stupid

Okay, this is ridiculous.
It's time to stop being stupid and focus.

Feeling lonely is boring.
Feeling crappy is boring.

So why be boring.

Like, SERIOUSLY.


DREAMERS
DOERS
BELIEVERS
THINKERS

Visuals.
M.

this

I miss this.

But NO FEAR, lolcats!
I will look into crossing the Gulf of Finland soon. SOOOoooonnn, I tell ye!

Last year was perfect. A. came over for the last gig and then off we went towards adventures.
Which will not happen this year.
BUT WHATEVER.

There will be other kinds of adventures to be found, everywhere, all the time.

And this goes hand in hand with the theme of me feeling like I should be somewhere else.
In the world, I mean.

Weird.
M.

new hair

That would be SO FUN!

Peace.
M.

break

Just finished the rehearsal.
I am supremely happy with how it went.
My 8AM alarm paid off, big-time.

In my head I'm always in Paris.

A celebratory coffee.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today will consist of or has consisted of:
7AM wake-up
Writing a to-do list
Going to the library/getting music
Radio interview
Rehearsal
Figuring out what I'm singing
TV-people filming at the scaff? (actually scaffolding in the church)
Drawing a plan of who is standing where on the scaff/sending it to the sound designer


Actually, now that I've written it out like this, it doesn't sound that bad!
Woo! This was a good shout!

Peace.
M.

Let's bitch on this day.
PS, that's still a lollipop.

create

I'm not creating, anything.
Lately.

Why.

Ridiculous.
M.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

all in

All Stephanie.
Adidas.

This is so self-explanatory.

dance
dance
dance
dance

With love.
M.

don't get greedy, kid

It is interesting how even the most seemingly positive things can draw out some negative patterns.
To be more exact.

This past week was absolutely spectacular.
I don't know what exactly I decided and when, but paired with Tuesday night, when I actually realised how ridiculously hindering my thought patterns were, something shifted.
And I was sliding on that wave for about 72 marvellous hours, when it was nothing short of audible how things were just somehow falling into place.
Sounds super, right?

It is, and was.
However.
An interesting side effect is that this gets almost addictive.
And so I decided to take a few days to calm down and prepare for the beginning of the week.
But I don't know. Now it's just a bit off.
Like, I got so used to "people" that now I'm a little --what? A little something.

So, in conclusion.
Don't be greedy, kid.

I suck at balance.
Always have.
And this same go-go-go-go-more-more-more-more-more-more-MORE-NOW thing got me to the point where I was in October, i.e. didn't want to do anything, at all.
This dance with everything and nothing.

Balance.
All of this is just a balancing act.
And what do you do if you don't know how to do something?
LEARN.

So I shall learn balance.

Greedy, greedy child.
M.

jenna

"This is just, something." (As described by A. But I really really agree.)

Jenna Marbles is known for her pretty brilliant Youtube channel, where she posts a video every Wednesday, about anything really, anything that she fancies.
She's always absolutely hilarious, and looks so positively full of life.
And this week her video was something very different.

Even if you don't follow her channel on Youtube, and you have 8 minutes, watch this.
I think it's worth a watch.
And a nice idea in itself.

Draw your life.
M.

today

And today my lighter brown hair with ginger ends is going!
I'm going to the Spaniards now to dye some hair. I'll do hers, she'll do mine.

And the ginger ends will be no longer.
Not till summer at least.
I need some contrast around my face.

Somehow this makes me feel like I'm battling the elongated winter better.
We shall see in a few hours - fingers crossed I'll emerge a new warrior lol-cat wolf.

Have a happy Saturday!
M.

now what

So, now what, boys and girls.
Now what?

Uneasy. 
M.

all the f*cks

Oh, look at all the f*cks i don't give!



So.
I used to think this kind of attitude was in some way negative, or not really advancing anything at all.

But.
After giving this fairly significant amounts of thought time, I have now come to the conclusion, that actually it is fine.
This does not mean I don't like people, or I don't care about people.
This doesn't imply arrogance in the slightest.
This only means I don't go crazy over what people necessarily "think" about me. My clothing, or my career, or my manner of speaking. Which is all matter of subjective opinion.
And once I managed to kind of start letting go of this I was so much freer just to enjoy people as they were, not be so hung up on what I thought other people thought of me.

"Caring" too much also leads down a really evil path - perpetual competing, with other people.
If you are constantly trying to please everyone and make sure you are to everyone's taste all you are really doing is ripping yourself apart, because let's be honest here - it's impossible to please everyone.

Look in the mirror.
That's your competition.

And I don't say this as a person who wants to achieve nothing or for whom being successful is not important - on the contrary. This kind of attitude - push yourself, not compete with others - will lead to success. (I am still really very much trying to make this attitude natural and easy, so I don't have to remind myself of where to place my pinpoint of emphasis. But so far, so good. And seriously, everything comes so much easier.)

If you really work at trying to become the very very best version of yourself you can possibly be, you won't have time to judge others, therefore good things will happen, you will go far and you will succeed in whatever field you are active in.

Change your mind, and you can change anything.

With love.
M.

clothes

Okay, guys, I have a problem.

This is not going to be as pointless and shallow as it sounds at first.

So.
I don't know what clothes I like.

Explanation.
Lately I'm just having a really really tricky time finding anything I feel good wearing. I guess it's just that I'm not entirely sure the kind of person I want to put across at the moment.
It was easier in LDN because there none of this matters.
But I touch-down in TLN and there's these people and journalists and whatevers (which I cannot stress enough, I'm grateful for) but the downside of this is, it is just hard to change.

I have these patterns here. The automatic shapes and things that I do, and things I represent and therefore, clothes I wear.
It's like, I arrive and there's a pre-decided Maria Listra waiting here, who I've created, and I kinda leave myself going "HUH?". Like I leave me on the doorstep.
And so now I'm home, with a load of clothes, and they just don't feel good on. They feel like they belong to someone else and this is a very strange sensation. So I've slowly been going through my clothes to see which ones I actually like wearing and which actually feel like me.

And so there you go. My clothes problem.
I don't know what clothes I like, I don't know what clothes like me, and whatever. Summer's so easy, I just run around half naked all the time, which suits me fine.
So for now, I'm just gonna go about being a little confused.

I
don't
unerstand
clothes
ugh

Clothes.
M.

what do clothes say?

Eesti

The person currently playing tunes on Classic FM doesn't understand the point of the 2-6AM slot. I mean, seriously.

Here's a little something about my deep-rooted relationship with the 2-6AM Classic FM slot.
99% of the essays I wrote during my uni-career were written with the constant soundtrack of Classic FM, especially the 2-6AM slot.
It's awesome classical tunes, the ones that make you feel great about being awake late at night, on your own,  in the stillness and (almost) silence.
The guy currently behind the disk jockey equipment in the Classic FM studio, however, seems to think that this slot is for the darkest and the deepest Elgar cello concertos (not the fun kind, the darkkk kind), requiems, soundtracks of sad, sad movies, et cetera.
I mean. Why.
Why.

So therefore I'm back to Kardashians.

Also, earlier, I was scrolling through tumblr and this photo (below) just popped up.
And realising that the one and only flag on the map was the one of Estonia, was just too great for words.

Eesti.
M.

knitting

So last night I stayed up knitting till 6am.
No, this is not a normal occurrence. It's just I hadn't done any knitting in so long and I really like it.
It's like, so so good. Seriously.
And I was watching Downton Abbey like there's no tomorrow.
And so I ended up being awake till 6am, as opposed to getting home after the gig and going to sleep.
Why the heck not.

Oh, and I decorated the tree today. Mum was flexible so I thought we'd go for a New-York-City-toy-store-dreamland vibe. Which basically meant, really simple lights, and these tiny tiny wooden Christmassy toy figurines. I'll post a pictures of the finished tree later.

It's so weird, whenever touring comes round again. My life boils down to eating, sleeping, singing, sitting in a car, and then repeating that. Which is great, don't get me wrong. Just means I don't ever think any interesting thoughts at all.
So therefore I knit, and watch Downton Abbey, and you know.
But it's nice.
I must not forget Christmas is nearly nearly here!

WOO FOR KNITTING.
M. 

saturday night

So.

We went out last night.
I'd spent the whole day in town (surprise-surprise) so I was a little knacked.
So what ended up happening was this -

No, actually, I thought that if I'd do this to my face I'd actually get up and get ready.
Which I did.

People were coming round - girls, to get ready at ours - and I was just sat there, top of the stairs, with an eyeliner pencil in my hand, just seeing what I can do.
I was quite pleased.
Then I put on a coat, backwards, and starting waltzing with AJ. She said: "I suddenly had the urge to kiss you." With my face, LIKE. THAT?
So it was an interesting beginning to a Saturday night.
The rest of it wasn't nearly as interesting.

But there.
Make-up.
M.

"No"vember

Happy 1st of November, everyone!


I did some drawing today. In honour of having a brand new month, woo!
And I think the drawing does, quite successfully, sum up what I want this month to be(come).

"No"vember.
What are you saying "no" to?
What am I saying "no" to?

I'm a firm believer in saying "yes".
But sometimes it's okay to take a second and realise how great it is to still know when to say "no".
And what to say "no" to.


So.
There's this, and this.

The yoga-a-day challenge is such a good thing to do for actually getting to know some new poses, learning some of the names and just getting into a steady habit of doing yoga.
Not a lot, just a little, but every day.
(Sorry for the appalling yoga-picture below. It was way past midnight when I decided to get involved. Tomorrow's will be better.)

I don't really know why the photo-a-day appeals to me.
I was thinking some time ago (this was actually in a conversation with A.) that for "a creative person" I'm not really creating anything at the moment. And by that I don't mean physical, tangible things. For me it's more a way of looking at things.
And since I have time to do this at the moment - why not.

This photo-a-day just encourages to see, and notice. And look closer. And maybe assess a little differently than before. And to really pinpoint.
I'm hoping this will make autumn more palatable.
(Again, sorry for the photo - I'll get going with both tomorrow.)

And therefore, there's this, and this.

Happy "No"vember.
M.

human mind

the human mind fascinates me.
what tips us over, you know
what gets us over the bridge
and how random it is
having said that, i think the genders are hugely different here
either way
it's fa-sci-na-ting.



"why are you so blonde"
"why must you be so blonde"
"why do you have to be so blonde"


and we will never look back at the fading silhouette

Inside the Actors Studio is making my late-night.
M.

remember

"remember,
you're in charge."


I always say, in an ideal world.
Why not though?
What does that even mean?
What does it mean, in an ideal world?

And why is this one any less than ideal?

M.