...

KEEP
YOUR
BALANCE

Keep it tight,
and keep it close,
'cause I will find love,
and love will find me,
but if I let it rock my boat,
I'll never be happy.


Peace out.
Yours truly.
M.

..

Hey, kids!
It's mee.

So, for starters, here's my packing list for HK, written by A.

Neil's packing list for Neverland.

Underpanties

Hot shit bikini

Trainers and hiking shizzle

Shorts (2?)

Daytime lol tops (Scott Disick better be coming)

Family dinner clothes, playsuit is fine for this or whatevs but you know what this entails. 

OUT OUT FUN FUN. Shorts and top are very acceptable. 

Flip flops or some kind of daytime shoe…flip flops are best choice

Heeeeeels!

Something slightly warm for restaurants, cardigan or jacket or something

All the make up things

I'll bring my crimpers

Straightener for CURLY FUN?

PJS and maybe leggings for comfort evening

Sunglasses

Errr

Supremely comfortable things to travel in

Firstly, I love this list. Huge amounts.
This is what tomorrow and Tuesday will hold for me. Getting all these things picked out, washed, dried, and placed inside a suitcase.
Nice and neat.
Wednesday will be my first ever, proper connecting flight.
9.30pm TLN-HEL
11.40pm HEL-HK

Life currently.
Is odd.
I don't talk about these periods very well (I don't talk about many things well, maybe that's why I like writing), so I ask for your apologies in advance.
The truth is, I've let myself down.
I allow myself to fall into these very destructive patterns, and only realise once it's slightly too late.

There are so many good things around me right now, and I should spend every day being grateful for them, as opposed to letting these things go unnoticed.

I've got so many opportunities that just wait for me to work at them and make them happen.
I'll just give myself some credit, because these instances have got shorter, which is divine.
They used to take whole chunks out of my life.

Just kind of, gone. Written off.
But I've done the work, or I guess I'm trying to do the work, so it's getting better as we go.

I don't want to not write.
I don't want to not focus.
I don't want to shut down.

I don't want to become distance.

And for the sake of these things, I work, and I learn.

Lately I'm feeling so many things, I'd like to somehow keep track.
Not necessarily of each and every one, but feel a bit more, detached I guess.
Otherwise it's like, I'm dragged along behind them.


Here's a photo from this 2nd hand sale yesterday.
I found the Perfect Parka for 4 euros.
And I got this awesome ring for 80 cents, and 2 Christmas Surprise jumpers for me and A.

Yours truly.
M.

Can we also just appreciate the fact that when I took this photo for A. to show her my parka, I had slept 4 hours, by photography time at roughly 1pm, I'd had this make-up on for 16hours.

1 week

So, it's one week to Hong Kong.
I don't understand.


Life is general is fairly weird right now.
So much so, I don't even wanna post.

Ps, oh my god I want to want things.

Peace, and love.
Yours truly.
M.

this week

This week has been super busy and the countdown to HONG KONG has now shrunk down to 10 days!

When did this happen!

I meet Asia, in less than 2 weeks.
What an absolutely strange concept.

I don't know why, but I stilllll cannot even begin to understand just HOW huge this adventure is going to be!
So strange!
I really want to start UNDERSTANDING this, noww!

(So sorry for the excessive caps-lock-ing.)

I mean, really.
Usually I'm almost climbing walls with all the excitement when A. and I take on Stockholm.
So now, when we're faced with her homeground HK, I'm like struck dumb.

Anyway.
This week has been super busy.
Got some nice work things done, and seen some lovely friends.
Last night went out for a little while and then another clothes sale today.

The rest of today was just for resting, on my ass, and mostly horizontal.
Tomorrow marks the all-systems-go moment, once more.
Before official nap-time it's most definitely a time to plan tomorrow.

So, for now, I hope you have a lovely evening.
And I have a feeling good things are coming our way.

With love, and light.
Yours truly.
M.


This was for an educational concert program we're doing this season - yet to see how many schools.
Fingers crossed!


The other day I was wearing this t-shirt E. got me for my 16th birthday.
It's says MARIAQ on the back, and on the front a tiny picture of my favourite energy drink back then.
(I used to get to school super early, and I didn't like coffee back then!)


Outdoor Swan Lake next to the Opera House, with 100 swans.


Sung a little at my old school's autumn concert in the Nokia concert hall in Tallinn.
That was a first for me so it was super exciting!
Loved the dressing room and ID-card.






Also, this week marked my return to the gym, YES.


Got this coat at this big vintage festival like a month ago.
And today it earnt me a most devoted 5-year-old admirer on the bus.
No, seriously.
I think he thought I was an actual cat.

songs

Whatever doors I have in my heart and soul, this song opens them, steps in and has a slow dance.
All by itself.
In the moonlight.
Enjoying and sensing the movement.
Surrendering to hope, and the faith, and the love.

Surrendering to its own rhythm and time.
And making love through seeing love, above and below.

Why is surrendering so hard?

This song belongs at a wedding, with candles in jars, and people who care.
And all the I-can't-even.

Yours truly.
M, and Neil Young.

the self

So the thing is.
Most of us grow up and end up compensating for some unfulfilled need or desire throughout our adult life.

The majority of what's missing can be summed up, I think, as an unbalanced relationship with the understanding of our own value, or something that is also known as "self-love".
I've found that people very often have an almost defensive reaction when someone mentions the notion of loving ourselves.
As if it's wrong, or faulty.
As if we shouldn't.

The truth is we need it.
I mean, it's just the way it is.
If we don't respect ourselves, no one else will.
Without loving ourselves, the chances of finding someone who truly loves us are slim.
Truly slim.
I've yet to meet someone who would prove me wrong on this one.
(If you do know someone, please tell me the story. I would love-love to know.)

So.
For those who don't speak Estonian, I'm truly sorry for the lack of translating.

But the bottomline is.
Compare yourself to yourself, the rest is empty and meaningless.

Build yourself stronger, because if we're honest, it's the only place we will ever find refuge.

Yours truly.
M.


These are taken and edited from www.alkeemia.ee 

Piisavas enesearmastuses elav inimene:

•    adekvaatne enesehinnang
•    ennast väärtustav
•    on võtnud 100%vastutuse oma elu eest
•    usub enda võimetesse ja vajalikkusesse
•    langetab otsuseid armastuse, usalduse ja rahu pinnalt
•    maailma suhtes avatud meeltega
•    tunnetab oma tegevuse väärtust ise
•    vaimselt ja füüsiliselt terve, positiivsust kiirgav, energiat andev
•    tunnetab armastust endas ja kiirgab seda
•    on ennast kehtestav
•    on orienteeritud koostööle
•    tajub ressursside paljusust ja tõmbab enda ellu kõik vajaliku

Kui olete seda tüüpi, et teil on just raske asju lõpule viia, siis loobuge meelelahutusest seni, kuni teete asja lõpuni-esitate ära-annate üle ja teadvustage eneses see tunne, kui saite tehtu valmis enne tähtaega, õigeks ajaks või saite positiivse tagasiside osaliseks.

Hakake end võrdlema endaga mitte teistega.
Kas te olete täna armastavam, hellem, mõistvam kui olite aasta tagasi?
Kas mõistate oma sõnade, tegude, suhtumise tagajärgi endale ja teistele täna selgemalt kui aasta tagasi?

Kas teete iga päev midagi väikest, mis näitab, et oskate ennast hoida – leiate aega korralikuks lõunaks, sööte tervislikku toitu, kannate õiget rõivastenumbrit ja teile sobivat stiili, kas väljendate nii oma sõnas kui mõttes tänulikkust selle kõige eest, mis Teie elus täna võrreldes eilsega paremini on?

Kui hakkate tegelema teiste inimeste asemel endaga, võite märgata peatselt kolme olulist muutust –
- teie enesetunne hakkab tõusma
- teie tervis muutub paremaks
- teie suhete kvaliteet muutub rahuldustpakkuvamaks.

See kõik tekib hetkest, mil te otsustate, et Teie ise olete oma elu peaosas, võimeline selle kõiki aspekte soovi korral muutma ning õpite nautima oma elu ilusaks loomise vastutust, millega kaasenevad suurenenud vabaduse-, õnne- ja rahutunne.

15 days till HK

So this is how long I have left of September that I will actually spend in Estonia.

What.

Therefore I'm just going to re-cap some ideas from August.

And remind myself that I promised to get some stuff done before I leave.
And I truly plan to take this rather seriously.

I want to get balls rolling in September, so I can coast along in October.
This leaving-things-undone is giving me some anxiety and that is stupid.
So therefore, get all balls rolling in September.

Ie, 15 days.

Doable.
Tight, but doable.
Focus.
The perfect exercise in focus.

First of all, tomorrow morning, I need to get cat food.
And after that, the rest can follow.

15 days.
Of focused.
And measured.
Productive.
And effective.
Action.

I, too, wish to be effective.

Yours truly.
M.

---
Affairs. (...IN ORDER. I've postponed sorting a whole bunch of stuff, since I am still of course the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination Nation. However, since I'm increasingly getting fed up with this title it's really time to turn over a new page. And re-titled myself, something like, Crown Princess of Productivity? Anyway, you get the general idea.)
Acceptance.
And goes out for everyone else as well as myself.
Plant alllll the seeds of acceptance, that you are worthy. 
Of all the good stuff there is in the whole wide world.
We deprive ourselves of the chance of success and succeeding so often, saying "we can't do it anyway", even before we've made the first tiny step.
So please, you, and you, and me as well. Let's accept ourselves for exactly what we are and accept the fact that we are worthy, of all the good.
Appreciation! Of yourself, of what you have. Appreciation and gratitude are too things most useful and most beauty-making.

Earn your own approval.

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”

—

Hafiz

I would really like a shower room like this.

I love doing stuff!
Efficient Maria.

And a full English the following morning.

power

Language is power, and language is sex and seduction.
It's sensual and mysterious, and crystal clear.
Language is intelligence, and keys to locked doors.
And language is the road, and the heritage and the trail back.

Language is age and era, language is decadence.
Language is full, it's dry, and true and false.
Language is rich and poor, it's blood, sweat and magic.

Master language and you'll master magic.

Yours truly.
M.


From a poem by Jeffrey McDaniel.

like the old days

The Friday just gone was a glorious, glorious, glorious day.

Even the weather was nice.

So much good was sorted, and realised, both by me and her.
And then we decided to have some cake to celebrate.
Which we did.
And then we decided to go to the 100th season opening at the National Opera house.

Which we also did.

And it was great.


Just the atmosphere.
Black-tie and red carpet.
The people and the whole set-up.
And the gala concert itself was excellent standard.
And the whole thing just made me very happy.

And afterwards we took photos outside the opera house, and just, that's what I want.
I want to sing, and I want to learn how to use my own voice, so much better than I can at the moment.
And I want to be the dedicated student, I want to excel at studying.
And I want to learn all the parts, and sing to all the people.
And just ..make music.
I think that's the highest purpose I have.
I just need to not stand in my own way.
As do most of us.

And I want to just embrace all of it.
As me and for me and you know..
Not pretend or try to be something for someone else.
'Cause that never lasts.

I want to excel.


Then we had Vapiano pasta and prosecco (dressed as shown below).
And then I went and (roughly) doubledd the happy-ness.
So much so, that I couldn't sleep till 5.10AM.
Adrenaline-cat was at work.

Interesting times are ahead, my darlings.

As ever.
Yours truly.
M.

always this way

And may I   a l w a y s   be this way.

I hope you've had a most lovely weekend.
I know mine has been.
(Covered in paint and loveliness.)

Tomorrow is a day to get over being snotty, sort some stuff for a work meeting on Wednesday and you know. Blah blah = life.
Point is, I wanna be covered in paint some more, and I wanna sing.

Yours truly.
M.

Natalie

And so she has announced her departure from the operatic scene.

Hm.....


I don't entirely know what this is doing to and with my insides.


You see, the thing is, I have never really been one for idols, or heroes, or..you know?
I've never REALLY been a fan of anyone, a true, hardcore fan.

The thing in my life that's only ever been that thing, is my thing with Natalie Dessay, the opera singer.
I first saw a DVD with her when I was 13. Or so.
I remember staying up till ridiculous o'clock, trying to mimick her sounds.
This is the closest to idolization I've ever got to.
And I do idolise her, absolutely to this day.

She is impeccable.
Her technique is second to absolutely none, and then the artistry, which is another topic entirely.
Divinity.

And I always had this idea, of seeing her live. Really seeing her in a production.
One of the big ones, you know?
The coveted roles, one of the ones that shape careers.

This was always my idea. My idée-fixe. 
And I always thought I'd do this when I was old enough, or wealthy enough, or just something enough, because I thought I had all the time in the world.
And more.

And sometimes people have these moments in their lives when they realise - we have no time.
Let's be honest, we don't.
Because things change, life happens, and we control none of it.

You just do not know.

And I waited for so long, I waited 11 years to then miss my chance to see the one artist live that will be The Artist for me most probably until I die.
How's that for hilarious.

And don't get me wrong - I'm not sat here going ape-sh*t because a soprano stopped singing opera.
It's the concept.
The concept of time, darlings.

We wait, and wait, and wait. For the perfect time.
Which - sorry to break it to myself, and everyone else - never arrives.
Ever.

Because there will always be a more perfect time.
And a more perfect time after that.
And after that.
A line which never ends.

If you want something, fight for it now.
If you want to be something, fight for it now.
If you want a chance, fight for it now.
If you want to travel, make it happen now.
If you want anything, bust your balls - but do it now.

Because the glittering miracle you're after might not be sat there some time from now.

This is the problem with young people. We think we have soooooooo mucccchhhh tiiiiiiime.....
Like there's a special time-god somewhere, spending all his love and grace on the 20-somethings.
But there isn't.

So don't blink and realise it's gone.
The thing with unicorns is they don't stick around and wait for sunrise.
They usually disappear.

And wouldn't that be a shame.

Yours truly.
M.

visuals, once more

(un)important

I love this.

I think this is how I see love.

Appreciating the things, "the unimportant things you find important".
I love that.

Yours truly.
M.

crow

I can't remember when this was exactly, but somehow the crow as a symbol appeared in my life.

Firstly, I really like the idea of totem animals.
Native Americans, according to my readings, don't have animals set in stone. For example, you are Pisces, you are Taurus.
But rather, your totem animal can arise out of a strong connection with a certain animal, both a positive connection, or potentially one of fear as well.
Either or, bottom-line remains - an animal that you could learn from.

And so, the wolf had made it's appearance in my life some time before.
I have absolutely no idea how this happened, largely because I've always been petrified by big dogs.
Like, to the point of crying.
Not all dogs though. I can judge and see their character really well, and it's the unpredictable ones I used to be completely terrified of.
So to this day I can't remember how the wolf made it's appearance, but it did.
And so the wolf became my own, personal totem animal.

Some time later the crow appeared.
AGAIN, a bird that I have never-ever felt anything for.
Birds in general.
I like the idea of flying, but anything other than that never existed.
But this is what I found out about the symbol of the Crow.
---

You can rest assure whenever crows are around, magic is near by and you are about to experience a change in consciousness. The crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.

The home of all that is 
not
yet
in
form

Things to come.

The striking black color of crow represents the color of creation. It is the womb out of which the new is born. Black the color of night gives birth to the light of a new day. Crow is a daytime bird reminding us that magic and creation are present in both. Their ability to shift between the known and unknown world indicates new journeys.

Crow is associated with magic, unseen forces and spiritual strength. If crow flies into your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to its caw and act accordingly.

It is the power of the unknown at work, and something special is about to happen. Crow can give you the courage to enter the darkness of the void, which is the home of all that is not yet in form.They are territorial and won't give up an area without a fight. They are loners, seeming to like to spend time to themselves.

If you have a crow as a totem, you need to be willing to walk your talk and speak your truth. You must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and "caw" the shots as you see them. Crow is an omen of change. If he keeps appearing to you he may be telling you that you have a powerful voice when addressing issues that you do not quite understand or feel that they are out of balance.

When you meet crow, he could be telling you that there will be changes in your life and that possibly you should step by the usual way you view reality and look into the inner realms …walk your talk…be prepared to let go of your old thinking and embrace a new way of viewing yourself and the world.

When you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish. Your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth. The prime path of true Crow people says to be mindful of your opinions and actions. Be willing to walk your talk, speak your truth, know your life’s mission, and balance past, present, and future in the now. Shape shift that old reality and become your future self.




http://anasopiah.blogspot.com/2009/02/crow-raven-wolf-totems.html


So.
The Crow.

Look for symbols, and look for the bits and pieces, you know.
There are so-so many interesting things in the universe to find.
Waiting for you, to find them.

Of course I'm not asking anyone to burn all the incense or not brush your teeth and live in a mud-hut, et cetera, et cetera.
But there are interesting things, for you to find.

Especially when you need some answers.

Yours truly.
M.

swim

I really feel like swimming.

That's all for now.

I hope you're being productive.
I'm thinking about swimming, and potentially being a mermaid.

These are all from my birthday, this March.

The idea of being in water seems really awesome for some reason right this second.
Immersion.

Yours truly.
M.


Middle photo: HELLO, to A, the Lon-cat.

last days of summer

Hello, 4th of September.
The nights have got really cold, but today was super nice.
So we were pretending it's still summer.

Happy pretend-summer.

Yours truly.
M.

the Great

A friend of mine told me this story today.

This is a story about Alexander the Great.

Before his death, Alexander the Great asked his friends to place him in his casket with his hands by his sides, but his palms open, facing up, bare and showing.
His friends were confused at his request and asked him why he wanted his hands to be so exposed.

To which Alexander replied: "My friends, people from around the world will travel to see me before I am buried. I want them all to see that this is the man who owns the world, and yet he leaves with two empty hands."

(PS, I don't care whether this is true or not. Do not care.)
My friend went on to say, that this is how it is. All of this is borrowed. Throughout our lives, the houses, the cars, the everything. It's all borrowed. Because at the end of it all, we give it all back and then leave with two empty hands.
Even the man who had the entire world at his feet.

So don't sign your life away for a job you don't like, or values that are not yours, or to a whole life-time of doing things that do nothing for your soul.
Because at the end of it all, you cannot take any of this with you.

So why spend a lifetime chasing someone else's unicorns.

Yours truly.
M.