10/03

Today I woke up away from Tallinn, around 7.30AM, at the Pisces.
Her house is literally in the middle of this field.
It is divine and fills me with the purest of energies.
Coming to Tallinn never goes down too well.

Then I had a meeting.
We're recording this cover, for the summer.
Then I had a lesson.
It was ace. The Teacher is CRAY good.
Even on days like this.
I have SUCH gratitude that she exists.
SUCH gratitude.

Then I ate some cake, came home, and covered every part of myself in coconut oil.
Hair, skin, you name it.
I think it will fix everything.
Then I also cut some hair.

Then I made annotations on this aria, by Bellini.
Translated the whole thing and got my head around it a little.

And now I'm here, sat, on the sofa.
Just downloaded the new Greys Anatomy.
And soon, I'm off to bed.

I also booked some serious treatments today.
Found this Thai place in town, with Thai women doing the treatments.
I need someone with serious skills to bend me open, shift some energies and release whatever is going around in my system.
My back feels like it's carrying half of the Universe.

I feel this is the kind of week we're gonna have.
One where you really have to take care of yourself, when necessary.
Don't postpone it, don't over-look it, don't ignore.
Just listen to your body, and act accordingly.
It's your strongest nest and castle and stronghold.
Don't wreck it.
It's amazing.


Speaking of which - I should eat better.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

blame

Placing blame makes no sense.
But I do.
I blame you.
I swear I'll stop.

But I do, I blame you.
And you, and you.

But the truth is.
The only, and I mean, the only thing I need to realise, is that this is not a competition.
Life.
No, seriously.
This is not a competition.
I'm not competing, nor do I have to prove, anything, at all. Ever.
Old habits die hard, but they too will die.
And disappear.

I want to forever be my own first choice.
And live accordingly.
According to this one very very very simple principle:
I will forever be my own first choice.

I think that is my biggest fear.

1st.
M.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

anger management

So, let's say you find yourself in a situation, where you have 2 simple options.
A) you break a lot of things that you would not like to get rid of
or B) find a way to NOT do this.

I would personally recommend B.
I mean, yes, it can feel superb, but trust me, the annoyance at having broken your own belongings that arrives after is dull as dishwater. So, stick with B.

My form of anger management.

Obviously followed by the 2nd movement (which is enough to literally tear your heart out with the bittersweet sounds, turn it into and pie and eat it with some vanilla whipped cream), and then the 3rd.

And/or cut your hair.

Nothing that Shostakovich can't fix.
M.

strong

One word to describe your body.
"Strong."

Yes, thank you.

Strong.
M.

to my beloved summer

This has been a truly inspired Wednesday. (half-irony)

I went to see a new production of "Faust" at the Estonian National today. It was good. I loved the production/staging and the way they had played with the shift in action when Satan comes along. As it should be. I mean, that is just a mental turn of affairs in itself? Satan, physically, turns up. Against all odds. And I think there are no other ways of seeing it, really.. Satan is trouble, and chaos. (In the operatic, and literary sense.) Otherwise Satan could/would be something else. Whatev.
As an aftermath I did listen to about 3-4 hours of Natalie Dessay and felt great about the universe.

Then Wednesday stopped being inspired, and started being -- this.

I've been ploughing through home magazines. I'm riding the high so much. I want to have a nest, my own "box" if that's all it is. But I want it. And I want to put all my crap in it. And it will be my crap. And I will invite someone over for tea.
Or someone over for instant noodles because I might not yet have a kitchen.
Or give someone a place to stay after a night out when they can't find a cab.
Or just a place to come and borrow sugar.
Or a hairbrush.
Or some music.
Or some DVDs.
Or borrow socks.
Or a dress for going out.
Or whatever the hell one might need, at any given point in time.
Or come cry.
Or come tell ridiculous stories from the night before.
Or just for some wine, and a big fat catch-up.
Or just come do a whole load of absolute-whatever.

And it shall be (so) glorious.

Today was the day I realised summer was gone for good. Not that the weather's been cheating or anything - it's proper autumn. It's just my extended holiday has kept me somewhat under the idea - not idea necessarily, rather the feeling - that summer was still here, or some of the holiday-ness of it all.
But then this inspired Wednesday for some reason carried with it the knowledge that it was over. Officially. My summer of 2012 is finito. Byyyeee!

And it has been great.
And I think it's going to carry some of its wonderfulness into the 2012/13 season. Or at least I've really got my fingers crossed for that.
But dear, oh dear, it's been wonderful.

So, I would like to take this tiny second to thank all the [insert word that means makes one jump up and down a little in sincere, unspoilt joy] people who've been around at some point or another this summer. Cause it was great. Simple as.
You've made me laugh, or (very) happy, or just given me some of that everything-is-so-awesome-actually type-of-contentment feeling, or made me feel in general, or made me act like a true idiot, which usually is the absolute best of it all.


I took this picture (below) yesterday. And yesterday was fantastic.
Thank you, summer.
I'll see you again next year.
I will miss you.
You have been so good to me this year, and you will forever be my favourite.

With love and gratitude,
Yours
M.