Natalie

And so she has announced her departure from the operatic scene.

Hm.....


I don't entirely know what this is doing to and with my insides.


You see, the thing is, I have never really been one for idols, or heroes, or..you know?
I've never REALLY been a fan of anyone, a true, hardcore fan.

The thing in my life that's only ever been that thing, is my thing with Natalie Dessay, the opera singer.
I first saw a DVD with her when I was 13. Or so.
I remember staying up till ridiculous o'clock, trying to mimick her sounds.
This is the closest to idolization I've ever got to.
And I do idolise her, absolutely to this day.

She is impeccable.
Her technique is second to absolutely none, and then the artistry, which is another topic entirely.
Divinity.

And I always had this idea, of seeing her live. Really seeing her in a production.
One of the big ones, you know?
The coveted roles, one of the ones that shape careers.

This was always my idea. My idée-fixe. 
And I always thought I'd do this when I was old enough, or wealthy enough, or just something enough, because I thought I had all the time in the world.
And more.

And sometimes people have these moments in their lives when they realise - we have no time.
Let's be honest, we don't.
Because things change, life happens, and we control none of it.

You just do not know.

And I waited for so long, I waited 11 years to then miss my chance to see the one artist live that will be The Artist for me most probably until I die.
How's that for hilarious.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not sat here going ape-sh*t because a soprano stopped singing opera.
It's the concept.
The concept of time, darlings.

We wait, and wait, and wait. For the perfect time.
Which - sorry to break it to myself, and everyone else - never arrives.
Ever.

Because there will always be a more perfect time.
And a more perfect time after that.
And after that.
A line which never ends.

If you want something, fight for it now.
If you want to be something, fight for it now.
If you want a chance, fight for it now.
If you want to travel, make it happen now.
If you want anything, bust your balls - but do it now.

Because the glittering miracle you're after might not be sat there some time from now.

This is the problem with young people. We think we have soooooooo mucccchhhh tiiiiiiime.....
Like there's a special time-god somewhere, spending all his love and grace on the 20-somethings.
But there isn't.

So don't blink and realise it's gone.
The thing with unicorns is they don't stick around and wait for sunrise.
They usually disappear.

And wouldn't that be a shame.

Yours truly.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

START OF THE TOUR

Hello, awesome souls!
I hope you had a nice mid-week.

Today, it's official - I've started the summer tour.
We had our first gig, of 22.
It was outdoors, we had plenty of people, and it's a random Wednesday night.
It went so so well, the audience was absolutely a-mazing.



So currently I'm so grateful, at all of it.
Really, all of it.

And also, after I'd finished my first song, this super-lovely human being lady came to the stage, with this flower garland, and just put it on my head - with 100% consent, of course.

I would rate that as one of the best things to have happened to me during my singing/stage life, which is almost as long as my life on the whole, on this planet.
Just, the symbol of it.
Fertility, and abundance, and giving, and Mother Earth, and the fruitful season, and just OH MY GOD. So many things that are so important to me and so close to my heart.

It is the most perfect way to start the month and start this tour.
Start telling your stories and singing the songs.



And then there was a box of strawberries after the gig.
I don't usually like strawberries if I'm honest, but these ones were SO RIPE, and tasted just simple amazing, so I had about a thousand. Accompanied with the red/pink hands post-eating, with my garland.



I'm just getting some rest now and I plan to sleep completely alarm-free tonight.
Fresh peppermint tea, and Gordon Ramsay shouting at some people.

It's a good feeling, going to sleep, knowing that I have actually shared something tonight, and that other souls really received what we were doing tonight.
You can always tell.

Sing songs.
M.

Ella

The divine.
I really should listen to more Ella.
It would fix and solve and relax a lot a lot a lot of stuff.

This song was basically the first one on Youtube, it doesn't really matter which one it is.
Point is. She has no time, no era, no nothing.
She just is.
Whatever, rhetoric fails.

Fitzgerald, I bow to you.
M.

today

Today was a day for calming down.

So I went into town, bought 3 bits of pastry - a mango puff pastry thing, a sugar icing puff pastry pretzel, a spinach and feta pastry - and got a coffee, and then I went for a long walk.
Me and Peter Gabriel in my ears.

It was divine.

Me and Tallinn.

Saturday.
M.

day 3

..was yesterday.

"The best part of my day".
F. came around which was so lovely.
Before her arrival I sorted through at least half of all the stuff I own in this country. (I think I'm carrying on today.) Which was divine. I like making space (this doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's great), it just feels nicer to breathe you know, and besides finding old stuff is great too.
A. mentioned something interesting just now, "uprooting".
I think sorting through stuff is a little bit like that. Like, a pre-step, or something.

Then F. and I made some hummus, and chatted in the kitchen. And it was nice.
And I made a big plan. And that was nice too.

Yesterday was just one of those days, that over-all was nice. (Such a bland word, but works well in this context.)

And because there wasn't a single best part of my day, I'm just going to add a photo of a lantern that AEM bought - it makes me giggle in disbelief (I mean, it's an indoor lantern?), and I feel like Snowwhite, or something.

Day 4.
M.