Samsara

For the purpose of lacking the human vocabulary, all I'm gonna say is - just watch it, please.
And watch Baraka, the previous one, for that matter as well.

Samsara meaning "continuous flow", is the repeating cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth (reincarnation) within Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Yoga and Taoism.

Thank you, Ron Fricke.
M.

most

Compared to 6 months ago, I'm actually doing the things that frighten me most.

So go me!

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
M.

granny

The granny I'm absolutely going to become.
This is me just before my 100th birthday.
Which is also when I decided to die.
After the birthday, that is.
100 and then, c ya!
It gives such good structure I feel.

Granny with a cigar.
I'd sooooo tell the BEST stories.
The LIVING best.

Here's to hardcore Grannys.
M.

today

Today is Wednesday.

Today I was sat at my computer in my home office (ha) writing work emails for 7 hours.
Not a joke.
Not a joke.
Also, in my PJs because I woke up and decided I had so much to do that getting changed would be a waste of time.
However, this means I got a whole big bunch of stuff done.

And now I'm going to town, to listen to some poetry by one of the guys who's singing at my Scaffolding gig.
And then the Spanish one and I will have our socks blown off by Samsara. (Google dat.)

Peace out, far and wide.
M.

PS: That's a lollipop. No joke.



PPS: We did a pretty excellent multi-media sex scene to this once. And it's also a SICK tune.

motherf_

This
SONG

YES
DEAN
GO
DEAN
THANKS

Beat of my Wednesday.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today was a Tuesday.
And the weather was nice.
I saw an old friend (although she's like a forever friend to be honest), talked some art with interesting people and then ended the day on this terrace, which is awesome.
So now I'm home. Chilling and being horizontal, with Biggest Loser.

I'm quite chilled out.
This feels nice.

I've got plenty of work to do, but I will wake up tomorrow morning and do that, and for now these thoughts are allowed to vacate my mind.

And leave behind, peace. Tranquil peace, which is of course emptiness in itself. But not the kind of emptiness that should ever be feared.
The good kind.

Oh, and, what I wanted was interesting people.
And this is what I got.
Tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good about stuff, regardless of all the things I still need to do.
I will always have things to do.
But tonight, I'm allowing myself to feel good.

Allow yourself to feel good.
M.

pet of the year

Enjoy.
M.

this

THIS
SONG

This serves as a reminder: I want/need to get my next tattoo done.

With love.
M.

lazy yogi

There's this guy on tumblr, calls himself the Lazy Yogi.
And he dishes out some wisdom alright.
His website is really good, too.
http://lazyyogi.org/

This was a response written to some babe, but there's a lot of clever stuff in there which applies to many many people I know.

Hope you are all going to have a peaceful Monday.
M.

Before you open up to others again, open up to yourself. It sounds as if you are still carrying around past pain. 

Instead of dwelling on and reliving how things went in the past, take your attention deeply into this moment. What traces of the past do you bring with you into the here and now?

You don’t need to fight it or change it but rather to become abundantly clear and aware of it. Then you can see it for what it is: past thoughts you are continuing to react to. If you continue to react to a past which no longer exists, there will be no end to your pain. 

Time erases the past on its own and you will move on, but you don’t have to wait for that to happen. Awareness practices such as the one I describe above in combination with daily meditation will help you to let go. 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

The more you close yourself off, the more you will feel isolated. It is to your own benefit that you remain open and loving, of anything be it a flower or a puppy or another human. 

Just because things played out one way in the past doesn’t mean you should assume it will be so forever into the future. Although it may be worth re-examining the kinds of boyfriends you feel attracted to and why. 

Namaste :)

friends

This is just the period of time when I guess the lesson is to learn who my friends are.
The ones I can really really lean on, if necessary.
And just in general, what do I have.

And I mean, yes, it's hard, understanding just how little solid ground we are all actually on.
But isn't that what I bargained for?
A quarterly life assessment?
So I got what I wanted.

It's just hard.
Not starting to feel lonely, and whatever.
But.
This is for a goal! This is what I need to keep in mind.
This is what I wanted.
A new, solid solid beginning, new foundations.

These are the roots.
These are the roots, and the foundations, and the beginnings of the rest of my life.

With love.
M.

past

The past is crashing in through the door like a fast tank-truck, with a really drunken yet determined driver.

I really hope it's the full-Moon or something.
I honestly, honestly do. Because this is super boring.
I mean, none of this ever emerges without reasons.
So I'm doing my best to understand how and why this needs to be dealt with.

Sitting here, but feeling like 4 years ago is not my idea of fun.

It just feels like there are thousands of untied ends where my ordered thoughts should be.
And all this mess needs is just some work.
I need to tie my ends, if I want to get anywhere.

Happy Friday night, my dears.
M.

my day

I'm so pleased with myself right now.

With love.
LOLCATS.
M.

hang on

..but then again.
Isn't organising something "creation" as well?
Isn't that creating something.
I'm creating an event.
Creating.
Creative.

Okay, just so you know - my days are currently passing under the "Scaffolding concert" flagship.
And basically, in a nutshell, I'm organising it.
So.
As opposed to moan about not creating or not being creative at the moment, I should see this as absolutely creating something!
I mean. How the hell not?

We've got the singers.
We've got the scaffolding.
We've got the posters (currently in print).

Now we need to focus on the media and what we're actually singing.
Both points largely to do with me.
So hey, as opposed to moan about what we DON'T have or what I have NOT done yet - let's concentrate on what we HAVE done and what is already there.
And that's pretty sweet.

Oh, also.
Got some solid advice from A. earlier.
She told me to do something I like.
Simple right?
Wrong.
Apparently I can't get this in my head.
"Otherwise its impossible to do the things you have to do without wanting to RUN AWAY".
I mean, seriously.
That's just what it is.

Sometimes we think it's productive not doing anything fun and only doing the things we have to do, and completing to-do list after to-do list after to-do list, but the truth is, once we forsake fun and actually having a great time, we completely lose productivity.
So in the midst of all the stuff you have to do and I have to do, it is absolutely crucial that we sometimes switch off, just send it all to hell and do something fun.
This weekend I plan to have FUN.
It's been too long.

Also. Without fun, all the positive cool projects will start feeling like a burden, and lose all the positive cool-ness they carry.
And where in the Jesus is the point in that?

So thanks, A.

Point to her.

I hope you're having a great Thursday.
M.


PS. Super sneak-peek. I hope these will be up eeeverywhere soon. So excited they're finished!!

create

I'm not creating, anything.
Lately.

Why.

Ridiculous.
M.

family

I want a family.

Not like right now, this second, you know.
But I do.

I want a family and this family to have a family home.
A family home.

This is what I want.
Truly, truly, truly want.

And what I want to (and can) give.


Things change, and people change, and I'm really trying to have the balls to just trust this change and go with this.
Which eventually comes surprisingly easy.
Once you let go of "I expected" or "I thought.." or "I am used to", or "No, no, I'm not like that", and all the other crap we "think", and "presume".

What a feeling, y'know.


First there's a slow growing dream.
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind.
M.


And this song.

READING

For men, and women.
Read this, there's good stuff in there.

With love.M.

http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/comment/articles/2011-11/22/tony-parsons-men-commandments/

leave the world behind

This is what I want.
Out of life.
This is what I want out of my existence and time given on this awesome planet.
I want the miracle and wonder.
No steel, no concrete. I don't want the new and I don't want the shiny.
I want open spaces and freedom and love for everything.
I want a little boat and stormy seas.
And I want moss and rain and nature, because that is what Home is like.
I want to swim in cold seas and look at stars and whatever.
Just marvel.

I always get back to this -
I want to marvel.
And I want to share my life with those who want to marvel too.
It's not my job or duty to convince anyone at all that all of this is a miracle.

I want to get my feet wet, travel, and sing.

And I want to give myself what I want and work at living a life like this, with peace and balance and quiet and calm.
Because if we don't give ourselves what we deserve, no one will, ever.
Ever.

And this is a solid piece of advice (and I rarely dish out solid advice) - if you find the little miracles, the friends who wonder and marvel with you, do not and I mean, do not let them slip away. Life is too short and these people do not grow on trees.
Because they are magic.

If the topic is "Things Maria wants to happen", this is top 1 of the list.
No questions asked.

Now please find some headphones or plug in your speakers, and watch this video.

Always.
M.

flickr

I like my flickr.
It started as a random option, a way of getting photos to the blog.
And now they updated it, and I really like it, all of a sudden.
So here you go.

No one apart from me (and now you) knows this exists, I don't keep it to pap expensive things or impress. It's just a record for me, of my things and whatever.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/marriiialistra/

Photos.
M.

tourist(s)

Sunday was a day for tourists.
And we were the tourists.
Me and the Spanish one.

Walked about, a lot.
And just enjoyed Tallinn.
Our capital, our darling capital.

And it was the first day of summer season legs for me.
Somewhat blue and pasty, it was sooo nice.
And my hatttttt.
And my Barbie satchel. That I've had since I was 5.

Here's one for syncing energies.

Ride the wave.
M.

where to?

No one knows
and that's okay.

Ok.
M.

affirm

I live in blissful harmony with the Universe. I receive radiant energy from the Universe now. The Universe is always guiding me, and I follow this guidance by trusting my intuition. My intuition is my connection to the miracles and blessings of the Universe.

blame

Placing blame makes no sense.
But I do.
I blame you.
I swear I'll stop.

But I do, I blame you.
And you, and you.

But the truth is.
The only, and I mean, the only thing I need to realise, is that this is not a competition.
Life.
No, seriously.
This is not a competition.
I'm not competing, nor do I have to prove, anything, at all. Ever.
Old habits die hard, but they too will die.
And disappear.

I want to forever be my own first choice.
And live accordingly.
According to this one very very very simple principle:
I will forever be my own first choice.

I think that is my biggest fear.

1st.
M.

patience

i don't understand how much you should have patience or impatience?
i don't understand anything about that at alllllllllll
whuuuuuuuuuuuuut

This is hilarious!
I found this post draft, written on the 16th of March, so 2 months ago.
And this is just so current, still, so therefore, this is hilarious.

Patience.

But the good news is, I'm learning.
I think I'm really learning.
And there's so so much positive hope in that.

Learn.
M.

summer

26 degrees and my hat came out to play.

Hello, hat.
M.

turn

So.
turning points in life
turn right or turn wrong
again

Take the risks, my darlings.
Take your risks.
Take them.
Seriously, take them.

This is the kind of night this is.
With thunder and lightning.
Fresh energy, fresh ideas, and fresh courage.

Could-have-schmould-have.
M.

days

Every single day when I don't write anything on this very blog, is a day when I don't focus my thoughts.

So this was 4 days too many.

I really have to write, every day.
It just helps.

So, do it, Maria.
Thanks.

You are the priority.
I am the priority.

Write.
M.

witches, unite

So, I went to this lecture a few days ago.
The speaker was a woman who was a proper nature-child growing up, then graduated as a med-student, but decided to go back to her roots. And live in the forests, and let her true being shine trough - being a witch.
She shared some really genuine and healthy ideas about living life as a woman, as a human being, as a being of Nature, as an organism, about love, children, choices, bravery, fears, decisions and doubt.

Since women are glorious creatures (with a vast expanse of potential life where our uterus is), we are all a little witch-y.
And apparently no woman can actually access her full (witchy-)potential without having her life sorted first (in terms of the job she has, the living surroundings, her home). There needs to be balance.

And then there's me.
Moaning, literally moaning, when I know exactly, I know with such painful crystal clarity what I need to do.
I need to get clarity in my life. The same clarity of understanding, I need to apply this to my life.
Now.
And then, and only then, will everything else unravel, and very quickly.
And in the right direction.
My path.
I need to transform this gelatinous mess (also known as my life currently), apply some balls, ruthless clarity and turn this mess into something clear and sharp.

And stop thinking of unnecessary things, when I know exactly what I should be thinking about.
Or rather not thinking about.
And doing.
Doing
doing
doing

Life is not a bunch of theory. Life is practice.
It's a practical thing.
All practice.

So let's cut the theory balls, and let's get practical.

Live
your
life
as
the You-est
You

With love.
M.

space

Back to this question, of space, my own space.
I was thinking about this today, as I was walking home.
Thinking of the way the floor will feel, thinking of having a vinyl player, and playing records of Chopin, or whatever, that I will have bought from this second hand/ vintage shop.
And cups of tea, sat on the floor, in socks.
And drawing, and having more and more courage to dream so big that I could almost faint and feel that I can't fit my dreams in my head and my heart.
And maybe get some of my friends to paint something on the walls.
And just make it my space.

My
space

My
own
space

for
me

Space
just
for
me

With love.
M.

bitch sharks

Enough said.

Bitch sharks.
M.

spring

And so spring continues, with ever-growing steps.
I don't really understand that June is 2 weeks away.
When
and
how
did
this
happen

It was cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, and now it's two weeks till June.
And I really need to kick this real estate thing into gear.

And these flowers below are amazing.y

Spring, time for doing things.
M.

morning

I think every day would start just that little bit better (apart from Sunday mornings, which are just another thing entirely), with a mug like this.
Also, not every morning. But just those mornings when you need the world (or your mug) to tell you to get off your ass and do stuff.

Get shit done.
M.

don't die at 25

“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75”

—	Benjamin Franklin

This quote, is so true.
This happens (and happens visibly) so much.
You notice people around you, not growing anymore.
And this is me deciding, I won't do that.
I refuse to be safe, or choose safe.
I refuse to die this young.
This period of time is for choosing brave and showing some frikkin' courage.
I want to keep the trust of a child, for a long long time.
And the courage to go head first.
And to keep looking, for the thing that makes me happiest, in this world.
And believe that true love exists.
And fall in love with everything, all the time, every day, with no questions asked and no boundaries.
And eat ice-cream.
And run around.
Because when did having fun stop being a normality.

I won't die at 25.
I won't die at 35, or 45, or anything-5.

I will carry on developing, and seeing, and seeking.
And marveling.
And wondering and wandering.
And seeing magic everywhere.
Because otherwise there is no point.

With all the love I hold.
M.

retrograde

A while ago I wrote about Mercury being in retrograde.
This time around it's time for Pluto to have some fun.
However, when Mercury's thing lasted a month, Pluto will have lots of funsies for 5 months and we're currently a month in.
So.

http://www.finerminds.com/consciousness-awareness/plutos-retrograde/

As ever, I don't follow these things knowingly. I stumbled upon this and in retrospective the first month has absolutely been following this song and dance.
Besides, these are all nice things and suggestions anyway, so why not.

The article's not very long, so if you've got a minute, look through it.
If anything is of use, we all get a point.
If not, no harm done.

Happy retrograde. 
M.


Me and E. spending a Monday night. Spanish one took the shot. Happy homeland times, one and all.

5 days

5 days non-blog.
5 days of some rehearsals, a lot of time in a library trying to find some music, which I found.
5 days of stressing about two gigs, and doing the two gigs, and them going well.

So in short all is well.
In some more detail, however, stuff's weird.
I still don't get where this weirdness is coming from.
It's boring to experience so I don't even know how boring it must be to read about it.
But as ever, everything is a work in progress, so I'm not despairing too much.

There's some things I need to do, and get done.
So I'll do that soon.

For now, I'm eating some cantarell mushroom pasta in Vapiano.
Seeing dad and the spanish one later.
Things need to be decided and I don't like deciding.
Note to self: make friends with decision-making.

I'll do my very very best not to disappear.

Peace out, lovely-ones.
M.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

sky

There's this boy I know.
And his eyes
-sometimes-
look like open skies

And they hold everything
And nothing
And all the spaces
In between all things

And it is so new
Looking into

me


M.

Ella

The divine.
I really should listen to more Ella.
It would fix and solve and relax a lot a lot a lot of stuff.

This song was basically the first one on Youtube, it doesn't really matter which one it is.
Point is. She has no time, no era, no nothing.
She just is.
Whatever, rhetoric fails.

Fitzgerald, I bow to you.
M.

Love of Life

Why do I often forget this?

The little things.
Buying yourself flowers.
Cooking something nice.
Seeing something extraordinarily beautiful.
This is the simplest, and the best life-force, when times get a little weird.
And it's also so easy to forget.

So let's not.
The pure love of life.

This blog doesn't have much to do with anything, but it's pretty and the pretty one sent it.
http://thepassionism.tumblr.com/

See the little things.
M.

don't i know it

His voice.

End up where you really belong.
M.

before

Usually I don't like these lists, but this one is quite fun.
And quite a lot of this is true.
Really is.
Really, really is.

Before.
M.

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.

3. Minimize your passivity.

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.

8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.

9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.

10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.

11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.

12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.

13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.

14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.

16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.

17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.

18. Stop hating yourself.

19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.

21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.

22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.

23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.

24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.

25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/25-things-to-do-before-you-turn-25/

move

The pretty one said, something along the lines of, this is what our bodies really want to do when we meet that someone special.
This video is just beautiful.
And Sigur Ros melts my soul.
Every time.

Enjoy.
What love is like.

Yours truly.
M.

gap

Whenever there's a gap in my blogging I can tell (and probably so can you) that it's a tricky patch.
But my tricky patches used to last months, now it's a few days - YAY!
I award myself a point.

But the main thing is that I'm moving, and things are moving.
And as opposed to digging myself into a deeper hole (which we all love doing), I'm getting myself out of it.
With the help of some trusty trusty, trusty friends.
Shout-outs from the heart go out to:
(in alphabetical order)
A.
E.

the Pretty one.
And last, but so not absolutely no-frikkin'-way last, the Spanish one.

Thank you.
I know I've said this to you each, at random times, but it's true.
And I don't expect you to help me so I'd thank you and fall over in gratitude, but I am, so truly grateful.
Because without friends like you I would never in a trillion years have the courage to do or decide the way I've decided. (So cryptic, ha!)

So.
Happy Saturday to all of you.
I'm off to see some friends.

With love.
As always.
M.

i am

What you say after "I AM" comes looking for you. And fast.
Elisabeth Fayt

I am  p e a c e. 
Please-thanks.
Come looking for me!

Peace.
M.


This was a while ago.