okay is not okay

Aka Let Me Entertain You.

31.12.2013

Last one.

The last day.

And the last evening.

And here I am.

Sat on the Spaniards sofa.

Sitting, and breathing, and waiting.

Waiting for some peace and calm to arrive.

Or rather, to settle.

The last day of the year.

Last day of 2013.

I guess all I'm really feeling is gratitude.

I'm grateful for the year I've had.

I'm grateful I've had the lessons I've had.

I want to accept that there are no bad things.

Everything is positive, all that is is a frame of mind.

If I'm very honest with you, 5 hours before we enter 2014, I'm really scared.

I feel fear and I don't really know why.

I guess I'm scared of understanding that This Is It.

The "rest of my life" I've been waiting for.

There's nothing left to do, but live the life I want.

And this fear is huge, honestly.

I'm scared of making wrong choices I think? Or saying the wrong thing?

Of ruining this feeling?

Or ruining this "golden path" that I can see somewhere in the close distance?

But.

Fear is fine.

Fear is human.

Fear is an emotion and without emotion we are no longer alive.

So it is all perfectly fine.

Fear is fine.

Everything is fine.

But at the end of it all, jump in.

Head first, feet first, heart first, spirit first.

And do it.

Impossible is nothing.

All that restricts you is the bounds of your heart and soul.

And once we accept that this actually is infinite, and infinity, there's nothing more to do but act.

Trust (!!!!) the Universe, trust life and trust in the endless capacity of love that drives this whole system, round and round.

And so here I am.

On the Spaniards sofa.

Soon I'll get changed, drink my tiny vodka, and my large champagne that I bought to celebrate the end of the tour.

All I want from this life currently at hand is to give and receive Love, give kindness in word and action.

Be gentle, and unassuming, and not judge.

I want to take everything exactly as it is, in reality, be present in the moment, not live my life 5 minutes in the past or 5 minutes in the future.

There is no fear in the present.

I want to entertain.

This first quarter century of my life that will soon be finished was under the headline of Songbird.

Next one is for the Prima Donna - it's time for me to work my actual butt off.

Actually actually work it off.

Crazy.

Let me entertain you.

Again and again.

And again.

I love you all.

Happy end of the year.

In Estonia, tonight is called Old Years Evening.

And it's always for contemplation.

So this is my conclusion of 2013.

"Okay" is NOT okay.

Being "fine" doesn't cut it anymore.

Follow your Soul and make your own stars shine.

2014 and the Stallion, bring it on.

I'll greet you with some fear, but so. frikkin. what.

It's time.

Be kind to yourselves, and be honest.

With love.

Yours truly, always.

M.

 

end of the comfort zone

30.12.2013

Penultimate day of the year has just drawn to a close.

We were walking with the Spanish one earlier. We had finished eating some pasta with the pretty one, and I decided to get some nail polish base coat. And off we went.

And so we got to this crossing right in the centre of town, across the street from the main concert hall, Estonia.

Long story short, I nearly fainted I think, or had some form of heart failure moment, because our tour poster aka my face, was on the wall of the concert hall.

Here's a fact about my life.

I have dreamt of the day when I am up there for as long as I can remember. 

Honestly.

And I really think some base soul level something took place looking at it.

I thought I had some time till I got to that?

I don't know, it was just so out of the blue.

Some sort of homecoming, a completion again, to wrap up 2013.

Ridiculous joy, like unhingedly euphoric.

It was strange, to try and say the least.

So now I'm in the Spaniards bed, because this is not a night to sleep on my own.

I need security tonight and she is after all my soul-mum, or some sh*t like that.

What happens at the end of our comfort zone.

Something very peculiar.

Comfort, so called "comfort", becomes very very uncomfortable.

This crazy itch, to do something, the discontent with the Self.

Literally, ants in your pants, wanting "something".

Usually the remedy is to go out, get way too drunk for any human need and party h-a-r-d.

But it won't fix anything.

The only thing to fix any of this is Action.

The remedy is Doing.

Doing what is right for you, for your Soul-Self.

So take action.

And I need to take action.

The thing is.

Healing doesn't happen over night. 

It takes time, it's a decision you make every day.

A choice to let yourself be happy.

So choose right, choose kind, and choose honest.

As always, yours truly.

M.

the end

Hello, darlings.

Gosh I've been so ..away, somewhere.

Behind some faraway planet.

Some other sphere.

End of the year is drawing near so quickly. 

Basically 56 hours left, to plant a full stop, nice and steady, to complete this thought, and start the new one.

Next year, next sentence.

This New Years will be like that.

I will still wear glitter and sequins and pop something sparkling, but all this club stuff can go do one.

I'm so over it, it's not even funny.

All it does is confuse the energy and mess up your balance.

And the one thing I don't want to happen is my bubble to burst.

There's this wise man here that everyone knows, Igor Mang, and every year he writes a planetary prediction of the upcoming year.

And they are just humorous, literally, how accurate some of it is.

Like details.

Of international and national events.

So I just read parts of his prediction for 2014 which apparently will bring a widespread need for self-fulfillment and the need to "be" someone.

Really make something of yourself, follow your way.

And I mean, it's only appropriate to quote Britney here:

"So get to work, bitch."

I can really feel it, this super mega ennui at not doing enough, but not for someone else, not my family or the omnipresent society and its ideas of right and wrong, but really for myself.

I can see how much time I waste, all the time.

And it was truly necessary this year but not anymore.

This year of the Snake was my year, since I was born as one.

A year of coming home, physically, geographically and mentally-spiritually.

24 and the Snake and the end of some cyclical movements.

But now the next phase is coming and if I don't want to get caught under the stampede of my own will and power, I better act accordingly.

Restricting yourself like that is the dumbest thing, ever.

And I do some dumb sh*t, ask my friends.

But that's actually the most dumbest-est.

So no more.

So here I am, 29th of December, 2013.

A year, 3 months and 19 days after I wrote my first 6-month plan, simply because I was so lost.

Feels like an actual life-time.

Anyone who says you cannot change your character and Fate and all that, right - sorry, not sorry, but I absolutely disagree.

To the thousandth degree.

All you need is a wish, a want to change something and the rest is all a blank page.

Do, change, want, develop, see, listen, grow, shift, morph, concrete to water.

Do

What

You

Want

The only prerequisite is a wish.

A wish for change and a wish for Something Else.

Well well well, what a year this has been.

I think I'll write a little something of this year tomorrow and 31st as well.

But this will do for now.

If I could give you something, I'd give you and myself the Courage to do the thing we see and sense as the right thing.

For us, ourselves, and only ourselves.

After all -

Make sure you can swim first, then go save humanity.

As always, love to alllllll of you.

Yours truly.

M.

blog?

Bad kitty. 

I haven't blogged in a while.

And as we know, every day i don't blog, is a day of uncollected thoughts.

And this time is no different.

Christmas this year arrived with an unwanted friend.

Serious past and baggage time.

But this is just a matter of semiotics, I guess...

Label it different.

Not impossible.

There is no one and only.

With anything.

There's choices and options and paths.

We each have a different one.

And so we have different things that hurt.

No pain is the same.

Find the people who heal your pain.

It's the greatest gift anyone can give.

Things don't simply disappear, sadly.

Until we are ready to take them, head on, and always with love.

For that is the only thing ever to heal anything really.

So when you do find that which hurts, give it Love.

Give yourself (!!) love.

Whatever it is that has caused you this pain, it has done it long enough.

So out of pure love for yourself, forgive.

And release.

And where there was pain, is now Love.

I know all this founds fairly vague and lala-land, but it works.

I'm on my way to tour concert number 3.

It's 2 days before Christmas and my heart is somewhere else.

But it's good, all of this is good.

And last night as well, so many old friends.

So happy 4th Advent to you all.

Stick with your process, and as long as you have Hope in a universal abundance, you'll be just fine.

I think it's time for me to do some reading.

And painting.

And maybe even go to some work out class.

Or yoga with Pisces.

Mostly reading though.

As ever, yours truly.

M.

maniacs

So.

The full moon is approaching.

This always brings a violent time.

I'm not looking forward to this.

It's already starting and I can feel this.

This aggression, the violent energy.

The want to break something.

This restless drive.

For something.

It makes me feel...scared.

Just somehow really apprehensive.

But I have full faith in the fact that this will pass, as it always does.

I'm at the Spaniards house today, sleeping over, for some female spa time.

Turns out we were all having a hideous day, me, Spanish and Pisces.

So better to have it together.

We had some burgers, and chocolate, and cold medicine.

Since all three of us are also coming down with some cold thing.

This weekend was insane with work. Like insane.

(But as long as there's coffee, I'm fine.)

Anyway, now it's time for sleeping.

Tomorrow, all I will say, is yay!!!!

Happy Tuesday!!

Yours truly. 

M.

life

So.

Yesterday I had two concerts.

And filmed this tv interview.

And then right now, I'm on my way to gig number 1 of the day, and second one starts at 7pm.

The second one also marks the beginning of the Christmas Tour!

Woo!

Today will be finished, and then I'm becoming human once more.

A human who concentrates on eating.

And sleeping.

And a beauty regime.

And reading.

And eating again.

And maybe walking.

Et

Cetera.

We just need to remember that every deviation from the norm - the balanced, peaceful state - is "tension".

And there can be both negative and positive tension.

Everything that affects the middle line of our energy is tiring.

And this is exactly where I'm at.

This month so far has been crazy wonderful.

But I'm really tired.

Not of any one thing in particular, rather just the body wants time to process everything and let it sink in.

So give yourself time to rest even after the super hyper mega positive things in your life.

Your system needs time to take everything in.

And so I'm going to carry on driving towards gig number 1.

Yours truly.

M.

 

our fears

So.

Fears, right.

Our fears.

And how to tell the difference between a fear and the truth.

You know, we're told to trust our gut feeling?

Our gateway to universal truth?

But how to tell the difference between a gut feeling and a fear?

I guess a gut feeling is in the present.

You cannot "gut feel" the future. 

You can fear the future.

But the present, the here and now, that's a different game court.

I think.

Bottomline.

RECEIVE THE GOOD YOU'RE GIVEN.

With no reservations or past or future.

Really really truly receive it.

Accept it, embrace it, fully and honestly. 

With love.

M.

lumi

Snow life. 

It's snowing, so there's snow.

What is it with me and winter this year. 

Strange.

But serene.

I almost don't want spring to come with its incessant need, once again.

Demanding and clawing at the skin and bones of every living thing.

Just to claim its prizes. 

And usually it's my favorite.

But now.

It's nice to dwell under the cover of ice.

Kind of secret.

Spring drags everything out of the frozen ground, out in the open.

Somehow exposed in its need to make new life.

Kind of pornographic, you know?

Winter is hidden and it's silent and demure and unmoved.

Like a Sunday morning under covers.

Or words that only you can hear and eyes meant for none other.

It's like, sinking and submitting.

The tranquil looks of giving in.

It's as dirty as it's pure. 

The ice just ties you up, in its dungeon, and then the fire makes you free.

As carnal as it's holy.

Winter - the true soul home of Erotica.

Apparently this is what I now like.

Again, and always, I have love for all of you.

Yours truly.

M.

 

the flood

After me comes the flood.

Peter Gabriel still on my mind.

So the week coming up.

First of all, Monday through to Wednesday I've got lessons with a new teacher, this Italian man. 

So let's all keep our fingers crossed and hope that this is Jesus sending another literal Jesus my way.

This would be marvelous.

I really seek a Teacher.

Not only in terms of singing but in any walk of life.

I seek advice and council and above all - inspiration.

I seek inspiration in this life.

Then there's also 5 gigs next week, one of which is the opening of The Tour.

Omg omg omg programs omg programs omg.

Omg.

So that's my week coming up.

Literally one week.

Sunday to Sunday. 

Wish me luck.

I will of course keep you posted.

With love.

Yours truly.

M.

steady

The power of rocking steady.

I'm getting my bus at 10am tomorrow.

RIGA-TLN.

Next week is going to be so so interesting.

So many challenging things, so many new things. 

But I will tell you more once I reach my laptop.

For now, I'm watching Poirot in bed.

I sat in a rehearsal today, Wagner, which I don't usually like. 

I did today.

I'm mellow and relaxed and balanced, I think.

Have a really good evening.

Yours truly.

M.

Riia

So hello world, and goodbye world.

I'm on a bus to Riga.

Because that's what's going on right now.

And I'm listening to Peter Gabriel.

And I've sorted all my work things, and emails and some useful things.

And Riga is meant to be nice this time of year.

/ :)

And I sang my concert today. 

To school children.

Apparently, when the music teacher told the kids they were going to have a concert where I'm singing, this little one, a 7 year old girl, put her hand up, with a super troubled face:

"Are you joking with us, miss? Is she REALLY coming here?"

And yes I did.

And they were INCREDIBLE kids. 

So responsive.

And so inspired by the opera and the music.

So we agreed with the music teacher that me and the pianist would return to that school.

And it started snowing!!

Inconvenience today, but god almighty it's pretty. 

And so here I am.

Half way to Riga.

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

I have Love for all of you.

Yours truly.

Always.

M.

days

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

Human kindness is over-flowing, I think it's going to rain today.

These quotes mean only one thing, and one thing alone -

Peter Gabriel.

You are on and in my mind.

Today was a good nothing-day.

Tomorrow will be only a little bit useful.

It's incredible what you get when you face a fear, and let it go.

Just let it fade into nothing, and fill your holes, so nothing drains out in secret.

Absolutely spine-chillingly incredible.

The process is tiresome and wears you 

out and wears you down, but so what?

Challenge is good.

All of it is good.

And the sooner we realize that the better for our lives.

And also - doing the work with yourself and your life, means keeping doing the work.

That's why it's a process, because it doesn't stop.

I don't think you arrive at Bliss Station and call it a day.

The Bliss is the Process.

It's the continuing process of development.

And that's where the peace lives.

But it doesn't stop.

Flows as fluid as life.

Balanced, but super alive.

Universe and love.

Yours truly.

M.

why?

I don't usually like the arrival of December and all that, but this time I'm so excited!!!

What's going on?!

Advent.

M.

4 days

What a ridiculous life, let's be honest.

And how much happens in 4 days, quite honestly.

Weird and wonderful at the same time.

So now it's the time for grace and gratitude, and hard work and concentration. And focus.

And creating self-stability.

Within the self and for the self and from the self.

Because balance is the key to all of it and the greater lesson behind the unnoticeable ones we are dealt all the time, every day.

So balance your seas.

I've really not had enough sleep lately, so I decided tomorrow I was just going to take a day to myself.

Sleep in, get my affairs in order, get MYSELF in order, do some laundry, sort a little, and the rest, you know?

No actual things, just the fillers, which are so necessary sometimes.

And I'm looking forward to just waking up to an empty schedule - divine.

Again, I have so much love for you all.

Inexplicable, and quite common lately.

Weird and wonderful again.

The only thought I really want to leave you with, is Accept the Good you are Given.

Yours truly.

Good night, darlings.

M.