essay1: my own

She believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.
_Gyula Krudy

This is a personal essay about growing into a Woman.



Dear You,


I have to start with saying, this is all very new.

I've always been quite on par with the male energy.
The strength, the drive, the plans.
However, it got so rigid.
I got so very rigid.
And I completely abandoned the free-flowing force of creating.

So I'm writing about the Woman.
This loving, creative, inspired energy, that flows.
And moves.
And never runs out.
The sacred and dirty, the muddy and untouched.
This undying space and capacity to Love.
Not demand, but turn to kindness.
The strength that it takes to remain gentle is immeasurable.

And there are many kinds of women.
Quiet, loud, strong, gentle, long-haired, short-haired - I don't care.
Blah blah, not the point, at all.
I'm talking to all of you, the whole spectrum.

This is a post to the women who happen to read this.



I really sincerely hope with every cell in my being that you simply don't give a f*ck.


I really hope you give yourself the freedom to really, truly, and honestly, let yourself turn into the Woman you desire and wish and need to be.


Not the woman someone expects.
Your family, neighbours, the society, or even your close friends.
It does not matter.
It really really really really does not matter.
At all.

Just give yourself the freedom to Grow into the Woman you want to be.
I think I'm just on my way.
To being the Woman.

So far it's like I've been a projection.
A projection of ideas, of some things, or something.
But now it feels like I'm growing into my own bones.
Slowly, very slowly, and it feels a little weird, and sometimes it's painful.

But the bottomline is.
There is infinite potential in being a Woman.
And I mean, Your Own Woman.
Not just female, as in having the parts, but really living according to your own standards.
WHATEVER they might be.

And this is when what is dry turns wet, what's lost is found, what's far is near and so on and so on.
Just you being you, with you sprinkled on top.
To fulfill you.
To make you proud.
To free yourself to be more Yourself.
And the cool thing is, this is quite the opposite of selfish - because what follows is a new force to share and give and connect.

This is not meant to sound like I'm making the status of Man any smaller - I just don't have the privilege of being one.
And so I discuss Women.
This freedom of looking, acting and speaking like YOU want.
To make yourself proud and free.
A Woman like that is as steady as the sea.
A force in her own right, boundless measures of creativity and the will to make it happen.
Whatever "it" is.
So many of us glance at the love-side of the fence, to find this magical space, but I really don't think we'll ever find what we're looking for without this freedom of Being.
This abundance of being You.
My expectations about myself.
Woman.
How I see it.

With the strength, and creativity, and caring/not-caring, and passion and drive, and softness and gentleness.
Not just an image of Maria, but actually Maria.

I somehow felt a little of this today.
I hadn't been feeling well all day, and all of a sudden there it was.
And it was so nice.
This completely stress-free way of being and breathing.
So steady, soft and strong at the same time.
Breathing in my things, and exhaling my things.
Not anyone else's past pains or failures or ideas or obsessions.



This is the light I have to follow.
And go where it leads.
And this will only ever lead to more light.
Like my singing Teacher said: "If it feels good, it is good."




So.
Follow your own rabbits, ladies, seriously, girls, you guys, please.

And if you happen to be chasing someone else's, be smart enough and brave enough to face it for what it is.
And then let it go.
Let them run.
Watch the strange rabbit run and run and run and turn into a tiny speck on the horizon before it disappears completely.
And then stand there for a while, lost and somewhat baffled.
Probably quite scared.
But have faith in the fact that sure enough, your own rabbits will come.
Your own heart will beat after your own desires.
And then you can start chasing the poor rabbits again.
But the true ones.
Your true rabbits.



I will be My Own.


I hope to meet many Women like this in my lifetime.
And one day I hope to be one, really be one, so someone who is not yet free can look at me and go, Look, she has grown her roots and grown into her roots, I want to get there too.


All I have is what I am.
And that is everything.

Love, always.
M.

expressive

Okay, so.

I don't think I particularly struggle with self-expression.
However.
..and this is something I've spoken about before.

Clothes.

Spring is coming.
And I was reading Dani's blog, as I do most days, and she was saying how she's lost her expressiveness via clothes.
And I'm exactly the same.
I find it rather depressing - the idea.
Clothes are amazing!
And should be used to extend Yourself.
Everything, EVERYTHING is an extension of ourselves.

And it's a missed opportunity not to use clothes in the same fashion.


And then there's me moaning endlessly about being bored.
Yes, well WEAR something interesting - and then let's see how you feel.
Maybe it will work, maybe not.
However, it's worth a shot.
Not to look boring.

Okay then.

Yours truly.
M.

http://dani.metromode.se/


Here she supports a distinct lack of clothing, I just love the top left shot.

birthday 1/2

I started this post exactly a year ago when we celebrated my 24th birthday.
And I promised then to upload some photos of the celebrations, which I never did.

And since it's now been a year I feel it is entirely fitting to complete this.


So.
Happy birthday, to me, for last year!

Question.
What was I celebrating?
What does anyone ever celebrate?

I think I was celebrating Home.
Coming home, having done it, having lifted some part of something.
Some ..inescapable situation, or feeling.
I was celebrating, a victory of somekind.
And it was really worth celebrating.

This idea of celebrations is heavily on my mind since I simply cannot understand why I'm so not there with this one this year.
It's bizarre.
I've always been a huge huge huge fan of birthdays.
And now all of a sudden.

But I think I just really do feel in the middle of some processes, and it would be silly to claim any victories.
I'll claim them next year - and Jesus, will I have victories then.

 (PS. I don't want this to sound critical, as if I need to cut myself some slack. I am fully aware I've come so far, and some of the things are amazing already. Just when you have the steam, don't stop to admire the view. Use the steam. Heaven knows we don't always have it.)

Love to all of you.
M.

gay

I'm currently watching a documentary called "Out There".
It's a BBC doc by Stephen Fry.
It's a doc about homosexuality, or rather the stupidity it encounters and meets all around the world.
The stupidity and brutality and violence and just, no.
But I won't pause on this now.

Still, here's a link to part 2.
Do watch it, it's worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc19KxerK7U

There was this guy who used to be in a boy band, was told to suppress being "too gay" by the manager, and then it kind of stuck with him, for decades.
This habit of hiding, or pretending.
"Fake" as he called it.
A duplicate of himself.
A cheap copy.
Now he is an actor making his way in Hollywood and still is struggling so so much with being free, being himself and being honest.
Just the very way he is.

Well, anyway, this isn't a post about homosexuality, but this is a post about freedom.
Personal freedom.

This we must value most, personal freedom.
And all we can do is respect others, do no harm.
To get rid of this blind violence.

We can only do our part.
Hear others, really hear them out.
Try to understand.
The only force to reverse any of this is love and love and more love.

There is so much pain in the world, so much anger and so much blindness.

Seriously.
Just watch this documentary.

It's just about freedom, and love, and understanding.
And compassion.

We can never run out of compassion, it costs nothing, at all.
It requires no age, no sex, no religion, or geographic placement.
Compassion and kindness - it just is.

I just watched a bit of the documentary, where a Brazilian mothers recounts the death of his 15-year-old son.
Tortured and murdered by a bunch of guys who abducted him.
Just because he "looked gay".
Such hatred shocks me to such an extent.

The freedom to love, whom we love, how we love.

Yours truly.
M.

forever

I wrote this draft a forever ago.

And now's the time to complete it.

tank and water spirit
what do both want
how do both get their goals
what are both rooted in

i want to be held, and loved.
but its easier to be a tank cause then i dont make myself vulnerable.

i am gentle.
very strong, but gentle

tank and water spirit.
women need fluidity.
they are the water, and the energy, and the flow.

So, that.

I don't think I see myself as a tank at all anymore.

I once thought this impossible.

I feel gentle. And soft.

Obviously fragile due to this, which is still taking a lot of getting used to.

But I am water, not a tank now.

And this for me is something worthy of my Quarter Century that's coming up.

It is something to which I can say I am proud of myself, and what I've accomplished within myself.

It still comes with the Lows, but I think I'm getting somewhere. 

A heart that never hardens.

That's what I want to have.

Forever soft, forever strong.

With love, always.

M.

 

spring

Spring is coming.

And my birthday, on Saturday.

25.

I was just saying the other day, that these two years 24-25 and 25-26 will turn out to be the most pivotal.
I feel it with some certainty.

Because I'm IN this right now, I can't yet see it all clearly, nor do I have to.

But I can sense, the magnitude, of this period of time, on my life, the rest of it.

Spanning and unravelling like great Siberian plains.

Ending in the glorious nothingness of everything.

Understanding that makes all this easier.

Swimming in the middle of the ocean you can't see the size.

Once you zoom out, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom, and zoom...then you realize.

The size.

This is what it feels like now.

These are my plans for the birthday week:
singing lessons
listen to a lot of opera
choose new arias to learn
wear lots of eyeliner

So as you can see, lots of celebration plans - l o l

:D

I mean.
Yep.
This is the first time I've ever used a smiley in the blog.
But there's a first for everything.

Actually, I do want to add to my body ink this week.
I got the first one for my 20th and adding to this for my 25th seems fitting.

Apart from that - I will celebrate, with good thoughts, or something.
I don't see much meaning having a party.
Gosh, I sound like I'm 400 years old or something.
But seriously.
I see my dearest all the time.
And the rest of the people I'd love to celebrate with are not in the country.
I would much rather spend the money I'd spend on some useless cocktail on a singing lesson - and suck in their amazinggg-ness.
The teacher is just, yep, that - a Teacher.

I think I'm gonna get myself a good language set for my birthday.
I'm going to start ploughing through Italian opera and the Italian teacher returns on the 16th of March.
And I think it would be super beneficial.
Super super.

And there's some talk of a summer course in Florence so I'd love to rock up and be like - hey, I'm gonna order my ham in Italian, and the wine to go with it.

I had a concert on Saturday and two yesterday.
And I want to Go, and Do, and Be.
Life is not for imagining, it's for doing.
Imagination - fine.
But if all we ever do is sit and imagine and cry about things, nothing ever happens.
And I want things to happen.

E for EMOTIONS.
F for f* it.
S for SPRING.

Yours truly.
As always.
M.

новый

NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW

This is the one pull that I feel most.
The call of New-ness.

nuovo
ny
neu
nouveau
UUS


I hear it all the time.

I get bored so easily.
And how ridiculous is it then to try and mimic someone's ideas.
Someone else's life.
Surely this just makes more boredom.

Always.
Always, just more boredom.
More boredom.
For life.

And this is not what I want.

Maybe that's why I like New Year's so much.
The idea of a NEW year.


Not to give any f*cks, but hear what I hear.
See what I see.
Do what I do.
Follow what I follow.


Here's the thunder.
With love.
M.


I'm thinking of a new photoshoot.

flux

Everything is in flux.

I'm learning lyrics.
For tomorrow's concert.
And trying to visualise things I'd want.
To do.
Work things, and things.
What I would want.

It's so hard tuning out other voices.
Other people and what they do.
Just to focus on me and not copy anyone else, ever.

Surprisingly hard.

And here's this photo I found.
They never used it for this article we made, but it was up online anyway.
And it's SO LIKE ME.


So like me.

Tuning out.
I guess this is where meditation comes into play as well.
The art of tuning out.

The art of being You.
The art of being Me.
The art of being Ourselves, because we have no other options, to be honest.

The art of being Me.

Love to you all.
As always.
M.

transform

I found this article and I really like it.
I think Tantra has managed to get itself a bad name much thanks to people just seeing it as a way to lots and lots of sex.
And just, trivialising it.
So I like this article.

And this idea that one can go so deep into the heart of what it loves that it then becomes love itself.
What a nice idea.
And the idea that Tantra accepts everything as a part of learning, all of it. Everything that we might feel or meet - everything is a part of "embracing the path".
..which is more commonly called Life, y'know.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/the-yoga-of-tantric-love-7-reasons-why-its-not-just-about-sex/

To have Hope, Faith and Love.
The three Big Gangstas.

I happened upon the end of Shawshank redemption the other day.
What a glorious film.
And there was this quote at the end I'd never really noticed:

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And a good thing never dies."

Patience, and kindness.
Words into Actions.
I have a sneaky feeling this is quite literally the core and heart of this year.
My Quarter century year.

Actual harmony only lives inside.
With or without or whatever.
We are what we have.
10 points to me every time I remember this.

And I also like this idea about gratitude I read somewhere, that the reason why gratitude is so important, being grateful for everything you've got, is that sending this out as a signal, life and the universe gets a go-ahead for sending more stuff your way.

Trust in what you already know!


If you speak Estonian:
http://alkeemia.ee/artiklid/10-tarkust-Buddhalt/l-12/c-1587/

So this is a reminder post.
About important things.

With love.
M.


And just THIS, you know.
By a Spanish poet Antonio Machado, translated by Robert Bly.
Last Night, As I Was Sleeping

(just one verse)
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt — marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Sweet honey_from my old failures.
So divine.

wednesday

Bye bye, Wednesday!

Hello, Thursday.

I'm watching this brilliant BBC documentary called The Code.

It's all up on YouTube and if you have some time you should most definitely check it out.

Really really awesome.

I love it when the "serious" things are spun so they appear much more tangible.

Like this science theory.

Awesome.

I'm a sucker for shapes and structures.

So very excellent.

Everything follows a path.

Everything.

One thing after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another 

Cause and effect.

Cause and effect.

Cause and effect.

Chaos is just cause and effect.

All I'm saying is.

Sometimes we are faced with situations which just are.

And we can do this or do that, some things just are.

All we can do is all we can do.

And the rest will be, or will not be.

Take comfort in the fact that this apparent chaos is just cause and effect.

Let's just drown everything in love and gentleness and kindness.

Let's see how this works.

Keep your thoughts in check.

Love to all of you.

As always.

Yours truly.

M.

got soul?

This is a post about soul.

If we're honest, our soul is all we have.

I gave an interview today.

It gave me some interesting insight about my very self as well.

Or at least where I am, in this life.

Things are shifting.

Everywhere, all the time.

Protect your soul.

With love.

M.

I = my life

Let's cut to the chase.

We all consist of parts.

The entity, the individual, we are made up of ingredients.

I seem to frequently F*CKING forget mine.

And this makes me angry.

If you couldn't tell.

My task at hand is this.

Live the life I want.

Simple.

I'm tired of this mindless procrastinating only to find it makes things worse. Of course.

Why not just live the life I truly want.

The only difference between not doing and doing is,.. well....DOING.

That's all.

I'm tired of disliking my life.

I'm tired of disliking.

The inner the outer the flow and speed and action and reaction real and imaginary.

So this is me giving up and giving in, in a way.

Give up, already.

Stop fighting.

And all that then remains is the life I want.

So that I will feel fulfilled and proud and IN MOTION.

Stagnation is death to creativity and creativity is my core.

Do the math.

Books and air and motion and power and heart and passion and juices.

Give.

Up.

Imagine a life I want.

Someone said, "worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want".

HOW correct is that.

Why ever imagine a future other than exactly the one you want.

Truth is.

I've never known how to do this.

Maybe I did at some point.

But I'm turning 25 in 2 weeks and this is getting ridiculous.

Pure and simple.

Make up my own reality.

Make up my own reality.

Feel like I want to feel.

For realz.

This force could be my greatest drive and engine.

If left undealt with, works like corrosive acid.

I'm free when I can run fast and run far.

Run fast.

And run far.

25.

This feels like a breaking or shifting point.

Finally.

Breaking open.

{I need to buy a kaleidoscope}

Fear is there for me to stare it in its FACE.

With love.

M.

you know what

I feel like I have nothing to write about lately.

This says more about the over-all state in my head/mind/and-whatever than anything else.

And over-all, i feel, basically nothing.

But I hope all of you are really content, and fulfilled and balanced.

And following your bliss.

Peace.

As ever.

M.

what do I want from MYSELF

Hello.

So, the question is - what do I want from ME.

I know what other people would like.

But, hey Maria - what would you like from Maria?

Why thanks for asking.

I'll get back to you when I give myself the time to actually understand that.

In other news, today was good.

Awesome lesson.

Helen is awesome.

And now I'm going to play my word search game and then sleep.

Good night, darlings.

Oh!

And I chopped my hair off.

Myself.

Yours truly.

M.

soft

Hello, my darlings.

This is a post about "soft".


Right.
I don't know about you but I grew up thinking "soft" will never ever get you anywhere at allll in this life.
And then I grew.
Just became more and more, cold and rigid, and tank-like.
And I used to love this.
The worse it got, the "better" I thought it all was.
Ooooooooohh, look at meee, I'm like a tank.

Lo-and-behold, I turned 23 or something and realised none of this - and I mean, NONE of this - works.
Nor does it have any logic.

Tank.
Seriously.
What.
Why would that be a good thing.
How can anyone make music like that?
How can anyone love or make love like that?
How can anyone make art, or something new?
How could anyone create like that?

One word: ice-queen.



And yes, la-la-la, "invincible and Strong" and whatever.
Point is.

It's actually a living breathing walking suicide. 

And it's so addictive, as is everything, let's be honest here.
You do something enough times and it becomes second nature.
Pretty simple.
Repetition is the root-mother of every thing.
SIMPLE AS.
You do something enough, and BAM! you think it's "my character".
I've done it enough times.

It's the rule that makes nature wonderful and terrifying.

So repeat the RIGHT things.
RIGHT FOR YOU.
F*CK someone else's "rights" and "wrongs".
Pick and choose what you want to be, pick and choose what you want to be seen as.
Make your life.
Make YOURSELF.

God.
This is super to myself.
Screw them all.
This is what I think.
All of them.
And just make YourSelf.
Pick the people, embrace and love and keep the people who let you be You, and just don't expect anything more or anything less.
Just You, the You-est you and the You of YOUR own choosing.
Not someone's cat or Jesus Christ's grandma.
Just YOU.

Enough with the ice queen tendencies now.
I don't like people like that, why should I ever try to BE it myself.

I am the dreamer, the soft ripe giving thing, like spring and wet soil, y'know?
Muddy, dirty, bloody, like gawddamn Mother Earth.
So why, again, my favourite question of all existence, why would I then turn into ice, which is by its very definition the opposite of wet, warm and fertile?

And if we want to talk about strength, then what is actually stronger than the earth, the basis on which all of this motherfrikkin circus is standing on anyway.

So seriously.
I need to stop this infantile ridiculousness.
And just become the person I want to be.
And kick ass like that.
I don't know why this is taking so long....but hey. Patience after-all.

Patience.
Keep muddy, keep warm and keep wet.
Peace out, darlings.

Yours truly.M.