hey, guys!!

I'm feeling so cheerful it's almost weird.

We're sat on the bus on our way back to Tallinn.

I'm listening to Beethoven's 9th (thanks, shuffle!), drinking birch tree juice and googling vegan recipes and Eco-shops in Tallinn. Post-fasting you basically have to recover for as long as you did the fast so in my case 5 days. 

This doesn't mean anything else apart from being super gentle to my insides.

Also, I really want a juicer.

Time to check the budget.

Peace and love and happy Sunday!

M.

fasting

For starters, can I just say this fasting process is amazing, and HARD.

I've been thinking of posting something the entire time I've been here but I don't even know where to start.

Or how to start.

Today is day4 so tomorrow is the last one and then we leave.

I feel like I came here a lifetime ago. Time completely loses meaning when you don't measure it like we're used to.

No meal times, no duty times, no meetings.

You just Are.

I've realized how much I use food to claim control over something, life I guess.

When something doesn't go right, I eat - something that I Want.

When I feel this or that or the other, I eat - again, something that I Want.

And this is an endless cycle of utterly fake self-gratification.

It leads to nowhere.

Just your system ending up carrying so many toxins which it most certainly does not need.

Same with drinking, smoking.

Unnecessary pollution if we're honest.

So now I'm here, sat on my bed.

Last time I ate was Tuesday night. (Which by the way sounds ridiculous, to me!! And even more ridiculous is the fact that my body is 100% fine!!!)

My mind feels alert, it is easier to breathe and feel and connect.

I've walked in the woods and the fields behind this farm house where we are staying. I've read books, many of them, I've meditated and I've danced, and I've felt easy.

And then - this feeling comes back - the anxiety of life, what about this, what about that, what about these expectations and those rules or deadlines et cetera et cetera et cetera...... The list is endless.

But I really do not want this.

I want to live a life where the process is the true joy. 

I listened to some music yesterday and danced a little (not too much because I would not have the energy - downside of fasting) and it was so amazing, just to be able to do that.

I've definitely found some peace, which was so desperately necessary and there is space now - space for new life, in my insides, my brain cells, my thoughts.

Having had Pisces here is such a help. This is not something I would want to do on my own right now. Maybe at some point in this life, but not now.

So - I've drank probably twice my body weight in fresh birch and maple tree "juice". I've released some fear. I've slept a lot. I've emptied my insides (not the nicest part of fasting). I've had two massages. I've sat in the sauna every night. And I've definitely spent two lifetimes of just enjoying the moments. The weather has been a godsend and spring is in full gear.

Just to say - if I would have come here to diet or lose weight or whatever, this would be hell on earth, truly, no jokes.

The only way and I mean the only way to fast is when you feel a meaning - you find something you want to resolve and release or purify or cleanse, something that has hurt you or confused you or made you feel lost or down or anything! The list goes on but you get the point.

Because your body will be a little off-track at times, and then you say "I'm cleansing you", "I'm purifying you", "I'm releasing anger from my mind", "I'm making new space".

And it works, you carry on and the process keeps developing.

I love you all, as ever.

I don't want to stay in the dark, guys, I really don't. 

I don't want to fear some random bulls*t and I want to feel Light and free.

So that's me, almost post-fasting.

This is about endurance, doing what's good for me, and not always peeking at the easy way out - with this kind of work, there are no shortcuts.

God it's hard, and god it's good.

Yours truly.

Love, always.

M.

nails

My nails are ready for the fasting.

Not sure if I am.

Love.

M.

tonight

I'm really angsty tonight.
It's so boring.
Seriously.


I put a wash on, and I'm watching this documentary, super interesting called "Forks over Knives" again about food and the effect it has on the human body, and "Food Matters".
Again, masterpieces.
SO FASCINATING!


And I'm angsty.
I don't know why but I am and it's really really snacking on my insides.
Tomorrow I'll wake up at 8AM and get stuff done.
This is not nice.


I'm getting my nails done tomorrow, and buying some crayons.
I want my hands and fingers to aid my thinking.
And I think I'm getting my body mass and all that measured tomorrow.
The pharmacies are doing it for free until the end of the month, so I thought why not.
Interesting to find out.


I hope this is gonna disappear soon.

Night, darlings.
M.

fertile soil

Hey, guys!

Happy Monday!
This is a post about soil, seeds and fertility.



Spring is a time for new life.
Life coming out of the soil, of muck and mud, making something where there was none before.
It's a season all dedicated to new beginnings, and births.
And planting the seeds.
Plant as many as you can, and find some fertile soil.
Find soil that fits you.
Don't throw your precious seeds of ideas and emotions and needs on soil where people disrespect and disregard you.

Your wishes and your wants are your children - treat them as such.
With love and care and let them grow grow grow, stronger and steadier.
And one day they will make new life themselves.
Don't drown your inspiration, but hold it above water and see what happens.


I felt something today.
I realised that it's time for me to grow and finally see that some things in this world are forever.

That not everything runs out.
Some things don't have a beginning or an end, they just are.
Forces and waves bigger than me and you and all of us put together.
Some things don't run out.
Some things are infinite, the tap keeps running.
Some things don't have a beginning and an end.
They just are.
The Love that flows about in this world is not a limited resource - it flows and flows and flows.
It remains.
Not everything runs out.

And so we don't need to hold on just so tight.
There will always be something to catch us if we just give life a chance to catch up.
It's like keeping your eyes shut really shut, and saying how dark everything is.
There's always something.

But this takes such courage (which I'm working on right now).
To trust that some taps just keep running, running, running until the end of infinity.


Trust life, so magic can come and help you.
Quite seriously.
Love, always.
M.

i love

I love fresh juice.
I love juicing.
I love stormy stormy seas.
I love the green colour of spring.
I love songs that really make you feel something.
I love getting my hands dirty, mud, or paint, or whatever, sand.
I love reading something that I connect with.
I love freedom.
I love freedom.
I love warmth, warm thoughts, warm memories, warm feelings.
I love Love, and I love you.
I love being in love.
I love how steady I have become, how steady I've started feeling.
I love feeling like the sea.
I love open windows that have a clear view of the sky.
I love the boundlessness of nature.
I love stars, I really love stars.
I love having a feeling that something wonderful is going to happen.
I love people who inspire me to smile more and think that the world is a wonderful place.
I love piano keys.
I love the feeling of turbulence.
I love swings.
I love dancing, really truly love dancing.
I love my body, it's so cool.
I love having tattoos.
I love different cultures.
I love languages.
I love the divine mystical way this universe works.
I love making connections.
I love poetry.
I love feeling free and I love the ridiculous.
I love the moment when you feel that all this pain is just growing pain.
I love the feeling of infinite possibilities.
I love dreaming and daydreaming and when my dreams teach me things.
I love magic.
I love travelling.
I love falling apart to build something new.
I love really really strong thunder and lighting.
I love being nice to strangers.
I love patterns, and nice looking swimwear.
I love being at a beach, reading.
I love having warm skin.
I love that I will make new life one day, I really love that. I LOVE that!! That I will be Mother.
I love this mind that I have.
I love naked skin, I love the human form and I love wolves.
I love finding something or discovering something untouched, a thought, a feeling, anything, a moment.


I love so much.





But I don't understand why I'm ignoring my work, again.


2 days till fasting.
It feels like mentally I have started already.
I'm looking forward to it so much.


Tomorrow I will find my ovaries and not ignore my work.
Is this a promise?
Do I promise?


To have a good day tomorrow I should do emails, seriously, Jesus, some phonecalls, sing, write down a list of concerts, and then if I can tidy and laundry, and start packing.
But EMAILS. It's rude to other people, it makes their lives harder, it is annoying, and causes me stress.
So, my darlings, I ask you - why do I do it?

I don't know.
It would take me one day to get all my things done, up to date.
One day.


Goodnight.
M.

wealth/health?

This is brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mS0YA465ts

BRILLIANT documentary.


And seriously, please watch this amazing documentary called "Food INC".
Please, watch it.
It's truly a well-made documentary.
And the topic is crazy.

Just seriously, it's not that long, make some tea, and think about the world a little.
Seriously, seriously.

This
is
ridiculous
and
really
disturbing
about
the
world
we
live
in
.


Happy Sunday night!
Love to all of you, always.
M.

stuff

fasting

Hey, guys!

So.

Fasting.



So.


Basically.
I've been really really struggling lately with focusing my mind.
And getting some space.
I've just been kind of...okay, the best way to describe the feeling is full, but full of nothing, and I feel a need to get some space.
It would affect everything, from singing, to breathing, to being, to Thinking.
In one word, life.

And so.
Pisces mentioned something, this farm house, 2 hours south from Tallinn, and it's a fasting retreat.
Now then.
I've never ever been familiar with the idea of fasting nor have I been particularly positive about it.
But I think it was always because of the context of people saying "I won't eat 2 days out of the week to lose weight and get skinny" and that frankly gets me f_king aggressive.
But, you know me, guys. A retreat of meditation, quiet and peace and space for 5 days.
Yes, please, thanks.
And all of a sudden this idea of fasting didn't feel wrong or violent, it felt necessary.
Just truly necessary, like something I need.
Literally clear the system and clear my head and get some space inside, get some space to breathe, and get some space for something positive to have the place to come streaming in.



So I did some reading.
I know this is seen as something extreme and weird and you know, fill in the gap with any negative adjective.
But all I can give you is what I know.
So I did some reading.


During a "big clean" the body assesses what is necessary and what's not. Everything unnecessary will be released and the necessary remain.
Fasting quite literally gives your cells a restart. The toxins that gather in the system leave, and the cells get a fresh new GO.
It doesn't weaken the system - it strengthens it.
Immune system, nervous system.
More space on the "interal harddrive".
And in addition to new energy, and some serious "forza vitale", it clears your head.
It teaches patience and dedication.
Best done at spring.


And it is spring.
It's spring.
Outside, it is spring.
And I don't feel it!
I need to feel it's spring.
I need it to be spring inside.
I need to get new space, new air, I need to feel like something new is happening and growing, on the inside.

I need to feel potential, a potential for something wonderful to happen.
Oh Jesus mother of 7 heavens, I miss that feeling.
Just potential.
I don't want it start raining gold on my face, or win with some lottery or whatever.
I just want to feel the feeling of Potential.
A space, a potential for something wonderful to happen.


And so I'm going to the retreat.
I'm doing a spring clean, within myself, giving my digestive system a break, giving my cells a boost of energy, and most importantly I'm clearing my head.
Out out out out out out out with the old.
Refresh, reboot, reformat.

I'm going Wednesday to Sunday.
I'll take my books.
I'll take some crayons.
I'll meditate and draw and maybe sing.
And oh, there's a masseuse there.

Just, I'm not still water.
I need air, to breathe, space to think, room for new thoughts and room to let in my enthusiasm.


And of course, I'll tell you later how it was.


Peace out, and love to all of you.

Embrace the duality.
M.

gioia de vivere

Hey, guys!

So.
This Italian teacher is currently in Tallinn, and the past few days we've had crazy emotional lessons.
Yesterday I was so...under pressure, that I couldn't really sing.
The Italian pointed out that there's so much muscle tension and just control and pressure, that the voice doesn't sound free.
(Let's just tie this is with me not feeling free lately, in general...)

Anyhow.
So.
Today he basically said that he doesn't think I have a clear understanding of how to enjoy life.
And the problem, my dear darling friends, is I have to agree.

And this needs to be changed.

And the funniest thing is - it's so evident in my voice.
The weight of what I think and how I perceive myself and this life on this planet sounds in my voice - it simply "sits" too low. The placement needs to be higher. It's like......okay, take a balloon right? It's full of helium, but if you add a small bag of rocks to the string it cannot take off.
It simply cannot do what it is supposed to do.
And this is what it's like with my voice.
How fascinating that my job, my "work" is showing me how to live.
Giving me guidance.

So.
Gioia de vivere, joy of life.

And so I got to thinking about this.
What does this mean, what does it mean to really enjoy life?
I mean, number 1, no one can be happy ALL the time. It doesn't work like that. So "Be happy" is not what I should be thinking, that's stupid.
And then I got to thinking..
Earlier on I was in a rehearsal, and I wasn't feeling good. I was sad, and angry, and a little disappointed, so I said this to my Pianist (the biggest sweetheart on the planet). I said, I am sad, and angry, but we will have this rehearsal and it will be good.

And it was.

And all the time when I was there I didn't lie to myself, I didn't pressure myself into being less this or more this or whatever, less sad, more happy, I just...WAS.
Exactly what I was, felt what I felt, and experienced what I experienced.
No "keeping it together", no deceit, no faking of anything.

And you know what?
Something changed.
EVERYTHING BECAME EASY.
This honesty in being meant I didn't suffer anymore.
I was still sad, I was still angry - but I didn't suffer.

I just was what I was.

And all of it became Enjoyable.

Unforced, honest, raw and truthful.


And that's when I realised that for me, to enjoy life, all I have to do is not lie to myself.
And I think this will be true for a lot of people.
I can allow myself to have the complete and utter freedom to be and feel and experience exactly what I'm experiencing.
All necessary for growth.
BUT if I slap my wrist every time I feel something negative, chances are I'll never truly enjoy the process.
Isn't that what Enjoying Life is about?
The process.
You can't throw yourself off the cliff on bad days.
When life gives you lemons, you can still juggle with the goddamn lemons, and have a great time!!
THAT IS Gioia de Vivere, Joy of Life, Joy of Living.

Freedom.
Freedom to be, freedom to feel and experience.
And when you're having a bad day, say you're having a bad day!!!
When someone has hurt you, say someone has hurt me!!!
Don't wipe it under the carpet and pretend "you're happy" and that this feeling doesn't exist! How can you be free?

So that's me today.
I am currently sat on my sofa.
I'm tired, sad, and a little angry, but so what?!
I'm experiencing these things, and the sunshine is still warm, and stars still shine bright!
I'm sad, yes, but I'm also feeling the Joy of Living, and that is pretty awesome.

SO BE SAD, BE ANGRY, BE WHATEVER YOU ARE.
Just be honest to yourself!!!
And even in the darkest deepest sadness and despair, chocolate will STILL taste wonderful, art will STILL comfort your soul, your friends will STILL shine brighter than all the suns and moons, and life will STILL be marvellous!
JUST
STOP
LYING


Have fun with being free, I love love love you all.
Have fun being sad, have fun being lost, have fun being angry.

I know this sounds super odd, but it makes life easier, more fluid, forever in motion, and full of Joy.

Gioia de vivere, even when skies are gray.

Love, always.

M.

la natura

“Above all, be at ease, be as natural and spacious as possible. Slip quietly out of the noose of your habitual anxious self, release all grasping, and relax into your true nature.”

—	Songyal Rinponche

I was thinking about this yesterday.

What is this thing that humans do.
Something is unbalancing all of this.

And then I realised that the one thing that lacks in Nature is comparison.

Lion A most definitely does not look at Lion B, and think: "...he's mane looks so good...I wish my mane looked that amazing..."
Or "...her legs are much longer than mine. I wish my legs were as long." ..and then carry on thinking about this and turn this into a prohibiting complex that will hold said lion back in its life.
Y'know?

What is that even about.

A tree will grow as it grows, according to its own call and urge, in accordance with the light and water and air it gets.
Grow and grow and grow.

We are all a part of La Natura. And I'm am so tired of being so nasty to myself.

“A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

—	from Zen Shin Talks

Everything feels too heavy.


I will buy a kaleidoscope tomorrow.





I know Light is where I need to be and grow, but I feel so unsure, that I just stay here in the dark.

I'm coming through the fire.

freedom

Hey, guys.

Happy Tuesday evening, everyone.

This weekend has been a glorious expansion of this week of not doing much at all.

I feel so pointless it's almost funny, and at the same time I've got a work-stuff-list the length of my actual arm waiting for me to invest my ideas and energy and time into it.
Oh, the paradox.
My face feels like its swollen, sinuses, throat, everything, and this only further deepens this feeling of passivity.
And resentment.


I'd like to run free, on a meadow, and spend time on my head, in a semi-headstand, and I'd like to wear long skirts, and sing songs that haven't been written down yet.
I long for freedom and I feel like I don't have any of it.
..and I don't know why.
I'm trying to figure out the reason, to get rid of it.
Trying to find the button, the trigger.
What is causing my loss of freedom, the lack of.
Hopefully I'll stumble on the answer soon.

Because I really don't like this feeling, or restrain, restraint or being restricted.
Restraints.
I don't like being in restraints.
It goes against my heart and it goes against my soul-being.

I don't want these restraints.

I don't know where they have come from, they are not mine, they don't belong with me.

This is also the reason why I can't breathe properly when I sing, which is why I cannot use my voice fully.


This is not my feeling.



This period of time is such a low-point, I'll be honest with you.
So many things have come to light, that I haven't noticed before, and the problem is I simply cannot sing like that. With that much tension, mental tension, and restrain.
It kills my voice and it kills me.
I really feel like I'm stuck, or standing behind a door but I can't find the handle.
I understand this is something I need to grow through, develop and leave this behind, but I really just cannot find the handle..





I really, really need to find my freedom.
Or maybe let the freedom find me.
To be the witch, the See-er, the hearer, the healer.
The love, the energy, the light.
Why am I dimming my own light.
The mover, the giver.
Freedom.
God, it's been forever since I felt free.
Enjoyed Being.



I hate everything.


M.













If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.

visuals

I wanna get on a bus and go somewhere.
And I'm watching Game of Thrones, season 1 again.
And it's kind of reminding me feelings I'd rather keep under lock and key.

I wanna Love Everything.
Doing everything.
From getting dressed, to my make-up, to music, to making music.
To life, coffees, and people, random people.
To chances.
I really really want to.


Never let life make you hard.
Never.
Have a heart that never hardens.


I want to be with people who can forget the Plan, the Future, the Structure.
FUCK THAT. WHY would you EVER let that take you from the glorious present?
WHY?
WHYY
A beautiful Present is all we ever need, and if we hold on to this for long enough, the Future is already unravelling, all by itself.
STAY
IN
THE
PRESENT

Seriously, guys. Stay in the present, love in the present.
Please don't let the future loosen your grip and take away what is yours.


“For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So collapse. 
Crumble.
This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth.”