gioia de vivere

Hey, guys!

So.
This Italian teacher is currently in Tallinn, and the past few days we've had crazy emotional lessons.
Yesterday I was so...under pressure, that I couldn't really sing.
The Italian pointed out that there's so much muscle tension and just control and pressure, that the voice doesn't sound free.
(Let's just tie this is with me not feeling free lately, in general...)

Anyhow.
So.
Today he basically said that he doesn't think I have a clear understanding of how to enjoy life.
And the problem, my dear darling friends, is I have to agree.

And this needs to be changed.

And the funniest thing is - it's so evident in my voice.
The weight of what I think and how I perceive myself and this life on this planet sounds in my voice - it simply "sits" too low. The placement needs to be higher. It's like......okay, take a balloon right? It's full of helium, but if you add a small bag of rocks to the string it cannot take off.
It simply cannot do what it is supposed to do.
And this is what it's like with my voice.
How fascinating that my job, my "work" is showing me how to live.
Giving me guidance.

So.
Gioia de vivere, joy of life.

And so I got to thinking about this.
What does this mean, what does it mean to really enjoy life?
I mean, number 1, no one can be happy ALL the time. It doesn't work like that. So "Be happy" is not what I should be thinking, that's stupid.
And then I got to thinking..
Earlier on I was in a rehearsal, and I wasn't feeling good. I was sad, and angry, and a little disappointed, so I said this to my Pianist (the biggest sweetheart on the planet). I said, I am sad, and angry, but we will have this rehearsal and it will be good.

And it was.

And all the time when I was there I didn't lie to myself, I didn't pressure myself into being less this or more this or whatever, less sad, more happy, I just...WAS.
Exactly what I was, felt what I felt, and experienced what I experienced.
No "keeping it together", no deceit, no faking of anything.

And you know what?
Something changed.
EVERYTHING BECAME EASY.
This honesty in being meant I didn't suffer anymore.
I was still sad, I was still angry - but I didn't suffer.

I just was what I was.

And all of it became Enjoyable.

Unforced, honest, raw and truthful.


And that's when I realised that for me, to enjoy life, all I have to do is not lie to myself.
And I think this will be true for a lot of people.
I can allow myself to have the complete and utter freedom to be and feel and experience exactly what I'm experiencing.
All necessary for growth.
BUT if I slap my wrist every time I feel something negative, chances are I'll never truly enjoy the process.
Isn't that what Enjoying Life is about?
The process.
You can't throw yourself off the cliff on bad days.
When life gives you lemons, you can still juggle with the goddamn lemons, and have a great time!!
THAT IS Gioia de Vivere, Joy of Life, Joy of Living.

Freedom.
Freedom to be, freedom to feel and experience.
And when you're having a bad day, say you're having a bad day!!!
When someone has hurt you, say someone has hurt me!!!
Don't wipe it under the carpet and pretend "you're happy" and that this feeling doesn't exist! How can you be free?

So that's me today.
I am currently sat on my sofa.
I'm tired, sad, and a little angry, but so what?!
I'm experiencing these things, and the sunshine is still warm, and stars still shine bright!
I'm sad, yes, but I'm also feeling the Joy of Living, and that is pretty awesome.

SO BE SAD, BE ANGRY, BE WHATEVER YOU ARE.
Just be honest to yourself!!!
And even in the darkest deepest sadness and despair, chocolate will STILL taste wonderful, art will STILL comfort your soul, your friends will STILL shine brighter than all the suns and moons, and life will STILL be marvellous!
JUST
STOP
LYING


Have fun with being free, I love love love you all.
Have fun being sad, have fun being lost, have fun being angry.

I know this sounds super odd, but it makes life easier, more fluid, forever in motion, and full of Joy.

Gioia de vivere, even when skies are gray.

Love, always.

M.

crow

I can't remember when this was exactly, but somehow the crow as a symbol appeared in my life.

Firstly, I really like the idea of totem animals.
Native Americans, according to my readings, don't have animals set in stone. For example, you are Pisces, you are Taurus.
But rather, your totem animal can arise out of a strong connection with a certain animal, both a positive connection, or potentially one of fear as well.
Either or, bottom-line remains - an animal that you could learn from.

And so, the wolf had made it's appearance in my life some time before.
I have absolutely no idea how this happened, largely because I've always been petrified by big dogs.
Like, to the point of crying.
Not all dogs though. I can judge and see their character really well, and it's the unpredictable ones I used to be completely terrified of.
So to this day I can't remember how the wolf made it's appearance, but it did.
And so the wolf became my own, personal totem animal.

Some time later the crow appeared.
AGAIN, a bird that I have never-ever felt anything for.
Birds in general.
I like the idea of flying, but anything other than that never existed.
But this is what I found out about the symbol of the Crow.
---

You can rest assure whenever crows are around, magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. The crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.

The home of all that is 
not
yet
in
form

Things to come.

The striking black color of crow represents the color of creation. It is the womb out of which the new is born. Black the color of night gives birth to the light of a new day. Crow is a daytime bird reminding us that magic and creation are present in both. Their ability to shift between the known and unknown world indicates new journeys.

Crow is associated with magic, unseen forces and spiritual strength. If crow flies into your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to its caw and act accordingly.

It is the power of the unknown at work, and something special is about to happen. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.They are territorial and won't give up an area without a fight. They are loners, seeming to like to spend time to themselves.

If you have a crow as a totem, you need to be willing to walk your talk and speak your truth. You must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and "caw" the shots as you see them. Crow is an omen of change. If he keeps appearing to you he may be telling you that you have a powerful voice when addressing issues that you do not quite understand or feel that they are out of balance.

When you meet crow, he could be telling you that there will be changes in your life and that possibly you should step by the usual way you view reality and look into the inner realms …walk your talk…be prepared to let go of your old thinking and embrace a new way of viewing yourself and the world.

When you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish. Your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth. The prime path of true Crow people says to be mindful of your opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self.




http://anasopiah.blogspot.com/2009/02/crow-raven-wolf-totems.html


So.
The Crow.

Look for symbols, and look for the bits and pieces, you know.
There are so-so many interesting things in the universe to find.
Waiting for you, to find them.

Of course I'm not asking anyone to burn all the incense or not brush your teeth and live in a mud-hut, et cetera, et cetera.
But there are interesting things, for you to find.

Especially when you need some answers.

Yours truly.
M.

back

Hello, sweets, I'm baack!

Back from some super springtime travels.
Which were super.

Just, I'm not feeling this vibe, you know. As in, I'm not feeling any vibe at the moment, to be honest.
I don't really know what this is, but honestly, I have to get to the bottom of this because it's like eating me inside out. Not very pleasant.
Especially after 5 awesome days in STHLM which the most brilliant spring weather.

I don't know whether this is growing pains (http://marriiialistra.blogspot.com/2012/11/november-is-nearly-finished_5928.html) or what? If it's growing pains, I'll take it, embrace it and run with it. If it's something else, I'm confused.
This better be the end of Mercury being in Retrograde.

And now E just changed the GAME!
So my crap-est day of this year so far (I kid you not) will now end at her penthouse heaven, with a 6-pack of Corona beers, 2 limes, tortilla chips and garlic dip, and Macdo. YES.
I mean, YES. If in doubt, get this plan out!
I mean, life saving SWAT-team, 1-2-3.

And now, it's magically midnight. And the day is officially over.
I started this post this morning, and I've successfully made it through this day. With no fights, no bleeding or broken bones, no loans or car crashes or anything, or unnecessary questions.
So pleased.

E. has gone to sleep and I'm all tucked it, writing.
I feel so relaxed that it's almost divine.
And so, once again, the saying comes to mind that "everything passes". At the times when everything is exceptionally good, this is a hard thing to think about. However, under the opposite circumstances, this is nice and balmy.

So, as I said, I'm back.
I'm back from my travels and I'm going to hold on to my STHLM energy with teeth and nails and not let it slip away into nothing. I want it and I need it and I deserve it and I owe it to myself.
Armed with this I could get stuff done, and that is what I want.

My STHLM adventures and photos coming soon.

I truly hope you've had a more peaceful time with the old Mercury.

With love.
M.


Something from A. to bring cheer to my day.

wolf

The wolf has truly become my animal.
And a symbol.

I'll write more about this soon.

i
am
wolf

Nordic Grey. 
M.