what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

Game of Thrones

I am so in love with Game of Thrones.

Seriously.
My warrior soul is screeching.

Game.
M.

kokowääh

So last night I missed one of my friends (..mmmm, yep, I can use that term, friend) so much, I downloaded a movie he's in, waited for it to download, and then watched the whole thing (considering this idea sprung at 2am it's quite a feat).

And it was lovely.

Kokowääh.
M.

family

I want a family.

Not like right now, this second, you know.
But I do.

I want a family and this family to have a family home.
A family home.

This is what I want.
Truly, truly, truly want.

And what I want to (and can) give.


Things change, and people change, and I'm really trying to have the balls to just trust this change and go with this.
Which eventually comes surprisingly easy.
Once you let go of "I expected" or "I thought.." or "I am used to", or "No, no, I'm not like that", and all the other crap we "think", and "presume".

What a feeling, y'know.


First there's a slow growing dream.
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind.
M.


And this song.

sing your song

There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come.
And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it.
And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them.

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life.
In marriage, the songs are sung, together.
And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not.
When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well.
You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

http://thegodmolecule.tumblr.com/

Sing your song.
M.

cinematography

Buzkashi boys.

Link to the trailer.
http://vimeo.com/34778382

I just love films.
Films about something else.

Buzkashi.
M.

hey guys

Today is Nanny-day!
My nephew is getting here soon and my desire to be an awesome auntie always kicks in.
I don't know what we're going to do yet, but I sure know he's gonna have fun!

Also, any day when it appears that I have a lot of hair on my head is automatically a good day.

And so, I'm gonna turn the Nanny wheel and see what I come up with.
And I started some interesting drafts late last night which I plan to finish today.

PS, had a very unexpected dream. You know when someone arrives in your dream and you wake up in the morning going "WHERE did you come from?" But it was a nice dream so no harm done.

With love.
M.

this wolf thing

It has really stuck, you know.

And I quite like it.
Using a chosen totem animal, of sorts.
It's kinda weird that the idea of the wolf and I met. I never in a gazillion years would've chosen a wolf, or thought of a wolf.
But now the energy and the resilience it carries really seems to fit like a glove.
So I'm not saying that I'm now going to become a pack animal or a hermit or a whatever, it's just, it's nice to have a symbol. I like tattoos that are symbols, I like finding meaning and significance in things, so having an animal that for me symbolises something about myself is really great.

And again. There are charts with rough birth dates and Native American totem animals.
BUT. You can choose your own.
If there's an animal you have a very strong connection with (stronger than, "yeah, I like kittens") or the opposite - an animal you are afraid of - then there's probably something there.
And this is not about finding the space you fit into, but rather finding an animal that for some reason you share a similar energy with.

And I really like it.

Hooray for wolves.
M.

Christmas + zen

I've heard so many people (more than usual) this year mention the holiday hustle, and how busy it is. So many people just saying how they don't really want to go into town, or go Christmas shopping, because everyone is acting fairly deranged, which I'm not debating.
All I wanted to say was that I just think it's such a shame that the Christmas holidays for the majority have become something that takes away their energy as opposed to giving them energy.

So since the holidays are now officially over I hope the end of the year will give you some time to gather some awesome new energy and recharge. Doesn't matter whether it's from your family, your friends, or the place you live, or the local Christmas market.
Light a candle, or whatever, and think some really nice, peaceful, happy thoughts.

A zen-ful end-of-the-old-year to you.
M.

share your meal

So.
I had an idea the other week (...potential understatement of the year.)

So, I've been fairly obsessed with this Swedish thing lately.
I think it was True Blood's man-delicious-ness going under the character name of Eric Northman that kicked it off some time ago.
I've always had a place in my soul for some Swedish things. Being from a Nordic country I think we all have a lot of time (and a little bit of jealousy) for the Scandinavian sense of life. The pace, the architecture, the amount of space, the use of space.
Just more advanced I guess as a group of people in understanding what they want and how they want to want it. Or maybe it's all wrong, and it's more about the pace.
The connectedness as well. This is what we share. Understanding the roots, you know.

Then this idea of having a red house with white windows arrived. Somewhere near the sea, with a separate sauna house, with a big birch tree outside. And a swing behind the house.

So the idea that I had the other week was that I don't want to have this house for me. I'll most probably be jetting around the place quite a lot (or using trains if I get my way) so it wouldn't make much sense to have it as a permanent place.
Then I decided that it would be dandy to share it.
And therefore have a shared summerhouse, owned by mine and A's fams.

Shared meals, and shared sauna times.
And we can sit on the porch, our men will be fishing, and the children will be swimming so we can lie there in sundresses, waiting for the sauna to heat up, under the birch tree.

(S)pace.
M.

first things first

First things first. 

I was checking my blog “facts” and apparently there are people who read it – so, you…  – from quite a few different countries, some of which I don’t have any friends in. Soooo in short, before this gets too sappy and out of hand, thank you for reading.



So.
As promised, the past few days.

Yesterday was awesome.
I got up same time as AJ and went to town with her, in the morning. I walked her to her office and then walked about on my own for a while. It was so weird being right in central with some shops still shut. It’s one of those things – I love being awake early enough to enjoy the “morning time”, but then the next day I’ll rapidly change my mind. A bit of a shame, cause seriously, I like it, a lot.
Then met up with one of my friends from Tallinn who was in town for a bit. So we went and had some egg based deliciousness.
I went and got some seasonal bits and pieces, before flying home. I’ve had a little Christmas list for a while, for family and friends. And after a fairly fun-deprived hermit-style two months it was literally like 5-year-old-o-clock. I was so excited to be out and to be buying socks for someone (don’t judge, they are actually awesome), or some tea for mum and you know. Just little things, but I’d been waiting for it for so long. Oh, and I got a jumper for myself as well – it’s red and has a mothertrucking raindeer on it. I feel that Christmas is not the time for “cool”.
AEM came and met me for some more walking (why I wore heels – no one knows..). We went to have some dinnertime food at the Pizza Express at St. Christopher’s Place, one of my favourite little corners in London. I don’t even know why, it’s just this tiny tiny square, with some shops and food places on it. But there’s two ways of getting there – you can either approach it from the actual road, OR you can enter via this tiiiny pedestrian path, from Oxford Street. And I mean, when I say tiny, I do mean tiny. It’s right there, and people just walk past it. You’ll definitely pass it when walking down Oxford Street. It’s just so sneaky. Like Narnia or something. Minus the lion.
(More pictures to follow.)

Also.
I finally made the “official” announcement to my housemates that I’m moving back to my hometown for a bit – this being Tallinn, Estonia. It hasn’t even begun to sink in yet. I’m gonna have to do something or something whatever over Christmas to make it more concrete. Otherwise it just feels like floof, you know?
Crazy.
But it feels good. This decision.
More about this later I guess, maybe. Maybe not.

So here I am. Sat on a plane. Sitting in the aircraft. In air. Hovering, above actual clouds. Wearing my reindeer jumper. I’ve never written above ground. This is weird.
It always gets me – this whole above clouds business. Cause I mean, they are clouds. The clouds. And then you are above them. Like, what?
I know this entertains A. somewhat, when I get like this. Marvelling at random things, but like, to a slightly weird extent. Like in Croatia, we went for a swim and the water didn’t appear to be much deeper than a couple of meters, and you could see the bottom of the sea clearly, so close. We were swimming really close to the beach. So A. said she thought it was much deeper. Being a mermaid she decided to show this to me and vertically descend, feet first. I was to stay floating, and observe.

And so this 170cm-ish female just went and went and went till she was TINY. AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN. A. came back up and I was like – “HOW IS IT THIS DEEP OMG THE BOTTOM IS RIGHT THERE YOU CAN SEE IT YOU CAN SEE IT”. This of course is all to do with perspective and blah blah, okay I get it. But seriously, it just BLEW my mind. Just seeing her become smaller and smaller, being RIGHT THERE. UGH. Seriously!

As you can see I still haven’t got over this..
Same thing with being above clouds.
M.