turn it into

There was this thing somewhere - "Don't dwell on the past, but turn it into art."

I have been creating somewhat lately, or at least I don't feel uninspired.

But still, I feel, there's so so much room, for more.
So many things I want to do and so so many things I want to accomplish.

So many ideas that are kind of there, but kind of not.
Seedlings.

But hey, can't rush stuff.
It gets there, when it gets there.
And I'm not brave enough to talk loudly of not-even-new-born ideas.
But soon.
I'd love to talk about these things, out loud, soon.

For now, keep creating.
And I'll do the same.

Yours truly.
M.

love

Last night I was sat in a sauna, around 2am.
I was there on my own, which hasn't happened in a very long time.
I used to do that all the time in our old house but ever since it's always either with friends, or at the gym. All good options.
But it used to have a very different effect and meaning for me.
A semi-meditative almost-ritual, just some purifying time alone.
And a time for good thoughts, lots of new, good thoughts.

And so I sat there, late last night.
Spanish and CH were sat outside, and I was in the sauna thinking my thoughts.

And out of nowhere sprang these ideas about love.
And what makes "it work".
I've seen so many people, find love, fall in love, experience the feelings.
And then something happens.
And so I ask, what happens?

And the more I looked at this the more I realised that love is everywhere.
We find it everywhere.
As a race, you know.
And there are so many people we could connect with, given the circumstances.
So love happens, everywhere.
But that's not It.
"It" is a decision.

When a person decides, "yes, I choose you", and coincidentally the other person decides just the same, "I choose you too", then "It" happens.

I've seen so many of my friends choose.
But one of them.
As in, they choose, but the other one simply doesn't.
And that's how far it goes.
This is nothing about, value, worth, or "if I would've had better hair", or "laughed at his jokes more".
Et
cetera

It's not a game of what-if-i-could-persuade-someone-to-appreciate-me-please-please.
It's choice+choice.
(Or very often, choice+not choice.)
Point is.
Don't fret, darlings.
Just make sure you make your own choices, make them right and make them in time.

Yours truly.
M.

In other news - I miss the Christmas tour. Good sign!

glasses

Spaniard's glasses.
Because today was a day for this.
However, I did not wear them. She did.
I simply entertained myself for a little while.

Today was a good day and now it's time for some Australian Masterchef, or the Great British Bake-off.

Tomorrow, is Wednesday.
Some emails, then "Searching for Sugar Man", and then off to see a friend, for some cooking time, sauna and just general relaxing.
I like this pace, main thing is to keep doing.

Yours truly.
M.

in case you're wondering..

..this is what I did 6am on Sunday night. Or morning. Monday morning.
Well whatever you'd call that time, this is what I did.





The reason for this madness was L's birthday.
I did use a wall to help me, but I did it nonetheless.
And I'm super proud.
Truly.
That feeling of accomplishment I got from spending 7 seconds upside-down was just beyond glorious.

Today I've sent The Email, that I had been ignoring for quite some time.
I also plan to send another email (which consists of three), one which I have also been ignoring for quite some time.

I had this realisation last night, walking home. (I guess this is one towards which all my work has been moving.)
And it was just this moment where I understood in some way that all of us Know everything anyway.
(I know this sounds fairly ridiculous, but please, bare with me.)
The truth of the matter is, if we could only shut up these problems, these fears that we're taught, these complexes and the rest of the bullshit, then all that remains is knowledge.
Pure, simple knowledge.
Understanding of our own worth, our path, the "next move".
All the "what I need to do next".

Truth is, we are not born with fear.
Humans are said to be scared of two things, and two things alone (..not clowns):
- Darkness
- and Falling

So the rest of the crap just happens.
The "Life-happens" syndrome, as I've come to call it.

Unless we ask for what we want, we won't get it.
Unless we know ourselves, we won't know what to want (..on the soul-level. I'm not talking new shoes.)
Unless we accept ourselves, we won't know ourselves.

So forget what the first grade bully said, or the ex-boyfriend, or that one friend, or your aunt who thinks she has All the Answers, or your dad that one time when he was angry, or your mum who's scared of new things, or the friend who wants something else than you, or the society, or some book or another.

Because no-one knows You, like you know You.

And the fear, it's not yours.

Yours truly.
M.

STOP

Comparison is so boring.

Just saying.
Just saying.

99% of us do it. Why?
Seriously - to what logical, reasonable, or useful end?
It has none.
Like, none whatsoever, none at all.

So why?
Why torture yourself with the how much, how little, how big, how small, how tall, how smart, how blonde, how brunette, how rich, how poor, how emotional, how loud, how flexible, how multi-lingual, or whatever anyone is.
This who-has-less-who-has-more crap is so stupid.
It's useless and will never, ever, until the end of the burning Sun give any useful outcomes.
Ever.

So as opposed to listing all the things you are not (and in some cases can never be, ie. born Chinese, or have legs that are 10 inches longer, or be double-jointed, etc.), focus on what you are, and all the AMAZING things you can do with all of it.
(You don't lack, anything.)

And I should really do that too.

Trust the process.
Yours truly.
M.

sell all the things

Tomorrow, Saturday, it's time for a huge huge vintage/2nd hand sale in Tallinn!
And Spanish and I have bought a table to get our hands wet with the buying and selling madness.

So currently my room is in a state unlike any other, because for the first time in 7 years I have all my clothes in the same place and out at the same time.
But I'm powering through!

Gotta wash, gotta dry, gotta pack 'em - and then I'm all ready for tomorrow!

First wash (whites) is on.
Next on the agenda is putting the to-keep items into boxes, which will stay in my room.
And the rest of the stuff into the suitcase and huge Ikea bag.
I'm thinking of making "spring/summer" and "autumn/winter" signs, so it's easier for the people to browse through.
I think that would help.
And we're also planning on getting some biscuits - I'd rather haggle eating biscuits, than not, y'know.

Getting this done will be a big thing for me.
It's been on the want-to-do list for so long, and it will mark another step towards the place I wish to get to.

And I will.

Website handy in English.
http://kirbufestival.telliskivi.eu/en/


Gosh, I want to get to the end of this.

Yours truly.
M.


(Doutzen forever in thr backdrop haha)

Rachel

I mean, I don't really remember how many times I've posted about Rachel Brathen, but quite seriously, I find her so positive, and positively inspiring!

So therefore.
Just some shameless link-giving.
http://www.rachelbrathen.com/
http://instagram.com/yoga_girl
http://www.facebook.com/rachelsyoga?hc_location=stream

I just find her super awesome.
Simple as.
And promoting really healthy ideas, and images of women, men, people, dogs and whatever.
And courage.
Courage to more from Sweden to Aruba (??), in your early twenties, and do things your way.

Seriously.

This also goes hand-in-hand with my constant reminder at the back of my head: "Hey, Maria, do yoga. Why are you not doing yoga."
I love it, yet I'm not doing it.
Shall be fixed.

Thursday for Rachel.

Yours truly.
M.

being pisces

So I read this thing somewhere.
About how each of us have something to learn from our Zodiac sign.
How the negative aspect of it is a vessel for learning, your own personal lesson.

I am Pisces.
The double-fish.

"Pisces Suns may spend a good portion of their lives yearning for understanding, and the other part in a state of divine discontent. Suffering is sometimes glamorized in the Piscean world.Harsh realities are avoided either through escapist behavior or self-delusion; but every now and again reality does raise its ugly head, and hits Pisces over the head. This is a sad time indeed. Pisces retreats into their own world, self-pitying and giving pep talks to themselves.
Some might even wonder if Pisces finds pleasure in suffering. Sometimes this is the case, but most of the time, Pisces pulls a lot of creative energy from sadness. Pisces is the poet or artist with angst, although this trait is often more apparent with Moon in Pisces.
Many Pisces seem almost allergic to things like shopping lists, maps, directions, and instructions, and for some brave souls, even watches — they prefer to feel their way through life than to follow some plan."

This is so very much like me.
From all angles.

Therefore - I need to learn how to sink my claws into something solid.
Something that doesn't shift and would therefore give me the stability that I'm so very much yearning for.
All the time.

It's true that this moaning thing sometimes becomes a juicy bone for Pisces. Self-pity has no benefits, let's get this straight.
The thing is, I really feel like I've grown out of this enjoyment of the mutable state.
Life is mutable enough. We can't foresee the choices and actions of other people, or the weather for that matter, anything, so truth be told, we control very little.
But we can choose for ourselves.
So why not do that.
I used to be a big fan of letting things go, just unravelling, my things, and therefore miss opportunities, really positive ones. Miss people, miss chances, miss life.
And that's as boring, as it is stupid.

I'm yet figuring out what the answer is.
Something physical would make sense.
I find that some kind of movement grounds me in the body, which is a really easy, "normal" thing, to sink your teeth into.
So even if you can't control A, B or C, you sure as hell can control your arms and legs.

Learn from your sign.

Trust
the
process

Yours truly.
M.

projects

So.

Time to talk projects soon, darlings.

This autumn season.
The season is coming.
The Season of Work Things And Stuff.

Autumn used to have a very very, very, specific meaning.
Autumn used to mean knowledge, lots of it.
A huge intake of knowledge.
And then people.
And sometimes new people, sometimes old people.
But people.
And structure.
Autumn used to mean structure.
And knuckling down. Real hard.
Like, real real hard.
Like, working-butts-off territory.
Only the past few years this pattern has changed.
I used to look forward to that kind of an autumn.
I remember the feeling.
The "School Feeling".
I used to get excited, about autumn, and the smell, and the new pencil case, and paper blocks, and you know.
Developing, growing.
Getting smart.
The idea of getting smart.
Getting better.
And the idea of getting better.

So yes, this is why I liked autumn.

But now I fear it.
I don't know where this association came from, but somehow over time I developed a fearful view of autumn.
The dying, the decay, the cold, and mist, and fog, and stuff.

I'd really like to script myself an Autumn-Winter '13 season that I'll love.
Using all these ideas, of improvement, of knuckling down and getting smart.
Learning.
I guess I've forgotten how much I love learning.

I mean, I really do.

So.
Gotta work at this.

I might actually find some photos.
Or like, a school time photo.
I seriously liked it.
And I've forgotten.

Yours truly.
M.

le feu

Here's some fire.
For you.
For your Tuesday.

I mean, I think this is just delightfully fierce.

Le feu.

Yours truly.
M.

doing

Seriously, this.

In order to BE, you must DO.
I must do.

Doing is the key.

Ideas are "it". You need to have them.
But then?
Ideas themselves are not the thing.
They need the meat. Give your ideas the meat.
The "doing".

Yours truly.
Back in the business.
M.

I'M BACK!

I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.

I'm back!



And news - I'm going to HONG KONG!
25th of September for 2 weeks and it's like MADNESS in my mouth to even say it!

To make this official, I gave myself a new desktop background - HK skyline.

So far, I haven't left Europe.
I've travelled a lot in Europe, but never got outside this continent.

I cannot even begin to slightly comprehend what this will be like.
It will shift something, something necessary.
I've got 5 weeks till we go, and plenty I want to do before.

This summer again has been fairly strange.
And again, when I blog little, it means stuff's a mess.
But what is mess for?
Mess is for working through it.
Which is what I'm doing.

I've got loads of pictures from the past few weeks, which I'll post soon.
Most of my time I've spent with the Spanish one.
I've decided to stay with her for a bit - it seems to be good for both of us.

Plenty will be done.

I've developed a thing for being a little chicken, again.
I'm not entirely sure where this came from.
10 years ago, at the special age of 14, if someone would've asked me: Hey, Maria, how would you describe yourself in 10 years?
I mean, cowardly would not have been one of the chosen words.

And it bores me, truly.

So, no more.
Whatever.

Here's to travelling, here's to marvel and exploring and friends.

Yours truly.
And now I'm back.
M.

travel-cat, again

Hello, all of you!

So I'm back from my gig on Saturday, and one of the islands.
I'm currently in Tallinn, getting ready to go to Finland, and see A. again.

I mean, it's pretty evident Tallinn is not the place I want to be right now.

Love it as I do, it does something weird to me.
I've got my family and my DEAREST friends here, but there's something about this city.
Rather - there's something about me in this city.
That I dislike.

I've got some unsolved problemos with anxiety, and they seem to get worse here, to be honest.
Rather, I can't seem to be able to get it under control here, as well as elsewhere.
And being on the islands, or at A's "mökki" in Finland - there's just more space to breathe and it's so peaceful.
Nature is good for stuff like that.
A very calming effect, which is what I'm after lately.

So for now I'm running around, practising escapism as hard as I possibly, humanly can.

However, the only (and I mean, the only) true downside to this is the lack of blogging.
For which I'm terribly sorry!

I'd love to write more and keep you updated with all the adventures and awesome things that are happening on my manic bouts of running around, but sadly my phone is not smart enough and the laptop isn't light enough to carry around.
So for now, my bits of writing are massively all over the place.
But I will try and make it better, soon.

I hope you're still reading and following.
And as soon as I have anything of value to share with you - I shall.

With love.
M.

chop wood

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” ~Zen proverb

today

The weather today is literally divine.


So, what's your definition of being successful?

There's this blog I sometimes check, when in need of something. I'm not her biggest fan, but sometimes she hits the right notes.http://www.bexlife.com/
I was listening to Bex's half an hour talk earlier on. And she stopped on the question of what we perceive as "success".

I mean, success is what people crave, very often. But what exactly do we perceive as "success"?
So, success for me, I guess, is living a life with health and family, a life in which I do what I enjoy, have people to share it with, and get paid good money. Enough to have freedom to travel, and explore the world. Challenging myself, and excelling at being Myself.

She had some pointers, some of which I really enjoyed -Identify your passion, write down things you love doing (even if this is watching trashy TV, or growing chickens in your back yard), circle the things that people might pay you for, and what people thank you for on a regular basis.
All extremely and I mean extremely useful things to do.

"Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard."
AEM said this to me, back when I lived in London. And he's right. I don't work hard enough, for my own measure. I used to work hard, now I pretend to work hard.
At this point can I just say I rock at deceit. I really do. I can convince everyone, including myself, of how "hard-working I am".
Lies.

Another one that I've always enjoyed, so much -
"Success happens when opportunity meets preparation."
This should put everyone's fear of failure (the greatest hinderance) to rest.
Do the preparation, do the homework, the go and channel it at the right people.
Boom.
I mean, life really is that simple.
We just like over-complicating it, starting with your's truly.

And so what I took from her and what I really plan on doing is this.
Work from "success" backwards.

In other words, take your idea of success and break it down, tracing it in backward steps.
Is doing whatever you're doing RIGHT NOW going to help you in the life you want, or is doing what you're doing the behaviour of the kind of person you want to be?

In order to be, you have to do.
There's no way around it.

So ask for opportunities, ask for favours.
And be ready to return them.
The asking for opportunities is something I really have to start doing.

And let's be honest, the whole aim of the game is to learn how to be "Best at being me".

I mean, I want to get to a point where I have opportunities of singing and making other art and/or connections in Europe and around the world, so I have to start behaving like that person.
As opposed to shutting myself off, and building this ridiculous shell.
Makes no sense.

In order to be, you have to do.

And after-all, it's summer, everything is fine, it's a Thursday, and the sun will rise tomorrow, so why not give it a go.

From the depths of Yoloheim.
Yours truly.
M.

visuals

I realised I haven't posted any photos really in so-so long!
So I shall rectify this right now.

First of all, a pap from my session with the pretty one, on this terrace in town.
Also, Maria's Book Recommendation: Jenny Diski "Stranger in a train."

Really do read this book.
So very enjoyable and so very excellent.
This was given to me by A.

And now the rest of the stuff I found.

I was helping a friend of mine do up their flat.
That day was GLORIOUS.
Worked on the flat, had some lunch in North Tallinn.
Just my kind of day.
I was a sweaty builder and loved every nano-second of it.

Tour flowers and latenight food at Spaniard's.

Helped dad build a fence.
This is the after shot.....

.............compared to the before.
Woo!

This amazing manor house, and the decor.
Just the kind of house where your wealthy anthropologist adventurer friend would live.

Some sunny, swimming days in Tallinn.

This was the last of the last.
Last gig, last minutes.

And so.
Tomorrow.

The forever elusive tomorrow.
I'm going to throw out a bunch of stuff.
Make some space.

...avant et arrière ∇.
M.

AUGUST

And so with the Arrival of August, it's time for one of these.
(I started this last November, when I decided to pick a theme for each month, so I could monitor my progress in whatever field a little easier. I haven't done this in a long while, but I feel it's time. I want to have this month by its ovaries.)

And so, without further ado.
"A is for."

ARMASTUS. (love, in Estonian.)

Art. More time for the things that make me tick. My positive triggers. Creating something, sharing interesting ideas with people. More art. Watching or doing or whatever. Just, art.

Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)

All-together.
Armour.
Alive.


Advice. I really have to learn how to understand when to ask for advice. I like to be a Know-it-all, but sadly, let's be honest, that's bullsh*t. No one knows everything. Besides, it's a lot more work figuring out something yourself, when I could simply ask. Why re-invent the wheel, eh?

Admit.

Assignment. I haven't challenged myself in a long while, so I think it's time for assignments. Whether it's fitness stuff, or just afore-mentioned getting my "affairs" in order, et cetera. Point being - I need goals, I need assignments.

Acceptance.
This one is important!
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy.
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.

Absolute.
Admiration. (Admire stuff! The world, the weather, the clouds, pretty things, ugly things, interesting things, people, matchboxes, cool flowers, food, and rain, and yourselves, and your friends. Admire. The more admiration you plant into the world, the more you'll convince yourself that this is a Divine place to live in.)

Always.
Always.

Arrive.
Arrival.
Arrivals. Don't be scared to leave places and go explore. Arriving is awesome.

Animation. Same as admiration really. Live with animation. There's not much point in holding back. If you REALLY like something, say it, feel it and share it. Laugh too loud and jump too high.

Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Abundance.

Aloud.

Approval. (We seek for it, from our parents, our friends, the society, our employer, la la la, so on. What about yourself? Do YOU approve of the person you are? Do YOU approve of the things you do? So please, earn your own approval. And again, this goes straight to myself as well as for all of you who might need this.)

Aims. Aiming.

Alight. Set yourself alight.

Amazement.
AMAZEMENT.
Follow the amazement.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

So this is all I have to say about August.
This is the kind of month I want to have.

Most important thing is, that whatever you want to Accomplish (...just in case you missed the fact that this was an "A" word..), be mindful about what you are doing for it, and give yourself a clear structure of how to get to this.
This might be a state of living, a job, a state of a relationship, or a state of mind for you and you alone.
Point is, make sure you give yourself what you want.
If you won't, no one else will.
(I'll try to remember this.)

So, here's one to the beginning stage of a glorious month!

Happy August!
M.

home comforts

This and this.

Since two-thirds of the summer are over, there's a part of me that already has an eye on the coming of autumn.
It is forever on my mind.
Time for home comforts.



Another thing I found was this.
I really want a wall like this.
My homage to sea, which I love, all quiet, terrible and utterly free.
It is where I'm most at peace.



I feel really ..un-ordered.
In my thoughts.
Like, old baggage.
Leftovers.
But, nothing that pen and paper can't handle.

Work to be done.
M.

the Return

And once again, I'm back!

These past few months have just been a string of leavings and returnings.
And so I have once again returned from Finland.

My stay with A. was super peaceful.
We did some rowing (I have a blister hole in my hand to prove it), spent a lot of sauna time, had some excellent food cooked by her parents, points to a marvellous stake a la Father, did some talking, a lot of board-gaming, face-masking, sunning, reading, tea-drinking, plenty of sleeping and so forth.
In one word: summering.

Sadly I have absolutely no photos.

So yes, I've no returned to Tallinn with a head full of thoughts, that need to be organised.
Pronto.

And I'm also planning to go back to Finland again, next week.

Summer-time.
M.