unity

This is the thing.


Self-unity.
I used to be good at being on my own.
As a child I really loved doing allsorts on my own.
I liked drawing so much.
And I loved writing.
Music, dancing.
I loved doing so much.

And I celebrated what I was.
I celebrated being me.
Not consciously, or I wouldn't have called it that, of course.
Children have this innate way, they just feel joy, at moving and doing.
What is celebration?
It's a sense of two things for me: joy and pride.

And this is the thing.
It's not that I'm not on my own lately - I am, and quite a lot, but there is a huge difference between just spending time on your own and excelling at the Self relationship.
You know, what it feels like to be you.

We need to celebrate our being.
That's what I lack.
I have awareness of what I am or am not, this is solid and detailed knowledge.
But pride or joy?
There is no shadow of celebrating being me.
And I believe this is the single true driving force of those people who really expand, themselves, their life, walk their path, being true to their soul.
Joy!!
Where the crap is my joy in being me?
Therefore there is also no celebration, goddammit.

And that's why some of the truest wonderfulness in my life turns into a chore.
Tasks and unpleasantness and deadlines that don't excite me, etc.
The question is not the tasks themselves, it's all about how I see myself.


Also, currently there's thunder and lighting outside.
This helps EVERYTHING.


And so.
My point is.
Celebrate!
Celebrate you.
You don't need to have a party or the weekend or a birthday or whatever, just have Joy is Yourself, and Pride in what you do.
If you don't feel Joy, look into it - what is keeping you from this?
If you are not Proud of what you do, look into it - there is always something you can do to help yourself. Have courage and change what you need.

Then add these two together and CELEBRATE, you spirit!
Everything else is a waste of time.
And once again - always go inwards.

Rain is BEATING down.
If I wouldn't understand physics, I would think my roof is actually going to come down.
Cool!

Yours truly.
M.

una vita italiana

"And so I got to do what I do best - moan."


Happy Spring.




Don't make me less.
Don't dim my anything really.
Just, yeah.
So, make me more, or go to hell.
Unleash, or hands off.

This will be step1.

Second quarter here we go, and this will be step1.



The only thing I believe in is Poetry.


Yours truly.
M.

exquisite

So the thing, mainly, is - I want my life to be exquisite.

And what I mean by this is that I want flowers, to sometimes see the sea and enjoy the little things.
Enjoy being, have good hair, eat good food.
Sometimes wear a big sunhat and maybe have a glass of wine.
Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger.
And sometimes not-so-meaningful ones with my friends.
I want music and birdsong and Nature.
Tastes and sounds and textures.
An exquisite life has people in it.
And joy in everything.


That's what I want and that's what I mean about an exquisite life.

Poetry, and sunlight, and freedom.

Freedom.
Above all, freedom.
Always.



Also, I have a problem.
I am fully aware that this makes me one of THE most ungrateful assholes ever to have walked the face of the Earth (..too dramatic maybe) but here goes - I hate my voice.
Not the sound of it, having it.
Especially lately.
It feels like, I'm blaming my voice for some things that have happened recently.
I know rationally this is ridiculous, but this keeps swimming to the surface.
This feeling of hatered towards my gift.
I'm too scared to say this out loud so therefore I'll write about this.


This is what is holding me back, this is the feeling that means that I'm holding on tight to my own tail and then wondering why I can't run forward.
This is the thing I keep coming back to.
All my restrain and life-boundary seems to be wrapped up in my voice.
All my freedom lies in it too.

It's so hard to muffle the voices saying it's not enough.
I guess by that way of thinking it will never be enough.

But I don't know how to shut it off.

But I can tell you here and now my friends that this needs to be solved, because if every time I sing it's going to feel like going through a meat grinder I will need to change profession.
And I don't want to do that.

So therefore.
A solution.
Turn off the voices, silence the chorus of disapproval.
I'm too good and too young for this.


My life was different when it was a theatre life.
It was very different.
So this really is all tied to the voice.
But it would be extremely stupid to run from this.

And one thing I have to stay away from is people who fuel any destructive fires.
I've got enough petrol as it is, thank you very much.
I rather need people who are gonna help me get rid of anything and everything flammable.


It's busy, in my head.


I wanna get free.
So I can use what I have been given.






And live my life, the exquisite way I want to.




With love.
Yours truly.
M.

reminder

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”

—	Margaret Atwood

tears

You know what.
I cried the other day, really cried, because everything suddenly felt so artificial, in the world.

I felt this feeling of just how much of what surrounds us is artificial, fake and plastic.

It was just, hideous.
This complete sense of, only holding on to things that are not real, or true.
Just this artificial mass.


I felt how far people have drifted, from what we are.
That we are all just as much a part of this world and the nature as everything else.
We are not superior, or better, or different.
Just souls who want to be free and happy, with fresh air and water and the sky and the soil.
And somehow we have ended up here.

And so I cried.

I want to stay clean with my eating, and everything else, so so much.
I want to feel clean.
And light.

Everything is fine, as long as we still feel.


With love.
Yours truly.
M.

“

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
don’t swim in the same slough.
invent yourself and then reinvent yourself and
stay out of the clutches of mediocrity.

invent yourself and then reinvent yourself,
change your tone and shape so often that they can never categorize you.

reinvigorate yourself and
accept what is
but only on the terms that you have invented
and reinvented.

be self-taught.

and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.

”

—	Charles Bukowski,The Pleasures of the Damned

“Eating a vegetarian diet, walking (exercising) everyday, and meditating is considered radical. Allowing someone to slice your chest open and graft your leg veins in your heart is considered normal and conservative.”

—	Dr Dean Ornish

faith

Time to work on another old draft.
From some time in October last year, I think.


On life’s journey, faith is nourishment.
Virtuous deeds are shelter.
Wisdom is the light by day,
And right mindfulness protection by night.

Faith is an interesting one you know.
Faith in what?
What do we have faith in?

I once had a conversation in which I said I have faith in Love.
Love as the force of Universe.
The positive, creative force.

I remember this conversation actually.

And I still stand by this.

And also, we need to have faith in ourselves.

So much faith.

In what we're doing, in what we want, in how we see the world.

Faith. 

A strong force, at the same time, empty.

It's the potent void. 

Kinda magical.

Oh I don't know.

All I know is that we need it.

Faith as a thing, as an emotional capability.

And we can also have faith in each other.

My thoughts are scattered, but I'm getting somewhere, in general.

I want to have faith in Life and the Universe, always.

I don't ever want to lose faith in myself.

And I want to keep having faith in those around me.

I'm seeing some of the holes in my being that still need to be filled.

Some things have gone unnoticed and we need people to point them out in the most unexpected ways.

I have faith in analysis.

Finding the new pathways.

All change is scary, at least to me it is.

So having faith in something gives me some stability, gives me a sense that the wheel will keep turning, that some processes carry on, always.

We must keep our pack.

They are worth their weight in..I don't know, something far better than gold.

Our pack will help us See Clear, lick our wounds when necessary and let us sleep for a while by the fire as the rest keep guard at night.

And when you wake up, the pack will still be there, steady as the sun and moon.

Keep your pack, keep your head, keep your heart.

And take excellent care of yourself.

Because I mean very very bluntly put - if you won't, why in the name of the 7 seas would anyone else on the entire planet?

So therefore, lady up, and do it.

Show the rest of the universal system how to do it, how to Love you, how to Care for you, how to Give you what you need.

Give yourself nurture, body and mind, and feed yourself well, and sleep, and move, and educate and inspire yourself.

I'm still only halfway to learning how to do this, really.

Losing yourself in another person is ridiculous. 

There, I've said it.

Now all there is to do is to love (and live) by it, for life.

All any Tree needs is good and stable soil, space, warmth of the sun.

Life is like that. 

It is idiotic to go looking for some magical wisdom from any further than that.

Look at a tree and Think for a moment.

Let it sink in what you see and it's crazy how much the external world teaches us.

It's hard to stay blind to it here, in Estonia.

The weather does what it wants, we just run, panting, after it.

Trying to keep up, like chasing a young hotheaded mistress.

The Life/Death/Life cycle so clear on display it's almost funny.

The year of the Horse began today.

Happy Horse!

It's said that things get terribly pacy when the horse is in motion.

So apparently those who know how to plan their time have "won" already, even before the bell is rung for round 1. 

I plan to keep this in mind.

And so, good night, darlings!

I am going to sleep, dream well, and then wake up happy.

I like this thought.

Love, as always, to you all!!!

Yours truly.

M.

perfect

This is a post about perfection.

Okay, so when I was a 5-year-old, my dad asked me why I use the word "hate".
You know, like kids do it, "I hate this", "I hate that", "I hate peas", et cetera.
So he said, why not say "dislike".
He told me the word "hate" had a lot of negative energy, for me and for others, using a word that strong, that powerful.
So I dropped it, and I don't use it.
I just don't.
I rarely, rarely - rarely - close enough to almost say "never", feel strong enough to "hate" anything, at all.
Strong dislike? Sure.
Hate? No.

I will now.
I hate this search for "perfect", or "perfection".
I hate it.
The Perfect Wedding, the Perfect Man, the PERFECT holiday, the PERFECT dress, the PERFECT hair, the PERFECT PERFECTION.
Seriously.

(.. keep going with me.)

The thing is.
To seek perfection or to seek The Perfect person or state, implies that at some point we get to stop working, and stop growing.
It implies that at some point change will stop occurring.
Therefore, it implies the arrival of stagnation.
Blissful (I'm sure), yet stupid stagnation.
Almost like a catatonic state.

The question is not whether "perfect" exists in this world or not.
I don't care.
The point is that we simply do not - and honestly do not - need it.
We don't need it.
It does us no good.
No good, at all, as living, breathing, sweating, bleeding human beings.
We are alive.
This implies not being stagnant! Ever.
Stagnation in human beings implies a flat-line.
No heartbeat, no blood pressure, no cells growing, and renewing.
Perfection makes us strive for a goal, an end-point, when we really should have two eyes focused on the journey.
This magical, awesome, brilliant journey.
Also called Life.
There is no "perfect", there is no end point.

There is just the boundless giving random-ness of the great Universe kaleidoscope.

Perfect has nothing to do with it.


It's like this phrase: Picture Perfect.
But you know what? It's also un-alive.
And I come at this as someone who has the highest regard for the art of photography, photographers and photos.
I really do value it as an art and respect it, but real life?
Real life is not picture perfect.
This endless talk about - this looks perfect, and that looks perfect.
Fine for selling something, an advertisement, or dolls, and of course snapshots of our memories.
But we cannot be Picture Perfect because we are alive.
And that is magical.
And I don't see why anyone would ever want to change that.
Change the magic of being alive for giving into the hunt for this rigidity.

We are alive, so alive.
Perfection cannot be duplicated.
Maybe newborns are perfect?
Maybe the fact that the sun rises and sets, is perfect?
Maybe flower-like frost on a window, is perfect?
Or maybe laughing till you cry with friends?
But it cannot be manufactured.
It happens.
Maybe it exists after-all.
But to chase it would be certain death for the living cell.

It just Is.
We just Are.

So let's just Be.

Yours truly.
Love and light, as always.
M.

witches, unite

So, I went to this lecture a few days ago.
The speaker was a woman who was a proper nature-child growing up, then graduated as a med-student, but decided to go back to her roots. And live in the forests, and let her true being shine trough - being a witch.
She shared some really genuine and healthy ideas about living life as a woman, as a human being, as a being of Nature, as an organism, about love, children, choices, bravery, fears, decisions and doubt.

Since women are glorious creatures (with a vast expanse of potential life where our uterus is), we are all a little witch-y.
And apparently no woman can actually access her full (witchy-)potential without having her life sorted first (in terms of the job she has, the living surroundings, her home). There needs to be balance.

And then there's me.
Moaning, literally moaning, when I know exactly, I know with such painful crystal clarity what I need to do.
I need to get clarity in my life. The same clarity of understanding, I need to apply this to my life.
Now.
And then, and only then, will everything else unravel, and very quickly.
And in the right direction.
My path.
I need to transform this gelatinous mess (also known as my life currently), apply some balls, ruthless clarity and turn this mess into something clear and sharp.

And stop thinking of unnecessary things, when I know exactly what I should be thinking about.
Or rather not thinking about.
And doing.
Doing
doing
doing

Life is not a bunch of theory. Life is practice.
It's a practical thing.
All practice.

So let's cut the theory balls, and let's get practical.

Live
your
life
as
the You-est
You

With love.
M.

in your nature

Baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you

Let's have fun, kids.
M.

wanderlust

My wanderlust is just out of control.



It's all I think about, every day, basically all the time.
Just this need to go and explore and adventure.
This is not a need to "go on a holiday", or to get a tan or get drunk in beach-side bars.
It's just a true yearning (the purest of these I've ever had) to go and see and explore.

This is just out of control.

Out of control wanderlust.
To See, and Breathe.

I just want to wander/wonder with an open heart with room for it to be Open.
With space, and freedom, and the safety to open up which comes with this freedom.

I mean, to be honest. I don't really need to leave the country for this.
This is not the point.
There's plenty to See here, on this tiny speck of wild land.

Plan.
Everything is possible.
I just need to plan.
Plan, plan, plan.

At least, I know what I need, and what I truly desire.

And that is good.
M.


Don't ever deny yourself your true nature.

simple things

My life currently seems to revolve around my actual burning desire for simple things.

...
I can't even say anything else, because there simply isn't anything to add.
It is just as simple as that.
My life
revolving
around
that
one
wish

I CRAVE SIMPLE THINGS.

A wish for simple things.
An actual yearning.
No, like, a genuine yearning, like, it feels like I might pass out from wanting simple things.
A yearning for spring.
For peace, and balance, and nature.
And trees.
And tea, and warmth.
And the arrival of spring.

It's weird how simplifying our lives has become something seemingly "hard", or "difficult".
That the norm is non-simplicity, for so many of us.
Including me.

https://soundcloud.com/tenderlovingempire/sets/y-la-bamba-oh-february
Listen to Y la bamba, cause spring is coming, and it sounds a little like snow melt waters.

I need simple things.
I will give myself simple things.

Be simple, my darlings.

Universe.
M.

wolf

The wolf has truly become my animal.
And a symbol.

I'll write more about this soon.

i
am
wolf

Nordic Grey. 
M.

nature

“Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.”

—	Sri Ramana Maharshi

brutal

How one woman can be such a force of nature, just absolutely beats me.

Björk.
M.

brute force