reminder

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

—	Margaret Atwood

this week

This week has been super busy and the countdown to HONG KONG has now shrunk down to 10 days!

When did this happen!

I meet Asia, in less than 2 weeks.
What an absolutely strange concept.

I don't know why, but I stilllll cannot even begin to understand just HOW huge this adventure is going to be!
So strange!
I really want to start UNDERSTANDING this, noww!

(So sorry for the excessive caps-lock-ing.)

I mean, really.
Usually I'm almost climbing walls with all the excitement when A. and I take on Stockholm.
So now, when we're faced with her homeground HK, I'm like struck dumb.

Anyway.
This week has been super busy.
Got some nice work things done, and seen some lovely friends.
Last night went out for a little while and then another clothes sale today.

The rest of today was just for resting, on my ass, and mostly horizontal.
Tomorrow marks the all-systems-go moment, once more.
Before official nap-time it's most definitely a time to plan tomorrow.

So, for now, I hope you have a lovely evening.
And I have a feeling good things are coming our way.

With love, and light.
Yours truly.
M.


This was for an educational concert program we're doing this season - yet to see how many schools.
Fingers crossed!


The other day I was wearing this t-shirt E. got me for my 16th birthday.
It's says MARIAQ on the back, and on the front a tiny picture of my favourite energy drink back then.
(I used to get to school super early, and I didn't like coffee back then!)


Outdoor Swan Lake next to the Opera House, with 100 swans.


Sung a little at my old school's autumn concert in the Nokia concert hall in Tallinn.
That was a first for me so it was super exciting!
Loved the dressing room and ID-card.






Also, this week marked my return to the gym, YES.


Got this coat at this big vintage festival like a month ago.
And today it earnt me a most devoted 5-year-old admirer on the bus.
No, seriously.
I think he thought I was an actual cat.

I'M BACK!

I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.

I'm back!



And news - I'm going to HONG KONG!
25th of September for 2 weeks and it's like MADNESS in my mouth to even say it!

To make this official, I gave myself a new desktop background - HK skyline.

So far, I haven't left Europe.
I've travelled a lot in Europe, but never got outside this continent.

I cannot even begin to slightly comprehend what this will be like.
It will shift something, something necessary.
I've got 5 weeks till we go, and plenty I want to do before.

This summer again has been fairly strange.
And again, when I blog little, it means stuff's a mess.
But what is mess for?
Mess is for working through it.
Which is what I'm doing.

I've got loads of pictures from the past few weeks, which I'll post soon.
Most of my time I've spent with the Spanish one.
I've decided to stay with her for a bit - it seems to be good for both of us.

Plenty will be done.

I've developed a thing for being a little chicken, again.
I'm not entirely sure where this came from.
10 years ago, at the special age of 14, if someone would've asked me: Hey, Maria, how would you describe yourself in 10 years?
I mean, cowardly would not have been one of the chosen words.

And it bores me, truly.

So, no more.
Whatever.

Here's to travelling, here's to marvel and exploring and friends.

Yours truly.
And now I'm back.
M.

travel-cat, again

Hello, all of you!

So I'm back from my gig on Saturday, and one of the islands.
I'm currently in Tallinn, getting ready to go to Finland, and see A. again.

I mean, it's pretty evident Tallinn is not the place I want to be right now.

Love it as I do, it does something weird to me.
I've got my family and my DEAREST friends here, but there's something about this city.
Rather - there's something about me in this city.
That I dislike.

I've got some unsolved problemos with anxiety, and they seem to get worse here, to be honest.
Rather, I can't seem to be able to get it under control here, as well as elsewhere.
And being on the islands, or at A's "mökki" in Finland - there's just more space to breathe and it's so peaceful.
Nature is good for stuff like that.
A very calming effect, which is what I'm after lately.

So for now I'm running around, practising escapism as hard as I possibly, humanly can.

However, the only (and I mean, the only) true downside to this is the lack of blogging.
For which I'm terribly sorry!

I'd love to write more and keep you updated with all the adventures and awesome things that are happening on my manic bouts of running around, but sadly my phone is not smart enough and the laptop isn't light enough to carry around.
So for now, my bits of writing are massively all over the place.
But I will try and make it better, soon.

I hope you're still reading and following.
And as soon as I have anything of value to share with you - I shall.

With love.
M.

belong

which
place
is 
the
place
for
me
?

out out, anyone?

So, here I was.
On the trolly bus, on my way home. Thinking of the quiet Friday night ahead, spent analysing the poems that the tour-songs are based on.
All no-make-up, dirty hair, random flip-flops, having spent the day with the Spanish one, dumplings and sunshine.

So, as I said, here I was.
And lo-and-behold, one of my homies sends me a message saying that she absolutely wants to go out and no one's taking the bait.
To which my answer was: "Have I ever said "no" to you, my dear?"

I've now done my hair, my face, and I just need to get dressed.

THIS IS SO GOOD, let's be honest.

Why? you may ask.
Well, that's because the next time I have a free weekend the calendar says "3rd of August, 2013".

That's why.

So off I go, to Yolo- and Humourland.

Peace.
M.

enough

How gracefully we let go of the things that are not meant for us.

Enough, child. Enough now.

Really, honestly - enough.
M.

gracefully

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

HOW GRACEFULLY
YOU LET GO OF THINGS
NOT MEANT FOR YOU

Let's, PLEASE, just let this sink in. Please.
Because all truth and happiness is in that.

How gracefully you let go of things not. meant. for. you.

Measuring, and hearing, and understanding what is meant for us and what isn't and listening to our intuition.
Because your intuition is always right, always.
Your intuition already knows everything.

So let's just remember this, right.
Let go of things not meant for you.

And so. Every day start again.
Because nothing matters apart from what you do today and how you live today.

What we do today, matters most.
M.

most

Compared to 6 months ago, I'm actually doing the things that frighten me most.

So go me!

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
M.

today

Today is Wednesday.

Today I was sat at my computer in my home office (ha) writing work emails for 7 hours.
Not a joke.
Not a joke.
Also, in my PJs because I woke up and decided I had so much to do that getting changed would be a waste of time.
However, this means I got a whole big bunch of stuff done.

And now I'm going to town, to listen to some poetry by one of the guys who's singing at my Scaffolding gig.
And then the Spanish one and I will have our socks blown off by Samsara. (Google dat.)

Peace out, far and wide.
M.

PS: That's a lollipop. No joke.



PPS: We did a pretty excellent multi-media sex scene to this once. And it's also a SICK tune.

this

THIS
SONG

This serves as a reminder: I want/need to get my next tattoo done.

With love.
M.

day and night

What
happens
during
the
night?

I don't understand it.
I go to sleep feeling perfectly alright, having been hideously useful during the day, done some concert stuff and so forth. Watched some Brideshead Revisited. Dream of some cool theatre stuff.
And then I wake up.

And somewhere between sleeping, and becoming fully awake, something happens.
And I wake up ..not sad, or anything. Just empty I guess.

And I battle it.
I battle it with music, and melon and more Brideshead and good thoughts.
But I would like to wake up and not have to 'fight' something.

The reason I'm writing about this is because this has happen for a few days now.
And it's just getting very tiring to be honest.

These are the times.
M.

don't i know it

His voice.

End up where you really belong.
M.

brain

So, brain.
No, seriously.
My subconscious has really very strongly got into a habit of late of doing it's dirty dirty washing as I sleep. Of course this happens to all of us that sometimes we have unresolved crap which then goes into the wonderful subconscious.
But I'm genuinely bored of this.

Stuff that I don't actively think about.
Stuff that shouldn't be a negative thing.
Stuff that I don't want to think about.
Stuff that just doesn't belong, anywhere.

But last night was a great night. K and M-L are in town from TRT for the weekend, and I was so truly super excited! And so very pleased.
Like, just so fresh and like, I don't even know.
Awesome-sauce tripled.
So much dancing, and so much super fun. Seriously.
I'm super grateful for this.

And tonight plans to carry on this vibe.
E and I are joining forces later, to see what comes out of that egg-shell this time around.

Go rest, brain.
M.

adventures

The more time passes and the more I open my eyes to what's actually inside, I realise that all I want to do is adventure.
Genuinely, honestly, I want to adventure and see the world and fully embrace not knowing where I'm going, or sometimes where I am, or anything.
Embrace it and enjoy it.
To be the Me-est Me.

Slowly.
M.

doing things

Hey yo!
I'm doing things. Yay!
I mean, I've just set up a little work station in Vapiano, with my diary/note-book and my laptop, a latte and some biscuit thing.
And so I'm emailing people, and messaging people.
Hence, I'm doing things.
And also, I've been not doing things for so long. So I'm super happy.

And also looking for a good place where to go and finally get my drivers licence sorted.
Spring's coming.

And like Ricky Martin says, "let me undress your soul".
I mean, yes, Ricky. I hear ya.

The beat of the day is a great, great, ridiculous, and great song.

Happy Thursday, guys!
M.

TRT

I'm back! Again. My second return in a week, or something.

Tartu was super.
It's our university town in the south of Estonia.
I stayed with some old suuupper friends, and it was so lovely I could almost die.
Both nights revolved around food, tea, food, tea, and chats, more tea and lots more chats, and boardgames. In short, an ideal combo!

It's strange how you have some people with whom it simply doesn't matter when you saw them last, or where or why or whatever, point is, you gel, immediately.
And it's one of the basic fundamental joys of the human life I think. Or at least, I regard it extremely highly.

And so I'm back in the capital, where it's warmer and less snowy.
I got the 7:46am train back with K. which meant a 6:45am wake-up, and now I feel almost like I've never had any sleep ever.
But seriously, this was a super duper 2-night break. So much delicious food, and lots of good atmosphere.
Also, shoutout to "Jane" for being a wonderful-wonderful hostess lady person! (Pingviiiiiniiiiid)

And now my cat is licking his little cat balls in a patch of spring sunshine. (...Too poetic not to share, sorry!)

Now it's tea-time and food time, and then I'm going to the gym, to run on a sunny treadmill and pretend it's warm enough to do that outside.
And lift my weights, like a machine.

Happy Tuesday, guys!

Go, adventure.
M.

Central-Estonia on the bus journey to TRT and snow, snow, snow. Happy mid-March!

Groceries in the bike basket. Simple things

Evening walk last night in the freezing cold. I really liked the lighting on the bridge

Light work, "Snake". Fine by me

Morning train! Hello, TLN.

ourselves?

Okay, so I've been thinking about this for a while now.
And had this draft written but never finished.

I think this started when I was thinking of this idea of "working hard" at something. I've always been proud of the fact that if I want to do something or want to get something, I work hard.
Which is great and fine.
However, what if we're working hard at things that just don't deserve it?
Or things which will not bare fruit, because they don't have the potential?


We should all aim at and try to have enough respect for ourselves to recognise the time to walk away.

Often the need to work hard at something is emphasised, over and over and over, and over, and over again. As if the process has inherent value, regardless of the end.
Fine.
I get it.
It's good to work hard, and it will get you places.
But.

Sometimes things just run out of inertia and what happens then?
They come to an end.
Simple as that.

So I really hope, that when the time is right, you and I will have enough bravery to recognise the "stop" point. To say "thank you, this was great", and to walk away.
From anything at all - actual and tangible, or mental, anything.
Anything in your life.
Jobs, ideas, friends, partners, hair colour, your favourite pants, or the city you live in.
Anything at all.

Because at the very very very end of the day, this is your one life, and your own happiness. No one else's.
And even if holding on seems like a brilliant idea, it's not.

So I really hope you have the courage to recognise when it's time to walk away from something.
I'm really trying to start understanding which is which.

As ever.
With love.
M.

back

Hello, sweets, I'm baack!

Back from some super springtime travels.
Which were super.

Just, I'm not feeling this vibe, you know. As in, I'm not feeling any vibe at the moment, to be honest.
I don't really know what this is, but honestly, I have to get to the bottom of this because it's like eating me inside out. Not very pleasant.
Especially after 5 awesome days in STHLM which the most brilliant spring weather.

I don't know whether this is growing pains (http://marriiialistra.blogspot.com/2012/11/november-is-nearly-finished_5928.html) or what? If it's growing pains, I'll take it, embrace it and run with it. If it's something else, I'm confused.
This better be the end of Mercury being in Retrograde.

And now E just changed the GAME!
So my crap-est day of this year so far (I kid you not) will now end at her penthouse heaven, with a 6-pack of Corona beers, 2 limes, tortilla chips and garlic dip, and Macdo. YES.
I mean, YES. If in doubt, get this plan out!
I mean, life saving SWAT-team, 1-2-3.

And now, it's magically midnight. And the day is officially over.
I started this post this morning, and I've successfully made it through this day. With no fights, no bleeding or broken bones, no loans or car crashes or anything, or unnecessary questions.
So pleased.

E. has gone to sleep and I'm all tucked it, writing.
I feel so relaxed that it's almost divine.
And so, once again, the saying comes to mind that "everything passes". At the times when everything is exceptionally good, this is a hard thing to think about. However, under the opposite circumstances, this is nice and balmy.

So, as I said, I'm back.
I'm back from my travels and I'm going to hold on to my STHLM energy with teeth and nails and not let it slip away into nothing. I want it and I need it and I deserve it and I owe it to myself.
Armed with this I could get stuff done, and that is what I want.

My STHLM adventures and photos coming soon.

I truly hope you've had a more peaceful time with the old Mercury.

With love.
M.


Something from A. to bring cheer to my day.

an actual post

THEY ARRIVED!
My boxes, guys! They arrived!

Oh my heavens, this feeling of having my things in the same space, creates this incredible atmosphere.
It sounds pretty ridiculous, so simple, so shallow, but honestly, it's not.
It's not about the things, it's about the fact that my life and everything it entails is syncing. The halves are here in the same space as me and it feels so glorious.
It feels like I have dropped the anchor and so I can now stand still, near the harbour, for just a day. Enjoy some sunshine and eat the local food.
Then drag it up again, adjust the sails, and go.

But no one can go forever, without that day near the harbour. That day of sunshine, sea food and tanned faces. Seashells, waves, dancing girls and stray cats. No one. You have to have that day.
So I am having that day.
With all my stuff, here, in my room, right now.

YAYAYYAYAYYAYYAYYYAYYYAYYAYAYAYYYYYYYYY!

Yes.

Take that day. 
M.