tonight

I'm really angsty tonight.
It's so boring.
Seriously.


I put a wash on, and I'm watching this documentary, super interesting called "Forks over Knives" again about food and the effect it has on the human body, and "Food Matters".
Again, masterpieces.
SO FASCINATING!


And I'm angsty.
I don't know why but I am and it's really really snacking on my insides.
Tomorrow I'll wake up at 8AM and get stuff done.
This is not nice.


I'm getting my nails done tomorrow, and buying some crayons.
I want my hands and fingers to aid my thinking.
And I think I'm getting my body mass and all that measured tomorrow.
The pharmacies are doing it for free until the end of the month, so I thought why not.
Interesting to find out.


I hope this is gonna disappear soon.

Night, darlings.
M.

magnetic

I hope the thing that was here today and now has hopefully left was actually a magnetic storm.

Cause this day was not fun.

In other news.
- worked on the program for tomorrow
- sorted some music for a concert on the 30th so next Saturday
- did some awesome daydreaming/planning with the pretty one
- felt her babyNINJA'S HEART BEAT.
(let's just let this sink in)
- joined Instagram (I'm not yet taking pouty selfies, but knowing me, this will happen)
- watched many episodes of Hannibal (the new one with Mads Mikkelsen, LOVE)
- agreed to an interview on Monday
- and ate lasagne

So that was my day.
Tomorrow will be busy.
Wake-up, rehearsal, concert-ready, concert, rehearsal.

I really want to get all the social media things into a structure.
I mean, yeah, it's not usually my cup of tea.
And I always feel like I need to understand, visualise in my head, what role they have.
What part to play.

 So for now, I'll leave you to bedtime.

Yours truly.

M.

lonely-cat time

Someone's having a PROPER party somewhere in our apartment building.
IT'S SO COOL!
One of them has a guitar and they are singing soooo many well known folky songs.

And so it's Friday night..

And UGH.
Whatever.

I was gonna write about stuff, but now I'm just over it.

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

Wtf.
For no reason.
So fun.

But as always, I'm working on it, roots up, to really get rid of it.
And as always it's a lack of personal TLC time.
Always is.
And the response is always to turn to external fire extinguishers, but I'm really trying.


So instead, here's a photo of my breakfast this morning with the Spanish one.
She's been gone about a second and I really miss her. Ridic.
We so did not finish our chats today.

Her's is the omelette, mine's the pancake (with fresh strawberry jam, not ketchup).



The gig tonight was another full house.
On our way to TLN I really thought I was gonna go into town, with the Pisces-2.
But then I got a bad case of a guilty conscience - gig tomorrow, should rest, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

blah
blah
blah
blah
blah

Bottomline.
Now I'm home, thinking WHERE IS MY PARTY.
Where are the people I want to see?
UGH.

Anyway.

The point is.
It's a messy night.

They keep getting sparser and sparser.

And I really, really wish one day they'll stop coming.

WHEREISMYPARTY.

F_k YOU, conscience.
M.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

nighttime

I completed my Wednesday to-do list!
I did all of that.
And that's pretty sweet.

Then went to stay with the Other Pisces, with the Spanish one. She lives 40 minutes out of Tallinn and it was absolutely more divine than I-lack-the-word.
We got there just in time for sunset, watched the sun go down down down on a beach. Then ate some smoked fish and watermelon and ice-cream, and then chatted about life and the universe. And got tucked into our mega-snug beds.

Morning time brought breakfast and sunbathing and more chats about life.
The energy is so good with those two - good to chat spiritual stuff. I don't think I've ever had that. So my gratitude goes out to the Universe. Muchos gracias.

And back to the capital I came, riding on a jolly yellow bus.
Did a soundcheck, saw a dance-puppet piece with E. (which was pretty super), had a rehearsal and sorted some other stuff for the Scaffolding gig (which is in TWO days?!).
AND I borrowed a bike from the pretty one and rode that home which made me happier than a pup with two tails.

Over-all, busy-Maria.
And I cannot wait to get away again.

With love.
M.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

midnight cat

And before I fall asleep, a little midnight cat to you.

Midnight cat.M.

lana

Oh, stop it, you.

I've got a burning desire for you, baby.
M.

blackbird, fly

I don't know why but this song fixes something. Whatever the fracture, this fixes it.

Into the light
of the dark black night

And fly.
M.

zzz..

So this sleeping thing they do nowadays...
Where are the z's? Seriously?

I want to sleep and I'm so awake.
Downside of a productive buzzy day.

must
wind
down

Goodnight, sweets. 
M.

exhausted

Pretty simple - I'm exhausted.
Of this packing stuff.
Of thinking what I'm going to do with my life.
Of not knowing when I can move. Of not knowing when I can fly home.
Of not knowing anything apparently.
Just, no.

F*CK
THIS
SH*T

Night-night.

With love.
M.

Eesti

The person currently playing tunes on Classic FM doesn't understand the point of the 2-6AM slot. I mean, seriously.

Here's a little something about my deep-rooted relationship with the 2-6AM Classic FM slot.
99% of the essays I wrote during my uni-career were written with the constant soundtrack of Classic FM, especially the 2-6AM slot.
It's awesome classical tunes, the ones that make you feel great about being awake late at night, on your own,  in the stillness and (almost) silence.
The guy currently behind the disk jockey equipment in the Classic FM studio, however, seems to think that this slot is for the darkest and the deepest Elgar cello concertos (not the fun kind, the darkkk kind), requiems, soundtracks of sad, sad movies, et cetera.
I mean. Why.
Why.

So therefore I'm back to Kardashians.

Also, earlier, I was scrolling through tumblr and this photo (below) just popped up.
And realising that the one and only flag on the map was the one of Estonia, was just too great for words.

Eesti.
M.

dangle

I used to do this all the time in our old house.
Only I wasn't as high up as she was.
My room was on the 1st floor, or those who don't follow the UK floor system - that would be the 2nd floor.
And my window faced our neighbours apple-trees which were so nice, whatever the season. And I would just sit there, dangle my legs and read.
Or just sit there and stare at the sky, daytime or nighttime.
One time, when I had just discovered Bob Marley, courtesy of my first-love, I sat exactly like this and listened to "No woman, no cry" 46 times. Or was it 42. Either of these digits.

So yes, I am a huge fan of this. Huge fan.

(I'm packing.)

Dangle more.
M.

latenight visuals

i know you're right behind me

Lykke Li, again, and again, and again.

Yesterday the night before tomorrow.
M.

saturday night

So.

We went out last night.
I'd spent the whole day in town (surprise-surprise) so I was a little knacked.
So what ended up happening was this -

No, actually, I thought that if I'd do this to my face I'd actually get up and get ready.
Which I did.

People were coming round - girls, to get ready at ours - and I was just sat there, top of the stairs, with an eyeliner pencil in my hand, just seeing what I can do.
I was quite pleased.
Then I put on a coat, backwards, and starting waltzing with AJ. She said: "I suddenly had the urge to kiss you." With my face, LIKE. THAT?
So it was an interesting beginning to a Saturday night.
The rest of it wasn't nearly as interesting.

But there.
Make-up.
M.

trblnt

okay.
So.
what is this, and what is that? (what a brilliant question to ask around 4am)

Here's to the turbulent nights.

E. gave me a plan though, and I greatly appreciate this, since this is not something that happens often, with me.
It goes something like this:

Bath
bubbles
wine
a pretty glass
yoga-mat
candles.

I think I might follow through, you know.
But a bit later on.
Today is a day for blogging.

If there is truth in anything, there is truth in this tiny velvet rhino.

Here's to rhinos.
M.

9 good reasons

Saturday morning made me laugh.
I got a trolley bus home from town, at 08.03am, clear as a sunshiny day.
And it made me laugh, so very much. That whole situation.
And I think I giggled the whole way.
I was wearing a hat, and I wasn't cold.

The whole night was meant to end at 2am, when the right person asked me why I'm going the wrong way.
And then the smoky chats about the state of the arts, specific advice how to further my career, suburban slang, who would eat cats or dogs, how to raise your pigs, benefits of working in a gold mine in Australia, what makes an Estonian, lovely kind people, double-straws, wet feet dancing, shouting "SAY MY NAAAME!" whilst dancing with said wet feet, then the bean bag jumping, and the squealing, and the Cosmos, and the leftover Cosmo shots, and the morning, and the "Ich liebe" to Tallinn, and the 7.30am empty bottles to the bins.
This week just gone was incredible.

(Friday. what is that sparkle?
Ps, I promise I don't actually have a facial expression as unpleasant as that. My Dell snapshot central does that to me. And it's slightly hideous.
So for now, for the lack of a better face/expression, my apologies.)

 

And now I made pasta for dinner. I don't make good pasta and this was good.

And I replaced my old phone that just refused to work anymore.
And out of love, the old one is being repaired.
And the new one is nice.
As was the pasta.
So much nice, it's coming out of my ears.

I want to be a man, and I want to be the Count of Monte Cristo.
M.

my daily entertainment

Strider.

This has become a daily thing that I do.

Apparently, my new thing, is watching Lord of the Rings every night. Not a whole one, not in the right order. Just whatever hour or two from whichever one.
It's really strange, for no other reason than I've never been a fan of it really. And I'm therefore very confused as to why I'm watching the movies every night. And narrating to A. how this dwarf does this or, "NO, BOROMIR", or "the dwarf is running", or "got to love Gollum", or "Let's hunt some orc!", or "Yes, mini man-elf-dwarf union!!", or "ICH LIEBE GANDALF", or "Run, Sam, run!", or "Yes, Aragorn, you prance over that treelog", and so forth, and so forth, and so forth.
I mean. It entertains me largely, but I do find it somewhat bizarre. But whatever because ICH LIEBE GANDALF you know.

Oh, and then I realised I would LOVE to be an elf-queen. So much. If anyone has any tips, please hook me up. Thanks!
M.

jaanipäev

Jaanipäev.

One of my most most most most beloved nights of the year. I don't even know why really. It must be partly the memories, even though, come to think of it, my festivities have never been too extravagant. So maybe it is something that it does to me, or makes me feel. There's something very satisfying about a tradition that entails fires, everywhere, on one of the longest days of the year. It is saying, declaring we made it through the winter. Saying the very same thing our ancestors said hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Celebrating the summer, and light, and life. And fire. The fire without which we would not be much.
Estonians, I think, understand where they stand in terms of the nature around them pretty well. Not much of this arrogance that there's plenty of elsewhere. So that's why this one night feels special, a celebration of us, the people, living, on these very lands, that give it to us quite rough sometimes. But this one night, even if it rains like the heavens have opened, is worth celebrating.

(This is such a pile of sentimental goo, but that is exactly how it makes me feel. And i love it.)

We made it through the winter. We made it through the dark and cold. Once more. One more year, one more.
Head jaanipäeva.
M.