hunger

Forever blood thirsty.


I'd be such an excellent Viking warrior.
Seriously.


Bring back the fight.
With love and fire.
Yours truly.
M.

mood board

Also, where in the 7 heavens is my mood board?
That A. and I started making in AUGUST?

Pro
cras
ti
na
tion

na
tion


No.
Refuse.
Refusal.
I mean, REALLLLYYY.

Do the things you need to, now.
Do the things you want to, now.
Do the things you are thinking of, now.

Now-now.
Yours truly.
M.

like the old days

The Friday just gone was a glorious, glorious, glorious day.

Even the weather was nice.

So much good was sorted, and realised, both by me and her.
And then we decided to have some cake to celebrate.
Which we did.
And then we decided to go to the 100th season opening at the National Opera house.

Which we also did.

And it was great.


Just the atmosphere.
Black-tie and red carpet.
The people and the whole set-up.
And the gala concert itself was excellent standard.
And the whole thing just made me very happy.

And afterwards we took photos outside the opera house, and just, that's what I want.
I want to sing, and I want to learn how to use my own voice, so much better than I can at the moment.
And I want to be the dedicated student, I want to excel at studying.
And I want to learn all the parts, and sing to all the people.
And just ..make music.
I think that's the highest purpose I have.
I just need to not stand in my own way.
As do most of us.

And I want to just embrace all of it.
As me and for me and you know..
Not pretend or try to be something for someone else.
'Cause that never lasts.

I want to excel.


Then we had Vapiano pasta and prosecco (dressed as shown below).
And then I went and (roughly) doubledd the happy-ness.
So much so, that I couldn't sleep till 5.10AM.
Adrenaline-cat was at work.

Interesting times are ahead, my darlings.

As ever.
Yours truly.
M.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

move

The pretty one said, something along the lines of, this is what our bodies really want to do when we meet that someone special.
This video is just beautiful.
And Sigur Ros melts my soul.
Every time.

Enjoy.
What love is like.

Yours truly.
M.

face

I should honestly tattoo this on my face.

Learning.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today.

Oh, today.
What shall we do with you.

I mean, either I'm weird, or this is some sunshine disorder, or whatever.
Yesterday I was so full of everything, life and energy and desire to do stuff, mainly.
None of which is here today.
And neither is the sunshine.

Actually, the sun was so lush yesterday, I caught a bit of a face-tan.
I mean, mega.

But today is not yesterday.
Today is gray and real quiet, and a little somber.
A somber Friday.
I do have quite a lot to do, but somber-ness and me don't make for a very good working combo.
Besides, Place beyond the pines (yesterday) really put me in a little hole.
I think I'm partially still in it.

But no, today has potential to be very very excellent indeed.
So let's turn this around, very soon, and properly.

I think this is the biggest thing that has changed.
I used to think that I can't and therefore didn't want to change my "bad" days.
But that is so different now.
I don't enjoy this anymore, at all.

Which means I have a choice.

And today, I choose to have a "good" day. No, really, a good day.
And see the people who want to see me, and I want to see.
Do the things I need to do.
Do the things I can do, and want to do.
And live a little you know.

I choose.
M.

back

Hello, sweets, I'm baack!

Back from some super springtime travels.
Which were super.

Just, I'm not feeling this vibe, you know. As in, I'm not feeling any vibe at the moment, to be honest.
I don't really know what this is, but honestly, I have to get to the bottom of this because it's like eating me inside out. Not very pleasant.
Especially after 5 awesome days in STHLM which the most brilliant spring weather.

I don't know whether this is growing pains (http://marriiialistra.blogspot.com/2012/11/november-is-nearly-finished_5928.html) or what? If it's growing pains, I'll take it, embrace it and run with it. If it's something else, I'm confused.
This better be the end of Mercury being in Retrograde.

And now E just changed the GAME!
So my crap-est day of this year so far (I kid you not) will now end at her penthouse heaven, with a 6-pack of Corona beers, 2 limes, tortilla chips and garlic dip, and Macdo. YES.
I mean, YES. If in doubt, get this plan out!
I mean, life saving SWAT-team, 1-2-3.

And now, it's magically midnight. And the day is officially over.
I started this post this morning, and I've successfully made it through this day. With no fights, no bleeding or broken bones, no loans or car crashes or anything, or unnecessary questions.
So pleased.

E. has gone to sleep and I'm all tucked it, writing.
I feel so relaxed that it's almost divine.
And so, once again, the saying comes to mind that "everything passes". At the times when everything is exceptionally good, this is a hard thing to think about. However, under the opposite circumstances, this is nice and balmy.

So, as I said, I'm back.
I'm back from my travels and I'm going to hold on to my STHLM energy with teeth and nails and not let it slip away into nothing. I want it and I need it and I deserve it and I owe it to myself.
Armed with this I could get stuff done, and that is what I want.

My STHLM adventures and photos coming soon.

I truly hope you've had a more peaceful time with the old Mercury.

With love.
M.


Something from A. to bring cheer to my day.

linear lives

I wrote this in August.

The Universe is so giving.
It’s us that choose wrong.
We ask for things we don’t need, or think we want but don’t. Things we might have been conditioned to want, but we want them anyway. And the universe will provide. Of course it will provide, because how could it not. It’s the universe, man.
And then we sulk, and despair, and the rest. But not because fate or whatever is cruel, but because we chose wrong. We asked wrong. Like a fairytale.
We chose wrong.
If you want something enough, you will get it. So how do you know what you actually want?
Or is it like bingo?
You gamble.
Trial and error.

Well this deserves nothing but a big, fat, LOL. Trial and error. That can’t be right, can it?
Hey, mighty universe, I’m just gonna TRY OUT these few things.
Thanks. Wink. 

And now spring is coming.
And I'm home.
And I'm really in a very different place compared to August, which was big big hot mess, let's be honest. Everything just ground to a halt and the mill for some reason stopped turning.
But I am so so balanced where I am now, compared to then.
And for this, I am grateful.

I don't yet know what anything means to be honest, but I'm really learning to like it. And considering the fact I have always been the girl with the plan, I'm proud of that.

Because if I don't yet know what to ask from the Universe, I'm better not going to ask anything at all.

Careful what you wish for.
M.

theatre

jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus
jesus


I want to have my hands and forearms elbow-deep in theatre.

Elbow
Deep

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
M.

boring

I'm currently bored, by myself. As in, "I" am boring "me".
Hahahaa, such a ridiculous statement! But I mean, really. I can't even like, begin to describe. To be honest, you must have quite a good idea since you read this blog. But you know.
I haven't worn anything but my tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie for I don't even remember how long.

Tomorrow is a day off.
I will take one day, and I will refuse to think about moving.
I'm gonna meet H. in town, and we'll do something fun, exciting, and un-boring!

Current total is 8 boxes, and around 75kg.

Later on I think I need a good-long full-works bath, and to just sit, and watch TV or something like that. Keep up with some Kardashians, or watch the new Grey's anatomy. Or do my nails, some beautifying routines anyway. Something to remind me that there's more to life than dusty boxes, and trying to figure out whether I desperately need this one specific thing in my life or not.

I feel like a sock.
No, thanks.M.

say my name

At some point in my life, I want someone to throw a ball, for me. (By ball, I do not mean a basket ball. I mean, a ball, a dance, a party. Could be a masquerade. That would be so much fun.)
I don't really mind the occasion, I don't think there has to be a big occasion for people to want to throw dances and dance with masks on.

And a waltz, in itself. Such a brilliantly ominous and/or seductive form. (And i think it often doesn't get the credit it deserves.) I would like to waltz. But to good waltzes, I shall post some later, not the flippant kind. This doesn't mean flippant isn't good, just it could be so much better in my books.

Devil's ball.
M.

♎

A perpetual search for balance.

Maybe that's the reason why?M.

dagö

I would very much like to feed sugarcubes to my dragon out of the palm of my hand. I would love that.

And I need to go sailing.

Wind in your sails, M.

what do i need?

Hey, ladies und gents.
Turns out that there are some questions that I have absolutely gloriously managed to start ignoring.
Example 1. What do I need.

I find it staggering just how little time I spend on that question. Being active in the world of arts I think it is vital to have a degree of self-involvement, so much of what I do is self assessment and so on. I am fairly self-assured in the things I do and don't (to my own knowledge) let my own "needs" slip away. Maybe I do? How can I be certain I give myself what I need if I never even ask the question? Surely that is a double negation. Whatever.
Point being. I am going to Basel.
I was thinking this over and over and over, blah, blah, blah, and then, I decided that what I needed right now was a change of air. Therefore, Basel it is.
15th till the 19th of May I can be found somewhere in Basel in A's company, under some Swiss trees, with some Swiss cheese (that is such a rhyme), with some Swiss wine.
I am going to get so excited over this.

yes. because this is what I NEED. Therefore, I will do it.
THIS FEELS SO GOOD YAYAYYAYAY!
Goodnight.
Over and out, M.