light the way

I must not forget this.



I don't believe in guardian angels really. Mum always has but they have never been my thing.
But many people along the way have said that I apparently have many.
As I said - it has never been my thing.

I now see it existed, for that reason.
As a guardian, to show me how exactly to carry on living my life.
Which is also why I saw the skies and the entire universe through it.
And myself, and my childhood, and the life I want.
The person I am, the person I could be, the person I do not wish to be.

And Love as I've imagined it.


Not to keep it this time, but to show me the way and path on which to carry on living my life.
Which is what I asked for.
Which is exactly what I asked for.
Direction and purpose.
For someone to show me the direction.

But I am only human so it has taken me this long to see it for what it was.
And as opposed to mourn the loss of something I thought I wanted to keep, I should rather be so grateful that I had this experience, this chance to shift my path.
To grow, and to change. Into someone a lot more like Me.

Because that's the greatest gift any one of us will ever receive.
And right now, I'm so grateful, it's stupendous.

And all this sense of loss or being deprived of something has gone, and all that remains is just gratitude, for having been given the chance to grow like that.
To have this reminder.
To have this sign-post.

It was never mine to keep, but it appeared to show me the direction.
Like in the folk tales.


And I have the Kaleidoscope to keep.
M.

walls

It's funny how there are two kinds of walls.
The walls which feel like walls, concrete, and cold and have absolutely no life in them.
They keep you from the light, keep you from air. Keep you from your dreams, buried and out of sight somewhere in cement.

Wall type number 2, however, is very different. These walls don't actually feel like anything. It's rather a safe and sound environment. They protect and keep safe. They are there, of course, but they don't feel like stone. They feel like, the palm of a hand.
Warm and protected.

Currently I'm residing between wall type no1.
Oh, joy, upon joys.
And this is also where a lot of my angst comes from.

I want my own HQ, you know?
Head Quarters where I can plot and scheme and plan my life.
A place that serves as inspiration, not hindrance.

UGH.
M.

break

Just finished the rehearsal.
I am supremely happy with how it went.
My 8AM alarm paid off, big-time.

In my head I'm always in Paris.

A celebratory coffee.
M.

purify

Dear souls.
It's time, to Cleanse.

cleanse

  [klenz]  Show IPA verb, cleansed, cleans·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to make clean.

2.

to remove by or as if by cleaning: to cleanse sin from the soul.

verb (used without object)

3.

to become clean.

pu·ri·fy

  [pyoor-uh-fahy]  Show IPA verb, pu·ri·fied,pu·ri·fy·ing.

verb (used with object)

1.

to make pure; free from anything that debases, pollutes,adulterates, or contaminates: to purify metals.

2.

to free from foreign, extraneous, or objectionable elements: to purify a language.

3.

to free from guilt or evil.

4.

to clear or purge (usually followed by of  or from  ).

5.

to make clean for ceremonial or ritual use.

verb (used without object)

6.

to become pure.

Really, mind, body and soul.
Proper deep-clean. A post-Solstice deep-clean purification.
I think it's only appropriate, y'know.

And it's so necessary right now, at this very point in time.
So, very, very, necessary.
Especially to get the clarity to see where my path is going.
I don't want to be weighed down anymore, by anything.
I want to have the clarity of vision to see freely where my life is going and is going to go.

Last Autumn I was doing so well, with the yoga and the eating and the reading and everything.
When was the last time I was consciously grateful for something?
When was the last time I made good food?
When was the last time I was mindful for like, half an hour?

Seriously.
So, therefore.
With the tour coming up, I've got the ideal opportunity to concentrate on this for a month.
Since we're constantly driving around the country, I won't spend any time in Tallinn.
Love my hometown as I do, it is the place where all the old patterns come barging in.

And so, here we go.
Let's cleanse.
Time for a plan later, but this is the journey.

Cleansed.
M.

out out, anyone?

So, here I was.
On the trolly bus, on my way home. Thinking of the quiet Friday night ahead, spent analysing the poems that the tour-songs are based on.
All no-make-up, dirty hair, random flip-flops, having spent the day with the Spanish one, dumplings and sunshine.

So, as I said, here I was.
And lo-and-behold, one of my homies sends me a message saying that she absolutely wants to go out and no one's taking the bait.
To which my answer was: "Have I ever said "no" to you, my dear?"

I've now done my hair, my face, and I just need to get dressed.

THIS IS SO GOOD, let's be honest.

Why? you may ask.
Well, that's because the next time I have a free weekend the calendar says "3rd of August, 2013".

That's why.

So off I go, to Yolo- and Humourland.

Peace.
M.

imma upgrade

what kind of a person do i honestly want to be?

i seriously plan to upgrade.
seriously

and that's the question, rather than anything else

down to the little details

the V-Maria
the version
can do the splits
wakes up early to have a lovely breakfast time
has a positive future vision
does not postpone anything at all to the last second
keeps a clear structure of what she needs to do (to-do lists)
works out, because she loves it
knows when to ask for advice
makes her intuitive ideas a reality
takes time to meditate
works on her yoga practice
plays the piano
makes time for herself
dedicates time to living her life as herself
doesn't forget her drawing and photography
doesn't waste time on empty worrying or anxiety
keeps positive reminders in her space
eats good food
works at her languages

this
signifies
living
my
life

So that's what and who i actually want to be.


GO BE IT.
M.

sexual predators

So, here's an interesting article about the fascination behind "the bad girl".

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/bad-girls-a-history-of-unladylike-behaviour-8533215.html?fb_action_ids=10152671836260529%2C10152682033995253&fb_action_types=news.reads&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210152671836260529%22%3A495977153796177%2C%2210152682033995253%22%3A10150126484701136%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210152671836260529%22%3A%22news.reads%22%2C%2210152682033995253%22%3A%22news.reads%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

Eat away.
M.



I googled "bad girl". Sorry, minors!!

drugs

This is an interesting read.

http://blog.johannessiig.co.uk/posts/2013/01/why-all-drugs-should-be-legalised/#more-99

...because they're illegal?
M.

tattoo

This tattoo.
Is incredible.

Tats.
M.

beach life

This is how I'd like to live.

http://www.abeachcottage.com/beach-cottage-tour

Beach.
M.

light

I passed you on a Sunday,
like I had countless
countless
countless times before.
I passed you where the walls melt,
and the daisies bend their heads.
I passed you in the sunshine,
almost touched your hand.
I passed you in the rain
and your light touched mine,
in all its glory
and the spectrum.
I passed you,
and I passed you again.

Drink it.
M.

kesäaika

I'm super in the mood for blogging.
This is nice.

https://soundcloud.com/onlychillstep
First of all, this is my current beat.
100% current beat.
This was our Fin-dventure soundtrack as well.
I plan to walk in chillstep through this summer, and onwards.



I have quite the to-do list for today but currently I am concentrating on coffee, an elongated breakfast and 24.
Jack Bauer is not having a good day, as per usual.
Later on I think I'll go over the things I figured out in Finland, and make some coherent notes.

I start the tour in exactly a week.
This means it's get-your-thoughts-focused-o'clock.
And it's only 11.30AM.

Sometimes it's hard just be to okay. Scrap that - not okay, rather "awesome".
What I mean is - because there's this constant sense of "I have to do this", or "I have to do that", and all these thoughts about life and career and whatever, along with some problems, and "issues". Blah blah.
So, it becomes hard to just ride the wave. And genuinely say, yes, I'm doing really well, and not for a day or so, but for a longer period of time.
But this is what we all need to practice.

Kyllä tämä kesäaika kestää koko elämän.

I'm doing pretty super, thanks.
M.

paradise lost

Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.
Pluto's Retrograde lasts till September.

Mantra.

I must not forget this.
Because everything that's happening at the moment is absolutely and I mean ABSOLUTELY following this pattern.

Everything.

Like, e-v'ry-thing.

"The things that are not right simply will not remain in your life. The Universe will not give them the chance."

So they will simply

....disappear.
Into nothing.

And that is good, in the end.
Just bare with Pluto till it's finished doing its thing.

And so just let them go.
This is the physicalisation of my "don't play god" project.
Just let these things go. Don't fight the ebb and flow.
Because we don't know anything anyway.
Trust life, trust the Universe.
Don't play god.
It's cocky and stupid.

And even if it's the very-very things that we want to keep so much and just breathe them in and press them against our cheek and our body, so tight, we cannot.
We can't keep those things.
If they go, they go.

Universe knows better.

It really, truly does.

So may we have the faith and belief and trust to go with it.

Peace and love, kids, peace and love.
M.

highlight

Apparently it was imperative to highlight my hair before Midsummer's.
Because why not.

Hair.
M.

visuals

North Tallinn is the place to be.
We went to this vintage clothes-and-other stuff sale last Saturday.
That place is magic. It's still got it's own atmosphere, unspoilt, but renewed.

New place in town, called Moment. Super love it.
Owner's vision: "like someone's livingroom"

Office hours. yes please

Saturday night in Tallinn.

That was the North Tallinn market.
It was a good day.

reading list

...from Rachel Brathen.
If you don't know her, go check her out.
http://www.rachelbrathen.com/

Anyway.
A super short reading list I plan to come back to after Finland and Midsommar.
Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks.
And also some Eckhart Tolle. I think this has been a long time coming.

I hope I get along well with these books.
I want some reading to really, really shake my brain.

And it's also time to update the blog appearance once more.
This always means a time to get back to writing and drawing and doing creative things a lot more.
Cause it annoys me to no end when I realise that I've been in a non-creative hole for a bit.

Oh, also, I realised the tour is starting soon so I want to start practising the piano, ready to utilise the grand pianos in the concert places.
So excited. For this.
Seriously.

And so here I am, downloading some music, drinking tea, and getting ready for my Fin-dventure a la Midsommar-madness.
Packing list also includes:
Swimsuit (for the forest lake YES)
Drawing pad (I need to sharpen dem pencils)
"Women who run with the wolves" (Recommend strongly)
And of course, in true Nordic style, mosquito repellent.

Have a super awesome weekend everyone.
I plan to return on Monday night having spent time drawing, swimming, breathing, meditating, probably skipping over some meadows, and just resting. Fingers crossed I get to row a boat. That would simply be nothing short of ideal.

So.
Not to underestimate the weekend ahead.
Not only is it the turning point in the year, and the seasons, plus it should also be some crazy moon situation, as I've heard.
Think good thoughts.
The shortest night of the year is so good for this.
And those Nordic ones reading this, go into a forest and see what's going on.
I mean, there's a reason our ancestors did that. Go find your luck and good fortune.
Spend some nature time. Get muddy and dewy and wet.

HAPPY SOLSTICE.
I'll leave you with Lana.

Peace.
M.

travel, child

And so, I'm back.
Hello, boys and girls!

First of all, Stockholm, then A. and I in Tallinn.
10 days of madness.
She left yesterday and now I'm preparing to go spend Midsummer in Finland, with K. and Pisces-no-2.

There's some promise of a bouncy castle, a rowing boat, lots of grilled sausage of course, a forest lake and just a steady steady 5-day period of Midsummer meditation-ness.
I
cannot
wait

Those who don't know, Midsummer is a big thing in Estonia. A big thing. Lighting fires on the shortest night of the year.
And it's amazing.

So that's my week to come.
Apart from that there's been plenty of circus, plenty of chats about life and the universe and myself.
Still trying to get some of the changes to solidify. Properly really solidify.
Because I much prefer this new Maria.



Oh, and I should also stop playing god. So should many many other people.
And just trust life.
Really trust life.

Peace.
M.

happy packing

New cider flavour - Peach Melba - with frozen raspberries.

It's official - I'm on holiday.

Holiday.
M.

STHLM

Here
we
go
..
again.

I fly today at 6pm, and then only the Lol-god knows what will happen next.
A. and I are back on Friday - I'm in STHLM till Friday, she's in TLN till next Tuesday.

I'm currently eating watermelon and packing. After having disappeared into the Scaffolding concert madness this comes at a ridiculously appropriate moment.

BRING
ON
ADVENTURES
With love.
Mayhem.
Of Chaos and Mayhem.

Saturday

..and it continues.

Saturday was scaffolding day!

The morning started with the last one of my Flower-valley (Lilleoru) lectures. Which was so dense.
And I think that in my head I was already back in Tallinn preparing the gig.
So I took notes but I need to work through all of it.
But the day was absolutely beaut so it was delicious being there.

Then 7 hours of wisdom later mum and I drove back, straight to the church.
Some getting ready time, a quick rehearsal with the pianist, learning some last words.
And then off we went!


I'm so pleased we did this.
And it was so good.
The feedback was so super, like truly super. I was so surprised just how much it had touched people, including my own friends.
And I hadn't done a big project in so long, so in terms of person accomplishment this day was huge, for me.

Also, through this project I found an idea that I want to carry with me and share for a long long time:
That beauty will remain if we share with one another. (Crap translation on my part. "Üksteisega jagades jääb ilus püsima" in Estonian.)
The idea that everything fades, if we don't share. This applies to values, language, culture, ideas, beliefs, memories, stories and heritage. Share. Share with your friends with your families.
Tell them stories, show them photos, but share.
Because I've realised I don't believe in much else than just the beauty of this world, life and planet.
So share.

And then Saturday night brought more circus.

I went out, everywhere, with my backpack.
Saw the girls, sat with some friends, and then at 4AM met the Spanish one for a trip to Privé. Which was circus. Let's just say a whole session of "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" ensued and it was just ridiculous ridiculous jokes.

The Saturday night ended on Sunday at 9pm (?!...I rate us highly), in Vapiano, with two bear shaped pizzas.

Complaints?

NONE.
M.

Friday

Well this weekend brought lots of new ridiculousness!
I'll have to post this in several goes.

Friday was lots of scaffolding stuff, of course.
But the evening brought with it "Tour de Night" (Tour d'ÖÖ in Estonian) - one of the main events of Tallinn Bicycle week.
It was basically wayy over a 1000 cyclists cruising around Tallinn. The Spaniard and I went along as well.
AND IT WAS AWESOME!

The beginning was fairly slow, cause there were just so many cyclists.
But as we got going it was so much fun it was ridiculous!
And I was so happy Spaniard came with me so we got a chance to share all the fun.
Afterwards we went to McDo on our bikes, Drive-In, thank you very much.
And then into town - on our bikes.
Seriously - this Friday was so golden!
We biked back around 2am. We took hold of the bus lane because why not. We were singing our hearts out and seriously, it was one of the best Fridays I can remember.
Spanish one went to her friends and I went home.
GOLDEN, I tell you.

And all of a sudden I've really fallen in love with this whole cycling thing. The city just shows a really different face when you're a cyclist, and it's a very very nice face.

Stay cycling, boys and girls.
M.

(I love the plastic bag. This was the very beginning of the night and I was on my way to dad's to pick up a bike lock and a backpack which is now my new friend.)

A pap from the Tour d'ÖÖ in May.

nighttime

I completed my Wednesday to-do list!
I did all of that.
And that's pretty sweet.

Then went to stay with the Other Pisces, with the Spanish one. She lives 40 minutes out of Tallinn and it was absolutely more divine than I-lack-the-word.
We got there just in time for sunset, watched the sun go down down down on a beach. Then ate some smoked fish and watermelon and ice-cream, and then chatted about life and the universe. And got tucked into our mega-snug beds.

Morning time brought breakfast and sunbathing and more chats about life.
The energy is so good with those two - good to chat spiritual stuff. I don't think I've ever had that. So my gratitude goes out to the Universe. Muchos gracias.

And back to the capital I came, riding on a jolly yellow bus.
Did a soundcheck, saw a dance-puppet piece with E. (which was pretty super), had a rehearsal and sorted some other stuff for the Scaffolding gig (which is in TWO days?!).
AND I borrowed a bike from the pretty one and rode that home which made me happier than a pup with two tails.

Over-all, busy-Maria.
And I cannot wait to get away again.

With love.
M.

aujourd'hui

Today will consist of or has consisted of:
7AM wake-up
Writing a to-do list
Going to the library/getting music
Radio interview
Rehearsal
Figuring out what I'm singing
TV-people filming at the scaff? (actually scaffolding in the church)
Drawing a plan of who is standing where on the scaff/sending it to the sound designer


Actually, now that I've written it out like this, it doesn't sound that bad!
Woo! This was a good shout!

Peace.
M.

Let's bitch on this day.
PS, that's still a lollipop.

cake joy

I feel this truly is one of the purest forms of joy.

Cake.
M.


This was with E.
She didn't have cake tho.
Otherwise it would have been DOUBLE-cake-joy.

need

"What do I need?"

Aaaaannnndddd we're back to that one.

My favourite question of all, the lack of which I realised last year?
That this wasn't in my vocabulary.

What do I want - oh, yes.
What do I crave - absolutely.
Or another favourite, what do other people need from me? Or need me to be?
Great.

But what do I need?
Apparently not.

So the age of What Does Maria Need is about to start.
I mean I swear I'll plaster this on my face or something.

What do you NEED.
M.


This was taken around 6.20AM, last Sunday morning, as I was walking home from this new place in Tallinn called Moment.
That night was circus.
That night was what I needed.

enough

How gracefully we let go of the things that are not meant for us.

Enough, child. Enough now.

Really, honestly - enough.
M.

gracefully

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

HOW GRACEFULLY
YOU LET GO OF THINGS
NOT MEANT FOR YOU

Let's, PLEASE, just let this sink in. Please.
Because all truth and happiness is in that.

How gracefully you let go of things not. meant. for. you.

Measuring, and hearing, and understanding what is meant for us and what isn't and listening to our intuition.
Because your intuition is always right, always.
Your intuition already knows everything.

So let's just remember this, right.
Let go of things not meant for you.

And so. Every day start again.
Because nothing matters apart from what you do today and how you live today.

What we do today, matters most.
M.

wwhhuuttttt

Well.

Well-well-well.

Well this was a day and a half.
I woke up 22,5 hours ago.
(This was written at like, 7AM.)

This day lasted 8.30 till 7.30AM.
And it was a good day.

That consisted of, Flowervalley open day, singing at a wedding, Svjata Vatra at Freedom Square for World Day in Tallinn, then nap at the Spaniard's, then town with E. and then madness ensued in Moment.
And then I walked home in the sunshine, with lots of birds and Lana Del Rey and daffodils.

And now it's half 3 and I'm sat here, with a towel on my head.
It's gorgeous outside but I'm not feeling it. I've spent so much time outside lately and it's quite nice being home.

The two previous nights have been succchhh huge learning opportunities.
And the lesson is:
Concentrate on yourself.

Fullstop.
Lesson over.

Now go, and study hard.

With love.
M.

This was this morning, at 7.20AM.