wednesday

So, let's say you would be up at 3AM, on a Wednesday night, right.
What would you be doing?

I presume not singing along to a Medieval Christmas carol, on repeat.


Gaudete Christus est natus


I don't have the appropriate version, sadly.
I will soon.
And then I'll share it.

#sacredmusic


Yours truly.
M.

Today

Another crazy day.

Good singing things today.

Actually, excellent. 

Excellent singing things.

I've got super loads of lyrics to learn this week but I'm getting started tomorrow so that is all doable.

I've currently got something under 6 hours till my alarm goes off.

But all the excitement from the day is keeping my eyes open like an owl.

Tomorrow morning I'm gonna have some lovely breakfast, somewhere.

Then rehearsal 11am, and a proper home evening.

I really need to learn the switching off business. 

For now, I bid you all a superb night, from  the Spaniards bed.

Love and light.

Yours truly.

M.

and so..

..I bow out.

I take my hat, and put it on.
I take my coat, and button it up.
I take my scarf, and then tie it.
I take my bag, and close it, leave all the unwanted bits.
I slip on the gloves, and open the door.

I bow gently, and smize somewhat.
And leave.

I bow out.

Onto the next adventure.

Life is all about choices, and risks.
And decisions.

So this is mine.

I am not this.
I am something entirely different.

And therefore, I bow out.
Because I simply must.
Anything else would simply count as a crime against the Self.

A soul-crime.


So therefore, I take my hat, take a bow, and take a new route.


I Love you all.
Time to revisit some shaping moments in our lives.
Get to know them, and then leave them.

And always recognise the soul-time to bow out, and leave something, that no longer serves you.

Yours truly.
Always.
M.

evening

So, today has been an interesting one.

Superb wintery weather.

Tomorrow is one for music things and singing things.

Right now I'm occupied with white wine and gherkins.

Trying to stay calm amidst everything that is happening right now.

Things are just moving very fast.

In a good way.

But very very fast.

I would like to have an evening at Spaniards, tomorrow. Sleep over with Pisces.

This weekend is going to be crazy busy. 

So I have to really stick with the girls, to keep grounded. 

Deed of the day: bought my cat a new scratching post.

He is so happy.

Work on ourselves, work on ourselves, work on oursves.

Till the cracks are gone.

And nothing leaks out.

This is the goal.

This is the aim and the mission for the near-future.

The true goal.

So let's get stuck in, deep and straight and true.

I send you Love, and Light.

It's time to work a little harder.

M.

Post interview today.

Smiling is nice.

 

first snow

And so, it falls.

This is my post at first snow.

First snow.
Something purely virginal about this.
The covering up of the sacred heart.
Or hiding some magnificent truth.

First snow.

It is a thing, completely in its own right.

This weekend has been a long weekend.
A rehearsal, concert and rehearsal on Friday, followed by a supreme evening with the girls, then dad's birthday and a party Saturday night, and today had a superrrrrrr meeting and then saw my cousin's girls, for cake.
This is all fine, however, sleep has been a rare visitor.
Friday night woke up around 5am and couldn't get back to sleep, work thoughts.
Last night listened to Phantom with mum till half 6, after the party.

And so, tonight I will sleep.
I need to sleep.
Snow makes me sleepy.

Some strange serenity.
A pause of a kind.

I have an interview tomorrow at 11 and then some library time, getting music. 

I feel love and I feel light and kindness.

And I would like to share it with all of you.

Somehow.

Yours truly.

M.

magnetic

I hope the thing that was here today and now has hopefully left was actually a magnetic storm.

Cause this day was not fun.

In other news.
- worked on the program for tomorrow
- sorted some music for a concert on the 30th so next Saturday
- did some awesome daydreaming/planning with the pretty one
- felt her babyNINJA'S HEART BEAT.
(let's just let this sink in)
- joined Instagram (I'm not yet taking pouty selfies, but knowing me, this will happen)
- watched many episodes of Hannibal (the new one with Mads Mikkelsen, LOVE)
- agreed to an interview on Monday
- and ate lasagne

So that was my day.
Tomorrow will be busy.
Wake-up, rehearsal, concert-ready, concert, rehearsal.

I really want to get all the social media things into a structure.
I mean, yeah, it's not usually my cup of tea.
And I always feel like I need to understand, visualise in my head, what role they have.
What part to play.

 So for now, I'll leave you to bedtime.

Yours truly.

M.

discontent

Discontent.
This post is about discontent.


So there.
Discontent.


Yours truly.
M.

sthlm

Okay, I simply must get this off my chest.

I LOVE STOCKHOLM.

Seriously.
It's a little bit stupid.
How much I love spending time there with A.
And how much I love that city.
And how much I enjoy feeling how I feel there.

Just how much I love Stockholm.
Stupid.

Yours truly.
M.

visuals

I love pictures out of airplane windows. 

The clouds, and the stillness, and serenity.

Also, these two photos are taken a minute apart, as we ascended up.

I have such unconditional love for it.

Visuals.

M.

home

I'm home, and watching the new Elementary.

Sherlock and Watson.

Didn't do too much of the to-do list, but I don't care. The new task is to stay calm and Happy as much as possible. 

I mean seriously.

I just can't be bothered.

With this waste of time, this fuss, that doesn't carry me upwards and onwards.

I truly truly tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I cannot be bothered. 

Anymore. 

To stop the positive changes, to slow the current for something useless.

I know too much, I've come too far, and the time I have in this body, on this planet  is far too precious and magical.

So therefore.

I will work towards stopping this crap.

Because I'm bored.

And I truly TRULY appreciate magic.

F*ck this.

Love and light.

M.

roads

So. 

This post is actually more about foundations than roads.

But I prefer it as the title.

So.

Foundations.

I was just thinking.

About preconceived ideas, about right and wrong, and all the shoulds and shouldnts.

And how terribly terribly hideous it is, to even think of building your foundations upon someone else's.

That would work like quicksand.

It comes to a point, or there should be a moment of realization, when a person understands that it's either themselves or nothing.

What I mean is - unless you get Yourself working, unless you commit and dedicate yourself to yourself, and face yourself as what you are, "nothing" follows.

What I mean by "nothing" is the void.

The convenient void in which so many people live their lives.

I'm not patronizing, or implying that I'm free of this, because I'm so not. 

But lately I've just really understood how take-no-prisoners it is - it really is yourself (balls to the wall fearlessness) or nothing (the numb void of structures created by someone other than yourself).

In between the two there's a million variables but in terms of attitude it honestly is This or That.

You can't be a tiny bit brave or somewhat partial to the mundane social constructs.

You either are or are not. 

Pick one. 

And then let it roll according to that.

I know what I'll decide, which I'll pick.

But I just have to do it.

Really do it.

And commit to myself tooth, claw and nail.

And not let it slip away into what someone else thinks or expects or wants.

Because that simply does not bring happiness.

And why waste this life we have. 

In other news, I'm going home today, from STHLM.

If I'm honest I'm not ready.

Or maybe I am. 

I don't really know.

It's rather - it's been super being here, to calm down.

But now I'd like to stay here for some more time and refocus my thoughts.

But hey.

It is what it is.

Home awaits.

And everything it holds.

Yours truly.

M.

sthlm

So far we've been pretty excellent with our checklist.

We have done coffee, walks, pasta and plenty of chats.

And we have now also seen Aragorn on the screen.

Tomorrow we visit the cinema to stare at Thor and his hammer.

I am almost calming down.

Almost. 

Earlier on I managed to explain to A. that I feel "fragmented". 

It's this relentless working passion that I have, and I'm proud of.

But at the same time it means that I get caught in it very very easily.

So the lesson remains - taking breaks.

Learning to understand the importance of breaks.

And just unashamedly taking them, when needs be.

Because all we have, till we die, is Ourselves.

Yours truly.

M.

IPHONE

Okay, so. 

I've never been one for the smart anything. 

Ask any if my friends. 

I like letters and dates and poetry and gestures and classical music, y'know!

Not the most tech-age baby gurl.

But.

Lately, hand in hand with my return home which signaled much more work starting to come in, I felt that having to sit somewhere to do my work stuff was starting to get annoying.

I don't like having to do something.

So, iPhone.

I will say as much. 

Being able to blog anywhere at all is freedom.

And I'm really grateful for it. 

Yours truly.

M.

Ps, I thought this gate at Tallinn Airport was absolutely incredible. 

packing, and emotions

And once again - it's happening!

I'm going somewhere.
Destination this time: STOCKHOLM.




It's been 5 months since my last visit to the Lolcat town and A. and I decided it was simply time for the next leg of this TLN-STHLM romance.
I leave tonight, and back on Monday.

Plans are:
*coffee
*walks
*pastry
*cheeseburger
*movies (ARAGORN)
*sofa

That's it.

So I'm currently just packing, need to shower and get myself into travelling order.
Pisces and I are going to a yoga class before the flight.
It will be such a nice to kick-start an absolutely stress-free weekend.


Not that I've been stressed lately.
It's not stress.
I've just realised how much I repress myself emotionally.
So for the past week I've been concentrating on feeling as much as possible.
This has worked through theatre, a MUSE concert cinema broadcast and some other things.

I'll elaborate on these soon - UH-MAZING.

But in short - overdose.
I thought I'd rather bash myself on the head with feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling, y'know?
And then do this STHLM break and return calm and ready to deal with emotions on a running daily basis.

Makes sense to me.
And I really hope this actually works in practice as well.

At the moment I'm still too drained from all of it to come to any conclusions or notice a difference.
But I bet it's there, waiting for the storm to calm and then shine like a frikkin' angel.

And so.
I leave you for now.
Off to pack (one pair of jeans, and an array of jumpers), then to curl my hair (just. because) and go to town.
Simple pleasures.
Can't always hang your hat on the hot and heavy.
And when I say this, I do speak from experience.

I tend to get too snobby sometimes for calling time on the analysis.
Analysis is vital.
And I will not back from this.
But sometimes, just curl the hair, and drink the coffee, and wear the pink, and just whatever.
Sometimes just whatever it all, because we don't want you to get tired.


So take a break.


Love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

home

You can have the home you want.
Even if you're technically not a million miles away from civilisation.
You can still have the life, the atmosphere.

I saw it today.
Went to a rehearsal.
The guitarist who's summerhouse I was at for a while, this August.
And today we had a rehearsal at his house, technically in Tallinn.
But to the quieter, seaside suburb.

And Jesus wept, what a house.
The same atmosphere as in the summer house.

That's what I want.
I'd never seen anything like that.
That sort of atmosphere, not somewhere far far far away.

Magic.


Yours truly.
M.

Everests

So, A. and I spoke about this thing, a long long time ago.
The idea of Everests.

Personal Everests.
And the fear of them.
And then I felt this question - when was the last time I climbed an Everest?

So, therefore.

It's time to climb the Everests.
All of them.
One at a time.
But it's time for the Everests.
And climb them we shall.

End of 2013.
There's still some time to go.
Time to do things.
Not loads, but there's time.
Time to be productive, time for things, and Everests.

Time to focus on what's important.
Ourselves.
Our family.
Our friends.
The people we want to communicate with.

He is able, who THINKS he is able.
And she who thinks she will climb her Everests, shall climb her Everests.


Today was a great day.
Listened to a great lesson, with a teacher I really really like.
So this is SUPER exciting.
Then went to the cinema with the Spaniard to watch a MUSE CONCERT.
Which was INCREDIBLE.
So intense days.
Crazy good, but intense days.

So now I'm going to try and get to sleep.
A rehearsal tomorrow.
And some lovely meetings.

Everests.
This is what I'm leaving you with.
E
VE
RESTS

Think about them.
And be brave enough to go for the climb.

With love and light.
M.


PS.

!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-hJq1GSV8Q
Please listen to this.



---

An Invitation.

Come, winter - rip us all bare.
Past the hot veins, and tear the cosy flesh.
Freeze us, entirely, claw down to the bone.
Remove the impatient muscle.
Watch the name
the title
the numbers
and the figures
tumble away,
fly off
(like they never were)
become one with the white.

Just leave the core.
So we can mingle, touch each other past the pretense. 
Press curious tongues against the icy void,
The heart of the bone.

Let the wind rage through - cold and impersonal -
As we stand, (un)moved, ready to confess.
Let it coil its way around my ever-fragile skeleton,
And caress my truth as I uncover yours.
No warmth, no heat.
No lies.
All unravelling, together, in near-perfect sync,
Faced with what we are.

The storms will start fuelling a different kind of fire.
Barren, bare, raw.
But true.

Come, winter.
Please.
Rip us all
bare.

autumn

I thought of something today.

Autumn.
And why autumn suits this kind of thing.

Because everything is getting bare and cold, and sparse.

So it's easy to discuss, and think, and feel yourself at the core, find the core.
All the falling leaves, everything is skeleton.

Space.

And the skeleton provides a great base for this sort of thinking.

And so for the first time, I don't have a problem with autumn.
I'm rather enjoying it.
And I feel it helps the processes of psychological deduction.

So, autumn.
Here's to you.

Yours truly.
M.

images

And what they capture.



An Afghan man offers tea to soldiers



A firefighter gives water to a koala during the devastating Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria, Australia, in 2009



A Russian soldier playing an abandoned piano in Chechnya in 1994

http://worldtruth.tv/here-are-the-30-most-powerful-photos-ever-taken/

Find the core of your soul.

Yours truly.
M.

poetry

"Ma ootasin Sind sellel külmal päeval. 
Ma tean, et Sa ei teadnud. Nüüd siis tea: 
Ma ootasin Sind. Sellel külmal päeval. 
Ei, vabandama tõesti Sa ei pea.

Kõik otsustati väljaspool meid endid.
Ma ootasin, sest mina tahtsin nii.
Kõik otsustati. Väljaspool meid endid.
Ma teadsin, Sa ei tule nagunii.

Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud,
kui oleksid vaid teadnud, võinud vaid.
Ei, ära ütle, et Sa oleks tulnud.
Ma vihkan valesid. Ka ilusaid."

Doris Kareva.


This poem has my heart.

Yours truly.
M.

Monday

So, Monday!

It's currently nearly 3am.

Tomorrow I want to.
Call the music school.
Call the pianist about listening to a lesson.
Call the singing teacher.
Message about theatre.
Go see National Theatre 50 at the cinema.
Make a now-till-end-of-year plan.
Write up some programme stuff, for 30.11 aaand January.

That's that.
OH and I also want a nice breakfast.
So.
For me to get this, I must get sleepy.

Love and light.
Yours truly.
M.

mood board

Also, where in the 7 heavens is my mood board?
That A. and I started making in AUGUST?

Pro
cras
ti
na
tion

na
tion


No.
Refuse.
Refusal.
I mean, REALLLLYYY.

Do the things you need to, now.
Do the things you want to, now.
Do the things you are thinking of, now.

Now-now.
Yours truly.
M.

writing

I feel I have something to write about.
And I'm feeling so grateful that this feeling exists.
So grateful.

Firstly, this week and the triple bill of soul-shaking theatre has been ridiculous.
And I really hope it shook something loose.
Since I have a feeling there is something to write about it must have changed something.

I'm watching Louis Theroux's documentaries.
Now, if you do not know who this man is, please please do look him up!
His documentaries are great.
And he takes it all face-value.
As much as one can.
With an open heart and he just listens to the people.
But he does find the strangest topics.
Fascinating.

And I want things!
I want to go to India, go to Goa, go see and grow and go open up.
But this is not the time yet.
It would hit me too hard.
The time is later on, but I will do it.
Really, really, really, really, really.



And yes, I think, yoga this week with Pisces.
She mentioned her place at some point, and I need something to balance my mind.

I also decided not to do this competition thing later in November.
Not the time.

I mean.
This bit in my life is all about the shaking loose.
Therefore - I should move more.
I need to shake loose, all the emotions.
All of it.

And also.
This photo below is beyond my means of description.
The shadows.
The shapes.
If I would ever have to approach a naked woman in a sexual context, I would pass out.
How do you even begin, to approach this?
This form.
Also, this photographic example just popped up on tumblr.
It's not the details necessarily.
It's the Thing.
The Female being as such.

And when women don't value themselves, it makes my skin crawl.
It is so widespread, it makes women seek value where there is none to be found.
And also it wrecks so many children, and then the men.
And I'm not talking relationships, but a step before, the first source of Love.
The Mother.

Oh, women.
Seriously.

Nope, cannot.
Lack the vocab.




And so.
Happy Saturday, my dears.
It's such a world we live in.

And can I just say, Dalai Lama.
Compassion.
This is all we need.
Nothing else comes into play, at all.
Just compassion.

Be kind.
Yours truly.
M.

poetry

There's always some saving grace in poetry.
And that is something nice.

Yours truly.
M.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

ce soir

Tonight literally just hammered, and I mean, HAMMERED-hammered-hammered in, the message from last night.
Like, violently, hammered, screwed it in, nuts and bolts and all the hardware.

The Doing.

It's getting to a point where this is making me so frustrated.
This idea, this idea of not doing.

Apparently I've got pretty eyes.
That was really nice.

Theatre.
And life, and art.
And thoughts.

And competing.
And understanding.
And accepting.
And all the things.
All of them.

I just want to be what I see and know I can be.
Because of the deafening mundane-ness.

My problem has been - solo in the sandbox.
Well then f*ck me - don't be?!

Don't waste the partners.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Seriously.

Learn, and evolve.
And make smart analytical decisions, please.
Reason, and discover.


Empty sandbox or fascinating sandbox?
Surely this is what moves me, improves me, challenges me.
Tantalises, tickles and teases.
Seriously.
Surely?

What do I choose?

One frustrated cat.


In other news, tonight was so awesome.
Here's a photo from the set.
Super.
The future is now.


And I'm not going to wish love and light.
I'm going to wish, the productivity to make yourself shine.
Shine, shine, shine.

Yours truly.
M.

blade

Standing on a blade.

According to A., one must simply love it, the process, the blade and all the rest.

I like telling people they are interesting.
I really do.
More than that, I like finding people who actually are interesting.

Also, I fear the uncertainty, of people.
It confuses me and frightens me.

This is also coincidentally why I take comfort in being so sure, all the time, about everything.
It looks like strength, conviction.
It's not.
It's just my avoidance of blind panic, at the randomness of people.


i should write
i should create
i should act
i should dance
i should box
i should climb
i should yoga


Yours truly.
M.