comfort is nice, and this is logical and if it feels right, it feels right.
All I'm saying is, if it doesn't feel right, it's not right. It's not that you "are not made for this", or you are not "made" for big things, or the little things, or happiness, or sadness, or love, or adventures, or being happy in your skin, or being on someone else's skin. It's that you aren't there yet. But if you ask the right question, the answer always comes.
So many people get scared. I'm one of them. The front-runner of the Fear Regiment. Seriously. But so what? All of this is scary.
But I won't be one of the people who just stops.
Life's too short, and the world's too interesting.
And there will always be people in your life to give you something for your gums, or then pick you up when gravity doesn't aid your attempt at walking, or help you when you feel dizzy cause your blood circulation can't keep up with your body, or when you're changing so fast, you don't really know what to cling on to.
But there will always be people.

If you're honest, you will always find someone to tie you up.
Or in this case, if you're honest, you will always find someone to listen to you moan about the growing pains.

Because truth be told - it's fucking cool.
M.




“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald